DH wants kids and I don't.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I think it's ok to not want kids - there is no shame in that, and there is even wisdom - no one who doesn't want to parent should be pressured into it. No child should have a parent who doesn't willing embrace the job.

I have kids because it was deeply important to my husband. I was more on the fence than you, but I would have been quite happy with my life without having kids of my own. We married late, had fertility struggles, and ended up w/ twins.

I love my children, and can't imagine wishing them away. But I also deeply miss my childfree days. I mourn the things I can't/won't get to do. I mourn the marriage I had before we were consumed w/ parenting small children. I've aged more in the few years since my kids were born than in the decade prior.

Parenting is hard. Really really hard. Trust yourself and what you know you do and do not want. See if there is a way to work through this issue with your husband. Get professional help to do that. Respect his desires and thoughts as much as you want him to respect yours.

But don't have kids for someone else. That isn't fair to you or the kid(s).

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My heart just breaks for those of you whined children and wish you hadn't. For you and your kids. I wonder if many women are in the same boat -- that it's still so unacceptable to adnir you don't want children if you're a woman that a lot of women do it anyway. Are there more of you out there?

There are a lot of us out here. Admitting you are a woman who does not want children is more subversive nowadays than coming out as a gay man.

This!! Even more so if you are a married woman with an unplanned pregnancy. Despite the fact that there are options available, there are pressures from family, society, and especially your partner that can make those options disappear. So, I would say that there is some small portion of those women who do not want to have children but do so anyway cave for reasons other than making an intentional decision to appease their spouse before they get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it matters who changed and why. If you are both solidly sure what you want on the issue, then you need a divorce. You can't have half a baby. If the concern is something that can be worked around (woman not wanting to go through pregnancy, financial concerns, not enjoying the baby/toddler years), then it might be worth counseling first. If you just don't want to be a parent, then you need to walk away.

This is good advice, including the counseling. This is a dealbreaker-kind of issue, so it's worth making sure you've both really thought about it. But don't drag out a marriage that's incompatible on such a fundamental issue.

I say this as someone who went into marriage not wanting to have children, while my husband was on the fence but leaning towards wanting them. I was 100 percent clear that I might not change my mind, he should not count on it, and he needed to be okay with not having kids if he married me. He truly was. Eventually, I decided that I would be open to having a child, and we did, but it was absolutely not the result of any pressure from him. I love my child to pieces, but kids are a lot of work and can be hard on a marriage. I can't imagine the stress that would be created by a child that one parent did not really want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't want kids. DH did. Before we got engaged, we agreed on one, even though he wanted more like three or four.

After two years of marriage, we got pregnant and had a baby. I was not excited at ALL. I could only envision myself being an even mediocre mother to a son. We got a girl. I was basically devastated and tried to talk DH into finding some woman who had a boy but wanted a girl, and then negotiate a switch. He insisted we try out our daughter. She's now three. I love her, and the second one who came after her.

I still can't stand other people's kids. I probably don't get as excited about my kids milestones as other people do. I hate kid toys and kid-centric things like Disney or whatever else.

If you don't want kids, don't have them. It's not fair to the child.

New poster here. I am almost in the same position as this PP. I said I wasn't sure if I ever wanted kids before marriage and asked my then-boyfriend/now husband if it was a dealbreaker--he said no, so I proceeded with the marriage. After we got married, he said he did not recall the conversation and said he never would have said that. After a year, all he could talk about was me getting off the pill. I got off but did not have sex with him for a few months because I did not want a kid. We had sex once and he was like, don't worry, if it will take months of trying before getting pregnant so by the time we get pregnant, you will be ready. It was Valentine's Day. I felt bad so I went ahead and did the deed. We got pregnant. I was devastated and he was thrilled.

I love her, and we have a second now (I refused to have one child), who I also love, but I would be much, much, happier without having kids. It is not how I wanted to spend my time. It is not enjoyable or fulfilling for me. Yes, there are joyful moments, but for me personally, it is not worth the sacrifice. I also can't stand kid-centric activities. I normally just tell my husband to take her to those places...I am not interested. Don't do it if you don't want kids. If he really wants kids, get out now and find someone who does not have kids who does not want them either so you can be happy having the same lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband and I had kids because we thought it was the right thing to do, not because we had a burning desire to do so.
One of our kids is special needs and will need living assistance for the rest of her life, which means we will be active parents and caregivers forever.
I urge you to consider all possible scenarios and not bank on getting a kid through adolescence in case you decide that you're not up for being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't want kids. DH did. Before we got engaged, we agreed on one, even though he wanted more like three or four.

After two years of marriage, we got pregnant and had a baby. I was not excited at ALL. I could only envision myself being an even mediocre mother to a son. We got a girl. I was basically devastated and tried to talk DH into finding some woman who had a boy but wanted a girl, and then negotiate a switch. He insisted we try out our daughter. She's now three. I love her, and the second one who came after her.

I still can't stand other people's kids. I probably don't get as excited about my kids milestones as other people do. I hate kid toys and kid-centric things like Disney or whatever else.

If you don't want kids, don't have them. It's not fair to the child.

