Am I right to feel offended?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems nutty to me. No one should be depending on flying family in (with small children) to cover childcare needs. There have to be local solutions - college kids who want to earn a little extra money, nannies or housekeepers in the neighborhood who would like to pick up a few hours, nanny agencies (or care.com) that are ways to find short term caregivers, etc...

I don't understand why your brother and SIL would handle things this way, or why it would ever make sense for you with a 4 yr old.

There are plenty of reasons why you might depend on family flying in to cover childcare needs. OP's brother and SIL just don't seem to be handling it well. When our DD was a baby, she was in a nanny share. When she was about 23 months, the other family decided to leave the share, as their child was starting preschool, and we felt our DD would benefit from more interaction with other kids. Our nanny found another job earlier than expected, though, and the daycare we found for DD could only take her after she turned 2. So we were left with a two-week gap in childcare. Yes, we could have advertised and found a local college student or nanny agency. But that seemed like a lot of transition in a short time period. So we asked my sister, who at the time was childless and between jobs but lived on the West Coast, to come and babysit for two weeks. It was much better than hiring a stranger! DD got to bond with a faraway relative, I got to enjoy some time with my sister, and she got to see some of the DC sites with us in evenings and on weekends. We paid her what we would have paid the nanny, plus covered her airfare and food. She seemed very happy with the arrangement (especially because she would not have made any money at home for those two weeks), and 4 years later, DD still sings the songs my sister taught her and remembers which toys they bought together (we gave my sister some money to take DD toy shopping while she was there, since she was going to be spending all day at home and we didn't have that many toys as DD spent most of her day at her nanny share).

OP, in your situation, it sounds like your brother and SIL are being unreasonable. As you discuss this with them, I'd leave out any mention of SIL's family--that's a different topic and will distract them from your reasonable concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Update: I was in correspondence with SIL on smth else and she said, oh, I am so glad you guys are coming over, I wish you could stay longer, etc. I told her: sorry we cannot stay longer this time, but would love to come for longer some time later in the year, etc etc. I added that the trip was not finalized yet as it seems the miles tickets are not working out as they have inconvenient departure times and inconvenient layovers. She did not get back to me yet.

As to flying direct: I don't see flying with layovers as "below me", it's just inconvenient: imagine a 6 am flight which lasts 4 hours, DS just starts dozing off (kind of like an early nap) and it's time to land. And, well, heck, it's just inconvenient. I will be happy to fly in another time and pay for my own - convenient! - tickets.

I don't dislike my SIL, she is always very nice to me, and I really don't care what she spends on and how much, but one of the PPs was right - it just struck me as strange, they just took this vacation with SIL's mom and aunt (aunt is not wealthy so someone was def paying for her). But yes, in the bigger picture, it is totally irrelevant.

Maybe they flew SILs aunt and mom on miles. And you said in an earlier post that it hurt your feelings that they wanted to fly you out on miles - that definitely sounds like it is beneath you.

And based on what you wrote in your first post, they aren't asking you to provide full time childcare. It sounds like they have childcare for the day and they are asking you to watch them after dinner and put them to bed. Posters seem to be thinking you are the childcare for the week but that isn't what I got from your post. From what I read, you have all day free, and are helping out for a couple hours in the evening. Seeing as your son is 4, you would be home all night anyways.

Do you work? Is this a vacation week you are taking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Update: I was in correspondence with SIL on smth else and she said, oh, I am so glad you guys are coming over, I wish you could stay longer, etc. I told her: sorry we cannot stay longer this time, but would love to come for longer some time later in the year, etc etc. I added that the trip was not finalized yet as it seems the miles tickets are not working out as they have inconvenient departure times and inconvenient layovers. She did not get back to me yet.

As to flying direct: I don't see flying with layovers as "below me", it's just inconvenient: imagine a 6 am flight which lasts 4 hours, DS just starts dozing off (kind of like an early nap) and it's time to land. And, well, heck, it's just inconvenient. I will be happy to fly in another time and pay for my own - convenient! - tickets.

I don't dislike my SIL, she is always very nice to me, and I really don't care what she spends on and how much, but one of the PPs was right - it just struck me as strange, they just took this vacation with SIL's mom and aunt (aunt is not wealthy so someone was def paying for her). But yes, in the bigger picture, it is totally irrelevant.

Maybe they flew SILs aunt and mom on miles. And you said in an earlier post that it hurt your feelings that they wanted to fly you out on miles - that definitely sounds like it is beneath you.

