What is the desired outcome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is kids sacrifice so much that had they known that they could sacrifice much less and enjoy their high school experience and have a similar or comparable college outcome. I think they would do it differently.

Grinding away to get into a top school and then to end up at your Flagship can feel disappointing when you would’ve gotten into the Flagship with 50% of the effort.

This. It doesn’t mean the kid falls apart if the state flagship is where he ends up, but it is not where the kid wanted and - as said above - could have likely been achieved with much less effort over many years.

This is how my kids felt about uva even though it’s a great school. It’s not uva they didn’t want, they didn’t want that to be the result of their effort or they would have modified their effort.

Again, had they “modified their effort” they wouldn’t have gotten in.

I don’t think that’s really true. There is a different level of working commitment needed to be in the running for a top 10 school versus UVA. You can still be well academically without having to kill yourself on the research and extracurricular funds in creating worldwide impact. And still get into UVA. I say this is someone from out of state. The kids from our private who get into UVA and end up there do not have other top tier options.
Same for Michigan.

Since this is anonymous I will just say this frankly. The sub-set of kids that are very smart, popular, non-geeky, social, and sporty choose Michigan or UVA over “top tier” options due to fit. They want top academics, Greek life, parties, huge sports events in a fun college town. That just isn’t happening at most top schools these days. People say Duke or Northwestern are still like this, but that is not we are hearing from kids that currently attend.

Good for them! That is great that they know they would not fit at Duke or NW or Ivies. Most of them would not. But there is nothing at all wrong with the ones who want to be with a school full of students that are similar to themselves and the other 2-3 kids they relate to intellectually and socially in high school (or 10-15 if they are lucky enough to go to TJ or a top boarding school). They go off to ivy/elite and have a great time, plenty of parties, and they finally relate to a majority. Others among them do not get in despite having the stats and rigor and being at the top. For them, Michigan or UVA are settling for something that is less of a fit than an ivy would be and that is ok to be disappointed. It is no different than the Michigan or UVA fit kid being disappointed with JMU or VT or MSU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What outcome are people really hoping for?

I recently spoke with a friend who was upset that the highest-ranked school her child was accepted to was UVA. Both she and her child questioned the point of all their effort if that was the result—they’re now holding out hope for an Ivy acceptance. It made me wonder: is this really how families measure the value of their high school years?

Getting into a prestigious college shouldn’t be the ultimate goal. College lasts four years—and those years go by quickly. Then what? Do we spend enough time thinking about what comes after?

Many of us invest years preparing our children for “success,” often defining that success as admission to a highly ranked university. But that’s a narrow way of thinking. A fulfilling, meaningful life isn’t determined by the name of a college—it’s shaped by curiosity, resilience, relationships, and purpose. Maybe it’s time we start valuing those just as much, if not more, than a ranking.

What I do not understand is why so many of us, myself included, focus on college admissions and then attendance as the key to our children's futures when their chose of a spouse is the #1 thing that will influence, impact and direct the rest of their lives. Yet, most of us do nothing to guide our children with the most decision of their lives.

Many, more than care to admit, consider the ivy/elite chase to be part of that guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all missed OP’s point. Lack of reading comprehension skills ..

Well, I’ll take a shot at answering it.

No one on here can speak to what “most families” think, which is what OP asked. The most that we can say is we know some families who feel this way and others who don’t. And I’d guess, but it’s only a guess, that this board is populated disproportionately by families who do feel the same way as OP’s friend and her kid. But with time most of them will get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is kids sacrifice so much that had they known that they could sacrifice much less and enjoy their high school experience and have a similar or comparable college outcome. I think they would do it differently.

Grinding away to get into a top school and then to end up at your Flagship can feel disappointing when you would’ve gotten into the Flagship with 50% of the effort.

This. It doesn’t mean the kid falls apart if the state flagship is where he ends up, but it is not where the kid wanted and - as said above - could have likely been achieved with much less effort over many years.

This is how my kids felt about uva even though it’s a great school. It’s not uva they didn’t want, they didn’t want that to be the result of their effort or they would have modified their effort.

Again, had they “modified their effort” they wouldn’t have gotten in.

I don’t think that’s really true. There is a different level of working commitment needed to be in the running for a top 10 school versus UVA. You can still be well academically without having to kill yourself on the research and extracurricular funds in creating worldwide impact. And still get into UVA. I say this is someone from out of state. The kids from our private who get into UVA and end up there do not have other top tier options.
Same for Michigan.

