I'm thirty and worried about my future.

[Anonymous]

OP writing. How could I let this happen? Sometimes people are just doing the best they can with what they have been handed. There are no perfect people and we all have problems and make many mistakes.

This is my attitude now as much as possible. But as someone who has suffered from low self-esteem, trust me when I say I beat myself up unfairly and mercilessly about things that go wrong, including this problem. I am attempting to be gentle with myself and explore what is best for ME. Unfortunately, the hand the I was dealt did not include emotional support growing up. I was fed and clothed and outwardly had a loving family, but no one asked or cared how I felt about anything and I was trained to always put my needs and feelings last. My childhood lessons were: never complain, never ask for anything, give your younger brother his way because he doesn't know any better, be beautiful, get flawless grades, be social, and be perfect so we (parents) look good. Those were the things that were praised. I was not praised just for being myself, in fact, I was punished for being myself: a thoughtful, shy, intellectual girl who just wanted to be loved and to spend time with her parents and have them care about her. I was molded into what everyone else thought I should be. As a teenager when I tried to push back I was punished mightily for not being compliant. My mother still talks about what a horrible teen I was when in fact I was normal and just sick of their crap.

From that perspective, it's no wonder that I have the problems I do. I'm doing what I can now to remedy the results of those facts. Thank you for the thoughtful and encouraging comments folks have written, I have read all of them thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP writing. How could I let this happen? Sometimes people are just doing the best they can with what they have been handed. There are no perfect people and we all have problems and make many mistakes.

This is my attitude now as much as possible. But as someone who has suffered from low self-esteem, trust me when I say I beat myself up unfairly and mercilessly about things that go wrong, including this problem. I am attempting to be gentle with myself and explore what is best for ME. Unfortunately, the hand the I was dealt did not include emotional support growing up. I was fed and clothed and outwardly had a loving family, but no one asked or cared how I felt about anything and I was trained to always put my needs and feelings last. My childhood lessons were: never complain, never ask for anything, give your younger brother his way because he doesn't know any better, be beautiful, get flawless grades, be social, and be perfect so we (parents) look good. Those were the things that were praised. I was not praised just for being myself, in fact, I was punished for being myself: a thoughtful, shy, intellectual girl who just wanted to be loved and to spend time with her parents and have them care about her. I was molded into what everyone else thought I should be. As a teenager when I tried to push back I was punished mightily for not being compliant. My mother still talks about what a horrible teen I was when in fact I was normal and just sick of their crap.

From that perspective, it's no wonder that I have the problems I do. I'm doing what I can now to remedy the results of those facts. Thank you for the thoughtful and encouraging comments folks have written, I have read all of them thankfully.

You can't blame anyone else for this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP writing. How could I let this happen? Sometimes people are just doing the best they can with what they have been handed. There are no perfect people and we all have problems and make many mistakes.

This is my attitude now as much as possible. But as someone who has suffered from low self-esteem, trust me when I say I beat myself up unfairly and mercilessly about things that go wrong, including this problem. I am attempting to be gentle with myself and explore what is best for ME. Unfortunately, the hand the I was dealt did not include emotional support growing up. I was fed and clothed and outwardly had a loving family, but no one asked or cared how I felt about anything and I was trained to always put my needs and feelings last. My childhood lessons were: never complain, never ask for anything, give your younger brother his way because he doesn't know any better, be beautiful, get flawless grades, be social, and be perfect so we (parents) look good. Those were the things that were praised. I was not praised just for being myself, in fact, I was punished for being myself: a thoughtful, shy, intellectual girl who just wanted to be loved and to spend time with her parents and have them care about her. I was molded into what everyone else thought I should be. As a teenager when I tried to push back I was punished mightily for not being compliant. My mother still talks about what a horrible teen I was when in fact I was normal and just sick of their crap.

From that perspective, it's no wonder that I have the problems I do. I'm doing what I can now to remedy the results of those facts. Thank you for the thoughtful and encouraging comments folks have written, I have read all of them thankfully.

This is all in the past, I really would stop dwelling on why and how you came to be.
You are now 30 and want a family, and you are stuck in a relationship that apparently is not going anywhere. Those things can happen and have happened to anyone. It's easy to let time slip when one is young and her life goals are not completely clear.
So don't beat yourself about this, but blaming parents at your age is really getting old, too. Just focus on the problem at hand (as you seem to be doing) before its too late.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I'm not making excuses. I realize the past is in the past. Someone asked how a smart woman ends up in this situation, what I wrote is the answer to that question. Also I have dealt with sexual assault and other mistreatment from men in the past. All things considered, I believe I am self aware and doing the best I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm not making excuses. I realize the past is in the past. Someone asked how a smart woman ends up in this situation, what I wrote is the answer to that question. Also I have dealt with sexual assault and other mistreatment from men in the past. All things considered, I believe I am self aware and doing the best I can.

OP, I could have written your 11:26 post. I was raised by parents who wanted me to be a nice, polite daughter who made them look like wonderful parents. They were good parents, but my mother in particular always cared about what other people thought. Without therapy, such an upbringing stays with you forever unless you recognize it. It's a well-intentioned but insidious type of upbringing. In their world, speaking up equaled hurting feelings, being unlady-like and rocking the boat a little too much for comfort. My mother also saw me as a difficult teenager. It was the first time I started to really express myself, often without a filter, but I had a lot bottled up from years of being told how to behave and think for their benefit. Other people's feelings always came first. It was the Christian way to be, I guess you could say. Yet it took me until age 30 to realize that I didn't have to leave a wonderful impression with every single person I met, including boyfriends who seemed like ok guys but weren't my type or weren't treating me as well as they should have. No, you can't blame your parents for your situation, as others have said, but you need to understand why you made the bad choices you made so you don't repeat this situation. After leaving home and becoming more self-aware, I finally learned to put myself first, something I never learned to do. Putting yourself first doesn't necessarily equal selfishness; it means self-preservation. And it's the women who understand this from early on who I believe fare best of all when it comes to finding good partners. They respect themselves and they in turn attract men who respect them.

[Anonymous]

OP writing. Thank you above poster, I agree with you. I didn't have the good fortune of an upbringing that encouraged me to stand up for myself. I am fortunate in other ways, though. My boyfriend has many wonderful qualities, however, things have happened in the past that should have resulted in a breakup, but I decided to keep trying. He made a lot of progress and so did I.

Right now we are not speaking much and I have pulled back a great deal. All he can do is say how much he loves and misses me and how miserable he is without me. I'm sure he is...

[Anonymous]

What do you mean that you're "not speaking much and I have pulled back a great deal" ?? Are you seriously trying to pull the fade-away on a 7-yr relationship? If you want out, just woman up and end it.

[Anonymous]

OP writing. No, I'm not doing the fade out. Trying to get a bit of space for myself as I figure out what to do.