Question for Indian famiies

[Anonymous]

I speak from experience in this kind of intercultural family, and you must be yourself and do your normal activities when the in-laws are there. Do not change your everyday routines. You are never going to be Indian, and the sooner they accept that how you do things is fine, if different, and that their beloved son and grandkids are doing well and are happy, the better. And don't discount the possibility that both your husband and they assume they will live with you some day. Your real work is with your husband. Culturally influenced assumptions run so deep that we're often not aware of how much we assume. Even if you tell him and he can observe intellectually that it will be very difficult for his parents to live with you, in his heart he feels its his duty as a good son and he truly wants his parents there. There's a reason families push to marry within their culture. You and he have to find a way to understand what compromises each of you can handle to bridge the cultures, and learn to work together as a united front.

[Anonymous]

You said you or your parents are foreign? That could be playing a big role in them making sure their culture supersedes yours, even more so than if you were a Caucasian. I am an Indian myself and am pretty sure marrying a non-Indian non-Caucasian would be viewed upon rather differently by the older gen.

[Anonymous]

PP here, what I meant to say is you would probably not be subject to the same scrutiny if you were Caucasian. What culture are you from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, what I meant to say is you would probably not be subject to the same scrutiny if you were Caucasian. What culture are you from?

What makes you think she is not Caucasian? She might be, I don't know, German or Greek.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I was raised on the US but my family is Lebanese.

I will take the advice of multiple PPs and try to stick to my regular schedule when the inlaws visit. They won't like it but you guys are right to say that I can't schedule my life around their needs and wants all the time!

I wish I could get my husband on the same page as me regarding the visits but this has been point of contention in our marriage for years and I guess I gave up hope that I can change him. One thing we have agreed on is that should his parents become ill, the 3 brothers will divide caregiving duties equally, not just him bc he is the oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here, what I meant to say is you would probably not be subject to the same scrutiny if you were Caucasian. What culture are you from?

What makes you think she is not Caucasian? She might be, I don't know, German or Greek.

Well we already know she's "white American" since that's IL situation she would like to have.

I think the pp meant that if she spoke another language from her native country or had her kids do Greek school or German school or whatever the ILs might be more worried about the loss of their traditions to hers and feel the need to balance that with their presence, especially if the dad is not home much.

Whereas with just typical several generations in white american, they wouldn't feel the same because speaking English and American foods and culture, etc are also part of the children's culture growing up here. It doesn't seem like that is the case though. Since OP takes kids to temple and Hindi classes, the grandparents don't have a lot to worry about with that regard.

Where are your parents from OP?

[Anonymous]

Okay, looks like we posted at the same time.

Lebanese family culture is similar. Tight-knit, frequent visits from family and such.

Handle the situation as a DIL of a close knit Lebanese family would do, that might make you more comfortable and stop focusing so much on the differences between your culture and theirs and more on the similarities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here, what I meant to say is you would probably not be subject to the same scrutiny if you were Caucasian. What culture are you from?

What makes you think she is not Caucasian? She might be, I don't know, German or Greek.

Well we already know she's "white American" since that's IL situation she would like to have.

I think the pp meant that if she spoke another language from her native country or had her kids do Greek school or German school or whatever the ILs might be more worried about the loss of their traditions to hers and feel the need to balance that with their presence, especially if the dad is not home much.
[b]
Whereas with just typical several generations in white american, they wouldn't feel the same because speaking English and American foods and culture, etc are also part of the children's culture growing up here.[/b] It doesn't seem like that is the case though. Since OP takes kids to temple and Hindi classes, the grandparents don't have a lot to worry about with that regard.

Where are your parents from OP?

This is exactly what I meant.

Responding to another PP, Lebanese culture could be similar to Indian culture in some aspects, but the emphasis on education may not be the same. The inlaws could be thinking the DIL is not doing a good enough job on that front. Pointing out a few cultural clashes that may be occurring with this match up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I come from a family of MDs and PhDs so education is not an issue.

If I do what my family did, I'd be making 20 courses whenever the inlaws come over, beg them to stay longer (even though I don't mean it) when they say that have to go back home tomorrow and never talk back since they are older and I should always respect their judgement. And not leave the house to take the kids to the park, library etc when their grandparents drove 3 hours to be with them.

[Anonymous]

So how exactly does the whole visiting thing play out? Do they tell your husband when they plan to come? Do they stay for multiple days at a time? How many times a year do they come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I come from a family of MDs and PhDs so education is not an issue.

If I do what my family did, I'd be making 20 courses whenever the inlaws come over, beg them to stay longer (even though I don't mean it) when they say that have to go back home tomorrow and never talk back since they are older and I should always respect their judgement. And not leave the house to take the kids to the park, library etc when their grandparents drove 3 hours to be with them.

I get that, that's why I'm saying handle it like a DIL of Lebanese IL that you don't want to come over not as a typical subservient DIL.

If your ILs were Lebanese and you could not handle the visits (even though your husband does just as a Lebanese husband would), what would you do? How would you solve your problem?

Your native culture's family structures are the so similar, I'm not understanding why this is difficult for you and why you're blaming it all on the fact that they are Indian and you are not.

You would be facing the same thing if they were Lebanese, except expecting even more (20 course meals!)

[Anonymous]

Honestly I don't know how to solve my problem and that's why I'm on DCUM to get ideas! My mother's inlaw situation was like the scenario i described above. My lebanese friends/cousins in the US mostly married causasian American men and rarely have to deal with their inlaws and I've seen the my relatives in Lebanon a few times in my life when i was unmarried and didnt care about inlaw issues!

Even now I'm the DIL that has to deal with regular 5 day visits from my inlaws and the Indian wives of my BILs don't

[Anonymous]

Do the SILs work out of the home?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you well educated with a good job?

[Anonymous]

Gosh, I am Indian PP and I cannot take regular 5 day visits from the inlaws, unless they are very friendly and non-intrusive. Please do NOT change your routine for them, let them eat whatever you make for your family etc.