Question for Indian famiies

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the commiseration PP!

I'm well educated but a SAHM for the past couple of years. Im looking to go back to work this year. Why do you ask?

[Anonymous]

Do your SILs work or SAH?

[Anonymous]

They both work from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They both work from home.

2 things.

1) You said your BIL/SIL live an hour from you ILs. So they could easily visit them for a day and go back home. You live 3 hours so for them it likely seems more worthwhile to stay a few days.

2) If the SILs are working during the day, even from home, they likely either have a nanny for the kids or the kids go to daycare. So this would limit the amount of time the grandparents get to spend with the grandkids. It also limits how much time they have with the other DIL.

On the fact they visit you more:

1) you've been in the family longer, so the comfort of you and your home are there.

2) since your a SAHM, your kids are more available to be around and your company is as well.

3) 3 hours can be a hike for older people, they aren't going to just come and go the same day or next day. If they are retired, it naturally turns into a few days visit. It's not like they are staying for months on end.

4) if they know your planning to go back to work, they may figure this is the best time to visit.

You have to step up to the plate if you don't want the visits. Tell them or go about it slyly if that's your way of doing things, but don't just complain about it. Your putting on a very weak victim front here focusing on racial divides instead of the fact that you are more convenient for them, period. Frankly, I'm baffled that you haven't been able to understand why they would gravitate towards your home.

Go get that job you've been planning on if you don't want to discuss it with them. They won't come over for 5 day visits if you're working and the kids are with a nanny or in daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They both work from home.

2 things.

1) You said your BIL/SIL live an hour from you ILs. So they could easily visit them for a day and go back home. You live 3 hours so for them it likely seems more worthwhile to stay a few days.

2) If the SILs are working during the day, even from home, they likely either have a nanny for the kids or the kids go to daycare. So this would limit the amount of time the grandparents get to spend with the grandkids. It also limits how much time they have with the other DIL.

On the fact they visit you more:

1) you've been in the family longer, so the comfort of you and your home are there.

2) since your a SAHM, your kids are more available to be around and your company is as well.

3) 3 hours can be a hike for older people, they aren't going to just come and go the same day or next day. If they are retired, it naturally turns into a few days visit. It's not like they are staying for months on end.

4) if they know your planning to go back to work, they may figure this is the best time to visit.

You have to step up to the plate if you don't want the visits. Tell them or go about it slyly if that's your way of doing things, but don't just complain about it. Your putting on a very weak victim front here focusing on racial divides instead of the fact that you are more convenient for them, period. Frankly, I'm baffled that you haven't been able to understand why they would gravitate towards your home.

Go get that job you've been planning on if you don't want to discuss it with them. They won't come over for 5 day visits if you're working and the kids are with a nanny or in daycare.

Actually I do understand why they stay longer when they visit us vs my BILS. It is a long drive and of course its tiring for older people to drive back after a one day visit. But how am I more convenient for them to visit when my house is 3 hours away and BILs live 1 hour away from them? Despite the distance, they rarely visit the BILS and visit us all the time.

Also, my kids are now in elementary school but from their infancy to preschool age, I was working and had a full time nanny. During this time my inlaws would come over regularly and spend a week with us. In fact this happened so often and my overbearing MIL got into my nanny's business so much that my nanny almost quit. In contrast, they rarely visit my SIL who has a nanny watch her baby while she works from home.

Anyways I just need to learn how to decrease their visits at this point.

[Anonymous]

On reading all of your posts OP, the reasons most likely are

your BILs are organizing their time differently, ie spending more time with SILs family
your BILs are more vocal about when they can/cannot come
you appear the softest or have the least backing from DH among the 3 SILs

It seems more a personality and dynamics issue than a cultural issue per se.

[Anonymous]

The only way to reduce their visits is not to be home all the time. Visit your family or plan vacations/day trips whenever you get a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here, what I meant to say is you would probably not be subject to the same scrutiny if you were Caucasian. What culture are you from?

What makes you think she is not Caucasian? She might be, I don't know, German or Greek.

Well we already know she's "white American" since that's IL situation she would like to have.

I think the pp meant that if she spoke another language from her native country or had her kids do Greek school or German school or whatever the ILs might be more worried about the loss of their traditions to hers and feel the need to balance that with their presence, especially if the dad is not home much.

Whereas with just typical several generations in white american, they wouldn't feel the same because speaking English and American foods and culture, etc are also part of the children's culture growing up here. It doesn't seem like that is the case though. Since OP takes kids to temple and Hindi classes, the grandparents don't have a lot to worry about with that regard.

Where are your parents from OP?

She's European American.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible they just like these grandkids the best?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here, what I meant to say is you would probably not be subject to the same scrutiny if you were Caucasian. What culture are you from?

What makes you think she is not Caucasian? She might be, I don't know, German or Greek.

Well we already know she's "white American" since that's IL situation she would like to have.

I think the pp meant that if she spoke another language from her native country or had her kids do Greek school or German school or whatever the ILs might be more worried about the loss of their traditions to hers and feel the need to balance that with their presence, especially if the dad is not home much.

Whereas with just typical several generations in white american, they wouldn't feel the same because speaking English and American foods and culture, etc are also part of the children's culture growing up here. It doesn't seem like that is the case though. Since OP takes kids to temple and Hindi classes, the grandparents don't have a lot to worry about with that regard.

Where are your parents from OP?

She's European American.

Lebanon is not in Europe.