DH wants kids and I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it if you don't want it, and don't try to talk your husband into it. This is a dealbreaker issue - if one of you gives in, he or she will regret it in future.

FYI, my DH stalled on child #2 despite the fact that we explicitly agreed to have more than one. I told him I was ready to leave him over it because I wouldn't have been able to get over my resentment. I am one week from delivering #2 today.

Ummm.... I don't think this exactly a shining star example. What makes y think your husband doesn't resent you now, as it seems he was unsure about #2?

I guess congratulations - but how come it's a deal breaker for you, but you don't expect it to be for your DH?

If it was a dealbreaker, he could have left. Since he did not, it must not have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also don't understand why someone would have two if they had to be dragged into having one. One is much easier than two.

NP, but I did not want kids and DH and I agreed to no kids before we married. 10 years into the marriage he decided he *had* to have kids. We argued about it for a long time and he threatened divorce over it. I gave in and had DS1. I was miserable through pregnancy and dreaded being a mother and was convinced I had no maternal instinct and would be a terrible mother. But, when he came, I absolutely loved him and I truly think he's the best thing that ever happened to me and I love being a mother. I don't regret it at all (except I do miss having some alone time once in a while), my only regret is I didn't have him when I was younger. He's 4 now and DS2 is almost 1 year. I AM two and through though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it if you don't want it, and don't try to talk your husband into it. This is a dealbreaker issue - if one of you gives in, he or she will regret it in future.

FYI, my DH stalled on child #2 despite the fact that we explicitly agreed to have more than one. I told him I was ready to leave him over it because I wouldn't have been able to get over my resentment. I am one week from delivering #2 today.

Ummm.... I don't think this exactly a shining star example. What makes y think your husband doesn't resent you now, as it seems he was unsure about #2?

I guess congratulations - but how come it's a deal breaker for you, but you don't expect it to be for your DH?

If it was a dealbreaker, he could have left. Since he did not, it must not have been.

By your own post, baby isn't even born yet. I think there's something about counting chickens?

[Anonymous]

It's okay to not want a child. It's YOUR body. You are the one who would have to go through pregnancy and give birth to a child you don't want. YOU get to decide whether you have kids, not your husband. It's too bad that you are no longer on the same page, but don't let your husband strong-arm you into it! Many will say that you'll regret not having kids, and maybe you will. But I think it would be better to regret NOT having kids as opposed to regretting becoming a parent.

The down side to making the decision to not have kids is that standing up for your belief might cause your marriage to suffer or end, and you have to be ready for that. Your DH might get over it, but then in a few years decide that he can't be complete without children and leave you for someone who wants the same thing. Or worse, he could start looking for that person while he is still married to you. If you are certain that you don't want children, he shouldn't demand it of you. You guys should be ready to sit down and talk about whether you should part ways as a result.

[Anonymous]

Mine wanted kids and threatened to leave me unless we had one. Like an idiot, I caved. I LOVE my son, but life is unbearably hard. For me it was religious issues that kept me married. Don't make my mistake.

[Anonymous]

We stalled on children, but became complete converts after DS, an oopsie, arrived. Now we wish we had started a family immediately because we have run out of time to have more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We stalled on children, but became complete converts after DS, an oopsie, arrived. Now we wish we had started a family immediately because we have run out of time to have more.

And this is flawed thinking.

A couple should be complete, before arrival of a baby. A baby only enhances an already strong team. A couple that is "incomplete" without a child should actually consider their issues.
Having children is a strain, and no partner should do it unless they're sure. Yes, oopses happen, but this is a different case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it if you don't want it, and don't try to talk your husband into it. This is a dealbreaker issue - if one of you gives in, he or she will regret it in future.

FYI, my DH stalled on child #2 despite the fact that we explicitly agreed to have more than one. I told him I was ready to leave him over it because I wouldn't have been able to get over my resentment. I am one week from delivering #2 today.

So, basically you violated your advice to OP and twisted your husband's arm into a kid?

No, I told him I'd leave if he didn't do it. He decided to do it. There's a difference between "please please do it" or "this is what I need. If I'm not getting what I need, I'm leaving". He could have left, too. He decided not to. I know he doesn't resent me because he keeps talking about the baby excitedly.

Yeah, no one actually means those vows these days anyway, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We stalled on children, but became complete converts after DS, an oopsie, arrived. Now we wish we had started a family immediately because we have run out of time to have more.

And this is flawed thinking.

A couple should be complete, before arrival of a baby. A baby only enhances an already strong team. A couple that is "incomplete" without a child should actually consider their issues.
Having children is a strain, and no partner should do it unless they're sure. Yes, oopses happen, but this is a different case.

