I'm thirty and worried about my future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dating someone, also thirty, and have been since we were twenty-two. About seven years and a little more. He has ADHD and depression and has struggled with it his whole life. It has been a problem and it's still undertreated. I've had depression in the past, but personally am doing a lot better. Because of the length of time we've been together, I've been putting the pressure on with regard to marriage and children, and he has taken my communication as an unwarranted ultimatum. He says he doesn't have his life together enough to get married and doesn't know when he will, but he wants to be with me and knows he'll never find anyone better. He had a salary and benefits, though he makes much less than I do, which I dont care about. He has some self-regulation problems and has at times drank and smoked too much, but has gotten much better as we've grown up. Do I break up with him and start looking for a marriage minded guy? Do I stay with the person I love and want to marry but risk that he won't actually ever be ready, and even if he does, I will struggle along with his ADHD issues for life? I'm admittedly a little scared to date because I feel like I don't connect on a romantic level with many men in general. I have a law degree, a good job, and am objectively an attractive girl who looks a lot younger than my age. I have been told that when I'm all done up I am "tv hot." What are people's thoughts on this? I feel like sometimes you get more honest responses from strangers than friends.

Unwarranted? The ultimatim is, like, 3 years late already.

Also - do not assume that, because you look younger, you somehow have more time. It is your actual age that is critical for your planning, not the age you currently appear to look.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is the "best guy ever" because you've been out of the dating pool for so long.

I dated a guy like this for 5 years in my 20s. Ungodly gorgeous, brilliant, fascinating, and also totally immature and not ready for commitment. I moved on. I thought there was no one else like him but just 6 months later I met someone totally different,but better. Amazing, ready for commitment, even smarter, cute, loves all the things I love and treats me like a princess.

You deserve a life with a partner, not a whiner. Keep this guy as your friend -- it sounds like you get along. Find the partner for you. You'll never do it unless you break up with this guy and get out there.

[Anonymous]

OP writing. To answer some of the questions, I totally agree that his feeling it wasn't warranted for me to set an ultimatum is ridiculous. His basic (stubborn and wrong) attitude was, no one does that and your doing that was weird. My response to that is that he put me in that position, so get bent (basically). Everyone else tells him to stop being an idiot and marry me including his best friend since childhood, who I am also close with, and he acknowledges it has taken too long BUT still is afraid of commitment. He has asked me to go with him to his therapist and I'm considering it but overwhelmingly my feeling is just, UGH! Because I've tried and given my all for so long.

We first met when we were in college, were briefly (four months, not seriously) involved, broke things off when he transferred schools. He and I both had other long term relationships. When those were over and we were in the same place again, he pursued me and I dated other guys at the same time. But we fell madly in love, and here I am seven years later. Major ups and downs, but as people have pointed out, we are both still in love. I just think I may have outgrown the relationship now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP writing. To answer some of the questions, I totally agree that his feeling it wasn't warranted for me to set an ultimatum is ridiculous. His basic (stubborn and wrong) attitude was, no one does that and your doing that was weird. My response to that is that he put me in that position, so get bent (basically). Everyone else tells him to stop being an idiot and marry me including his best friend since childhood, who I am also close with, and he acknowledges it has taken too long BUT still is afraid of commitment. He has asked me to go with him to his therapist and I'm considering it but overwhelmingly my feeling is just, UGH! Because I've tried and given my all for so long.

We first met when we were in college, were briefly (four months, not seriously) involved, broke things off when he transferred schools. He and I both had other long term relationships. When those were over and we were in the same place again, he pursued me and I dated other guys at the same time. But we fell madly in love, and here I am seven years later. Major ups and downs, but as people have pointed out, we are both still in love. I just think I may have outgrown the relationship now.

and that is perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

Get out!

My DH has ADHD and some depression issues. It is very hard. We have two beautiful kids and I love DH, but if I had known his issues, I would not have started a life with him. It got worse over time as we got real jobs, kids, responsibilities, etc. I feel sometimes I am more of a mother to DH than a partner. Trust me, you do not want to feel like that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the "best guy ever" because you've been out of the dating pool for so long.

