Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

This thread is so eye-opening!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence.

I would be fine with a 14 year old nephew who I didn't see very often (per OP's original post) missing either my wedding or my funeral. And I don't even care about sports at all.

+1

I actually have a family situation very similar to OP. Extremely close sister in different state with teenage niece and nephew.

If I'm dead, please go to the sports tournament!!!

I think this boils down to how your family operates. Some families really place a lot of value on showing up for the big events - must be there at all the holidays, birthday parties, graduations, etc. And some families aren't like that but are still very close. It doesn't mean one way is better or one family loves each other more.

+1000

Give me a family where everyone just trusts in what they mean to each other, rather than one with an attendance sheet.

It's not about an attendance sheet. It's about sharing in the joys and celebrations in your family's life.

[Anonymous]

At 14, he's not going to do that, especially if it means missing out on his first varsity game as a freshman, which is something he's obviously worked hard for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence.

I would be fine with a 14 year old nephew who I didn't see very often (per OP's original post) missing either my wedding or my funeral. And I don't even care about sports at all.

+1

I actually have a family situation very similar to OP. Extremely close sister in different state with teenage niece and nephew.

If I'm dead, please go to the sports tournament!!!

I think this boils down to how your family operates. Some families really place a lot of value on showing up for the big events - must be there at all the holidays, birthday parties, graduations, etc. And some families aren't like that but are still very close. It doesn't mean one way is better or one family loves each other more.

+1000

Give me a family where everyone just trusts in what they mean to each other, rather than one with an attendance sheet.

It's not about an attendance sheet. It's about sharing in the joys and celebrations in your family's life.

1. Not everyone shares joy in the same way.
2. A 14 year old boy will not feel joy at a wedding. He'll be bored stiff. And the OP, who sounds lovely, might interact with him for 5 minutes at most.

[Anonymous]

"Give me a family where everyone just trusts in what they mean to each other, rather than one with an attendance sheet."

Can I wholeheartedly believe in the above quote and also think it's crazy to go to a sports match over this wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider from your sister's perspective is that your wedding was planned around all of your niece's events. Your sister specifically ensured that her daughter wouldn't have to miss anything, and then completely forgot about her son. How does she explain that to your nephew in a way that doesn't make painfully obvious the fundamental unfairness there? Your sister is in a tough place, because your wedding is important, but so is her own family, and she needs to make judgment calls there that reflect all of their values, including basic fairness.

OP here, yes the above very much occurred to me. I think, for a variety of reasons (not saying they are good reasons), everyone is used to thinking of and accommodating the older niece's sports conflicts.

The tournament is the first sports happening of the season. It's a spring sport for them. I don't think it'd have such a big impact on his high school playing career, as some have presumed, but who knows. My sister did not say it that way or imply that, just that it was important. If it did, gosh, what a shame. I can't imagine a high school coach not understanding a family wedding obligation. But maybe I'm naive. I played sports all of my life (and for my college) but that was long ago and things have certainly changed. A ton.

Thanks for all the thoughts so far (and the nice comments, no matter your opinion). It helps me to see that she's not the only one with this perspective, even though I'm having a hard time relating (like several of the other posters).

I don't want this to be a wedge, as I'm sure I've made and will make choices that disappoint her, but I sure am surprised and disappointed nonetheless. Ultimately it's their choice and I'll just make peace with it. At 40, I've learned that you can't make these things in a family so defining or black and white.

Like others have said, it's kind of a no win at this point. If she changes her mind, I'll feel horrible about that. Best would have been to avoid this altogether, which we tried, but things happen, including brain farts. I hope in expressing my feelings that I don't motivate a change in the choice, because not sure I want that guilt. Jewish family here. We don't do well with guilt.

Would people have a different opinion if this was a girl and not a boy? Or a 10y versus a 14yo? Just curious.

Or if the kid's event was not a sport? What if it were the daughter and the wedding was the same day as her one and only solo or leading role in a ballet for which she had been rehearsing for six months? My daughter dances extensively. We get schedules pretty far in advance, fortunately, but if she were cast in a solo featured role or duet etc. in a show -- with six months of rehearsals and other dancers' parts depending on her doing her part -- it would be a grave issue to miss the actual performance. A dancer could of course turn down a role, all roles, knowing that a wedding was on a specific date, but as with sports, that could result in being overlooked in the future.

My child has not had to miss anything as vital as a wedding for dance, though there have been some serious conflicts.

And what if it's a non-sports competition? A team science competition for instance, or a team "quiz bowl" kind of competition where kids have worked all school year long for a regional or state final and other team members are depending on that teen being there, bringing the expertise he or she has developed over many months or an entire school year? Friends of my daughter's do these kinds of competitions and put in tons of hours each week, of their own time, on top of their homework time and other obligations. All for a one-time event, the date of which is outside their control.

