Reply to Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't get what the shock is here. You didn't want the nephews to attend, you told their mom that, she saw through your efforts to sugarcoat it, and she is now upset with you for doing exactly what you intended to do. Everything that happened afterward is a very foreseeable consequence of your decision to tell the mom not to bring her kids. So what you do now is decide that not have the nephews there is worth the estrangement, own your behavior and move on, or decide it isn't, and call their mother to apologize.[/quote]

I am not sure why I have to "own my behavior". I was thinking of the comfort of my 75 year old father. He has already had to pull these boys aside for farting in church and belching/being nasty at other times. I was advised in the other thread to NOT invite them. Instead of going the easy for me route and just not putting them on the invite I tried to talk to my SIL. [/quote]
[b]
Have you asked your father how he feels? It's his party. Would he rather invite the boys, or deal with ongoing family strife? My guess is he'd rather have the boys there.[/b] Your BIL knows his step sons are hellions, and you just need to trust that he'll do his best (and ask his wife to double down) to keep them in line at the party.

Where is the party being held? Can they hang out in another room once they start getting antsy? Another idea is to ask an unbiased third party to keep an eye out for any prolonged outrageous behavior, and designate that person to be the one to discretely ask the mom to please keep the kids in line or take them to another room or home (somebody BIL and SIL either don't know well, or have never met). Maybe somebody from the catering company, even...somebody who appears to be acting on behalf of the venue. And be fair. Do not get on their case for anything you'd otherwise tolerate in other children.

[/quote]

My father was in total agreement with my decision. After the summer from hell we all just went through he doesn't want them back at our vacation home either.

Its being held at our club. As I said in my OP, I did say I was fine with them there if she made sure they didn't disrupt the evening and she agreed they would not enjoy themselves and should not attend.[/quote]

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