Pregnant at 42.5 and with serious marital issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night he woke my daughter up slamming the door and ranting about how I am a piece of shit bitch crazy because I asked him to close the door after he opened it around midnight. I didnt want get put of bed to close the door he opened. I don't understand. He had anger management session just yesterday evening.

My decision is made. I need to get out of this marriage.

I understand -- he is not on medication or the medication type/dosage is not appropriate. "Anger management" sessions are of very little value if the bipolar person isn't stabilized. While it is rationale to expect that people manage their angry, it is not rationale to expect that an un- or mis-medicated bipolar could do so. It's like wondering why a person with a broken leg can't run a 5K.

Is he seeing a psychiatrist who treats primarily mood disorders patients and are you participating in treatment from time to time to provide accurate feedback on mood states?

If not, then it would be rationale to expect no improvement in his behavior.

Note: I am not suggesting that you should accept his anger, rather that there is a clear reason it is happening and clear steps that need to be taken to work on diminishing the anger. Anger management therapy isn't a step that will help until after your DH is stabilized on meds. If a professional therapist or doctor is suggesting differently, then, frankly, they don't know what the hell they are doing.

BTDT.

I would really encourage you to self-educate on bipolar. "I'm not sick; I don't need help" by Xavier Amador is very good on how to deal with mentally ill persons who have "anosogonia," i.e. they do not understand the depths of their own illness, and how to encourage a mentally ill family member to get treatment.

NAMI offers terrific classes on mental illness, including bipolar. There are 12 week classes that meet once a week, called "Family to Family". There are also support groups for the family members of mentally ill or mood disordered. NAMI offers them, but so does the DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance). NAMI also has many resources for dealing with insurance, doctors, legal issues, etc.

Also, great books on the experiences of the mentally ill are memoirs by Kay Redfield Jamison's (bipolar), Ellen Saks' (schizophrenia), and Andrew Solomon's (depression).

Even if you get out of the marriage, you will be dealing with him as a coparent for a long time.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last night he woke my daughter up slamming the door and ranting about how I am a piece of shit bitch crazy because I asked him to close the door after he opened it around midnight. I didnt want get put of bed to close the door he opened. I don't understand. He had anger management session just yesterday evening.

My decision is made. I need to get out of this marriage.

I understand -- he is not on medication or the medication type/dosage is not appropriate. "Anger management" sessions are of very little value if the bipolar person isn't stabilized. While it is rationale to expect that people manage their angry, it is not rationale to expect that an un- or mis-medicated bipolar could do so. It's like wondering why a person with a broken leg can't run a 5K.

Is he seeing a psychiatrist who treats primarily mood disorders patients and are you participating in treatment from time to time to provide accurate feedback on mood states?

If not, then it would be rationale to expect no improvement in his behavior.

Note: I am not suggesting that you should accept his anger, rather that there is a clear reason it is happening and clear steps that need to be taken to work on diminishing the anger. Anger management therapy isn't a step that will help until after your DH is stabilized on meds. If a professional therapist or doctor is suggesting differently, then, frankly, they don't know what the hell they are doing.

BTDT.

I would really encourage you to self-educate on bipolar. "I'm not sick; I don't need help" by Xavier Amador is very good on how to deal with mentally ill persons who have "anosogonia," i.e. they do not understand the depths of their own illness, and how to encourage a mentally ill family member to get treatment.

NAMI offers terrific classes on mental illness, including bipolar. There are 12 week classes that meet once a week, called "Family to Family". There are also support groups for the family members of mentally ill or mood disordered. NAMI offers them, but so does the DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance). NAMI also has many resources for dealing with insurance, doctors, legal issues, etc.

Also, great books on the experiences of the mentally ill are memoirs by Kay Redfield Jamison's (bipolar), Ellen Saks' (schizophrenia), and Andrew Solomon's (depression).

Even if you get out of the marriage, you will be dealing with him as a coparent for a long time....

This is absolutely the best advice. My husband is bipolar and we have been on the brink a number of times. Looking back, he always had signs of this but it was manageable until we had a child. Maybe that made it worse for OP as well.

That book by Amador made me realize nothing I could say would convince him he needed help. I got individual therapy and those sessions helped me get strong and figure out what my bottom line was to remain married. For me, it was staying compliant with meds, and allowing me regular access and participation with his pdoc and therapist. Sending you much strength and hope, and know you are not alone in your struggles. I understand what you are going through.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband is bipolar as well and our marriage has had it's ups and downs, but I love him regardless. Yes, we have children together. My husband is medicated and does very well medicated. I choose to see it as his handicap but it's one he can control, to some extent.

The statistics for your child being bipolar are actually somewhat low:


Children who have one parent with the disorder have about a 10%-25% chance of developing the disorder themselves; children with two parents with the disorder have a 10%-50% chance.