Reply to Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree with your counselor. From a practical point of view, you never tell unless some reason forces you to (like you discover you contracted an STD). This isn't about my conscience. If I don't know something I have no reason to take action. Once I know, I will never get it out of my head. When I am 80 I'll probably be thinking about it. There is no way that normal can be restored even if you're forgiven. I was cheated on by my first wife. No thought required, I divorced her. The harm has been done. Don't go breaking up other marriages by telling his wife that you banged her husband. Something about a lot of women needing to confess such crap. In this area, take a cue from men- take it to the grave.[/quote]

NP - you do understand PP that your position means that if your spouse was cheating, no one should tell you because you're saying you shouldn't know.

Is that really how you feel if you were the one being cheated on?

[b]I don't believe for a moment that people who say this wouldn't want to know if they were being cheated on.[/b]  I think this is largely the position of past and current cheaters and that THIS is where the major rationalizing comes in.  Why is it ever preferable to live a lie without one person knowing?  If one spouse thinks there is monogamous commitment and the other cheats, even if the cheating is over it's still living a lie.  Why is that ever ok?

The whole entire reason cheating is painful and turbulent if discovered is because it's one of the biggest violations of trust.  Only the person clearest about not wanting to cheat again comes clean, because coming clean risks everything (never know how cheated spouse will react).  Not telling is NOT doing your spouse a favor.  It's trying to cover your own ass and often about maintains the other relationship(s) without losing your spouse.[/quote]

Why must you believe that everyone considers cheating some type of fate worse than death?  I am on the other side of you.  It's sex, yes it is a big deal, and I wouldn't be thrilled to find out DW screwed around on me.  But DW has slept with men other than me before we met, so it is not like there is something unique about her having sex with someone other than me.  I would much rather find out she cheated than she had a secret gambling addiction and drained the kids college funds, for example.

So count me as someone who really wouldn't want to know.  We are otherwise happy, and her confession would do nothing other than force me to deal with something I would rather not deal with.

On the other hand, if she did tell me she cheated, I would have the same opportunity, right?[/quote]

This thread is not about judging the health or lack thereof of other people's relationships.  [b]All I can say is, if you'd have to deal with it if you knew, and you'd rather avoid it, that speaks volumes.[/b][/quote]

Jeez, why is this so hard for you to comprehend?  Some people don't consider their spouse cheating to be some penultimate sin.  I would also not really want to eavesdrop on my wife complaining to her best friend that the sex we had last night wasn't great.

We have a family.  Kids that depend on their parents.   I really doubt I would leave if she cheated, unless it was some years long affair coupled with her admission she hated me or something.    So given the choice of me staying in a relationship blissfully unaware of my DWs one-off transgression, or staying in the relationship but feeling extremely hurt and burdened with the knowledge of something that wouldn't otherwise affect me if I didn't know, I would chose not to know and carry on with my happy family life.[/quote]

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