Correct. My friend's kid did not get into ivy as legacy or any other elites but did get into UVA OOS.
They were disappointed but glad they did not have to go to their flagship(UNC) because that would be a huge let down in state for a top-few student in the class. That is how most top in-state VA students feel about UVA, just a fact. The world is competitive and many of these students want the gold star for getting into the ivy type, even though they can reach almost every lifetime goal at UVA or UNC.

This is such bullshit. How the hell do you know what “most top in-state students feel about UVA?” What makes is “just a fact?” That YOU say so?

Two thirds of in state kids admitted to UVA choose to go? Do you really think that none of those kids—virtually all of whom were high achievers—did not have any more highly ranked options? How can you possible speak for thousands of kids?

It is not BS, there are plenty of us on here who have top students at top schools where UVA is not the desired outcome.
The 2/3 number includes those who ED. At our kids schools, a private and a public magnet, UVA is a backup for top students. It is rare anyone in the top 5-10% ED there. Kids lower down ED when the counselors make it clear junior year that they have no shot at ivies/stanford/JHU. The instate yield for EA at UVA is under 40%.

This is not true.It is over 50%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ending up at the flagship and being mad about it can have an interesting effect. They may fight harder (so to speak) to get into their desired major, to prove they are better than other students around them. They may work to differentiate themselves, work to be noticed and identified as extraordinary. Yes they may be a disappointed to be there, even a little embarrassed but that's not entirely a bad thing.

This “private good/public bad” distinction is a weird fetish that is unknown in most of the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is kids sacrifice so much that had they known that they could sacrifice much less and enjoy their high school experience and have a similar or comparable college outcome. I think they would do it differently.

Grinding away to get into a top school and then to end up at your Flagship can feel disappointing when you would’ve gotten into the Flagship with 50% of the effort.

This. It doesn’t mean the kid falls apart if the state flagship is where he ends up, but it is not where the kid wanted and - as said above - could have likely been achieved with much less effort over many years.

This is how my kids felt about uva even though it’s a great school. It’s not uva they didn’t want, they didn’t want that to be the result of their effort or they would have modified their effort.

Again, had they “modified their effort” they wouldn’t have gotten in.

I don’t think that’s really true. There is a different level of working commitment needed to be in the running for a top 10 school versus UVA. You can still be well academically without having to kill yourself on the research and extracurricular funds in creating worldwide impact. And still get into UVA. I say this is someone from out of state. The kids from our private who get into UVA and end up there do not have other top tier options.
Same for Michigan.

Since this is anonymous I will just say this frankly. The sub-set of kids that are very smart, popular, non-geeky, social, and sporty choose Michigan or UVA over “top tier” options due to fit. They want top academics, Greek life, parties, huge sports events in a fun college town. That just isn’t happening at most top schools these days. People say Duke or Northwestern are still like this, but that is not we are hearing from kids that currently attend.

Good for them! That is great that they know they would not fit at Duke or NW or Ivies. Most of them would not. But there is nothing at all wrong with the ones who want to be with a school full of students that are similar to themselves and the other 2-3 kids they relate to intellectually and socially in high school (or 10-15 if they are lucky enough to go to TJ or a top boarding school). They go off to ivy/elite and have a great time, plenty of parties, and they finally relate to a majority. Others among them do not get in despite having the stats and rigor and being at the top. For them, Michigan or UVA are settling for something that is less of a fit than an ivy would be and that is ok to be disappointed. It is no different than the Michigan or UVA fit kid being disappointed with JMU or VT or MSU.

Excuse me why I laugh. Their “disappointment” isn’t because they “want to be in a school surrounded by students like themselves.” Their disappointment is that they didn’t come in first place in the prestige race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is kids sacrifice so much that had they known that they could sacrifice much less and enjoy their high school experience and have a similar or comparable college outcome. I think they would do it differently.

Grinding away to get into a top school and then to end up at your Flagship can feel disappointing when you would’ve gotten into the Flagship with 50% of the effort.

This. It doesn’t mean the kid falls apart if the state flagship is where he ends up, but it is not where the kid wanted and - as said above - could have likely been achieved with much less effort over many years.

This is how my kids felt about uva even though it’s a great school. It’s not uva they didn’t want, they didn’t want that to be the result of their effort or they would have modified their effort.

Again, had they “modified their effort” they wouldn’t have gotten in.

I don’t think that’s really true. There is a different level of working commitment needed to be in the running for a top 10 school versus UVA. You can still be well academically without having to kill yourself on the research and extracurricular funds in creating worldwide impact. And still get into UVA. I say this is someone from out of state. The kids from our private who get into UVA and end up there do not have other top tier options.
Same for Michigan.

