Question for Indian famiies

[Anonymous]

OP, I am not Indian. I am an American married to an Indian man.

How do your kids get along with their grandparents? Maybe I am just naive, but I feel so grateful that my in-laws have been willing to come live with us for periods of time even though there is a huge culture clash and I can be a pretty blunt and rude daughter-in-law (as a rather controlling, private, and introverted person) because I feel like it is because they truly love my children. They also talk to my children in their language and cook for them, and I feel like it is a gift I am giving my children and their grandparents, and a delayed gift to myself (insofar as I am modeling to my children how they should act toward their own parents when they grow up).

Not to minimize how hard it can be-- and it's possible your children are annoyed by their grandparents' presence too, if it is restrictive or nagging-- but I think trying to come up with sly ways to discourage these visits and ulterior motives your in-laws may have for coming frequently is maybe not better than simply saying to your husband that you need to put a limit on their visits for your sanity or need to figure out a rotation system with the younger siblings. (Which, by the way, is something my husband's family did with the great-grandparents. Americans aren't the only ones who like a little respite from extended family!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband does not agree with you on the frequency of visits being too much. You need to talk with him about this issue and come to a compromise, and then he needs to address it with his parents.

Yes, this is a big issue and one of the reasons I can't approach my inlaws directly regarding the frequency of their visits 'like an adult would do' according to some PPs. I'm the only one that wants to limit the visits; My inlaws want to come over all the time and my husband likes having them visit. My children of course love their grandparents and want to see them too but I sense they are getting increasing sick of being stuck in the house all day with them and not doing the more varied outside activities that we do when the inlaws are not visiting us.

And yes, I am already kind of on my inlaws shit list so any comment I make to them regarding their visits would be construed as making them feel unwelcome and being the bitchy non-Indian DIL. That's why I feel that I need to take a more sly, indirect approach on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

There have been numerous possible reasons to your "why is that" post. None of which any of us can be sure of since you haven't asked your IL directly.

Yet you latch on to the reason you already feel and that suits you the best. It's what you want to believe.

Your shady way of dealing with an issue (playing the victim) is worse than a nosy MIL. Grow up and deal with your family like an adult. You refuse to address this in an adult like manner.

(And yes I'm Indian, but still know how to have adult conversations with my MIL)

OP here. Well only I know my MIL and if I asked her directly she would just say that she comes her to see her son and grandchildren that she loves so much, be offended that I asked such a question and complain to my husband that I was rude and made her feel unwelcome.

Anyways, you are right that I have found the explanation that suits my situation best and now I am just asking advice how to tactfully lessen the frequency of the visits besides saying 'Oh we're busy this weekend! You can't come over.'

If it is a worry about lack of exposure to Indian culture, can you find some weekend activity for your children that focuses on Indian culture? What religion are they? Maybe find a temple with youth activities? Language classes? Then you can say, "Sorry MIL, the kids are at thier [IL native language] class this weekend, so another time would be better"? Might be more effective then "sorry, the kids have soccer."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband does not agree with you on the frequency of visits being too much. You need to talk with him about this issue and come to a compromise, and then he needs to address it with his parents.

Yes, this is a big issue and one of the reasons I can't approach my inlaws directly regarding the frequency of their visits 'like an adult would do' according to some PPs. I'm the only one that wants to limit the visits; My inlaws want to come over all the time and my husband likes having them visit. My children of course love their grandparents and want to see them too but I sense they are getting increasing sick of being stuck in the house all day with them and not doing the more varied outside activities that we do when the inlaws are not visiting us.

And yes, I am already kind of on my inlaws shit list so any comment I make to them regarding their visits would be construed as making them feel unwelcome and being the bitchy non-Indian DIL. That's why I feel that I need to take a more sly, indirect approach on this issue.

There you go again. Turning this into a divide of races/nationality.

Maybe you're on their shit list because you are just as prejudiced towards them as you perceive them to be towards you. They are old, they are 'foreign', but they are not stupid.

Go ahead with your 'sly' approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband does not agree with you on the frequency of visits being too much. You need to talk with him about this issue and come to a compromise, and then he needs to address it with his parents.

Yes, this is a big issue and one of the reasons I can't approach my inlaws directly regarding the frequency of their visits 'like an adult would do' according to some PPs. I'm the only one that wants to limit the visits; My inlaws want to come over all the time and my husband likes having them visit. My children of course love their grandparents and want to see them too but I sense they are getting increasing sick of being stuck in the house all day with them and not doing the more varied outside activities that we do when the inlaws are not visiting us.

And yes, I am already kind of on my inlaws shit list so any comment I make to them regarding their visits would be construed as making them feel unwelcome and being the bitchy non-Indian DIL. That's why I feel that I need to take a more sly, indirect approach on this issue.

