I'm thirty and worried about my future.

[Anonymous]

I'm dating someone, also thirty, and have been since we were twenty-two. About seven years and a little more. He has ADHD and depression and has struggled with it his whole life. It has been a problem and it's still undertreated. I've had depression in the past, but personally am doing a lot better. Because of the length of time we've been together, I've been putting the pressure on with regard to marriage and children, and he has taken my communication as an unwarranted ultimatum. He says he doesn't have his life together enough to get married and doesn't know when he will, but he wants to be with me and knows he'll never find anyone better. He had a salary and benefits, though he makes much less than I do, which I dont care about. He has some self-regulation problems and has at times drank and smoked too much, but has gotten much better as we've grown up. Do I break up with him and start looking for a marriage minded guy? Do I stay with the person I love and want to marry but risk that he won't actually ever be ready, and even if he does, I will struggle along with his ADHD issues for life? I'm admittedly a little scared to date because I feel like I don't connect on a romantic level with many men in general. I have a law degree, a good job, and am objectively an attractive girl who looks a lot younger than my age. I have been told that when I'm all done up I am "tv hot." What are people's thoughts on this? I feel like sometimes you get more honest responses from strangers than friends.

[Anonymous]

If he's not ready now, he never will be. Time to shit or get off the pot, yes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dating someone, also thirty, and have been since we were twenty-two. About seven years and a little more. He has ADHD and depression and has struggled with it his whole life. It has been a problem and it's still undertreated. I've had depression in the past, but personally am doing a lot better. Because of the length of time we've been together, I've been putting the pressure on with regard to marriage and children, and he has taken my communication as an unwarranted ultimatum. He says he doesn't have his life together enough to get married and doesn't know when he will, but he wants to be with me and knows he'll never find anyone better. He had a salary and benefits, though he makes much less than I do, which I dont care about. He has some self-regulation problems and has at times drank and smoked too much, but has gotten much better as we've grown up. Do I break up with him and start looking for a marriage minded guy? Do I stay with the person I love and want to marry but risk that he won't actually ever be ready, and even if he does, I will struggle along with his ADHD issues for life? I'm admittedly a little scared to date because I feel like I don't connect on a romantic level with many men in general. I have a law degree, a good job, and am objectively an attractive girl who looks a lot younger than my age. I have been told that when I'm all done up I am "tv hot." What are people's thoughts on this? I feel like sometimes you get more honest responses from strangers than friends.

Yes.

The clock is ticking. You are already past peak fertility. Mind you I married my husband at age 32 and 12 years later we have two great kids together, but now is the time for action.

Break up with him, get some therapy (why did I stay with this guy for so long, knowing he would never give me what I wanted? is a good question to ask) and then hit the dating scene, have fun and fall in love.

You don't need to connect to many men in general, just that one great guy.

If you wait, you will regret it.

GL.

[Anonymous]

Seven years and no ring? On to the next.... Not only that, but he has too many issues. Would you like children with a man like that?

[Anonymous]

OP writing. Yeah, I totally agree, but I don't understand how men can claim to love someone and say she is the one and then dig in their heels when she asks for a permanent commitment. I feel like I'm screwed no matter what I do because anyone else will always feel like second best. He is my number one and my best friend. I guess if I want marriage then I may have to look for another man and put the second best notion out of my mind.

[Anonymous]

Cut the cord.

I know its easier said than done, but really, once you find the right person, you will never believe how much time you wasted with this guy. Things can be easy. "Work" in a relationship doesn't mean sucking it up and being unhappy with the status quo. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Why are you with him? Oh and describe these hot looks in more detail...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP writing. Yeah, I totally agree, but I don't understand how men can claim to love someone and say she is the one and then dig in their heels when she asks for a permanent commitment. I feel like I'm screwed no matter what I do because anyone else will always feel like second best. He is my number one and my best friend. I guess if I want marriage then I may have to look for another man and put the second best notion out of my mind.

He likes the status quo, period.

I would take his refusal to marry very seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP writing. Yeah, I totally agree, but I don't understand how men can claim to love someone and say she is the one and then dig in their heels when she asks for a permanent commitment. I feel like I'm screwed no matter what I do because anyone else will always feel like second best. He is my number one and my best friend. I guess if I want marriage then I may have to look for another man and put the second best notion out of my mind.

You make yourself seem like such a winner in your post. A winner with poor self esteem perhaps, because the man you described, it's a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dating someone, also thirty, and have been since we were twenty-two. About seven years and a little more. He has ADHD and depression and has struggled with it his whole life. It has been a problem and it's still undertreated. I've had depression in the past, but personally am doing a lot better. Because of the length of time we've been together, I've been putting the pressure on with regard to marriage and children, and he has taken my communication as an unwarranted ultimatum. He says he doesn't have his life together enough to get married and doesn't know when he will, but he wants to be with me and knows he'll never find anyone better. He had a salary and benefits, though he makes much less than I do, which I dont care about. He has some self-regulation problems and has at times drank and smoked too much, but has gotten much better as we've grown up. Do I break up with him and start looking for a marriage minded guy? Do I stay with the person I love and want to marry but risk that he won't actually ever be ready, and even if he does, I will struggle along with his ADHD issues for life? I'm admittedly a little scared to date because I feel like I don't connect on a romantic level with many men in general. I have a law degree, a good job, and am objectively an attractive girl who looks a lot younger than my age. I have been told that when I'm all done up I am "tv hot." What are people's thoughts on this? I feel like sometimes you get more honest responses from strangers than friends.

What struck me was the fact that you started dating at 22--which is young but not THAT young--and then referred to his drinking and smoking getting better "as we've grown up." As if people in their 20s are just kids. Of course, this is from the perspective of someone who met my future DH in college and was married within 5 years. To me, sounds like this guy is stringing you along. Sounds to me that you need a break--to figure out what you want out of life and a mate.

[Anonymous]

I agree. Seven years is a long time to date someone. If he is still uncertain about marriage, and you are sure you want to get married and have children, I think you really should move on...the sooner the better. Don't wait until age 35. I was off and on with someone for 9 years and at age 34, I finally decided I was done. He also had some depression and/or drinking problems. Otherwise, he was a great guy - an engineer with a job. I walked way knowing that I may not find someone else, but I was tired of going back to him. Luckily, I met someone else within a year and now we are married with three children. My DH is a very stable person and I am so glad I moved on, but I did take a risk in my mid-thirties. I wish I had moved on sooner.

[Anonymous]

Do you want the guy AS IS or do you want marriage? Will you take the guy AS IS, with or without marriage? These are questions you need to ask yourself. Is he the means to your end (marriage and kids) or do you want him as your parent, even without the ring or children.

Answer those questions, there is no right or wrong and stay or leave based on your answers.

For me, marriage was never a goal, neither was having children. I just wanted to be with my now husband, warts and all. Marriage became a bonus and DD was the cherry on top of the cake.

[Anonymous]

OP writing. I'm with him because despite his problems, he is kind, affectionate, very intelligent and funny, attractive (not flawless, but is very hot to me), we have similar personalities and senses of humor, and we have great sexual chemistry. He's my favorite person in the world. I'm running into the problem that while all those things are great, the commitment problem and his mental issues are causing it to fall short of what a marriage should be (maybe, I don't know because I've never been married). As for my looks, I just wanted to point out that I'm not a troll and could feasibly have other good options.

[Anonymous]

*or do you want him as your parent* partner

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to decide what is more important to you. The guy or a commitment and make the jump accordingly. Yes it is a risk but living is risky.