And based on what you wrote in your first post, they aren't asking you to provide full time childcare. It sounds like they have childcare for the day and they are asking you to watch them after dinner and put them to bed. Posters seem to be thinking you are the childcare for the week but that isn't what I got from your post. From what I read, you have all day free, and are helping out for a couple hours in the evening. Seeing as your son is 4, you would be home all night anyways.

Do you work? Is this a vacation week you are taking?

Completely irrelevant. They are asking OP to alter her own time and her own space, in order to help them out. OP's time is her own, to do whatever she wants. When you ask others to sacrifice that and help you out, you gotta provide, and at least compensate them for transportation and food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Update: I was in correspondence with SIL on smth else and she said, oh, I am so glad you guys are coming over, I wish you could stay longer, etc. I told her: sorry we cannot stay longer this time, but would love to come for longer some time later in the year, etc etc. I added that the trip was not finalized yet as it seems the miles tickets are not working out as they have inconvenient departure times and inconvenient layovers. She did not get back to me yet.

As to flying direct: I don't see flying with layovers as "below me", it's just inconvenient: imagine a 6 am flight which lasts 4 hours, DS just starts dozing off (kind of like an early nap) and it's time to land. And, well, heck, it's just inconvenient. I will be happy to fly in another time and pay for my own - convenient! - tickets.

I don't dislike my SIL, she is always very nice to me, and I really don't care what she spends on and how much, but one of the PPs was right - it just struck me as strange, they just took this vacation with SIL's mom and aunt (aunt is not wealthy so someone was def paying for her). But yes, in the bigger picture, it is totally irrelevant.

Maybe they flew SILs aunt and mom on miles. And you said in an earlier post that it hurt your feelings that they wanted to fly you out on miles - that definitely sounds like it is beneath you.

And based on what you wrote in your first post, they aren't asking you to provide full time childcare. It sounds like they have childcare for the day and they are asking you to watch them after dinner and put them to bed. Posters seem to be thinking you are the childcare for the week but that isn't what I got from your post. From what I read, you have all day free, and are helping out for a couple hours in the evening. Seeing as your son is 4, you would be home all night anyways.

Do you work? Is this a vacation week you are taking?

Completely irrelevant. They are asking OP to alter her own time and her own space, in order to help them out. OP's time is her own, to do whatever she wants. When you ask others to sacrifice that and help you out, you gotta provide, and at least compensate them for transportation and food.

They are paying her way and haven't said they wouldn't provide food.

Op is 100% in her right to say no, she doesn't want to help out. If you expect full compensation, then it isn't helping out, it is a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Update: I was in correspondence with SIL on smth else and she said, oh, I am so glad you guys are coming over, I wish you could stay longer, etc. I told her: sorry we cannot stay longer this time, but would love to come for longer some time later in the year, etc etc. I added that the trip was not finalized yet as it seems the miles tickets are not working out as they have inconvenient departure times and inconvenient layovers. She did not get back to me yet.

As to flying direct: I don't see flying with layovers as "below me", it's just inconvenient: imagine a 6 am flight which lasts 4 hours, DS just starts dozing off (kind of like an early nap) and it's time to land. And, well, heck, it's just inconvenient. I will be happy to fly in another time and pay for my own - convenient! - tickets.

I don't dislike my SIL, she is always very nice to me, and I really don't care what she spends on and how much, but one of the PPs was right - it just struck me as strange, they just took this vacation with SIL's mom and aunt (aunt is not wealthy so someone was def paying for her). But yes, in the bigger picture, it is totally irrelevant.

Maybe they flew SILs aunt and mom on miles. And you said in an earlier post that it hurt your feelings that they wanted to fly you out on miles - that definitely sounds like it is beneath you.

And based on what you wrote in your first post, they aren't asking you to provide full time childcare. It sounds like they have childcare for the day and they are asking you to watch them after dinner and put them to bed. Posters seem to be thinking you are the childcare for the week but that isn't what I got from your post. From what I read, you have all day free, and are helping out for a couple hours in the evening. Seeing as your son is 4, you would be home all night anyways.

Do you work? Is this a vacation week you are taking?

Completely irrelevant. They are asking OP to alter her own time and her own space, in order to help them out. OP's time is her own, to do whatever she wants. When you ask others to sacrifice that and help you out, you gotta provide, and at least compensate them for transportation and food.

They are paying her way and haven't said they wouldn't provide food.