I dated a guy like this for 5 years in my 20s. Ungodly gorgeous, brilliant, fascinating, and also totally immature and not ready for commitment. I moved on. I thought there was no one else like him but just 6 months later I met someone totally different,but better. Amazing, ready for commitment, even smarter, cute, loves all the things I love and treats me like a princess.

You deserve a life with a partner, not a whiner. Keep this guy as your friend -- it sounds like you get along. Find the partner for you. You'll never do it unless you break up with this guy and get out there.

This. There's a big difference between a guy who's great and a guy who's great for you, not to sound all self-helpy about it. But - if you are at the stage in life where you want to settle down, make a future - you really need someone who is going to be your partner, not just who's going to be entertaining and hot. And guys like that are out there. They may not be the flashiest, they may not be out at the bars you're hanging around in a lot, but they are out there.

On the other hand, if you're really looking for good sex and some drama to keep things interesting, then keep the hot guy.

I tell you this as someone who had a lot of tumultuous relationships up through my mid-30s, then settled down with a guy I'd have rejected outright when I was younger. I'm not sorry I had my fun. I sometimes miss my fun. I am grateful every singly day I didn't marry one of those other guys.

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a law degree, and if you've practiced law, that tells me you know how to ask questions. Ask him specific questions, get the answers you need out of him. Does HE think he's stringing you along. Does he WANT to get married? If so, does he want to marry YOU? If he's not ready, what would make him ready? Does he want to take a break from the relationship (maybe that's what you need)?

I disagree with this. OP already pays too much attention to her boyfriend's rationalizations and explanations. There is no reason really to allow him to bullshit more, it will just muddle the picture. He needs to set the date now, not explain why he can't set a date or what conditions need to be met etc etc. He is old enough, knows OP well enough and must be able to make a decision now.

OP, it looks like you were friends for some time before you started dating. How did that happen?

The reason I said she should ask specific questions is that some men are only going to provide info specifically asked for. There's a big difference between "i'm not ready to get married" and "I'm not ready to marry you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just think I may have outgrown the relationship now.

and that is perfectly fine.

from a guy: +1000

Also: you don't want to marry someone who is so excited about marrying you they'll only agree to it after you put a gun to their head (give an ultimatum). Anyone who doesn't talk openly and freely with some ethusiasm about marrying you is someone you should cross off the list. NB: marrying != wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a law degree, and if you've practiced law, that tells me you know how to ask questions. Ask him specific questions, get the answers you need out of him. Does HE think he's stringing you along. Does he WANT to get married? If so, does he want to marry YOU? If he's not ready, what would make him ready? Does he want to take a break from the relationship (maybe that's what you need)?

I disagree with this. OP already pays too much attention to her boyfriend's rationalizations and explanations. There is no reason really to allow him to bullshit more, it will just muddle the picture. He needs to set the date now, not explain why he can't set a date or what conditions need to be met etc etc. He is old enough, knows OP well enough and must be able to make a decision now.

OP, it looks like you were friends for some time before you started dating. How did that happen?

The reason I said she should ask specific questions is that some men are only going to provide info specifically asked for. There's a big difference between "i'm not ready to get married" and "I'm not ready to marry you."

This assumes men know why they are doing things and are willing to share. OP bf is never going to say he is not ready to marry her. He probably believes his own BS, which is pricesly why further discussions and interrogations are pointless. Its time to put up or shut up.

[Anonymous]

OP, I found myself in a very similar situation, only I didn't get out until I was almost 35. Adult ADHD can be crippling for relationships. In my case, my boyfriend didn't have substance abuse problems, but had problems with authority, difficulties at work that eventually got him fired, a troubled relationship history including a very ugly divorce, and a porn addiction. He was also the smartest, funniest man I ever knew, and we had a magical, maddening relationship that lasted 6 years.

We tried couples therapy, where he began exploring some of his issues and getting treated for the ADHD. We never seemed to get any closer to working out our problems, however, and I eventually broke it off, much to his relief.

When I met the man who I wound up marrying, I knew within the first few dates that he wanted a serious relationship leading to marriage and children. We were married two years later and have a wonderful child. I sometimes try to picture my ex doing the late night feedings with a baby or suffering through a preschool birthday party and know that he never, ever would have wanted this life.

Good luck. It's tough, but it sounds like you're almost there.