I'm not saying "There are so many reasons to skip a wedding!" I'm just noting that in sports and in other pursuits there are kids the nephew's age who are putting far more effort into some of these activities than some adults realize -- many months of work that culminate in ONE performance, or one science competition on a given day and no other, or one civics competition that won't be repeated. Not even a sport where there are multiple games leading up to a tournament -- just a huge amount of preparation for a single event.

I don't know what we'd do if there were a conflict like a wedding or funeral but we would have to weigh that one-time event against the family event, for sure. A lot would depend on the people involved. I tend to go with those folks posting above that to a 14-year-old nephew, an aunt's wedding may not be that big a deal. While I'm sorry that it's a bigger deal for the aunt, I also hope and expect she'll be enjoying herself so much on the day itself that she won't be as disappointed by then.

[Anonymous]

Yes you can believe in that sentiment and still think it is crazy not to attend the wedding. As a pp so nicely said, it's not about an attendance sheet, it's about sharing in your joys and sorrows with those closest to you. I would be disappointed if my nephew were not at my wedding, and as the sister it would be very important to me that my family and I be at my sister's wedding. Not because ai want to check some imaginary box, but because I'd want to share in her joy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence.

I would be fine with a 14 year old nephew who I didn't see very often (per OP's original post) missing either my wedding or my funeral. And I don't even care about sports at all.

+1

I actually have a family situation very similar to OP. Extremely close sister in different state with teenage niece and nephew.

If I'm dead, please go to the sports tournament!!!

I think this boils down to how your family operates. Some families really place a lot of value on showing up for the big events - must be there at all the holidays, birthday parties, graduations, etc. And some families aren't like that but are still very close. It doesn't mean one way is better or one family loves each other more.

+1000

Give me a family where everyone just trusts in what they mean to each other, rather than one with an attendance sheet.

It's not about an attendance sheet. It's about sharing in the joys and celebrations in your family's life.

I agree with this with the following stipulation- Sharing in the joy has to be optional and people can't be punished for not attending said events. Otherwise it's emotional blackmail, not a loving family. Btdt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you can believe in that sentiment and still think it is crazy not to attend the wedding. As a pp so nicely said, it's not about an attendance sheet, it's about sharing in your joys and sorrows with those closest to you. I would be disappointed if my nephew were not at my wedding, and as the sister it would be very important to me that my family and I be at my sister's wedding. Not because ai want to check some imaginary box, but because I'd want to share in her joy!

But in this scenario, your son doesn't want to go to the wedding at all. And if you make him go, he will be angry and disappointed. It won't be a joyous family scene at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence.

I would be fine with a 14 year old nephew who I didn't see very often (per OP's original post) missing either my wedding or my funeral. And I don't even care about sports at all.

+1

I actually have a family situation very similar to OP. Extremely close sister in different state with teenage niece and nephew.

If I'm dead, please go to the sports tournament!!!

I think this boils down to how your family operates. Some families really place a lot of value on showing up for the big events - must be there at all the holidays, birthday parties, graduations, etc. And some families aren't like that but are still very close. It doesn't mean one way is better or one family loves each other more.

+1000

Give me a family where everyone just trusts in what they mean to each other, rather than one with an attendance sheet.

It's not about an attendance sheet. It's about sharing in the joys and celebrations in your family's life.

1. Not everyone shares joy in the same way.
2. A 14 year old boy will not feel joy at a wedding. He'll be bored stiff. And the OP, who sounds lovely, might interact with him for 5 minutes at most.

OP here. It's a small wedding. 50-60 people. I think my nephew wants to come (was excited to do a reading and had his outfit planned out) and would be something less than bored stiff and hating it, but not sure it'd go all the way to the joy level or close! I get it. Kid/teenager. I'm not putting anything on him anywhichway he feels about it. I feel badly he can't do both, because I think he would actually want to if there was no conflict. I guess my initial reaction was it being a lesson in family. You might be bored, you might have something you think is better, and even something important, but family is the most important and this is how we show up for people, when it's inconvenient or when other good things are available as well. But need to remember that I can't put that value or perspective on my sister. I can just say when I have a kid, if I feel the same way, that will be my choice. And then I can duck as my son throws items at me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What if this was OP's funeral? (sorry, OP!) Would it be okay for her nephew to miss a funeral of a close family member for a soccer tournament? A wedding is just as important and I'd say almost more so since the guest of honor is alive to appreciate your presence.

I would be fine with a 14 year old nephew who I didn't see very often (per OP's original post) missing either my wedding or my funeral. And I don't even care about sports at all.

+1

I actually have a family situation very similar to OP. Extremely close sister in different state with teenage niece and nephew.

If I'm dead, please go to the sports tournament!!!

I think this boils down to how your family operates. Some families really place a lot of value on showing up for the big events - must be there at all the holidays, birthday parties, graduations, etc. And some families aren't like that but are still very close. It doesn't mean one way is better or one family loves each other more.

