Am I right to feel offended?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my brother has not come back to me with a solution yet. I don't know if it's because I was too direct with him (I told him I felt hurt when he suggested we fly for miles, etc), or he is just considering it moneywise.
Something does not add up here. His wife is very generous with her relatives. She is a high earner, too. Maybe they have somewhat separate budgets, or maybe she overspends and he is left to pick up the slack? Or is he just penny pinching by nature and it's that simple?

I won't feel used if they pay for direct airfare.

Seems like your issue is with his wife and how she spends on her family. Everything else is just an excuse to vent about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my brother has not come back to me with a solution yet. I don't know if it's because I was too direct with him (I told him I felt hurt when he suggested we fly for miles, etc), or he is just considering it moneywise.
Something does not add up here. His wife is very generous with her relatives. She is a high earner, too. Maybe they have somewhat separate budgets, or maybe she overspends and he is left to pick up the slack? Or is he just penny pinching by nature and it's that simple?

I won't feel used if they pay for direct airfare.

Seems like your issue is with his wife and how she spends on her family. Everything else is just an excuse to vent about her.

I think this is stretching it. OP is right to complain/vent about SIL, if it pertains to her habits/behavior and expectations of OP helping her out. It wouldn't be a complaint that's out of nowhere, but directly related to the issues at hand.

[Anonymous]

Why can't a 4-year-old change planes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my brother has not come back to me with a solution yet. I don't know if it's because I was too direct with him (I told him I felt hurt when he suggested we fly for miles, etc), or he is just considering it moneywise.
Something does not add up here. His wife is very generous with her relatives. She is a high earner, too. Maybe they have somewhat separate budgets, or maybe she overspends and he is left to pick up the slack? Or is he just penny pinching by nature and it's that simple?

I won't feel used if they pay for direct airfare.

Seems like your issue is with his wife and how she spends on her family. Everything else is just an excuse to vent about her.

I think this is stretching it. OP is right to complain/vent about SIL, if it pertains to her habits/behavior and expectations of OP helping her out. It wouldn't be a complaint that's out of nowhere, but directly related to the issues at hand.

Except OP hasn't said anything at all about what her SIL's expectations of OP are. OP has been communicating with her brother, not her SIL. OP doesn't know anything about how her brother and his wife handle their finances. It's not her business if SIL's relative accompanied them on vacation or how it was paid. Perhaps OP's brother a spendthrift and his wife saves her money to do things with her family that OP's brother cannot. OP and her family need to stop obsessing about the SIL and her family.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the wife's family is simply much nicer, less demanding and more helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's brother is asking her to fly out to watch his kids. Of course he should pay for a convenient (direct) flight! Obnoxious that they would even ask her to consider an awards flight with multiple legs.

I agree. Especially if they're spending money for SILs family to vacation with them. OP, which member of SILs family? A mother, a sibling, what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't a 4-year-old change planes?

B/c layovers can be long. I just had a five hr layover going from the west coast to the Midwest. Not fun for an adult but a nightmare if you are flying with young children.

You obviously never flew with kids.

[Anonymous]

I've had my MIL fly in to watch the kids when I am away (with part time nanny and DH in the evening) and we pay for her ticket and express gratitude. You are going your brother a favor and I don't think it's fair for them to act like it's a pure vacation for you. I can't buy the peace of mind knowing that a family member is watching my kids while I am away and if your brother wants that peace of mind, he should make it appealing for you to provide it. If I were you, I'd say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the wife's family is simply much nicer, less demanding and more helpful.

What? How much nicer, less demanding, and more helpful can you get, than flying across the country to provide FREE childcare to your sibling? You have to be a troll. Or a pretty terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should be offended, nor do I think your brother is using you. Some families do actually care about each other and help each other out without charging by the hour.

He saw a need - that they were away on business and asked you to do him a favor and put his two kids to bed each night - basically a couple hours of your time. The pluses would be a paid for airfare, your son would be able to spend time with his cousins and you would get two weekends to all visit together without having to pay airfare to get there.

By using miles, this makes it financially doable for him. He could get a local babysitter cheaper than two airfares if he has to pay full price. First he thought maybe he would see if you could combine helping him out and a visit if he made it free for you.

If you don't want to do it, just say so. But I hope you don't ever ask him to do anything for you. If you are going to see helping a sib as a business transaction and expect him to fork out all kinds of extra money because you only fly direct or you only fly first class or whatever your demands of the moment are, then don't expect him to be there for you in a time of need.

This is so opposite of how my family works. We would gladly help each other out.

Except that he is not offering that to her...

What part of that isn't he offering her?

Not offering to return the favor. And being unreasonable about the airfare. Not really taking her needs into consideration. Not wanting to spend other holiday times with her. he can use miles on his next vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my brother has not come back to me with a solution yet. I don't know if it's because I was too direct with him (I told him I felt hurt when he suggested we fly for miles, etc), or he is just considering it moneywise.
Something does not add up here. His wife is very generous with her relatives. She is a high earner, too. Maybe they have somewhat separate budgets, or maybe she overspends and he is left to pick up the slack? Or is he just penny pinching by nature and it's that simple?
I won't feel used if they pay for direct airfare.

OP I understand your reference to his spending habits as you question the logic. PPs are saying you don't like SIL ect ect. But really you are just thinking it out. BUT you don't have the right to get into how they spend their money, just how it affects you and your DS. (This is why I don't think the whole plan is a good one -- it puts you in an inconvenient position and makes you a part of their "finances" ; ie they are asking a big favor of you and then crying poverty -- bound to lead to bad feelings) Don't wait to hear what your brothers proposes, just say it is not working out.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the best way to keep family relationships healthy is to not put yourself in a position that you will later regret or feel resentful about -- it is part of managing expectations.

[Anonymous]

Just don't go. Say no.

Maybe it is because I am not wealthy but I don't get the outrage and offense and hurt feelings over flying on miles or not flying direct. My kids have never really flown direct as those flights often cost more and we often fly on miles. I didn't even realize so many people saw that as below them and something to be offended by.

What they do with the SIL is completely irrelevant and none of our business.

This sounds like it will be a nightmare - you are offended and resentful and feel like it is all unfair. I don't get exactly why you feel that way but if that was how I felt in another circumstance, I wouldn't go.

I am sure they can hire a local sitter or find someone in SILs family who is willing to help them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty much impossible to get a direct flight from DC to LA and back. One of the legs of the trip ends up having a layover. Any chance you're in this situation OP? I wouldn't take offense given the reality of flight paths.

This is SO not true. So many direct flights btwn LA and DC.
If I were alone I might suck up the layover but not with a 4 year old cross country when I am doing them a favor.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Update: I was in correspondence with SIL on smth else and she said, oh, I am so glad you guys are coming over, I wish you could stay longer, etc. I told her: sorry we cannot stay longer this time, but would love to come for longer some time later in the year, etc etc. I added that the trip was not finalized yet as it seems the miles tickets are not working out as they have inconvenient departure times and inconvenient layovers. She did not get back to me yet.

As to flying direct: I don't see flying with layovers as "below me", it's just inconvenient: imagine a 6 am flight which lasts 4 hours, DS just starts dozing off (kind of like an early nap) and it's time to land. And, well, heck, it's just inconvenient. I will be happy to fly in another time and pay for my own - convenient! - tickets.

I don't dislike my SIL, she is always very nice to me, and I really don't care what she spends on and how much, but one of the PPs was right - it just struck me as strange, they just took this vacation with SIL's mom and aunt (aunt is not wealthy so someone was def paying for her). But yes, in the bigger picture, it is totally irrelevant.