Op is 100% in her right to say no, she doesn't want to help out. If you expect full compensation, then it isn't helping out, it is a job.

They are paying at their convenience, not at OP's convenience (direct flight). Kind of an important distinction. OP has said they didn't really provide food options in the past. That is not compensation at all - that's basic, common, minimal decency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Update: I was in correspondence with SIL on smth else and she said, oh, I am so glad you guys are coming over, I wish you could stay longer, etc. I told her: sorry we cannot stay longer this time, but would love to come for longer some time later in the year, etc etc. I added that the trip was not finalized yet as it seems the miles tickets are not working out as they have inconvenient departure times and inconvenient layovers. She did not get back to me yet.
As to flying direct: I don't see flying with layovers as "below me", it's just inconvenient: imagine a 6 am flight which lasts 4 hours, DS just starts dozing off (kind of like an early nap) and it's time to land. And, well, heck, it's just inconvenient. I will be happy to fly in another time and pay for my own - convenient! - tickets.

I don't dislike my SIL, she is always very nice to me, and I really don't care what she spends on and how much, but one of the PPs was right - it just struck me as strange, they just took this vacation with SIL's mom and aunt (aunt is not wealthy so someone was def paying for her). But yes, in the bigger picture, it is totally irrelevant.

OP You need to work on keeping this relationship. Sorry but it seems she is being very nice b/c she wants something from you. The inconvenient airline is a real reason -- but it won't seem that way to her (see previous PPs) Come up with another reason -- a conflict and ASAP. You won't change her, but everyone needs to save face here. (I think they are very self centered)

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, but asking OP to do this is is complete BS. I assume OP is a SAHM, otherwise how can she just pick up and leave for that length of time? Isn't the 4 year old in preschool?

So, OP is being asked to be the childcare, the maid, the cook, the entertainer, etc for her nephews. She will have to do laundry, make and clean up meals, clean up the house, do grocery shopping, provide entertainment and supervision for the kids, etc. She will have to pay for her own food, etc while she is there, and I assume if the food runs out for the nephews as well. I hope she is offered a car to drive, and when the tank gets low she has to refill it. This is ridiculous.

I had surgery a few years ago and needed to be on bedrest for a month. My MIL volunteered to help. We paid for her plane tickets and a rental car. We got babysitters to give her breaks. We paid for all the food. I never, in a million years, would take advantage of someone like this and on top of it have the Gaul to paint it as a "vacation" and not just be direct and say "sorry, we are in a bind for work with no one to watch the kids, can you help?"

If the SILs family is so great, why can't they do it? If kids already have a nanny, why can't she do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, but asking OP to do this is is complete BS. I assume OP is a SAHM, otherwise how can she just pick up and leave for that length of time? Isn't the 4 year old in preschool?

So, OP is being asked to be the childcare, the maid, the cook, the entertainer, etc for her nephews. She will have to do laundry, make and clean up meals, clean up the house, do grocery shopping, provide entertainment and supervision for the kids, etc. She will have to pay for her own food, etc while she is there, and I assume if the food runs out for the nephews as well. I hope she is offered a car to drive, and when the tank gets low she has to refill it. This is ridiculous.

I had surgery a few years ago and needed to be on bedrest for a month. My MIL volunteered to help. We paid for her plane tickets and a rental car. We got babysitters to give her breaks. We paid for all the food. I never, in a million years, would take advantage of someone like this and on top of it have the Gaul to paint it as a "vacation" and not just be direct and say "sorry, we are in a bind for work with no one to watch the kids, can you help?"

If the SILs family is so great, why can't they do it? If kids already have a nanny, why can't she do it?

That was my feeling also.

[Anonymous]

Many of the posts in this thread point to why people have so little family support and no one to call in a time of need.

So many here are against even doing a favor to help out your brother. Helping isn't supposed to be about what is in it for me. Looking after a couple kids for a couple hours a day is not the insanely difficult task many are trying to make it out to be. I have helped my sister out a few times with her kids and it really isn't a big deal unless you make it one. Obviously in OPs case it is all a HUGE deal. I don't even get why she is entertaining going. Just say no, I don't want to help out.

Makes me very grateful for my own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, but asking OP to do this is is complete BS. I assume OP is a SAHM, otherwise how can she just pick up and leave for that length of time? Isn't the 4 year old in preschool?

