Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, so what would happen if someone went over to SIL when the boys started going crazy and said to her-- you need to take them out of this room immediately, they are ruining the event. Can your husband do this?

Treat them like the drunk uncle at a wedding.

In the past when this has happened she has cried and fought with her husband over her children being excluded. I've seen these boys high five and giggle when their mom and step dad fight over them. My husband once raised his voice to them when they were pushing our daughter against the wall and blocking her in - she got furious and said he scared her boys. My father has given them both a talking to, after they were being disgusting in church and they steer clear of him now.

I seriously don't know what else to do here. If that is how they function, picky eaters, rough housing and video game addiction, fine. Its just that it has thrown our extended family into turmoil.

[Anonymous]

It's adults-only or ALL kids. Those are your options.

Literally any etiquette book, expert or advice columnist would tell you this.

[Anonymous]

You made the right decision OP. Don't beat yourself up about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would they fart and scream and yell if they were allowed to be on their screens?

Yes. They yell at the game, high five, laugh really loud, etc when they play games. They think farting is funny (sure okay, it is) but they do it to get a rise out of adults or their step sisters, my girls. They do it at the table, out in public etc. Then talk about the sound and smell.

Its not like they'll be quite if they can play on the iPad, if that was the case I would be happy to have them there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's adults-only or ALL kids. Those are your options.

Literally any etiquette book, expert or advice columnist would tell you this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:THEN JUST THROW AN ADULTS ONLY PARTY FFS

OP shouldn't have to exclude her father's grandchildren because these little animals can't behave. Are you serious?

[Anonymous]

Your problem OP is that you are trying to beat around the bush and hint at things in some effort to be 'nice' or smooth things over.

What you and your husband really need to do is just set boundaries and then enforce them without it becoming emotional. You treat this situation like you do with toddlers.

To the boys: "We love you, but the behavior you've shown is unacceptable in family situations. We would love to have you join our family activities when you demonstrate that you can behave properly."

To your SIL: "We love you and your children and I'm sure dealing with your boys behavior is very difficult. We are happy to help support you in enforcing rules of behavior, however in the meantime we may need to limit the boy's participation in certain family activities if they can't behave properly."

To your BIL: "We love you and support you and know that you are in a difficult position. We welcome suggestions for how to navigate this situation that work for everyone. Please let us know if there are things we can do to help you with the boys. We would love to include them again when they are able to behave."

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't get to control other people's reaction to you. Just because you feel like you were right to exclude them doesn't mean your SIL has to agree, or that your BIL has to take your side against his wife. If you feel you were right in your decision and it's worth that fall out, then that's that. Move on and stop angsting over it.

[Anonymous]

What if it wasn't your husband or her husband that escorted them out? You said your dad scared the sh*t out of them by kicking them out of church. Is there anyone else you can designate that can remove them?

Then, you can just tell SIL-- they were being disruptive during grandpa's movie, they had to leave. You gave them a choice.

I might even tell them that in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem OP is that you are trying to beat around the bush and hint at things in some effort to be 'nice' or smooth things over.

What you and your husband really need to do is just set boundaries and then enforce them without it becoming emotional. You treat this situation like you do with toddlers.

To the boys: "We love you, but the behavior you've shown is unacceptable in family situations. We would love to have you join our family activities when you demonstrate that you can behave properly."

To your SIL: "We love you and your children and I'm sure dealing with your boys behavior is very difficult. We are happy to help support you in enforcing rules of behavior, however in the meantime we may need to limit the boy's participation in certain family activities if they can't behave properly."

To your BIL: "We love you and support you and know that you are in a difficult position. We welcome suggestions for how to navigate this situation that work for everyone. Please let us know if there are things we can do to help you with the boys. We would love to include them again when they are able to behave."

She should never talk to the boys like that. That is the role of a parent, not a step-aunt-in-law!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

Don't feel any guilt over this.

You did your best.

Now it's in their hands. BIL and SIL can go on being huffy or they can try to see the writing on the wall. I think your husband should help his brother, not you trying to help SIL, who seems deranged. Your husband should reiterate that the boys are NOT invited because they have demonstrated unequivocally in the past that they ruin every occasion. That there are parenting classes, psychological evaluations and behavior modification plans for that sort of thing. That this is a serious issue which BIL needs to address in one way or another, since it is already impacting their lives in a very negative way.

Thank you. I am pretty sure that is what my husband spelled out to his brother once he calmed down.

I know its hard to get the whole story here and that is why some people are reacting so negatively. We did everything to include these boys and welcome his new wife. No one cares what they eat, its just that they melt down if they can't eat it - which sometimes they can't. No one cares if all they want to do is play video games, its just they are so loud and obnoxious about it no one can enjoy themselves. Let alone if you ask them to stop and maybe participate with the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't get to control other people's reaction to you. Just because you feel like you were right to exclude them doesn't mean your SIL has to agree, or that your BIL has to take your side against his wife. If you feel you were right in your decision and it's worth that fall out, then that's that. Move on and stop angsting over it.

Accept the consequences of your actions, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:THEN JUST THROW AN ADULTS ONLY PARTY FFS

OP shouldn't have to exclude her father's grandchildren because these little animals can't behave. Are you serious?

I'm a PP. They're not his grandchildren. They're not related by blood to that family. The 'animals' belong to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's adults-only or ALL kids. Those are your options.

Literally any etiquette book, expert or advice columnist would tell you this.

Right. If you were in this situation you would exclude a 75 year old man's grandchildren or allow two boys who aren't even related to ruin the event.

Sure you would, Miss Post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if it wasn't your husband or her husband that escorted them out? You said your dad scared the sh*t out of them by kicking them out of church. Is there anyone else you can designate that can remove them?

Then, you can just tell SIL-- they were being disruptive during grandpa's movie, they had to leave. You gave them a choice.

I might even tell them that in advance.

So, disrupt someone else's evening just to accommodate these heathens? I don't think so. Eff that! They stay home and everyone has an enjoyable night.