I'm thirty and worried about my future.

[Anonymous]

My mother, bless her, told me early on in dating that you can love someone but not be able to live with them/marry. I'm so happy that she did because I went into dating knowing those are two distinct things. I didn't sit around saying but I luuuuuv him, even though we fill in the blank (argue all the time, he puts me down, I have to support him, he doesn't want get married, he cheats etc.). As a previous poster said love is not always enough.

I think you (OP) know you need to break up. It's funny when I read about people that on paper may not match, they talk about valuing the same things etc despite seeming so different. The fact your boyfriend doesn't appear to be trying to improve things for himself while you went thru a year of therapy to try to work out your stuff, he doesn't feel he is ready for marriage and kids nor does he seem like he is doing anything so he might be ready in the near future while you really want to have a family some day.... There are probably other things where you value different things but I just have you two huge ones.

So if you stay with this guy, are you hoping he will change and suddenly start valuing the same things as you? Or are you hoping he is so afraid of losing you that he proposes ...and then every thing that comes after like having kids, finances, dealing with any job situations like job loss, sick parents etc will be major struggles because you fundamentally don't have the same beliefs on how things should be handled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dump him. No contact for a year or more. Be friends after you meet and marry another amazing guy. That's what I did with the guy I thought was my soulmate in my twenties. Five years of dating....it can seem impossible to live without them but you can and will in fact be happier. I know it's hard to believe it now but it's true. If you want marriage, kids, etc find someone solid who is excited about that and excited about you. The guy you have now....you can love someone but if your visions of life don't match you will never be happy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Yeah, at the age OP is, both women and men who are serious about settling down don't waste time. DH and I were engaged within 18 months married 8 months later. I was 29 and he was 27. Get moving, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dating someone, also thirty, and have been since we were twenty-two. About seven years and a little more. He has ADHD and depression and has struggled with it his whole life. It has been a problem and it's still undertreated. I've had depression in the past, but personally am doing a lot better. Because of the length of time we've been together, I've been putting the pressure on with regard to marriage and children, and he has taken my communication as an unwarranted ultimatum. He says he doesn't have his life together enough to get married and doesn't know when he will, but he wants to be with me and knows he'll never find anyone better. He had a salary and benefits, though he makes much less than I do, which I dont care about. He has some self-regulation problems and has at times drank and smoked too much, but has gotten much better as we've grown up. Do I break up with him and start looking for a marriage minded guy? Do I stay with the person I love and want to marry but risk that he won't actually ever be ready, and even if he does, I will struggle along with his ADHD issues for life? I'm admittedly a little scared to date because I feel like I don't connect on a romantic level with many men in general. I have a law degree, a good job, and am objectively an attractive girl who looks a lot younger than my age. I have been told that when I'm all done up I am "tv hot." What are people's thoughts on this? I feel like sometimes you get more honest responses from strangers than friends.

Don't break up and start looking for a marriage-minded guy. Break up and live your life. This guy has kept you hanging way too long and he has a ton of issues. Break up, live your life, and someone who can commit will come along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the "best guy ever" because you've been out of the dating pool for so long.

I dated a guy like this for 5 years in my 20s. Ungodly gorgeous, brilliant, fascinating, and also totally immature and not ready for commitment. I moved on. I thought there was no one else like him but just 6 months later I met someone totally different,but better. Amazing, ready for commitment, even smarter, cute, loves all the things I love and treats me like a princess.

You deserve a life with a partner, not a whiner. Keep this guy as your friend -- it sounds like you get along. Find the partner for you. You'll never do it unless you break up with this guy and get out there.

This. There's a big difference between a guy who's great and a guy who's great for you, not to sound all self-helpy about it. But - if you are at the stage in life where you want to settle down, make a future - you really need someone who is going to be your partner, not just who's going to be entertaining and hot. And guys like that are out there. They may not be the flashiest, they may not be out at the bars you're hanging around in a lot, but they are out there.

On the other hand, if you're really looking for good sex and some drama to keep things interesting, then keep the hot guy.

I tell you this as someone who had a lot of tumultuous relationships up through my mid-30s, then settled down with a guy I'd have rejected outright when I was younger. I'm not sorry I had my fun. I sometimes miss my fun. I am grateful every singly day I didn't marry one of those other guys.

Good luck, OP!

So you got fucked by bad-boy, emotionally unavailable men, in all sorts of nasty, wild places and positions, for about 15 years, followed by finding a meal ticket man who you are not actually attracted to? Does hubby know he pledged his life to a woman who spent 15 years of her life spreading her legs for everyone but him?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a mid-30's attorney, male. you seem like a cool person. I'd like to chat sometime, no pressure.