Since this is anonymous I will just say this frankly. The sub-set of kids that are very smart, popular, non-geeky, social, and sporty choose Michigan or UVA over “top tier” options due to fit. They want top academics, Greek life, parties, huge sports events in a fun college town. That just isn’t happening at most top schools these days. People say Duke or Northwestern are still like this, but that is not we are hearing from kids that currently attend.

Good for them! That is great that they know they would not fit at Duke or NW or Ivies. Most of them would not. But there is nothing at all wrong with the ones who want to be with a school full of students that are similar to themselves and the other 2-3 kids they relate to intellectually and socially in high school (or 10-15 if they are lucky enough to go to TJ or a top boarding school). They go off to ivy/elite and have a great time, plenty of parties, and they finally relate to a majority. Others among them do not get in despite having the stats and rigor and being at the top. For them, Michigan or UVA are settling for something that is less of a fit than an ivy would be and that is ok to be disappointed. It is no different than the Michigan or UVA fit kid being disappointed with JMU or VT or MSU.

Completely agree and your last sentence is somehow more acceptable on here it seems.

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree with you that this was largely our goal: "A fulfilling, meaningful life isn’t determined by the name of a college—it’s shaped by curiosity, resilience, relationships, and purpose."

To me and DH, college is a time to find yourself and learn to further develop your identity. We wanted a good fit for our DC's. For one it was a T20 and the other a T125. It's remarkable how much they've grown in that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What outcome are people really hoping for?

I recently spoke with a friend who was upset that the highest-ranked school her child was accepted to was UVA. Both she and her child questioned the point of all their effort if that was the result—they’re now holding out hope for an Ivy acceptance. It made me wonder: is this really how families measure the value of their high school years?

Getting into a prestigious college shouldn’t be the ultimate goal. College lasts four years—and those years go by quickly. Then what? Do we spend enough time thinking about what comes after?

Many of us invest years preparing our children for “success,” often defining that success as admission to a highly ranked university. But that’s a narrow way of thinking. A fulfilling, meaningful life isn’t determined by the name of a college—it’s shaped by curiosity, resilience, relationships, and purpose. Maybe it’s time we start valuing those just as much, if not more, than a ranking.

What I do not understand is why so many of us, myself included, focus on college admissions and then attendance as the key to our children's futures when their chose of a spouse is the #1 thing that will influence, impact and direct the rest of their lives. Yet, most of us do nothing to guide our children with the most decision of their lives.

Maybe we are? But this is the college board lady...not relationships. Get a life.

Not a lady. A guy here but whatever. And the OP itself referred to relationships so while I go "get a life" why don't you learn to read.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are way DELUSIONAL about the quality of kids at an Ivy.

I have twins: one at an Ivy and one at UVA/Michigan. Their workloads, their peers, their experiences are remarkably similar. Frankly, the OOS cohort at the state school is smarter and more driven than many of the kids at the Ivy.

Ivies in 2026 are not what they used to be at all.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, OP. I agree with your original post about what really matters in life but, from my perspective, it's always been like this. And it is as much the kids putting pressure on themselves as it is the parents. I went to a NE prep school back in the day where it was Harvard/Yale/Princeton or bust. Ending up at Penn was a disappointment. People are always going to want more and more until they hit their ceiling and then feel like a failure. It is the human condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is kids sacrifice so much that had they known that they could sacrifice much less and enjoy their high school experience and have a similar or comparable college outcome. I think they would do it differently.

Grinding away to get into a top school and then to end up at your Flagship can feel disappointing when you would’ve gotten into the Flagship with 50% of the effort.

This. It doesn’t mean the kid falls apart if the state flagship is where he ends up, but it is not where the kid wanted and - as said above - could have likely been achieved with much less effort over many years.

This is how my kids felt about uva even though it’s a great school. It’s not uva they didn’t want, they didn’t want that to be the result of their effort or they would have modified their effort.

Again, had they “modified their effort” they wouldn’t have gotten in.

I don’t think that’s really true. There is a different level of working commitment needed to be in the running for a top 10 school versus UVA. You can still be well academically without having to kill yourself on the research and extracurricular funds in creating worldwide impact. And still get into UVA. I say this is someone from out of state. The kids from our private who get into UVA and end up there do not have other top tier options.
Same for Michigan.

