I'm thirty and worried about my future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree. Seven years is a long time to date someone. If he is still uncertain about marriage, and you are sure you want to get married and have children, I think you really should move on...the sooner the better. Don't wait until age 35. I was off and on with someone for 9 years and at age 34, I finally decided I was done. He also had some depression and/or drinking problems. Otherwise, he was a great guy - an engineer with a job. I walked way knowing that I may not find someone else, but I was tired of going back to him. Luckily, I met someone else within a year and now we are married with three children. My DH is a very stable person and I am so glad I moved on, but I did take a risk in my mid-thirties. I wish I had moved on sooner.

I wished someone had had this talk with me OP. Because I waited - we eventually did get married when I finally said to 'shit or get off the pot.' But I should have had that conversation two years before. You never know what is going to happen. We had one child, and have had a lot of problems conceiving #2. Plus I have some chronic progressive health conditions and am now giving birth to #2 at age 40, which given my situation is not ideal (but worth it). Last night my DH was lamenting how we didn't have kids earlier because he wanted 3, and how he wished he had understood about fertility, risks of complications, etc.

[Anonymous]

Please reread your post. Do so from the perspective of someone who does not know the person the way that you do. You have been together for almost all of your 20s who is unwilling to make the commitment you want him to make to you. If he says that he does not have his life together enough to marry you, believe him. Even if you get him to agree to marriage, you will have the same battle about buying a house, having children, etc.

I have a good friend who recently ended a relationship with someone she was very much in love with because it had become clear that he was never going to give her the commitment she wanted (marriage, children) for all the reasons your boyfriend has listed. It was heartbreaking, but not more heartbreaking than staying in a relationship that is unlikely to evolve into what you need in a relationship.

It is much, much better to be honest about expectations throughout your relationship. I think it's reasonable to have a nice time through your 20s not getting married and not being willing to make the adult plunge. Also "doesn't think he'll find anyone better"? Doesn't sound like you're the one settling. Sometimes love is not enough.

[Anonymous]

I have been you. It was super hard and I felt like not sticking with him was being unkind about his mental health issues. But, he never got better and still hasn't 7 years after we broke it off. I moved on, healed emotionally, met someone awesome, got married and have started a family. Do not wait for something to change after 7 years and honestly, mental health stuff is very hard--hard to treat and hard to live with. You haven't committed to that life yet (you aren't married) and that may be a blessing. End it, take a break from relationships to find yourself--go on some trips. Then you will probably find someone so fast. Do not go looking right now because you are still trying to figure out why this person you love hasn't picked you. He can't. It really isn't you. It is him and someone else is going to see the awesomeness of you and snatch you up.

[Anonymous]

OP to 14:58: Your points are well taken. As far as the not finding anyone better, I think I wrote that in an unclear way. He means that he knows I am the best person for him, and no one else would compare. However, that doesn't seem to be enough to overcome his issues.

Does anyone know of situations where it took losing the woman to make the guy snap out of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP writing. I'm with him because despite his problems, he is kind, affectionate, very intelligent and funny, attractive (not flawless, but is very hot to me), we have similar personalities and senses of humor, and we have great sexual chemistry. He's my favorite person in the world. I'm running into the problem that while all those things are great, the commitment problem and his mental issues are causing it to fall short of what a marriage should be (maybe, I don't know because I've never been married). As for my looks, I just wanted to point out that I'm not a troll and could feasibly have other good options.

OP in the next year you need to decide if he has what it takes to be with you longterm. Youre still deeply in love with him. As a guy whod probably be a good match for you on paper, i have to say id be wary about being with someone who might be pining for someone else. He is your guy, be clear about what you want out of life and find out whether he will try to provide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP writing. Yeah, I totally agree, but I don't understand how men can claim to love someone and say she is the one and then dig in their heels when she asks for a permanent commitment. I feel like I'm screwed no matter what I do because anyone else will always feel like second best. He is my number one and my best friend. I guess if I want marriage then I may have to look for another man and put the second best notion out of my mind.

You make yourself seem like such a winner in your post. A winner with poor self esteem perhaps, because the man you described, it's a loser.

OP, I agree, but will try to say it more gently than PP did. It sounds like you don't believe that you are lovable, and that your BF is the only man who will want to marry you. You don't say you want to marry him because he is a catch and the right guy for you - you say you want to marry him because it's been 7 years. Then you go on to list his many issues/challenges (and if you think they are issues now, just wait until you have kids). You said very little about what makes him a good BF and good DH material.

7 years is not a reason to marry. Really, it's not. The status quo is not a reason to marry, either.

Get yourself into therapy and examine what you want. Then make choices to get you there.

[Anonymous]

gamblers say, you only gamble what you're willing to lose.

if you give the ultimatum be ready for the answer you don't want to hear - which is anything other than a resounding yes followed up by real action.

if you break it off, then walk away for good. don't do it thinking you'll just wait and he'll come back or that you'll just "try" dating but really are waiting for him to come back. that will do no one any good and you'll never heal and will end up hurting many along the way.

you're 30 - still young. you sound mature but a little insecure. you're in a bad cycle right now and I think you already know the answer of what to do but are afraid of admitting and acting on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP to 14:58: Your points are well taken. As far as the not finding anyone better, I think I wrote that in an unclear way. He means that he knows I am the best person for him, and no one else would compare. However, that doesn't seem to be enough to overcome his issues.

Does anyone know of situations where it took losing the woman to make the guy snap out of it?

