Am I right to feel offended?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you really miss a whole week of school? Preschool is not a big deal but college courses are a whole different story. Sounds like a bad idea.

+1 last time I looked, preschool was expensive and I did not want to miss weeks at a time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I had a chance to talk to my brother at more length. Seems like they do have separate accounts - he pays for childcare and she pays the rent. Apparently she usually pays for her family's tickets, but for this last vacation I know he pitched in really well. I asked him if it felt like he was always short of money- he said no, not really.
I told him again I was sorry I couldn't pay for the tickets or agree to use miles for these particular dates; I told him we would be happy to fly in for Christmas (surprisingly the tickets are not much more expensive if we flew on the 24th).
I get a feeling that he just doesn't want to spend that money, up to the point of missing that conference.
It does hurt a little as I thought that the prospect of seeing family would sweeten the deal for him, but it's ok. He says he still wants me to come and he wants to pay for tickets, but I don't know yet. It's just all getting a bit ugly.

[Anonymous]

I think you're right to stand up for yourself OP.

Is your brother's work paying for his conference expenses? It's sort of a weird logic to expect your work to pay for YOUR travel expenses, but not do the same when people are coming to work for you. And I understand that family helping each other isn't "a job," but the help shouldn't come at a burden (financial or otherwise) to the person giving help.

Is the conference not a work necessity, and he's paying for travel expenses himself? Then he shouldn't go, if he can't afford childcare (which includes airfare for you and DC).

Family is great, and it's nice to have them to rely on, but you can't take advantage of them. Just because relatives can help you, it doesn't mean you're off the hook for being decent and considerate. I've had to outline this for some of my family members. In general, people get defensive when you call them out bad behavior. We like to think that family has the best intentions, but sometimes they don't. Boundaries are important, otherwise people will continue to overstep them and ask more from you - always at your expense (and not theirs).

Good luck. Stick up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP Better let this go. It sounds like you really want to visit your brother, but he really wants you to just be a babysitter. That is bound to hurt your feelings. Just say no -- I think there is more going on here and you would best be out of the conflict between him and SIL -- whatever it is. It just sounds too much like "sis will do it!" never mind that she is in school and paying for expensive childcare herself.

[Anonymous]

be nice, decline

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am more and more inclined to decline (pun?), but strangely bro is pretty set on us coming.
Yes his work is paying his expenses. He casually mentioned it felt weird to go to a free event if he ended up paying for airfare for someone to watch the kids.
Right now it's getting even weirder- they don't know if they'll have a nanny lined up by then (since the current one is leaving them), so he may end up staying despite me coming (as I think he realizes it's too much to ask of me to drag two kids along to activities of the third). Which would put me in a weird position, do I reimburse him the airfare? But I can't really afford it, nor would I really want to, as the timing is not great.
Yeah, I think I will need to decline politely altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am more and more inclined to decline (pun?), but strangely bro is pretty set on us coming.
Yes his work is paying his expenses. He casually mentioned it felt weird to go to a free event if he ended up paying for airfare for someone to watch the kids.
Right now it's getting even weirder- they don't know if they'll have a nanny lined up by then (since the current one is leaving them), so he may end up staying despite me coming (as I think he realizes it's too much to ask of me to drag two kids along to activities of the third). Which would put me in a weird position, do I reimburse him the airfare? But I can't really afford it, nor would I really want to, as the timing is not great.
Yeah, I think I will need to decline politely altogether.

Could it be that your brother is having marriage problems and needs your support somehow? Geez, it sounds like your SIL has the upper hand in their relationship. He seems to be stuck. He needs to tell your SIL that she can not go on her trip that week. Maybe he suspects she is cheating on him and he needs you to come over so he can spy on her Something is not right there, and he seems to need you. Perhaps take a pass on this one and see what happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am more and more inclined to decline (pun?), but strangely bro is pretty set on us coming.
Yes his work is paying his expenses. He casually mentioned it felt weird to go to a free event if he ended up paying for airfare for someone to watch the kids.
Right now it's getting even weirder- they don't know if they'll have a nanny lined up by then (since the current one is leaving them), so he may end up staying despite me coming (as I think he realizes it's too much to ask of me to drag two kids along to activities of the third). Which would put me in a weird position, do I reimburse him the airfare? But I can't really afford it, nor would I really want to, as the timing is not great.
Yeah, I think I will need to decline politely altogether.

This is too strange, OP. Best to decline. Too much you don't know.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I bought the tickets, he reimbursed me. I think my bro was just being penny pinching but he came around more or less. I don't think there's any detective story going on.