PP didn't say they became complete after having a child, she said they became complete converts on the idea of having kids. Reading comprehension...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We stalled on children, but became complete converts after DS, an oopsie, arrived. Now we wish we had started a family immediately because we have run out of time to have more.

And this is flawed thinking.

A couple should be complete, before arrival of a baby. A baby only enhances an already strong team. A couple that is "incomplete" without a child should actually consider their issues.
Having children is a strain, and no partner should do it unless they're sure. Yes, oopses happen, but this is a different case.

PP didn't say they became complete after having a child, she said they became complete converts on the idea of having kids. Reading comprehension...

+1!

To those who aren't happy as parents, are you martyrs? Do you have a regular sitter or family to help out? I say this as a single mom who made <50K when DD was born. DD was a rough baby and toddler. Mellowed a bit as a preschooler but was still a bit of a handful. Now, as a 5yo, she is a delight. I enjoy parenting because she's a little person now vs a baby. I wasn't someone who loved being around kids. It's only been in the past year that I have forgiven myself for not being like my mother who LOVES doing kid-centric activities. My DD is happiest when we're both having fun, so we do things that we each enjoy together. Yoga. Dancing (to music we both enjoy). We play cards together, she enjoys reading like I do, she can make a sandwich or find a snack without assistance, etc. We try cooking new dishes together. She can make crafts with her friends and with Grandma. No use in pretending to be something I'm not.

I have had regular alone time since she was a toddler, however. I still go on weekend trips, with and without her. I date and see my friends regularly, almost as much as I would without kids as a 30 something. When she was a baby, mommy guilt kept me in the house. I felt like I "needed" to be around unless I was working. But, that isn't true at all. Sure, maybe I leave the house after putting her to bed or while she's with family. I believe you're more likely to resent the responsibility when you don't have regular social outlets. So make that a priority!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it if you don't want it, and don't try to talk your husband into it. This is a dealbreaker issue - if one of you gives in, he or she will regret it in future.

FYI, my DH stalled on child #2 despite the fact that we explicitly agreed to have more than one. I told him I was ready to leave him over it because I wouldn't have been able to get over my resentment. I am one week from delivering #2 today.

So, basically you violated your advice to OP and twisted your husband's arm into a kid?

No, I told him I'd leave if he didn't do it. He decided to do it. There's a difference between "please please do it" or "this is what I need. If I'm not getting what I need, I'm leaving". He could have left, too. He decided not to. I know he doesn't resent me because he keeps talking about the baby excitedly.

Yeah, no one actually means those vows these days anyway, right?

Stop pretending you know anything about vows other people exchanged.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I had two kids although I didn't really want any because I did not want my child to grow up in a house with just adults. I wanted her to have a childhood with memories with another child, and I want her to have someone in the world to reminisce about her childhood and someone to celebrate holidays with after my husband and I are gone. I thought it would be too terrible to leave her on her own to bury her parents. I also did not want to burden one child with having to deal with aging parents someday on her own (it is hard to deal with...my parents are not in the greatest health and there will be tough decisions down the road and I am so glad I have a brother who will go through this with me.) Yes, I would be less stressed and well rested with just one, but to me, I felt so strongly for a sibling and felt that is the greatest gift I could give my child. So, that was the reason I always thought 0 kids or 2 (but not just one).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it if you don't want it, and don't try to talk your husband into it. This is a dealbreaker issue - if one of you gives in, he or she will regret it in future.

FYI, my DH stalled on child #2 despite the fact that we explicitly agreed to have more than one. I told him I was ready to leave him over it because I wouldn't have been able to get over my resentment. I am one week from delivering #2 today.

Ummm.... I don't think this exactly a shining star example. What makes y think your husband doesn't resent you now, as it seems he was unsure about #2?

I guess congratulations - but how come it's a deal breaker for you, but you don't expect it to be for your DH?

If it was a dealbreaker, he could have left. Since he did not, it must not have been.

By your own post, baby isn't even born yet. I think there's something about counting chickens?

I think I can tell an excited man from a resentful one.

[Anonymous]

OP, talk to your husband. REALLY Talk to him. It's possible he couldn't really care less. Some people think they want kids because they are supposed to want kids, but when it gets right down to it, they're ok with not having kids. He might like the idea of kids, but not the actual work of having them. He might be a little sad, but find some other way to enjoy being around children, like being a great uncle or volunteering as a soccer coach.

But don't have kids if you don't want them.

Now, there's a possibility he'll leave you to have kids with someone else. Would you be ok with that?

[Anonymous]

If you agreed to it before you were married and then YOU changed your mind then YOU need to do something about this. He was upfront with you about what he wanted and your change of mind is completely unfair to him. What if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you feel?