I'm thirty and worried about my future.
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Anonymous
| Just remember too that the molehills of a relationship do tend to become the mountains of a marriage which is why you have to be willing to accept him as he is right now without holding on the possibility that he might change. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I definitely understand that scenario, but I don't believe that would happen with him in particular. I think some men are lazy and date the women who are definitely not "the one" out of said laziness, until the women get wise to it. Then they marry the next one, as you said.
I have reason to think this is not the case with my situation (not that it matters that much, if it's not going to happen, it doesn't matter why). I wholeheartedly believe that if he wanted to get married to anyone soon, he would marry me in a second. We were those people that everyone looked at and just knew belonged together, just from witnessing their bond. Everyone in my life says they think we are meant to be, but that his issues are getting in the way and we can't be together right now. If we end thinhs he may well end up marrying someone my age when he's 40 or whatever, and I guess that's fine because I wouldn't have waited another ten years for him to decide. |
Anonymous
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Why would you want to drop hints or even marry someone who is anything but 100% on board? Moreover the mental issues and drinking are not going to get easier or better AT ALL when you have kids. Kids make the worst in you come out. The financial burden, the night feeding, the constant attention an lack of outside life... It will stress your relationship in ways you never imagined.
I took 7 years to propose to my GF, but... We met at 17, moved in together at 20, and I proposed a few years later. It took a while but we were young. He isn't. You aren't. |
Anonymous
| My DH and I dated for 8 years. I still married him after pushing for marriage; he agreed because he didn't want to lose me. He has depression and self-esteem issues, but I genuinely love him and like him, so I thought marrying him was the thing to do. I also was daunted about the possibility of finding someone else that I trust and "click with." I still love him, but I regret the choice. As soon as we got married, the next step was that he just needed a little more time to be ready for children. (We had agreed to start trying on our honeymoon.) Then, we couldn't without IVF. Plus, getting married seemed to give him more leeway to be less of a person instead of more. It as if knowing it would be hard for me to leave gave him license to be more irresponsible. For example, he quit his job without telling me and went back to school. He still isn't working 6 years later because he just isn't mentally ready to job hunt (but he will be soon, always "soon"). My life has become a string of "I need a little more time" or "I'm just not ready." I'm not miserable, but I do think I could have done better for myself. |
Anonymous
| I think you know within a month of dating someone whether you'd marry them or not. It doesn't mean you do it, but you know. Get out while you're young, OP. |
Anonymous
Nobody thinks they are in that situation, which is precisely why it is so dangerous. It is exactly attitude that your failing relationship is somehow special that made you waste 7 years already. All the couples in which that dynamic played out in fact followed a very similar script - two people who apparently "belonged" together and that no one ever doubted would be together forever. Except that suddenly they weren't, and the men moved on quickly. What you are doing is insane. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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You can't "fix" people. If you can't handle his problems along with your own, can't depend on him to pull his weight financially and as a co-parent - then you need to leave.
If you want biological children without spending $10-100k, do not wait around for him to get his shit together when he might never get his shit together. |
Anonymous
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OP to 16:49: I'm not disagreeing with you as far as the fact that I have waited too long, that's why I'm seeking perspectives to help me decide how to take action.
I understand that you're just trying to help, and I appreciate that. I'm saying that with my particular person, i've known him for 10 years (three years longer than our relationship) and while he might date, he wouldn't jump into a marriage. The reason why because he just plain doesn't have his sh*t together mentally and I have been realizing that he's emotionally unavailable due to that, and that would be true with any woman. Anyway like I said, even if it did happen, what's done is done and I'm going to decide what to do now for me. My self esteem is high enough that if he did do that, my main reaction would be, Well, huge mistake on his part and his loss. |
Anonymous
What exactly do you like about him? |
Anonymous
| OP, to be gentle, in reading your responses, it sounds as if you have made up your mind to stick it out. I know you are asking for input but it seems as if you wanted people to agree that pushing for marriage is a great idea and everything will end well. It might, but it usually doesn't. Hearing that reality has led you to push back against the people you can and ignore those that you can't, all of which leads me to think there is no chance of you leaving. I do hope your eyes are wide open, though, that he is unlikely to change. |
Anonymous
men who dont have their shit mentally marry all the time. despite what he is telling you (and quite likely sincerely believing himself) his mental health issues are likely not at all related to his willingness to marry you. its not that he in fact wants to get married, and not to you - in fact i believe you when you say if he were to marry anyone today, it would be you for sure. the problem is, there is no such thing as 'readiness for marriage' independent of a particular woman. one does not need to be mature or healthy to undertstand what he needs to do to keep you forever. he doesnt want to marry you, it seems, and this you need to make perfectly clear (ie give him an ultimatum). he might or might not be willing to marry the next person. |
Anonymous
1) It's not just men who do that. 2) You don't know that anyone else will always feel second best. 3) You should examine your own motivations. Sometimes people long for something they can't have because they are deep down scared of what they're longing for. For many years, I longed for men I couldn't have. Finally, I had to look closely at myself and face the fact that I was afraid of intimacy so that unavailable men were safer. Took a lot of work to change but I eventually fell in love with an available guy and we have been married for 20 years. You have to face the fact that you want to get married and your SO doesn't. He's not going to change so you have to decide whether to leave and start looking for someone else. |
Anonymous
OP, you want to change him. You can't change him. Once you accept that and grieve over it you will be able to let him go. |
Anonymous
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As a matter of fact OP, he will most likely get married the second you dump him. Not out of love or the fact that he's ready but because he misses the companionship and would do anything to get it back. He will marry the next woman that he dates after you...within..6 months. You will be devastated thinking that you weren't enough when in actual fact, he just wants a warm body to take him back to the status quo and what he's familiar with. Doesn't matter who the warm body belongs to.
I would get over the cripling fear of "starting over" and just leave. Life is about fresh starts. You were born, you grew up, went to school, left home, went to college, graduated, went to law school, got a job, etc etc. You weren't afraid to do all those things but yet you are crippled with fear at the thought of closing the door on this relationship and moving on to another. Something that is as natural as sleeping and waking up. |