[Anonymous]

OP to 13:26: It's definitely not just me, and a matter of him not having effectively coped with all his issues. He has swept a lot under the rug and and it's all coming to a head now.

I do need a partner and not a whiner. I have already felt like a parental figure at times and have broken that habit, which shook things up but it has been a needed change. I have gotten mentally healthier and because of that, I could see what was truly lacking.

I am a loyal person and a monogamous one by nature. I had my share of fun innocent flings in college and my early 20s. it was great but I'm not looking for that anymore. I have had enough drama to last several lifetimes. I have since decided I want a partner who is a bit like me: sexy and interesting and passionate, but will not drag me into his unresolved issues. Looking back, it had been a pattern for me although some guys I cared for were more overtly malicious than others, they were all still emotionally stunted in some way. This was a recent revelation, and moving forward I'll be better off for recognizing this.

[Anonymous]

Regarding having children with him, I'd be very careful with the ADHD and depression issues. Unless he's very self-aware and gets professional help, things will be very hard for you with a kid or two on top of it if you marry and have kids with him. My baby is only a few months old, very healthy and sleeping well finally, but if DH were dealing with psychological problems throughout my pregnancy and first months as parents, forget it. You need someone who is on the ball, ready and willing to help. Your boyfriend may be a great guy but inadequate with a family if he has mental problems. The last thing you want is to be sitting up feeding/changing/rocking to bed a six week old while your husband lays in bed too depressed to help you out or is too scatter-brained from ADHD to pick up a few baby items on his way home on a cold snowy night? My bet would be that it would get very exhausting and very tiresome for you. If you've dealt with depression before, such a situation with a baby involved would probably leave you even more depressed. I know it would depress me.

[Anonymous]

Dump him. No contact for a year or more. Be friends after you meet and marry another amazing guy. That's what I did with the guy I thought was my soulmate in my twenties. Five years of dating....it can seem impossible to live without them but you can and will in fact be happier. I know it's hard to believe it now but it's true. If you want marriage, kids, etc find someone solid who is excited about that and excited about you. The guy you have now....you can love someone but if your visions of life don't match you will never be happy.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the whole thread, but here goes:

When my best friend was in marital counselling (they eventually divorced) their therapist told them that one of the least advertised statistical indicators for divorce in a couple is when it takes them longer than 4 years to go from starting dating to marriage. Unless there are extenuating factors (couple start dating as kids in high school, long-distance, grave illness, etc.) couples who take longer than 4 years to marry are much more likely (I don't recall the specific percentage) than those who don't.

The reason: simply put, if two grown adults in love cannot decide whether they want to marry each other, and commit to doing so, within 4 years, one or both of them is unsure about the decision.

I've never been married, but this always stuck with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the whole thread, but here goes:

When my best friend was in marital counselling (they eventually divorced) their therapist told them that one of the least advertised statistical indicators for divorce in a couple is when it takes them longer than 4 years to go from starting dating to marriage. Unless there are extenuating factors (couple start dating as kids in high school, long-distance, grave illness, etc.) couples who take longer than 4 years to marry are much more likely (I don't recall the specific percentage) than those who don't.

The reason: simply put, if two grown adults in love cannot decide whether they want to marry each other, and commit to doing so, within 4 years, one or both of them is unsure about the decision.

I've never been married, but this always stuck with me.

I believe this. I was in three long term relationships. Broke up after two, two, and four years respectively. They just never wanted to marry. I figured if they didn't know me well enough in two plus years of dating, they never were. The four-year long guy immediately asked me to marry him when I broke up with him. But who wants to get married under those circumstances?

I met a man later, and we both knew we wanted to marry within a month. (We waited 14 months to do so though, so not crazy). We've been married 10 years now.

OP stick to your guns. It might sound 1950s old fashioned, but I always knew my vision of life partner and father to my kids would also be my legal spouse. I didn't want a long term boyfriend. I'd rather be single if I couldn't be married. And I'd seen a lot of 7 year+ relationships among my friends, going nowhere fast. Not for me. I knew myself well enough to know marriage was the type of commitment I wanted. And I am very happy now being married. (Also one huge reason I'm pro marriage equality. I really believe in marriage, period).

Good luck. Sometimes the hardest choices are the best ones.