Reply to Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would not want to know. Either way I am not leaving him, so it would be nice to continue to think he was faithful to me[/quote]

This is my DH's position. He's not going to leave, so I am very discreet so as to not overtly humiliate him.  He's in a lot of denial around our sexual relationship and unwilling to face our issues, and I am unwilling to break up the family. Probably my desire for sex will diminish by the time I'm 60 (right?).[/quote]

That only works if the cheated on spouse is clear they're not leaving.  Frankly, even if you've been married for 20 years, I don't think the other spouse is in a position to "conclude" that the cheated on spouse will not leave THEREFORE it's not a good idea to confess the cheating.  Only if your spouse has actually said "Even if you cheat, I'm not leaving" (which is highly doubtful since you've said he's in denial about a lot of things), then it's not your call to decide he won't leave if he finds out.

Anyway, I'm clear I WOULD leave.  So to me, only in a situation where the cheated on spouse has been clear that they're staying no matter what, only then do you consider not telling.  Otherwise it's such an egregious violation of trust and respect, you don't get to determine "what is best" for the cheated on spouse.  You should be finding the tiniest bit of respect and dignity and truthfullness you have and telling your spouse who they're really married to.  Let them decide if you're worth staying with or not.  Infuriating that you think you get to decide by hiding the cheating.

As for when friends/loved ones find out that a spouse is cheating, if it is absolutely certain the cheating is happening (or a lot of reason to conclude it is), I would always share my concerns or certainty with the cheated on spouse.  I believe in the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  I would want to know, and I'd be devastated if a loved one or close friend knew I was being cheated on and didn't tell me.[/quote]

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