So, OP is being asked to be the childcare, the maid, the cook, the entertainer, etc for her nephews. She will have to do laundry, make and clean up meals, clean up the house, do grocery shopping, provide entertainment and supervision for the kids, etc. She will have to pay for her own food, etc while she is there, and I assume if the food runs out for the nephews as well. I hope she is offered a car to drive, and when the tank gets low she has to refill it. This is ridiculous.
I had surgery a few years ago and needed to be on bedrest for a month. My MIL volunteered to help. We paid for her plane tickets and a rental car. We got babysitters to give her breaks. We paid for all the food. I never, in a million years, would take advantage of someone like this and on top of it have the Gaul to paint it as a "vacation" and not just be direct and say "sorry, we are in a bind for work with no one to watch the kids, can you help?"

If the SILs family is so great, why can't they do it? If kids already have a nanny, why can't she do it?

No, OP won't have to do any of those things. If you had read more carefully, you would have read that the brother/SIL have a nanny that will be there during the day. OP only needs to put the kids to bed. Huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, but asking OP to do this is is complete BS. I assume OP is a SAHM, otherwise how can she just pick up and leave for that length of time? Isn't the 4 year old in preschool?

So, OP is being asked to be the childcare, the maid, the cook, the entertainer, etc for her nephews. She will have to do laundry, make and clean up meals, clean up the house, do grocery shopping, provide entertainment and supervision for the kids, etc. She will have to pay for her own food, etc while she is there, and I assume if the food runs out for the nephews as well. I hope she is offered a car to drive, and when the tank gets low she has to refill it. This is ridiculous.

I had surgery a few years ago and needed to be on bedrest for a month. My MIL volunteered to help. We paid for her plane tickets and a rental car. We got babysitters to give her breaks. We paid for all the food. I never, in a million years, would take advantage of someone like this and on top of it have the Gaul to paint it as a "vacation" and not just be direct and say "sorry, we are in a bind for work with no one to watch the kids, can you help?"

If the SILs family is so great, why can't they do it? If kids already have a nanny, why can't she do it?

Ops post does not make it sound like this is what happened at all. They asked her if she would be willing to come out and look after the kids for a couple hours in the evening while they were away and then on the weekends they could all hang out together, just like if she came to them on vacation. They offered to fly her out. She has done this before - she knew right from the start it was about helping with the kids in the evening. I don't see where they somehow tried to trick her like it was a vacation. it sounds like they were direct. Why would they cover her airfare if she was coming for vacation? That would be odd - obviously she knew they were offering that because they were asking her a favor.

I am sure they will find others to do it. Maybe they thought that Ops and her son would like to get to spend time with their nephews / cousins and get to spend two weekends visiting with brother and sister in law without any expense to her - combine two things in one. Maybe since money was tight for OP they thought she might want to come. Maybe she has offered in the past to help out or after doing this last time, said she would do it again.

I think hearing brother and SILs side of the story would be quite different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of the posts in this thread point to why people have so little family support and no one to call in a time of need.

So many here are against even doing a favor to help out your brother. Helping isn't supposed to be about what is in it for me. Looking after a couple kids for a couple hours a day is not the insanely difficult task many are trying to make it out to be. I have helped my sister out a few times with her kids and it really isn't a big deal unless you make it one. Obviously in OPs case it is all a HUGE deal. I don't even get why she is entertaining going. Just say no, I don't want to help out.

Makes me very grateful for my own family.

Who is saying that? OP was willing to help-- note she is a MOM of a 4 year old, so not like a single, childless sister/aunt coming to help-- but you shouldn't treat family like hired help. I would be really embarrassed if asked a family member to come out to help me for a week and provide free child care, and then asked them to take a 6am flight with a layover (with a KID).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of the posts in this thread point to why people have so little family support and no one to call in a time of need.

So many here are against even doing a favor to help out your brother. Helping isn't supposed to be about what is in it for me. Looking after a couple kids for a couple hours a day is not the insanely difficult task many are trying to make it out to be. I have helped my sister out a few times with her kids and it really isn't a big deal unless you make it one. Obviously in OPs case it is all a HUGE deal. I don't even get why she is entertaining going. Just say no, I don't want to help out.

Makes me very grateful for my own family.

Who is saying that? OP was willing to help-- note she is a MOM of a 4 year old, so not like a single, childless sister/aunt coming to help-- but you shouldn't treat family like hired help. I would be really embarrassed if asked a family member to come out to help me for a week and provide free child care, and then asked them to take a 6am flight with a layover (with a KID).