+1000

Give me a family where everyone just trusts in what they mean to each other, rather than one with an attendance sheet.

It's not about an attendance sheet. It's about sharing in the joys and celebrations in your family's life.

I agree with this with the following stipulation- Sharing in the joy has to be optional and people can't be punished for not attending said events. Otherwise it's emotional blackmail, not a loving family. Btdt.

Agreed. But I think this is something that should be instilled in children as a family value. Adults have the freedom to choose, I don't think kids should and I don't think a kid's activity should trump a wedding of a close family member, except, as another pp noted, a state or national level competition. Here the sister has made that choice and, as OP says, it's really a no win situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes you can believe in that sentiment and still think it is crazy not to attend the wedding. As a pp so nicely said, it's not about an attendance sheet, it's about sharing in your joys and sorrows with those closest to you. I would be disappointed if my nephew were not at my wedding, and as the sister it would be very important to me that my family and I be at my sister's wedding. Not because ai want to check some imaginary box, but because I'd want to share in her joy!

But in this scenario, your son doesn't want to go to the wedding at all. And if you make him go, he will be angry and disappointed. It won't be a joyous family scene at all.

Then you explain to him that if he wants his family to reciprocate and be there to celebrate his graduation, or confirmation, or 16th birthday or what ever, that this is how your family works.

I have cousins that are a full generation younger than me. They have never participated in any family function - including thanksgiving meal that their mom prepared for 38 people that was served in their home while they stayed upstairs in their room. This complete lack of interest (and lack of basic manners) has not gone unnoticed in our family. I doubt anyone will make an effort to attend their upcoming graduations from college or high school. And, honestly, I mostly blame their parents for this. They have allowed the kids to slide away from the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for the parents of preschoolers/babies to infiltrate this thread with their outrage.
Your sister is right. Your nephew can't miss this tournament.

+1 and if my kids were preschoolers/babies/3rd graders, I would totally be on the flip side of this. But now that I've got kids on team sports *and they are older* I do see the problem here as legitimate.

The key here is we are talking about a team sport.

When kids are little, missing a practice or game really no big deal. But by the time they are 14, on a team sport, each kid has a position and there's various plays and they've all got their part in it. The team depends on each kid--in clubs or travel teams, they are not fungible at 14 y.o.

So the kid might be penalized in the future for not showing up--because the coach recognizes that no matter how great his talent, the family cannot be depended on, therefore the kid can't be depended on to show up. And it goes against all the band-of-brothers training and bonding.

And look, it's not like when tournament day was selected, the kid opted out and they worked around him--no, it was the bad luck of your sister to give you the green light about the bad date. So by now the kid is probably a crucial part of the whole team working well.

I have to hand it to you--you are handling it well and assuming you are childless, you are handling it extraordinarily well.

So here's two stories that show decisions I would have never made:

I've got two DCs who are very good in a team sport. The older DC had a string of bad breaks--was sick, got injured, then had some school conflicts, etc. Over this past 4 day weekend we were going to visit cousins. By that time she'd missed so much that I stayed home with her and let DH take my other DC. I felt horrible but also felt to miss more would be to betray her team, not live up to her commitment to that team, leave the team weakened, and, sure, possibly ruin her chances on getting play time or being on the team in the future.

The second DC's story is that last spring, her team made it to the national finals in another state. The kids and I had gone cross country to my hometown for the summer, and my DH flew out from WDC and took my DC back to meet her team to play. It cost us a lot of money that we didn't want to spend, but we did it. We originally weren't going to do it, but the team did not want to go unless our kid went; they said they'd never win without her. Because, again, at this age, the kids are not fungible--it's not because my DC is a superstar; it's because of the way the individual team members work together.

All this and I'm still going to agree with the preschool moms (or moms of violinists and other solo activities) here and say, YES IT'S TOTALLY F'D UP. But it is the system that is in place. And look, normally you can work your life around it. It was just that OP's sister made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have high schoolers who run xc, and they would miss a tournament for a wedding. Only exception would be states.

Two of my kids are in college on athletic scholorships. They absolutely would have missed a high school race/game for a close family member's wedding. No question. And every coach I've ever known would have understood.

You people have some messed up priorities. OP- A 14 year old boy is going to choose sports over a wedding every time. But he certainly could miss the event with no lasting consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have high schoolers who run xc, and they would miss a tournament for a wedding. Only exception would be states.

Two of my kids are in college on athletic scholorships. They absolutely would have missed a high school race/game for a close family member's wedding. No question. And every coach I've ever known would have understood.

You people have some messed up priorities. OP- A 14 year old boy is going to choose sports over a wedding every time. But he certainly could miss the event with no lasting consequences.

The fact that you say "race" makes me think your kid doesn't play a team sport. Is that right?