Question for Indian famiies
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Anonymous
| Please offer some insights on my situation. I am not Indian myself but my husband is Indian American and we have been married for 15 years. He has two younger brothers who are also married, however to Indian American women. Over the years I have found that my inlaws spend way more time visiting our family (my husband and 2 daughters), rather than with their two younger sons. All three sons are accomplished, successful and highly respectful towards their parents and so I'm a bit baffled on why the inlaws choose to spend an inordinate amount of time with us rather than my brother in laws. I thought this would change once my brother in laws both married Indian American girls and had children of their own, but the inlaws still prefer to come to our house, basically any chance they get and rarely see their other grandkids. Why do you think this is? |
Anonymous
|
The only reason I can think of is that they like you and your family a lot and feel more comfortable with you. It's a good thing no?
I'm Indian American, as is my husband. My SIL is Indian American, married to an Indian from India. My ILs just spend more time with us because they feel more comfortable with us. I'm always very kind to them and make them feel welcome. They don't feel as comfortable with my SIL's husband because he's moody. My sister's ILs spend more time with them for a similar reason. The IL's just feel more welcome and comfortable with them. It's not an 'Indian' thing, it's a natural gravitation. Some places just feel more "home" like and you naturally gravitate there because no one wants to spend a lot of time where they don't feel as comfortable, this is especially true as you get older. |
Anonymous
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Agree with PP that it has to do with their comfort level with your family versus that of their other sons.
Much of it has to do with how their other daughter-in-laws make them feel when they visit. It could also be just the physical comforts available at your house versus that of the others. Frankly, the fact that they feel more welcome with you - although you are not Indian - is a compliment to you. Most Indian parents want their sons to marry another Indian-American because they feel that they are likely to be more welcome than if they marry outside of the Indian community. |
Anonymous
| IME, lots of parents gravitate towards the oldest child |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for your response. The thing is a don't think they feel more comfortable with me because 1) i am not Indian and 2) I have historically had a very acrimonious relationship with my MIL, which is now at the point of me just avoiding her as much as possible in order to not start a fight. That's why I'm perplexed on why they don't go to their Indian DILs house more often. |
Anonymous
|
Indian American here.
There are a few reasons already mentioned: 1. They like spending time with you all better. 2. The oldest son is traditionally the one who is supposed to take care of parents as they get older. Is there an expectation of this? |
Anonymous
It might be easier to get under your skin. |
Anonymous
15:21 here: You know my MIL and I didn't get along much in the beginning of our marriage. But we've kind of gotten over that part of our lives. Dh and I have been married for 13 years, we've had our ups and downs with my ILs, but in the end we still feel very much like family. Perhaps that is how your ILs feel? They know they've had their ups and downs with you, but in the end you are family, period. Indians are very family oriented people and regardless of past issues they stick together because that's what family means. You might not always get along, but you're always there. At this point, you've been married for 15 year's, I assure you they likely no longer care that you are not Indian- if they did they wouldn't spend time there. Even if they don't act "warmly", they have accepted you and love you, that's why they are hanging around (we aren't very vocal or showy with affection). It's their own weird way of showing it. |
Anonymous
?!? Are you serious? It's clear you aren't Punjabi, I guess. Bengali, maybe? |
Anonymous
| Is your house closer? |
Anonymous
#1 doesn't seem to be the case, given what OP says, so it must be #2. OP, perhaps you and DH need to talk about caregiving expectations. |
Anonymous
Ha! You're right, Punjabi's are definitely more affectionate. So it depends on the OP's ILs origin. My ILs are South Indian and are typically more reserved in their demeanor. |
Anonymous
OP again. My inlaws are both in good health right now besides the usual aches and pains of aging. We had discussed a while ago that it would be very difficult for me to ever live with my MIL and came to the conclusion that if my FIL were to pass we would share caregiving responsibilities with his brothers if they became disabled/sick as well as hire full time care givers if needed. I am also very close to my mother and would have her live with us if she ever needed it. |
Anonymous
| Oh and my inlaws are North Indian but not Punjabi |
Anonymous
No. We are a 3 hour drive away and my BILs live 1 hour away from my inlaws which is another reason that this bothers/baffles me so much. |