I think that is where wealth and the rich mindset comes in. I didn't grow up poor so the idea of taking a flight on miles or having a stop over or even taking an early flight isn't embarrassing to me. It isn't beneath me. I am surprised by how many people think it is so offensive and that the only proper way to fly is a direct flight booked at Ops convenience regardless of price.

I can't really imagine complaining about how my brother is such an asshole because OMG he thought I would fly on a flight using miles or he thought I would do a layover. Me a layover - who does he think I am, some common traveler.

I fly on miles with layovers and redeyes sometimes with 2 young kids so the idea doesn't strike me as some absolutely offensive impossible thing that he should be ashamed for even suggesting.

He isn't treating family like hired help, he is treating her like family coming to do him a favor. People don't pay airfare for hired help, they don't include them in weekend plans when they are back and no help is needed.

For all she knows her SIL's family stayed in a hotel booked with miles or flew on flights booked with miles or maybe they had a layover on their vacation. And even if they didn't, life isn't a competition. Brother can spend his money however he wants and Op can say no to any request if the compensation isn't up to her standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my brother and SIL are asking me and my son to come visit them when they are both on business trips. The idea is that cousins who are close in age will play together, we will all hang out together on the two weekends, and during the week I will watch the 3 boys, aged 4-6, from about dinnertime until nanny takes them to school (I will stay with my son).
I have done this before and they paid for 2/3 of our plane tickets. This time I am in a financial bind and asked them to pay 100%. Now they are offering to buy us tickets for miles, which would involve change of flights (otherwise a 6 hr non stop flight).
Honestly, this is very inconvenient with a 4 yo (esp as the departure times are weird, early morning/late evening), plus I feel a bit offended as I know they a) want me there mostly to watch the kids b)just paid for a SIL's relative to go with them on vacation c) SIL is never that way with HER relatives, but my brother is trying to save as much as he can on HIS
Sorry about the somewhat incoherent rant, I am just strangely upset about it all

IMO, there is nothing to feel offended but jealous -yes because he is more generous to his wife side than his own sister. But he is your brother so he feels understandable saving with you than his wife's relative. You are more relax and open with family member, isn't it?
Maybe he is tight on bugged this time and was expected to pay 2/3 like usual. He actually asked you first if you accept his offer so he is consideration and prepared to hear no from you. How often does you do this for him?
I agreed with you that is inconvenience and troublesome to some. If you don't want to do it, say No. Your reason is understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of the posts in this thread point to why people have so little family support and no one to call in a time of need.

So many here are against even doing a favor to help out your brother. Helping isn't supposed to be about what is in it for me. Looking after a couple kids for a couple hours a day is not the insanely difficult task many are trying to make it out to be. I have helped my sister out a few times with her kids and it really isn't a big deal unless you make it one. Obviously in OPs case it is all a HUGE deal. I don't even get why she is entertaining going. Just say no, I don't want to help out.

Makes me very grateful for my own family.

Who is saying that? OP was willing to help-- note she is a MOM of a 4 year old, so not like a single, childless sister/aunt coming to help-- but you shouldn't treat family like hired help. I would be really embarrassed if asked a family member to come out to help me for a week and provide free child care, and then asked them to take a 6am flight with a layover (with a KID).

I think that is where wealth and the rich mindset comes in. I didn't grow up poor so the idea of taking a flight on miles or having a stop over or even taking an early flight isn't embarrassing to me. It isn't beneath me. I am surprised by how many people think it is so offensive and that the only proper way to fly is a direct flight booked at Ops convenience regardless of price.

I can't really imagine complaining about how my brother is such an asshole because OMG he thought I would fly on a flight using miles or he thought I would do a layover. Me a layover - who does he think I am, some common traveler.

I fly on miles with layovers and redeyes sometimes with 2 young kids so the idea doesn't strike me as some absolutely offensive impossible thing that he should be ashamed for even suggesting.

He isn't treating family like hired help, he is treating her like family coming to do him a favor. People don't pay airfare for hired help, they don't include them in weekend plans when they are back and no help is needed.

For all she knows her SIL's family stayed in a hotel booked with miles or flew on flights booked with miles or maybe they had a layover on their vacation. And even if they didn't, life isn't a competition. Brother can spend his money however he wants and Op can say no to any request if the compensation isn't up to her standards.

All fair points. A lot of this is perspective and family history. For us, we are well-off enough that it would be embarrassing to me. It would make me look cheap and unappreciative. I can see how it would not be a big deal in a different family.

Much of this depends on the dynamic between OP and brother.