Question for Indian famiies

[Anonymous]

Perhaps they like you because you are not Indian?

[Anonymous]

No, they really wanted DH to marry an Indiam girl.

[Anonymous]

Are the BILs wives Northen Indian? If they are from a different part of India/different culture, it might actually cause more tension with your ILs.

Or, maybe they just like your kids better. On the other hand, maybe they worry you aren't doing s good job with the kids/the kids don't get enough Indian culture, so they want to be around more.

Or maybe the BILs just say, "Sorry mom, not this weekend. We have X going on and it's going to be hectic" a lot more often.

[Anonymous]

Or maybe they just like you so they come over even thought they know they're son will be working long hours and not there.

Or maybe they just like spending time with older kids better and want to spend more time with yours.

Or maybe they just like your house better and feel most comfort there.

Or maybe the other brothers or DIL say they're just too busy. Which might be the case if both spouses WOH.

Or maybe they had a falling out with the other DIL or son.

Or maybe they feel like you and your Dh care more about them.

Or maybe they respect that you've chosen to SAH and take care of the family (certain parts of Western N. India prefer a SAHM), and therefore have chosen to visit you more.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you tried being busy and out of the house more on weekends? With or without kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the BILs wives Northen Indian? If they are from a different part of India/different culture, it might actually cause more tension with your ILs.

Or, maybe they just like your kids better. On the other hand, maybe they worry you aren't doing s good job with the kids/the kids don't get enough Indian culture, so they want to be around more.

Or maybe the BILs just say, "Sorry mom, not this weekend. We have X going on and it's going to be hectic" a lot more often.

+1. Maybe they are better at saying no.

[Anonymous]

South Asian married to south Asian here - my bet is that if mil is difficult with you, she's even more so with her newer DILs. And I bet you come out looking much better than them when she thinks about it - simply bc she's known you longer and "knows" you... I can also see that a south Asian dil work irk a nasty south Asian MIL more than a white/Irish/Jewish/anything else would - the mil might have more set expectations and be MUCH more disappointed when the south Asian dil doesn't fulfill them - trust me - I am everything my MIL would have wanted in a DIL, but she hates me because I have my own mind.

[Anonymous]

It may have to do with a lot of things.
1. You are more relaxed/welcoming by nature.
2. They have more space with you.
3. They are closer/more comfortable with your husband?
4. Your husband is the eldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may have to do with a lot of things.
1. You are more relaxed/welcoming by nature.
2. They have more space with you.
3. They are closer/more comfortable with your husband?
4. Your husband is the eldest.

One more:
5. They want to be around to help the grandkids be connected to Indian culture.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the problem is rooted in culture. Just personal preferences of ILs.

[Anonymous]

First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

I think the only way is for you (or perhaps better your DH) are very direct. It's not going to happen otherwise. We South Asians hear what we want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

Be unavailable. If they come on weekends, schedule activities as a (nuclear) family - parks, hikes, museums, sports events. Look at the weather we are having - it's a crime to stay inside!
Your husband could also take the kids to visit his parents, save them the drive. You don't have to go.

Seriously though, given your relationship with in-laws, you need to address this issue with your husband so he can push back on the visits.