Pregnant at 42.5 and with serious marital issues
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Anonymous
Jawohl - die Volk must be improved, nein? |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry. I am 43 with a toddler and dealing with very similar marital issues. It is terrifying and heartbreaking.
I'm sorry to say that if I became pregnant most likely I would choose to terminate the pregnancy. I think it is going to be increasingly more challenging to parent our child as his dad gets worse, and I can't imagine giving the child half of the attention he gets from me now, or even less if we had a special needs child or a void with health issues. With a full time job, I already feel like my son doesn't get Aniyah of my time. I couldn't in good conscience limit it more and make him feel less secure in a world where stability is not within my control. |
Anonymous
| Your abusive marriage is on the rocks. Why in the hell are you even having sex with this man? |
Anonymous
This is a terrible assumption. My mother is bipolar and an alcoholic. My dad was just an alcoholic. My brother was a holy terror as a child, and he took out our family's dysfunction by abusing me physically and terrorizing me mentally. He was diagnosed bipolar at 21. He died by suicide at 39. We did actually have a few good years in there while he was stable, but for the most part he was a destabilizing, abusive, stressful, worrisome, scary part of my life, and he now constitutes its greatest grief. No way would I bring another child into an abusive marriage with a bipolar parent on the assumption that the sinking would be a source of stength and support. Most kids who grow up in abusive, chaotic homes grow up with major wounds. This mom needs to focus all her efforts on her existing child, not make another and blindly hope it will be a good thing. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Tried talking about it with my spouse this weekend. He doesnt want to discuss it because It's too hard for him to think about. He wouldn't want to accompany me if I had an abortion because it would be too emotionally hard. He doesn't know what to do but won't face a converstion with me.
This is why I am so afraid of taking on this pregnancy. It's all in me, in additon to the grim marriage |
Anonymous
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12:46 here. OP, I am so sorry you didn't get a better response from your DH. In some ways it feels lonely to do it all on your own, but in other ways, it is really easier.
The worst period for me was when I was trying to make decisions in a way that would take account of my DH. He just never could come through (or rarely). The stress of expecting something and never getting it was too much. Once I started making decisions on my own for myself and my children, I felt a lot better. Also, this limbo-period is hard -- when you are still in the marriage but unsure if it will survive. I realized that if I couldn't depend on my DH, I could depend on other people. Pick a few good friends who you can tell all and whom you know won't judge and will be supportive. Tell your parents and siblings all if they can be helpful and nonjudgmental. Build a general support network of other moms (single or married) with whom you can share family meals, exchange babysitting or playdates, etc. You can create a support network without your spouse; you do not have to be alone. Whether or not you decide to keep the baby, you will need support from others. |
Anonymous
I'm so sorry, OP. So terribly sorry. If I were you, I would take this as all the information you need (in addition to what you already have) to know that termination is probably the best decision for you and your existing child. He can't even talk to you about this...what kind of support would he be for you caring for an infant in addition to your child? What if a new baby had health challenges? What would happen if a new baby had to be in the NICU for a long time, or had special needs? Could you count on him? Can you now? I hate to be such a downer. I'm the PP above with the bipolar brother who died and the bipolar mother who still is a huge stressor in my life. Even if you get a divorce, co-parenting with your husband is always going to be a huge challenge, and you can't necessarily trust that he will get on meds, stay on meds, be stable, etc. You didn't know all this before you created your first child but you do now. I would not bring another child into the world under these circumstances. That said, I wish you all the luck and strength in the world. Will be rooting for you and hope you provide updates. |
Anonymous
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OP, you said origionally that you did not want to abort. Don't let dh, or his issues, force you to do that. Why should he get to cause that?
You sound like a strong, loving woman. You can have this child, you can take care of him/her, he has to pay his portion, and you don't have to decide to abort. It really can work out ok in the end. As far as bipolar-my grandmother was diagnosed, classical bipolar, in a time when it was less common. Nicely put, she was nuts. Yet she had 4 children who led successful lives. Oh and she was divorced also. None of them have mental illness, none of us grandchildren (now middle aged adults) do, and to date none of the great grands do. So it's not necessarily something that will land on your baby-most likely it will not. I just don't want you to get pressured into doing something you said you didnt want to do {{{hugs}}} |
Anonymous
| Sending positive, strengthening vibes your way OP. I wish you the best in this very hard, complicated time. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry OP. I think this is a good indication of how not helpful your husband will be- you don't want to sign up for more of this. You can get a friend to go with you. I wish you the very best! |
Anonymous
OP, I am so damn sorry. This sounds awful. If it were me, I'd have an abortion. But it's not me. It's you. And if you don't want to have an abortion, you shouldn't have one. That said, a decision that feels terrible and hurts isn't necessarily the wrong decision. Good luck. |
Anonymous
Clarification: I mean emotionally. Sometimes a decision just blows anyway you slice it. |
Anonymous
Can't do that when you are married unless you are absolutely SURE you are ready for your DH to divorce you. |
Anonymous
| Please call your primary care doctor to ask for a Therapist referral - one who can see you ASAP. Then - call your best friend - as often as necessary until you figure it out. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. |
Anonymous
+100 |