There you go again. Turning this into a divide of races/nationality.

Maybe you're on their shit list because you are just as prejudiced towards them as you perceive them to be towards you. They are old, they are 'foreign', but they are not stupid.

Go ahead with your 'sly' approach.

I said that because I sense that my inlaws act differently with their Indian DIL and don't submit them to the same level of scrutiny as they do with me. And my parents are 'foreign' too by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

There have been numerous possible reasons to your "why is that" post. None of which any of us can be sure of since you haven't asked your IL directly.

Yet you latch on to the reason you already feel and that suits you the best. It's what you want to believe.

Your shady way of dealing with an issue (playing the victim) is worse than a nosy MIL. Grow up and deal with your family like an adult. You refuse to address this in an adult like manner.

(And yes I'm Indian, but still know how to have adult conversations with my MIL)

OP here. Well only I know my MIL and if I asked her directly she would just say that she comes her to see her son and grandchildren that she loves so much, be offended that I asked such a question and complain to my husband that I was rude and made her feel unwelcome.

Anyways, you are right that I have found the explanation that suits my situation best and now I am just asking advice how to tactfully lessen the frequency of the visits besides saying 'Oh we're busy this weekend! You can't come over.'

If it is a worry about lack of exposure to Indian culture, can you find some weekend activity for your children that focuses on Indian culture? What religion are they? Maybe find a temple with youth activities? Language classes? Then you can say, "Sorry MIL, the kids are at thier [IL native language] class this weekend, so another time would be better"? Might be more effective then "sorry, the kids have soccer."

Thanks for the suggestion. I think my MIL would say,
oh I can come to their Hindi lessons/temple etc with them and don't worry we have the other 5 days of our visit to spend with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

There have been numerous possible reasons to your "why is that" post. None of which any of us can be sure of since you haven't asked your IL directly.

Yet you latch on to the reason you already feel and that suits you the best. It's what you want to believe.

Your shady way of dealing with an issue (playing the victim) is worse than a nosy MIL. Grow up and deal with your family like an adult. You refuse to address this in an adult like manner.

(And yes I'm Indian, but still know how to have adult conversations with my MIL)

OP here. Well only I know my MIL and if I asked her directly she would just say that she comes her to see her son and grandchildren that she loves so much, be offended that I asked such a question and complain to my husband that I was rude and made her feel unwelcome.

Anyways, you are right that I have found the explanation that suits my situation best and now I am just asking advice how to tactfully lessen the frequency of the visits besides saying 'Oh we're busy this weekend! You can't come over.'

If it is a worry about lack of exposure to Indian culture, can you find some weekend activity for your children that focuses on Indian culture? What religion are they? Maybe find a temple with youth activities? Language classes? Then you can say, "Sorry MIL, the kids are at thier [IL native language] class this weekend, so another time would be better"? Might be more effective then "sorry, the kids have soccer."

Thanks for the suggestion. I think my MIL would say,
oh I can come to their Hindi lessons/temple etc with them and don't worry we have the other 5 days of our visit to spend with them!

Maybe you can ask you in-laws to take them to their Hindi lessons/temple -- that way they are out of your hair and the kids are spending more time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

There have been numerous possible reasons to your "why is that" post. None of which any of us can be sure of since you haven't asked your IL directly.

Yet you latch on to the reason you already feel and that suits you the best. It's what you want to believe.

Your shady way of dealing with an issue (playing the victim) is worse than a nosy MIL. Grow up and deal with your family like an adult. You refuse to address this in an adult like manner.

(And yes I'm Indian, but still know how to have adult conversations with my MIL)

OP here. Well only I know my MIL and if I asked her directly she would just say that she comes her to see her son and grandchildren that she loves so much, be offended that I asked such a question and complain to my husband that I was rude and made her feel unwelcome.

Anyways, you are right that I have found the explanation that suits my situation best and now I am just asking advice how to tactfully lessen the frequency of the visits besides saying 'Oh we're busy this weekend! You can't come over.'

If it is a worry about lack of exposure to Indian culture, can you find some weekend activity for your children that focuses on Indian culture? What religion are they? Maybe find a temple with youth activities? Language classes? Then you can say, "Sorry MIL, the kids are at thier [IL native language] class this weekend, so another time would be better"? Might be more effective then "sorry, the kids have soccer."

Thanks for the suggestion. I think my MIL would say,
oh I can come to their Hindi lessons/temple etc with them and don't worry we have the other 5 days of our visit to spend with them!

Maybe you can ask you in-laws to take them to their Hindi lessons/temple -- that way they are out of your hair and the kids are spending more time with them.

