Pregnant at 42.5 and with serious marital issues
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Anonymous
I think it's absolutely the wrong decision to bring a second child into this situation. You're so concerned about the 5-year-old? Fine. The 5-year-old's parents are on the brink of divorce, the father is abusive (such that their counselor won't see them until he completes anger management therapy) and the mother is pregnant. So that 5-year-old you're so worried about is facing the possibility of two homes, one with abusive bipolar dad and one with mom and brand new baby. A new baby OR a divorce are huge adjustment issues for a kid of any age, but all these things combined? Yeah, it's selfish to bring a second child into this situation. Also, according to the law, killing a 5-year-old child is a crime. Ending a 6 week pregnancy is not. Your opinion is your opinion. A large percentage of the population does not share your opinion and the law is on our side, not yours. OP, for your sake, I hope that things work out in whatever way is best for your family. Is your husband going to anger management therapy already? Does he know you are pregnant? |
Anonymous
I don't understand why genetic testing is being recommended. There is no genetic test available for bipolar. Of course, at age 42.5, OP's physicians will recommend the normal genetic screens for whatever an older parent is at increased risk of. But, no genetic test screens for bipolar or, frankly, any other mood disorder of any kind. |
Anonymous
| So sorry you're going through this, OP. Personally, I would end the pregnancy. I would not want to take on that additional responsibility under those circumstances. My best to you. |
Anonymous
So a good reason to have a child is just because she can? By that reasoning, it's fine for 12 year old to become parents just because they can. |
Anonymous
| OP, I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I agree with the PP who said that this is a very personal decision. Some have also pointed out the risks of birth defects, etc. I think you should also consider your own health and well being. I had my second in my 40s, and was at the prime of health and fitness when I got pregnant. The delivery was so difficult and my body and hormones never reset themselves. It's been years and I am still not back to myself yet. Now, that's not to say that this would happen to you; but, in addition to all of the things the other posters have highlighted about your situation, do consider that you are older now and it could take a lot more out of you think, especially at a time when you will need all of your reserves - both physical and emotional - to get through this difficult time. Good luck to you, whatever you decide. |
Anonymous
Not PP but from the OP's original post: "Our therapist just referred him to anger management counseling due to abuse in our marriage." |
Anonymous
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Whatever you decide about having the baby, OP, set a deadline for your husband to make progress with his issues. I have been in your position, and I decided to have the baby. The one thing I regret is that I didn't make a clear deadline and ultimatum regarding acceptable behavior and progress in therapy at the time, and then just get out early, rather than let things drag on for years of damage.
Get your finances in order, get more of a support network in place, and look into what will happen with custody if/when you split up. You have to consider the effects either way on your child/children, of being left alone in custody of your husband. And whatever you do, because you already have a child, it's in their interest that you work with your husband, whether you intend to split or not, to see that his pdoc has him on the correct meds, and that he does continue to get therapy and anger management training. You're in a tough spot. Wish you well. |
Anonymous
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I am a mom of 2 kids with a bipolar now exDH. I, like you, was faced with a conscious choice during my second pregnancy about whether I should continue the pregnancy or not. It's not an easy choice, and I'm sorry you are going through this.
Does your husband know you are pregnant? If not, I strongly advise that you not share this information with him. If he is bipolar, you must decide about whether to keep this baby or not as if you are going to have to raise it as a single mother. Does your husband have any other specific problems in bipolar? Anger is a significant problem, but many bipolars also have trouble with hypersexuality, substance abuse problems, difficulty holding a stable well paying job, gambling or other financial difficulties, etc. Is he seeing a psychiatrist? Committed to taking medication? Do you participate in the providing feedback to the psychiatrist about treatment? These should also factor into your decision-making. My ex did not get his bipolar diagnosis until about 6 months after I ended our relationship and asked him to move out. Even before the official bipolar diagnosis, there were other diagnoses and a long period of difficulties (that in retrospect stemmed from mania and then depression). I came to the realization that this would never be a stable relationship when I was 5 months pregnant with our 2nd child. I seriously contemplated abortion. It was clear that he would not be able to parent our child and that we would probably split up. There were manic behaviors that I thought put the children at risk when they were in his care, although he was not angry or physically abusive. Between myself and my family or origin, I did not have to worry about really economic difficulties. I thought that it would be difficult to abort at 5 months, frankly, not because of the stage of fetal development (I am pro-choice) but because it was no longer be a private decision. I would have to either lie and say I had a miscarriage, or tell the truth and say I had an abortion and why, or find some middle way and refuse to discuss it. I personally couldn't live a lie like that. But, no one knew except me about the craziness that my DH was engaging in, and I wasn't ready yet to tell the entire world