Question for Indian famiies

[Anonymous]

If MIL doesn't think you are doing a good enough job, then give her jobs to do . . . . "Oh, DS just loves your home-cooked dal/saag paneer/naan! Would you please make some that we could freeze for him to have after your visit? I don't think I could ever learn to make it as well as you can MIL, dear---so please have FIL stop by the Indian Market on the way over and then you can cook ALL WEEKEND in our kitchen."

Then go find something to do out of the house and leave them to take care of the kids.

Or leave them with one kid and you take the other out for a special mom/DC treat, then back to the house and switch off for the other child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

I think the only way is for you (or perhaps better your DH) are very direct. It's not going to happen otherwise. We South Asians hear what we want to.

Can you give me more specifics on how to be direct with them without coming across as rude? So far my strategy with dealing with them has been either to minimize the amount of interaction we have or I finally get fed up with my MILs poorly veiled insults towards me and tell her to stop talking to me that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

Be unavailable. If they come on weekends, schedule activities as a (nuclear) family - parks, hikes, museums, sports events. Look at the weather we are having - it's a crime to stay inside!
Your husband could also take the kids to visit his parents, save them the drive. You don't have to go.

Seriously though, given your relationship with in-laws, you need to address this issue with your husband so he can push back on the visits.

Is it culturally acceptable though to 'be unavailable' when they come over? My inlaws just want to spend the whole day with my kids and my MIL is a total homebody and often stays inside the house all day. I get away to 'run errands' by myself when I can, but they give me a guilt trip when I take my kids out by myself for activities like the park or library just once all weekend! My husband also tells me to have the kids spend as much time as possible with their grandparents when they visit.

[Anonymous]

I have not read all the posts in this forum, but I do agree with the few I have skimmed, that this is not an "Indian family" question but a MIL question. OP sounds immature to have posed the question in the way that she did.

However, if I was truly tempted to reply in the same vein that this question was asked, I would say "OP, they want to support their son and be near him because they feel you are an unfit wife for him, and they need to keep an eye on the situation. They are hoping that eventually you will divorce and their son will marry a girl who is American Indian."

Will that make you feel better?

- Member of an Indian family

[Anonymous]

OP, has this been going on for 15 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, has this been going on for 15 years?

No. In part because we lived far away from them for a few years. The visits really ramped up after our children were born. I was expecting to be relieved a bit from their visits after my BIL and wife had a baby, and thought they would visit the other grandkids now but they continue to focus on our family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has this been going on for 15 years?

No. In part because we lived far away from them for a few years. The visits really ramped up after our children were born. I was expecting to be relieved a bit from their visits after my BIL and wife had a baby, and thought they would visit the other grandkids now but they continue to focus on our family

Maybe they feel that the kids being only half Indians need more time with them so that they can get a better sense of Indian family and relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has this been going on for 15 years?

No. In part because we lived far away from them for a few years. The visits really ramped up after our children were born. I was expecting to be relieved a bit from their visits after my BIL and wife had a baby, and thought they would visit the other grandkids now but they continue to focus on our family

Maybe they feel that the kids being only half Indians need more time with them so that they can get a better sense of Indian family and relationship?

Do you mean barely veiled humiliation of the kids' mother? Lead by example, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, has this been going on for 15 years?

No. In part because we lived far away from them for a few years. The visits really ramped up after our children were born. I was expecting to be relieved a bit from their visits after my BIL and wife had a baby, and thought they would visit the other grandkids now but they continue to focus on our family

Maybe they feel that the kids being only half Indians need more time with them so that they can get a better sense of Indian family and relationship?

Do you mean barely veiled humiliation of the kids' mother? Lead by example, so to speak.

I want to clarify the above: I do not mean that the Indian family values are bad, just that this particular MIL is quite mean.

[Anonymous]

I agree they're keeping an eye on you, since you're not Indian. Also, since he's the oldest son, this may be a bit of a test to see how you will treat them when they come live with you, as they probably assume they will. They may feel it's expected of them to come live with their eldest son, whether they prefer to or not. And they're looking at how you do things, how far you are willing to go to oblige them and do for them, and how you take care of the household.

If I were you, I'd stop going out of my way to do extra cooking or cleaning when they visit. Just follow your normal routine and be your usual self. Treat them as you would if they lived with you. They won't like it, but maybe they'll get the message. Don't be surprised if there's negative fallout, but you don't want them there all the time or LIVING with you anyway. Hopefully your husband is happy with you as you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

There have been numerous possible reasons to your "why is that" post. None of which any of us can be sure of since you haven't asked your IL directly.

Yet you latch on to the reason you already feel and that suits you the best. It's what you want to believe.

Your shady way of dealing with an issue (playing the victim) is worse than a nosy MIL. Grow up and deal with your family like an adult. You refuse to address this in an adult like manner.

(And yes I'm Indian, but still know how to have adult conversations with my MIL)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

There have been numerous possible reasons to your "why is that" post. None of which any of us can be sure of since you haven't asked your IL directly.

Yet you latch on to the reason you already feel and that suits you the best. It's what you want to believe.

Your shady way of dealing with an issue (playing the victim) is worse than a nosy MIL. Grow up and deal with your family like an adult. You refuse to address this in an adult like manner.

(And yes I'm Indian, but still know how to have adult conversations with my MIL)

OP here. Well only I know my MIL and if I asked her directly she would just say that she comes her to see her son and grandchildren that she loves so much, be offended that I asked such a question and complain to my husband that I was rude and made her feel unwelcome.

Anyways, you are right that I have found the explanation that suits my situation best and now I am just asking advice how to tactfully lessen the frequency of the visits besides saying 'Oh we're busy this weekend! You can't come over.'

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your husband does not agree with you on the frequency of visits being too much. You need to talk with him about this issue and come to a compromise, and then he needs to address it with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well only I know my MIL and if I asked her directly she would just say that she comes her to see her son and grandchildren that she loves so much, be offended that I asked such a question and complain to my husband that I was rude and made her feel unwelcome.

Anyways, you are right that I have found the explanation that suits my situation best and now I am just asking advice how to tactfully lessen the frequency of the visits besides saying 'Oh we're busy this weekend! You can't come over.'

Sorry, I don't see a way to tactfully do it, especially as you are already on their shit list, so nothing you suggest will go over well.
At any rate, your husband should be the one standing up for you and negotiating this on your behalf. And if you don't see eye to eye on this - well, it's a bigger issue in your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First - You aren't Indian so you can't properly take care of her DS. Second - She had to make sure you are raising her grandkids right bc you aren't Indian. Duh. How have you not figured that out?

She's not Indian, that's how
Yes, like I said before - they are deliberately keeping an eye on her. They know she is not comfortable with this schedule and workload and are probably not enjoying their visits very much. But they are determined to do their duty.

OP here. Thank you guys! I finally understand why they keep visiting. THIS explanation makes total sense based on how my MIL acts towards me and I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Now that I understand the reason for the frequent visits, can you give me some advice on how to decrease them? Thanks

There have been numerous possible reasons to your "why is that" post. None of which any of us can be sure of since you haven't asked your IL directly.

Yet you latch on to the reason you already feel and that suits you the best. It's what you want to believe.

Your shady way of dealing with an issue (playing the victim) is worse than a nosy MIL. Grow up and deal with your family like an adult. You refuse to address this in an adult like manner.

(And yes I'm Indian, but still know how to have adult conversations with my MIL)

+1. The only sensible response.