[Anonymous]

Seriouly op, he has mental health issues AND makes much less $$ than you AND isn't ready to get married. AND doesn't know whether he will be. I know for women "chemistry" rules everything but you have to listen to the posters here. If you want something lasting, it's not this guy.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you do not already know the answers to your own questions at 30, please, please do not bring any child into the world. Just work on your issues.

[Anonymous]

Depression takes a toll on kids as well. If I knew what I know now, I would not marry somebody with depression and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the "best guy ever" because you've been out of the dating pool for so long.

I dated a guy like this for 5 years in my 20s. Ungodly gorgeous, brilliant, fascinating, and also totally immature and not ready for commitment. I moved on. I thought there was no one else like him but just 6 months later I met someone totally different,but better. Amazing, ready for commitment, even smarter, cute, loves all the things I love and treats me like a princess.

You deserve a life with a partner, not a whiner. Keep this guy as your friend -- it sounds like you get along. Find the partner for you. You'll never do it unless you break up with this guy and get out there.

This. There's a big difference between a guy who's great and a guy who's great for you, not to sound all self-helpy about it. But - if you are at the stage in life where you want to settle down, make a future - you really need someone who is going to be your partner, not just who's going to be entertaining and hot. And guys like that are out there. They may not be the flashiest, they may not be out at the bars you're hanging around in a lot, but they are out there.

On the other hand, if you're really looking for good sex and some drama to keep things interesting, then keep the hot guy.

I tell you this as someone who had a lot of tumultuous relationships up through my mid-30s, then settled down with a guy I'd have rejected outright when I was younger. I'm not sorry I had my fun. I sometimes miss my fun. I am grateful every singly day I didn't marry one of those other guys.

Good luck, OP!

So you got fucked by bad-boy, emotionally unavailable men, in all sorts of nasty, wild places and positions, for about 15 years, followed by finding a meal ticket man who you are not actually attracted to? Does hubby know he pledged his life to a woman who spent 15 years of her life spreading her legs for everyone but him?

You are seriously uptight about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depression takes a toll on kids as well. If I knew what I know now, I would not marry somebody with depression and have kids.

+1. Mental health issues can get worse with age and with added pressures like getting married and having kids. Run away and find someone stable that you and your future kids can rely on.

[Anonymous]

So many of us make the fatal mistake of being an offer too good for a man who doesn't really want us to refuse. THey don't have to work or be their best or compete with other men but we make them very comfortable and secure. I will try to teach my daughters not to fall into the trap.

[Anonymous]

You have a law degree, you're a smart woman. How could you let him waste so many years of your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the "best guy ever" because you've been out of the dating pool for so long.

I dated a guy like this for 5 years in my 20s. Ungodly gorgeous, brilliant, fascinating, and also totally immature and not ready for commitment. I moved on. I thought there was no one else like him but just 6 months later I met someone totally different,but better. Amazing, ready for commitment, even smarter, cute, loves all the things I love and treats me like a princess.

You deserve a life with a partner, not a whiner. Keep this guy as your friend -- it sounds like you get along. Find the partner for you. You'll never do it unless you break up with this guy and get out there.

This. There's a big difference between a guy who's great and a guy who's great for you, not to sound all self-helpy about it. But - if you are at the stage in life where you want to settle down, make a future - you really need someone who is going to be your partner, not just who's going to be entertaining and hot. And guys like that are out there. They may not be the flashiest, they may not be out at the bars you're hanging around in a lot, but they are out there.

On the other hand, if you're really looking for good sex and some drama to keep things interesting, then keep the hot guy.

I tell you this as someone who had a lot of tumultuous relationships up through my mid-30s, then settled down with a guy I'd have rejected outright when I was younger. I'm not sorry I had my fun. I sometimes miss my fun. I am grateful every singly day I didn't marry one of those other guys.

Good luck, OP!

So you got fucked by bad-boy, emotionally unavailable men, in all sorts of nasty, wild places and positions, for about 15 years, followed by finding a meal ticket man who you are not actually attracted to? Does hubby know he pledged his life to a woman who spent 15 years of her life spreading her legs for everyone but him?

You are seriously uptight about sex.

it struck a cord, because he's still not over feeling like the Plan B guy the past 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of us make the fatal mistake of being an offer too good for a man who doesn't really want us to refuse. THey don't have to work or be their best or compete with other men but we make them very comfortable and secure. I will try to teach my daughters not to fall into the trap.

same here!