DH wants kids and I don't.

[Anonymous]

I know a woman who wanted a child badly but didn't want to do anything with him after he was born. I guess you never know how things will turn out in the end.

I wanted a child, and I love him to bits. I wish I could have another. I still hate other people's kids and kid-centric things like Disney. DS's shit everywhere is hella annoying, but I deal. No, I don't think this makes me mentally compromised LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't want kids. DH did. Before we got engaged, we agreed on one, even though he wanted more like three or four.

After two years of marriage, we got pregnant and had a baby. I was not excited at ALL. I could only envision myself being an even mediocre mother to a son. We got a girl. I was basically devastated and tried to talk DH into finding some woman who had a boy but wanted a girl, and then negotiate a switch. He insisted we try out our daughter. She's now three. I love her, and the second one who came after her.

I still can't stand other people's kids. I probably don't get as excited about my kids milestones as other people do. I hate kid toys and kid-centric things like Disney or whatever else.

If you don't want kids, don't have them. It's not fair to the child.

And the bolded, ladies and gentlemen, is why people (their gender doesn't matter) who don't want kids should not have kids.

This is so out of the realm of normal that I don't even know how to comment it, PP, but I get it. You didn't want kids, you caved in for your husband. To do so is unfair to everyone and, first and foremost, to the child.

BTW, PP, I'm not berating you, and I recognize it takes a ton of guts to say something like that, even on an anonymous forum.

OP, read this and, for the love of God, don't have any child you don't want.

I read it as tongue in cheek. I picture a pregnant woman having an ultrasound, coming home emotional, and saying some crazy stuff. Then pulling it together and spending the rest of her pregnancy getting used to the idea of having a girl. Not that she ever seriously wanted to switch babies with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't want kids. DH did. Before we got engaged, we agreed on one, even though he wanted more like three or four.

After two years of marriage, we got pregnant and had a baby. I was not excited at ALL. I could only envision myself being an even mediocre mother to a son. We got a girl. I was basically devastated and tried to talk DH into finding some woman who had a boy but wanted a girl, and then negotiate a switch. He insisted we try out our daughter. She's now three. I love her, and the second one who came after her.

I still can't stand other people's kids. I probably don't get as excited about my kids milestones as other people do. I hate kid toys and kid-centric things like Disney or whatever else.

If you don't want kids, don't have them. It's not fair to the child.

And the bolded, ladies and gentlemen, is why people (their gender doesn't matter) who don't want kids should not have kids.

This is so out of the realm of normal that I don't even know how to comment it, PP, but I get it. You didn't want kids, you caved in for your husband. To do so is unfair to everyone and, first and foremost, to the child.

BTW, PP, I'm not berating you, and I recognize it takes a ton of guts to say something like that, even on an anonymous forum.

OP, read this and, for the love of God, don't have any child you don't want.

I read it as tongue in cheek. I picture a pregnant woman having an ultrasound, coming home emotional, and saying some crazy stuff. Then pulling it together and spending the rest of her pregnancy getting used to the idea of having a girl. Not that she ever seriously wanted to switch babies with someone else.

Me too. Can't believe so many can't tell the difference. It's sad, really. And, like a pp, I can't believe how many fail basic reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We used to be on the same page about this and now we aren't. Should I do it anyway?

Well, why aren't you still on that page together?

Irrelevant.

Not irrelevant. If she hadn't posted that everyone would be asking why they didn't discuss before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of woman doesn't want children

About 25% of women.

[Anonymous]

I had a child because DH really wanted one. I would have been happy never having children. Heck, I would have been happy just living together and never getting married and I tried my best to sell DH on that.

I adore my son and my love for him has made being a parent easier. Anyone would tell you that I am a very patient, adoring, devoted parent. Truth be told, however, if I could go back in time and not have a baby, I would. No one knows this. And it is not because I don't love my son. It is because having a child changes everything and the pressure, expense, lack of freedom, and impact on every area of life are all tremendous. This is a lifetime decision and can never be undone. I really miss the life I had before I let DH talk me into having a child.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Interestingly, secretly wishing I had not had a child has made me a really loving parent. It is not my son's fault that I didn't stand up for what I wanted and let DH's desperation for a child sway me. My boy is a gorgeous, sweet, perfect little angel. I just cannot help missing my old life and feeling that I let DH cheat me out of my freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a child because DH really wanted one. I would have been happy never having children. Heck, I would have been happy just living together and never getting married and I tried my best to sell DH on that.

I adore my son and my love for him has made being a parent easier. Anyone would tell you that I am a very patient, adoring, devoted parent. Truth be told, however, if I could go back in time and not have a baby, I would. No one knows this. And it is not because I don't love my son. It is because having a child changes everything and the pressure, expense, lack of freedom, and impact on every area of life are all tremendous. This is a lifetime decision and can never be undone. I really miss the life I had before I let DH talk me into having a child.