New poster here. I am almost in the same position as this PP. I said I wasn't sure if I ever wanted kids before marriage and asked my then-boyfriend/now husband if it was a dealbreaker--he said no, so I proceeded with the marriage. After we got married, he said he did not recall the conversation and said he never would have said that. After a year, all he could talk about was me getting off the pill. I got off but did not have sex with him for a few months because I did not want a kid. We had sex once and he was like, don't worry, if it will take months of trying before getting pregnant so by the time we get pregnant, you will be ready. It was Valentine's Day. I felt bad so I went ahead and did the deed. We got pregnant. I was devastated and he was thrilled.

I love her, and we have a second now (I refused to have one child), who I also love, but I would be much, much, happier without having kids. It is not how I wanted to spend my time. It is not enjoyable or fulfilling for me. Yes, there are joyful moments, but for me personally, it is not worth the sacrifice. I also can't stand kid-centric activities. I normally just tell my husband to take her to those places...I am not interested. Don't do it if you don't want kids. If he really wants kids, get out now and find someone who does not have kids who does not want them either so you can be happy having the same lifestyle.

This is rather strange. You'd be much happier without children, so you decided to have more? Wouldn't you be less resentful, more rested and generally happier with one rather than two?

[Anonymous]

I also don't understand why someone would have two if they had to be dragged into having one. One is much easier than two.

[Anonymous]

Add me to the list of people who don't get why someone who didn't want one kid decided to have two. Are you like my DH who feels that kids should come in multiples of two?

[Anonymous]

I agree with other PP's. This is a dealbreaker and there is no remedy that will make you both happy. Go to counseling if you need to be sure. But you don't want a child and he wanted 3-4 (but "agrred") to one. The gap is too big and this is the basic core of a marriage. It really is a shame that you both did not walk away before being married - but here it is. You deserve the life that you want and your husband deserves the same. Best to part ways before resentment kicks in.

[Anonymous]

I wanted kids and had one . . . I would never suggest anyone "just have kids anyway." It is enormously hard work. It is a drain on your time, energy, marital relationship, money, freedom. It is putting your wants and needs second. Constantly.

Also, as a PP mentioned, there is no guarantee with kids. Your child may be born with special needs. Or develop them later. I know a family. A tree limb fell on their toddler's head while he was playing outside. Freak accident. Caused brain damage and other injuries. Turned their lives upside down. Tragedies happen. Don't have a kid unless you feel that you're up for the long haul if it comes to that.

Don't get me wrong . . . there's a lot of good and for me the good outweighs the bad. But it's not something to go into half-heartedly or just hoping for the best, or to save a marriage.

Good luck, whatever you decide

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had VERY wanted children, and they are SOOO hard. They take ALL of your time, your focus, your attention, a good chunk of your health, and a lot else. Unless you're rich enough not to need to work, you will not have time to pursue hobbies, work out, enjoy time with your spouse, or anything the way you used to. Everything will change.

I can tell you that, had I not been 100% into having kids from the get-go, I would resent the hell out of them. As it is, it's still very hard.

DO. NOT. DO. IT.

Agree with PPs that a couples counselor or a divorce is infinity preferable. If you have kids, trust me that you will probably end up divorced anyway out of resentment!

I feel exactly like this poster. Wanted my children, love them completely, and yet sometimes mourn the loss of my independence. Would resent the heck out of them if I hadn't wanted them.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it if you don't want it, and don't try to talk your husband into it. This is a dealbreaker issue - if one of you gives in, he or she will regret it in future.

FYI, my DH stalled on child #2 despite the fact that we explicitly agreed to have more than one. I told him I was ready to leave him over it because I wouldn't have been able to get over my resentment. I am one week from delivering #2 today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it if you don't want it, and don't try to talk your husband into it. This is a dealbreaker issue - if one of you gives in, he or she will regret it in future.

FYI, my DH stalled on child #2 despite the fact that we explicitly agreed to have more than one. I told him I was ready to leave him over it because I wouldn't have been able to get over my resentment. I am one week from delivering #2 today.

So, basically you violated your advice to OP and twisted your husband's arm into a kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it if you don't want it, and don't try to talk your husband into it. This is a dealbreaker issue - if one of you gives in, he or she will regret it in future.

FYI, my DH stalled on child #2 despite the fact that we explicitly agreed to have more than one. I told him I was ready to leave him over it because I wouldn't have been able to get over my resentment. I am one week from delivering #2 today.

Ummm.... I don't think this exactly a shining star example. What makes y think your husband doesn't resent you now, as it seems he was unsure about #2?

I guess congratulations - but how come it's a deal breaker for you, but you don't expect it to be for your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it if you don't want it, and don't try to talk your husband into it. This is a dealbreaker issue - if one of you gives in, he or she will regret it in future.

FYI, my DH stalled on child #2 despite the fact that we explicitly agreed to have more than one. I told him I was ready to leave him over it because I wouldn't have been able to get over my resentment. I am one week from delivering #2 today.

So, basically you violated your advice to OP and twisted your husband's arm into a kid?

No, I told him I'd leave if he didn't do it. He decided to do it. There's a difference between "please please do it" or "this is what I need. If I'm not getting what I need, I'm leaving". He could have left, too. He decided not to. I know he doesn't resent me because he keeps talking about the baby excitedly.