OP, as I said at 14:58, the thing about being in a relationship with a person who has mental health issues (I am and sometimes wish I had taken the advice that I gave you) is that it's not about "snapping out of it". The issues you described are going to get worse as you add more grown up stuff to your life. I am the one who is in charge of all the planning of things - I will never ever be posting about the awesome surprise weekend away my DH took me on because he has repeatedly stated that the very idea of planning such a thing (even booking a hotel and getting directions for how to get there) is too stressful for him. He will be surprised by the holiday season every year. He will always forget when Thanksgiving is, and he will always be surprised that this annoys me. He will never be "ready" in his mind for the adult things we do. They will always seem like a burden to him.

On my really bad days, I will admit that there are times when I think I made a mistake toughing it out, but like the PP who said she felt unkind not sticking by her ex through his mental health issues, I feel like if I had walked away, I would have been being selfish and cruel to someone I love. On the good days (and there are many), I recognize the things he IS good at and the ways he DOES make me happy and am content with that.

[Anonymous]

I dated my now DH for 8 years before we got married. I would highly recommend couples counseling for you two. I think it would be worth it if you feel like this is the guy you want to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP to 14:58: Your points are well taken. As far as the not finding anyone better, I think I wrote that in an unclear way. He means that he knows I am the best person for him, and no one else would compare. However, that doesn't seem to be enough to overcome his issues.

Does anyone know of situations where it took losing the woman to make the guy snap out of it?

OP, as I said at 14:58, the thing about being in a relationship with a person who has mental health issues (I am and sometimes wish I had taken the advice that I gave you) is that it's not about "snapping out of it". The issues you described are going to get worse as you add more grown up stuff to your life. I am the one who is in charge of all the planning of things - I will never ever be posting about the awesome surprise weekend away my DH took me on because he has repeatedly stated that the very idea of planning such a thing (even booking a hotel and getting directions for how to get there) is too stressful for him. He will be surprised by the holiday season every year. He will always forget when Thanksgiving is, and he will always be surprised that this annoys me. He will never be "ready" in his mind for the adult things we do. They will always seem like a burden to him.

On my really bad days, I will admit that there are times when I think I made a mistake toughing it out, but like the PP who said she felt unkind not sticking by her ex through his mental health issues, I feel like if I had walked away, I would have been being selfish and cruel to someone I love. On the good days (and there are many), I recognize the things he IS good at and the ways he DOES make me happy and am content with that.

14:58 here. I just realized that that all sounds particularly dire. It is not the WORST THING EVER. But I would caution you to consider this: if things did not get better, if he agreed to marry you but these issues persisted for the rest of your lives, is that a thing you could live with?

It sounds like you are making this choice out of inertia and fear of being alone. Since you have already started this conversation, I'd encourage you to have a conversation about what marriage means to you and what it means to him. It sounds like he is unreasonably freaked out by the very idea of getting married and possibly has some unrealistic expectations of his responsibilities, etc. Do you want to have children? Do you want to have children IMMEDIATELY? Do you expect him to be the primary breadwinner in the family? All of these questions are to determine what things he is anticipating failing at/is not ready for right now and bringing them into line with what your expectations actually are.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I really appreciate everyone's responses, even the harsh ones. The truth is, I have been in therapy for about a year and that is why I am at the point where 1) i know what I want in a relationship (commitment, marriage, kids, stability) 2) I see that he isn't ready for that challenge and 3) I'm now able to ask for what I want with a lot less fear.

I knew that if I worked on myself that there was a chance that he still wouldn't be ok or able to respond to my needs. I am just trying to accept that he hasn't done the work he needs to do on himself and I have done everything a partner could do as far as being supportive. I am working on my insecurity issues that come from my childhood, and am a lot better, but still improving on it.

I am proud of what I've accomplished and I don't want to take this relationship's breakdown as something that's my fault. I know and recognize now that it's not my fault, I am attempting to silence the lingering old self talk, which would say that I just wasn't enough. Again, thank you everyone and please keep adding thoughts if you have any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. Seven years is a long time to date someone. If he is still uncertain about marriage, and you are sure you want to get married and have children, I think you really should move on...the sooner the better. Don't wait until age 35. I was off and on with someone for 9 years and at age 34, I finally decided I was done. He also had some depression and/or drinking problems. Otherwise, he was a great guy - an engineer with a job. I walked way knowing that I may not find someone else, but I was tired of going back to him. Luckily, I met someone else within a year and now we are married with three children. My DH is a very stable person and I am so glad I moved on, but I did take a risk in my mid-thirties. I wish I had moved on sooner.

I wished someone had had this talk with me OP. Because I waited - we eventually did get married when I finally said to 'shit or get off the pot.' But I should have had that conversation two years before. You never know what is going to happen. We had one child, and have had a lot of problems conceiving #2. Plus I have some chronic progressive health conditions and am now giving birth to #2 at age 40, which given my situation is not ideal (but worth it). Last night my DH was lamenting how we didn't have kids earlier because he wanted 3, and how he wished he had understood about fertility, risks of complications, etc.

C'mon is there an American in his or her thirties who doesn't realize fertility declines and pregnancy risks increase dramatically with age?

[Anonymous]

Give him a very clear ultimatum and then be ready to walk away COMPLETELY. Do not try to maintain the relationship. By far the biggest mistake women make is wasting time with men who make it clear they are not going to marry them. You need to clarify your position and cut your losses ASAP.

[Anonymous]

The woman I know who dated a guy for 7 years, he met someone else married within a year, she lives out West still single, he took her best years. No kids either. He is stringing u along. A woman in her 40s, married 2 kids, has seen this scenario a few times. Never ends pretty for the tick-tocking girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The woman I know who dated a guy for 7 years, he met someone else married within a year, she lives out West still single, he took her best years. No kids either. He is stringing u along. A woman in her 40s, married 2 kids, has seen this scenario a few times. Never ends pretty for the tick-tocking girlfriend.

+1
I am 40 also and I cant count the number of times i have seen this. Not ready, string a woman along for a decade, then dump her and get married overnight. OP you need to figure this out NOW.