This sounds a little like my ex husband. Wanted a son, we had one. Clearly decided that it changed too much, so he undid his decision when his son was 6 months old by declaring he didn't really want to be a father. WE divorced, I remarried, had another son, (husband adopted first son), and we've been a happy family for 16 yrs and counting. Some people really don't (unlike this PP) ever get to the adoring love stage, they are stuck in the "it should be like this" stage. THe Kodak Moments that we think we should all want.

Make sure you really want it, and if you don't, don't do it.

[Anonymous]

OP, regardless of who changed his/her mind about this, this is a dealbreaker. It's not something that can be fixed either - it's a basic incompatibility. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be childfree. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have children. But a marriage in which one partner wants children and another does not, cannot survive.

And no, I do not recommend for either party to cave - a person who didn't want children but had them to save their marriage is going to be miserable and resentful (and probably not a good parent). A person who wanted children and didn't have them to save their marriage is going to feel deprived of something truly basic and be miserable and resentful. I hate to say it, but this marriage is dead, it's just how long you want to lug a corpse around at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart just breaks for those of you whined children and wish you hadn't. For you and your kids. I wonder if many women are in the same boat -- that it's still so unacceptable to adnir you don't want children if you're a woman that a lot of women do it anyway. Are there more of you out there?

There are a lot of us out here. Admitting you are a woman who does not want children is more subversive nowadays than coming out as a gay man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There are a lot of us out here. Admitting you are a woman who does not want children is more subversive nowadays than coming out as a gay man.

Totally. I don't want kids, and I've pretty much just decided to let people assume I'm infertile and had a hard time conceiving instead of telling them I don't want kids. Hopefully at some point I'll work up the courage to be honest, but for now and with people it doesn't really matter with - I'm just going to let it ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My heart just breaks for those of you whined children and wish you hadn't. For you and your kids. I wonder if many women are in the same boat -- that it's still so unacceptable to adnir you don't want children if you're a woman that a lot of women do it anyway. Are there more of you out there?

There are a lot of us out here. Admitting you are a woman who does not want children is more subversive nowadays than coming out as a gay man.

Yep. You still have backwards people who think a childfree woman is evil and unnatural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a child because DH really wanted one. I would have been happy never having children. Heck, I would have been happy just living together and never getting married and I tried my best to sell DH on that.

I adore my son and my love for him has made being a parent easier. Anyone would tell you that I am a very patient, adoring, devoted parent. Truth be told, however, if I could go back in time and not have a baby, I would. No one knows this. And it is not because I don't love my son. It is because having a child changes everything and the pressure, expense, lack of freedom, and impact on every area of life are all tremendous. This is a lifetime decision and can never be undone. I really miss the life I had before I let DH talk me into having a child.

This sounds a little like my ex husband. Wanted a son, we had one. Clearly decided that it changed too much, so he undid his decision when his son was 6 months old by declaring he didn't really want to be a father. WE divorced, I remarried, had another son, (husband adopted first son), and we've been a happy family for 16 yrs and counting. Some people really don't (unlike this PP) ever get to the adoring love stage, they are stuck in the "it should be like this" stage. THe Kodak Moments that we think we should all want.

Make sure you really want it, and if you don't, don't do it.

PP here. If I was a man, I may very well have taken off. Nature has conspired to bind women to their babies, however. For the whole first trimester, I secretly wanted to miscarry. And then I started showing and he started moving and I learned his rhythms and started looking forward to my ultrasounds. All the hormones and anticipation really helped alleviate my depression at my freedom slipping away and this new responsibility sinking in. I chose to go medication-free for childbirth partly because, even after a smooth, lovely pregnancy, I was still afraid that I might not bond with him. After hours of labor and pushing him out in agony, I felt as if I had won the lottery. Despite that, I still had a secret period of real depression and panic. The hormone bath that is breastfeeding lifted me out of it. All of this is to say that I needed every second of pregnancy and labor and breastfeeding to help me process becoming a parent. Men don't get any of that. Your ex is still a lousy, deadbeat loser, but being an unwilling parent is a huge burden and I can understand the urge to run (though he is forever damned for giving in to it!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of woman doesn't want children

Smsrt ones.t

[Anonymous]

Just want to point out that it is worth trying to figure out how you feel about kids in the abstract, versus how you might feel about YOUR kids.

I am not, and have never been, one of those people who liked children generally. They're fine, but I don't loooooove kids. But I love MY kids, and I'm delighted to have them -- particularly now that they are older and verbal.