+1. If you think the inlaws are worried that you cannot teach Indian culture to the grandkids and that you aren't properly taking care of DH, maybe you can find ways that they can do those things during their visits? Visits to the temple, etc., can be done when the inlaws visit, and MIL can also do a lot of cooking and stock the freezer. That way they are active and busy, and hopefully giving you a break!

[Anonymous]

If it is a worry about lack of exposure to Indian culture, can you find some weekend activity for your children that focuses on Indian culture? What religion are they? Maybe find a temple with youth activities? Language classes? Then you can say, "Sorry MIL, the kids are at thier [IL native language] class this weekend, so another time would be better"? Might be more effective then "sorry, the kids have soccer."

Thanks for the suggestion. I think my MIL would say,
oh I can come to their Hindi lessons/temple etc with them and don't worry we have the other 5 days of our visit to spend with them!

Maybe you can ask you in-laws to take them to their Hindi lessons/temple -- that way they are out of your hair and the kids are spending more time with them.

That's a few hours they're off your back. Also, if the ILs really are just coming out of obligation and not because they enjoy it, knowing the kids are involved in temple/Hindi lessons might make them feel less obligated to visit so often because they know the kids are still getting the culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband does not agree with you on the frequency of visits being too much. You need to talk with him about this issue and come to a compromise, and then he needs to address it with his parents.

Yes, this is a big issue and one of the reasons I can't approach my inlaws directly regarding the frequency of their visits 'like an adult would do' according to some PPs. I'm the only one that wants to limit the visits; My inlaws want to come over all the time and my husband likes having them visit. My children of course love their grandparents and want to see them too but I sense they are getting increasing sick of being stuck in the house all day with them and not doing the more varied outside activities that we do when the inlaws are not visiting us.

And yes, I am already kind of on my inlaws shit list so any comment I make to them regarding their visits would be construed as making them feel unwelcome and being the bitchy non-Indian DIL. That's why I feel that I need to take a more sly, indirect approach on this issue.

Yes but you will always be the bitchy non-Indian DIL. You aren't ever going to be Indian. You can only be who you are. So take your kids to events, go out or stay in when it works for you. Accept you will never "win" and stop being a victim of your own making. Sure they will guilt - that's the Indian way - but you and should let it go. Model this for your kids sake too so they know how to do it when they are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: MIL can also do a lot of cooking and stock the freezer.

... and then complain to DH that the DIL makes her cook when she visits!

[Anonymous]

Talk to your DH and tell him to say no politely to visit requests when they ask. Decide how often you want to see them and get your DH to say no when the ils want to come more often than that.

[Anonymous]

1026 here. Your DH doesn't think they visit too much because 1. He is more comfortable because they are his parents. And 2. You do the bulk of the house stuff when they are around and you end up spending more time with them then he does.

You really need to get him to be on your side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband does not agree with you on the frequency of visits being too much. You need to talk with him about this issue and come to a compromise, and then he needs to address it with his parents.

Yes, this is a big issue and one of the reasons I can't approach my inlaws directly regarding the frequency of their visits 'like an adult would do' according to some PPs. I'm the only one that wants to limit the visits; My inlaws want to come over all the time and my husband likes having them visit. My children of course love their grandparents and want to see them too but I sense they are getting increasing sick of being stuck in the house all day with them and not doing the more varied outside activities that we do when the inlaws are not visiting us.

And yes, I am already kind of on my inlaws shit list so any comment I make to them regarding their visits would be construed as making them feel unwelcome and being the bitchy non-Indian DIL. That's why I feel that I need to take a more sly, indirect approach on this issue.

There you go again. Turning this into a divide of races/nationality.

Maybe you're on their shit list because you are just as prejudiced towards them as you perceive them to be towards you. They are old, they are 'foreign', but they are not stupid.

Go ahead with your 'sly' approach.

I said that because I sense that my inlaws act differently with their Indian DIL and don't submit them to the same level of scrutiny as they do with me. And my parents are 'foreign' too by the way.

How can you sense that? Do you talk to your SIL about how she is treated?

If you take your kids to temple/Hindi class, my bet is that they like you best. Do the other sibling's do the same?

[Anonymous]

Indian woman here. OP I am not one for sly, underhanded approach but if you want to use it please use it on your DH. He is the one who should be doing this negotiation for you, you can't win this on your own and that is true of every culture be it Indian/American or whatever. As a family, you both need to be on the same page and act as a team. Having said that, there is no reason for kids to not have activities on the weekends or even weeknights, my parents and in-laws visit all the time and that has never stopped me for scheduling activities for kids.

Also, when they visit what kind of food do they eat? Do you cook American as well as Indian cuisine or they cook their own? Just trying to gauge the dynamic.