Since this is anonymous I will just say this frankly. The sub-set of kids that are very smart, popular, non-geeky, social, and sporty choose Michigan or UVA over “top tier” options due to fit. They want top academics, Greek life, parties, huge sports events in a fun college town. That just isn’t happening at most top schools these days. People say Duke or Northwestern are still like this, but that is not we are hearing from kids that currently attend.

They aren’t “choosing” uva over a top tier school, they are either applying there (to go with a safer top choice rather than risking throwing away an ed at a highly rejective school) OR were rejected from a better ranked school (and still not choosing uva).

It’s a great school, but the kids who worked really hard in HS often want the chance at a better ranked school, esp if cost is not a factor.

Not choosing to apply is, in fact, choosing. Your premise is that they are only applying to UVA or Michigan because it is safer or they couldn’t get into anything better. The arrogance is insane here. Some kids PREFER a large state school. Smart kids that have just as much of a chance at an Ivy as the kids getting into Ivies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- my question was, what is the purpose of this obsession? What is the outcome that parents are looking for? Doesn’t everyone want their kids to be happy, responsible, independent, social and have friends ? Eventually settle down and get married and have their own families? How much of that has anything to do with what college they go to? Does going to UVA or UMD vs Harvard or Stanford mean the kid is unable to live a meaningful life? Be happy, independent and responsible?

OP, I can only speak to my own family’s perspective and experience, but 1) my DD is aro/ace and doesn’t want kids, and I fully respect that, so no, I don’t want her to “settle down and get married and have their own families.” 2) a prestigious college was never her “obsession,” but academics have always come extremely easy to her (maybe because she was never distracted by relationships, who knows), and her standout extracurricular in high school was academic in nature. Objectively speaking, she did not “grind” in the sense that many posters are presuming. She is ultra nerdy by nature and chose her classes and activities out of love, not pressure. 3) She is “happy, independent, responsible, social” at HYPSM because it is the right fit for her. There is a right fit (and almost certainly multiple) for every student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are way DELUSIONAL about the quality of kids at an Ivy.

I have twins: one at an Ivy and one at UVA/Michigan. Their workloads, their peers, their experiences are remarkably similar. Frankly, the OOS cohort at the state school is smarter and more driven than many of the kids at the Ivy.

Ivies in 2026 are not what they used to be at all.

Thank you for sharing. I think people need to know more about this. Students competence, teaching quality and campus life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is kids sacrifice so much that had they known that they could sacrifice much less and enjoy their high school experience and have a similar or comparable college outcome. I think they would do it differently.

Grinding away to get into a top school and then to end up at your Flagship can feel disappointing when you would’ve gotten into the Flagship with 50% of the effort.

This. It doesn’t mean the kid falls apart if the state flagship is where he ends up, but it is not where the kid wanted and - as said above - could have likely been achieved with much less effort over many years.

This is how my kids felt about uva even though it’s a great school. It’s not uva they didn’t want, they didn’t want that to be the result of their effort or they would have modified their effort.

Again, had they “modified their effort” they wouldn’t have gotten in.

I don’t think that’s really true. There is a different level of working commitment needed to be in the running for a top 10 school versus UVA. You can still be well academically without having to kill yourself on the research and extracurricular funds in creating worldwide impact. And still get into UVA. I say this is someone from out of state. The kids from our private who get into UVA and end up there do not have other top tier options.
Same for Michigan.

Since this is anonymous I will just say this frankly. The sub-set of kids that are very smart, popular, non-geeky, social, and sporty choose Michigan or UVA over “top tier” options due to fit. They want top academics, Greek life, parties, huge sports events in a fun college town. That just isn’t happening at most top schools these days. People say Duke or Northwestern are still like this, but that is not we are hearing from kids that currently attend.

They aren’t “choosing” uva over a top tier school, they are either applying there (to go with a safer top choice rather than risking throwing away an ed at a highly rejective school) OR were rejected from a better ranked school (and still not choosing uva).

It’s a great school, but the kids who worked really hard in HS often want the chance at a better ranked school, esp if cost is not a factor.

Not choosing to apply is, in fact, choosing. Your premise is that they are only applying to UVA or Michigan because it is safer or they couldn’t get into anything better. The arrogance is insane here. Some kids PREFER a large state school. Smart kids that have just as much of a chance at an Ivy as the kids getting into Ivies.

Uh, of course applying to uva over an ivy is a safer option. How can you say it is not?

Do you think if you took the top ranked kids from HS who are going to uva and said: you can uva or Yale, no risks, you’re in and can afford only one, almost all would say uva? Almost none?