Am I right to feel offended?

[Anonymous]

I understand taking offense, OP. You were trying to work out something mutually agreeable and they treated your comfort and convenience as complete non-factors. But it sounds like you are handling it exactly right in any event.

[Anonymous]

I think you're unnecessarily hung up on what they're doing with her side of the family. Maybe her relatives can't be trusted to babysit. Maybe her relatives are broke. Maybe her relatives are just more fun to hang out with.

As most posters have said -- figure out what you're willing to do and then say yes or no; don't try to read some kind of emotional message into the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're unnecessarily hung up on what they're doing with her side of the family. Maybe her relatives can't be trusted to babysit. Maybe her relatives are broke. Maybe her relatives are just more fun to hang out with.

As most posters have said -- figure out what you're willing to do and then say yes or no; don't try to read some kind of emotional message into the situation.

Thank you, I am surprised myself how hung up I have suddenly become in this situation!
It has to do with family dynamic which was there for quite some time.
I think you are right, I should treat this as business. But even with that, I just hate it when people start haggling. I am free not to deal with hagglers, except when they are my relatives. I think he puts me in an uncomfortable situation as if I am seeking that free tickets opportunity, whereas in reality I would love to fly to see them at Christmas, for example, but they choose to go and see SIL's family!
so it looks like I am just good as a babysitter. Ok, fine, but then don't haggle.

PS they are not paying for food. They have some in the fridge of course, but I go out and grocery shop whenever something is needed, so I would say it's 50/50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you sound really entitled and whiny. I think you've lost some perspective.

You are completely out of your mind.

OP, if you're going to be doing your brother and SIL a MAJOR favor, the least they can do is fully pay for your travel expenses, including a convenient ticket. To me, this is just the baseline decent thing to do. I'd also fully stock the fridge and bring you guys back a gift.

I have family members that are users. I provided regular babysitting for them (1-2x a week, for months). They never *once* so much as left $15 to order takeout, or had a stocked fridge (eating *their* takeout leftovers doesn't count). Which would be fine if they were reciprocal to even a slight degree, but sometimes you have to put your foot down. And just say no.

You can ask to be treated better. Doesn't mean you're going to get it, but you can always say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's brother is asking her to fly out to watch his kids. Of course he should pay for a convenient (direct) flight! Obnoxious that they would even ask her to consider an awards flight with multiple legs.

I agree. If you're asking someone for a favor, you should make things as convenient for that person as possible.

Sounds like you handled it well, OP. And continue to not bring up anything with your brother regarding your SIL's family. It will detract from the primary issue.

[Anonymous]

It is pretty much impossible to get a direct flight from DC to LA and back. One of the legs of the trip ends up having a layover. Any chance you're in this situation OP? I wouldn't take offense given the reality of flight paths.

[Anonymous]

Wow, your brother and SIL are pieces of work. Not only did you have to haggle to get them to pay for a flight to WATCH THEIR KIDS, but they aren't even paying you for food for the week?!?!!? That's completely nuts.

[Anonymous]

The market rate for a week of overnight care is what, at least $1000? Even minimum wage (7.25) from 6 pm - 6 am x 12 hrs/day = $87/day. And the peace of mind that it is you staying with their kids has to be worth something. Wonder what a professional nanny would charge?

Maybe they should use miles to fly their kids to stay at your house for the duration of their business trips. Suggest it to the SIL. See how fast she opts for a direct flight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, your brother and SIL are pieces of work. Not only did you have to haggle to get them to pay for a flight to WATCH THEIR KIDS, but they aren't even paying you for food for the week?!?!!? That's completely nuts.

I have to say, I agree with this. First they set aside your comfort and convenience as if they were of no importance whatsoever, then you have to pay for your food yourself?! What you wrote about their decisions to spend holidays with other members of the family is also telling. Says a lot about how much they value you (other than as a convenient babysitter). OP, if I were you, I wouldn't go unless your brother paid for direct flight tickets and provided at least money for meals. That's basic courtesy for someone who's providing them with such generous help.

Seriously, they're ridiculous. You have every right to be upset. I think you're way under-reacting.

[Anonymous]

Not OP....I had my brother ask me to come with him on an overseas trip to Spain and do the babysitting thing too.
He was going there with his wife and his SIL's but wanted babysitting on tap since no one else was bringing their kids.
I knew I would end up feeling like the maid and not having any nights out, so I declined.

OP - you have the right to request the direct flight and feel offended.
If he can't pony up the extra cash, oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The market rate for a week of overnight care is what, at least $1000? Even minimum wage (7.25) from 6 pm - 6 am x 12 hrs/day = $87/day. And the peace of mind that it is you staying with their kids has to be worth something. Wonder what a professional nanny would charge?

Maybe they should use miles to fly their kids to stay at your house for the duration of their business trips. Suggest it to the SIL. See how fast she opts for a direct flight.

Ha, that's a great idea, I will offer them to do this
There are plenty of direct flights which are even not more expensive, they are just not available for miles.

ALL: I don't really expect them to pay for food, I also bring gifts for my nephews. I am totally OK with that. And yes, there is not much to do at night, I did this before, but my kid got sick and threw up at night, once, and then one of theirs had a nightmare and I came in to comfort and stayed until he went back to bed. And what if one of them needs to go to the ER, god forbid? I would have to drag the rest of them along I guess!

Whatever. I am just upset that I have to go thru this with my brother. We have a great relationship. I let it slip when I sent him like $500 for the birth of their first child, and he offered me to choose something off Amazon "in $50 range". I didn't listen to my parents when they complained how much money goes to SIL's family as compared to them. Now I guess is the wakeup call. I am just sad.

Thank you guys for letting me vent. My brother is now thinking how to work around it, and I just don't want to go anywhere anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP here: again, it might be that I am flying with my son. He is 4. If I were alone I would fly with stopovers, no problem. But then of course my ticket would be two times less expensive if I was coming alone.
But then, they don't have any childless relatives available to babysit (or they are very far away so it's probably more expensive to pay for one ticket).

[Anonymous]

OP - I totally get you for deciding its not going to work for you. It is a sad wakeup call to the reality of your relationship. But I will bet you anything your brother will come up at the last minute with a direct flight and beg you to come, since he will be stuck with a nanny who charges by the hour!

Then what will you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I totally get you for deciding its not going to work for you. It is a sad wakeup call to the reality of your relationship. But I will bet you anything your brother will come up at the last minute with a direct flight and beg you to come, since he will be stuck with a nanny who charges by the hour!

Then what will you do?

Oh, I won't hold it agains him, I will go rescue them
I also have a feeling that they will also ask me to take the kids to their schools every morning (with another 4 yo in tow).
I will just make sure I know what I want and speak up for myself in every situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty much impossible to get a direct flight from DC to LA and back. One of the legs of the trip ends up having a layover. Any chance you're in this situation OP? I wouldn't take offense given the reality of flight paths.

Umm, this must depend on airline. There are tons of direct flights between these two major cities, especially since IAD and LAX are both United hubs. There are at least 4-5 a day for them alone. And 2 to BWI. Unless this changed in the past year, I lived in LA and had family here so I had lots of experience with this.

To me, OP, I think you are reasonable to ask that they help you with a direct flight. I would explain to them why you need this, say you don't think you can make it work without that part and let them decide. They need you and not vice versa, so don't feel bad for advocating for what you really need. A direct flight is a reasonable request -- it's not some Hollywood movie start request for only green m&ms in your dressing room bowl..