about that, which I felt would have been a part of explaining why the pregnancy was no longer. (In retrospect, the decision about continuing the pregnancy aside, it would have been much better had I been more open with all adult family members on both sides of the family -- his and mine.) I also was concerned that I would have to manage my existing pre-schoolers feelings about the loss of an expected sibling and the real reasons for the break up of our family. Also, frankly, this pregnancy was planned and wanted at the initial stage, so it was hard to contemplate giving that idea up. Had the pregnancy been at an early stage and the knowledge and decision was mine and mine alone, I would have opted for abortion. Had I been in an economically precarious position or had there been anger or abuse, I also wouldn't have continued the pregnancy. If it had been my first pregnancy, I would also have opted for abortion regardless of the stage of development, because I could have cleanly cut my ties with him and bringing a child into that situation was very risky. Today, I have two terrific kids, but I won't kid you that my life (and theirs by extension is difficult). As a PP noted, the law will not provide you with full custody absent existing examples of serious physical or sexual abuse. I am very lucky that I have navigated the situation to have full custody with frequent weekly visitation to him. But that could (and still can) go very wrong at any moment because it is all by mutual consent. ExDH has gone thru various manic ups and downs over the years, and we are lucky that he usually just withdraws from us and never gets so high he is delusional, angry or otherwise a serious problem (he is BP Type 2, I am not sure this would be the case if he were BP Type 1) Our economic situation is much worse than I imagined, and I have required more help than I thought I would from my extended family. In retrospect, I think I seriously under-estimated the impact of his illness on us. But, having kicked him out and retained custody, I have been able to raise them in a mostly calm, healthy environment, and neither child showed signs of early onset BP. However, there have been incidents that are indicators that they are at really elevated risk of a mood disorder in the future. I hope, having raised them in a healthy environment, that they will have the tools to manage this should an MI eventually develop. I am slightly less concerned about this outcome now that Obamacare and the Mental Health Parity Acts have passed because at least they are guaranteed access to healthcare and we won't be left destitute by mental illness treatment. It's a tough choice OP. I'm sorry that you are in this position and wish you the best whatever you choose. |
Anonymous
| OP here. PP thanks so much for sharing your experience and insights. Sorry I cannot elaborate more ATM just know I am super grateful to you and all other responses. |
Anonymous
No, it's actually quite refreshing after reading so many posts saying kill kill kill it. |
Anonymous
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I never would have aborted a few years ago. But when I got pregnant last year with two kids under 6, I did.
And you know what? I haven't regretted it, even though I grew up religious and was sure I'd be tormented by guilt. |
Anonymous
Of course no genetic test will pick up behavioral disorders. The suggestion was to rule out age-related chromosomal abnormalities. I thought that much was obvious. |
Anonymous
This is spot on. To add -- that your therapist is pushing for anger management therapy is actually a red flag that the therapist might not really know how to deal with bipolar. For me, ongoing anger problems are highly suggestive that the patient is not stabilized on the correct mixture of medications. Is your DH taking a proven mood stabilizer like Lithium or Depakote? Has the psychiatrist tried prescribing an add-on medication -- either a second mood stabilizer, or an anti-psychotic like Seroquel, or an anti-anxiety or sleep med? Is your DH on an anti-depressant -- these can really drive a kind of dysphoric mania that often causes anger. Therapy of any kind for you as a couple is useless until he is stabilized on meds. Therapy for him for behavioral issues like anger (or other BP behavior problems like gambling or addiction, etc.) is not very useful absent med stabilization. Therapy for you alone --- very useful, however! Do you have your own therapist who is helping you manage this, both by helping you help yourself, and by advising you about his illness? Even if he is unstable, he should be seeing his own therapist who is educating him about the illness and encouraging him to remain on medication and guiding him through the process of med feedback/changes. Once he seems more stable on meds, then you can start dealing with relationship issues. You should be participating in Pdoc appointments and providing feedback on his mood. Bipolars are notorious for being poor reporters on their own mood and behavior states -- that's why psychiatric best practice guidelines encourage family involvement in treatment. There are ways to do this while complying with HIPPA. |
Anonymous
| OP as a therapist, I know a lot of people with bipolar disorder. Since it manifests itself during the teen years and has a strong genetic component, there is no way I would bring another child into this. You do not know for certain that the child you have now will not become bipolar -- and there is nothing you can do to stop that. Sometimes medication works, but sometimes it does not. My friends with adult bipolar children are some of the most haunted and burdened with the expenses of their kids of anyone I know. You cannot depend upon your DH to be much help as bipolar gets worse with age. So you will be a much older mom with a bipolar DH, and two question marks. I myself would not take that chance. when you see it up close, it is sobering. have you researched this? PPs who are saying -- it will be fine! obviously do not know anything about bipolar illness. |
Anonymous
| I notice that only two PPs have any direct knowledge of bipolar illness and its effect on families. Both are not exactly cheering. |