How to forgive spouse for initiating a gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

No one thinks that’s why. Most people assume he’s self centered.

They just think he was mostly checked out but didn’t want to be bogged down with custody time and that she was a good mom. So do it when launching last kid.

Otherwise yes, mainly women file when they are sick of doing everything and don’t want that post teenagers either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

This article says absolutely nothing about why men file if and when they do.

Thx for playing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry u can barely talk to him

Don’t forgive him, he’s a narcissist. I bet every decision he made over the last 25 years only had to do about him and was for him. He was never a family man or a true father or true husband.

Take time and process this all.

Take the money, talk with the kids- tell the exactly what happened here, then take a 6 month around the world cruise to celebrate and heal.

More psychotic talk. Stop projecting. You don’t know these people. It’s more likely she’s the problem if he filed.

Men file early on if wife is unwell mentally.

Jerk men file gray divorce after the free childcare and housekeeping, to get another young bite at the apple.

And most men don’t marry ever and have children out of wedlock either multiple women. Let’s not forget that 30% contingent!

No man filing a grey divorce wants a new family. He might need to contend with that if he finds a new wife who is in her thirties or something. But usually a man initiating a grey divorce has been done with his wife for legitimate reasons for a long time, especially if she is bitter, angry all the time, is hypercritical or otherwise unpleasant. This goes double if she got fat and/or the bedroom is dead.

This is especially true for good fathers. They stay until the kids are launched and then are ready to live again and they don’t want to spend the rest of their days with a woman who treats them like shit.

So they leave. It’s not that hard to figure out.

No one claims men leave to start a new family, though they often do just that.

They leave because they failed at their marriage with kids, and never wanted to do the work to improve themselves. So hit the Easy Button.

[Anonymous]

They do looooooove to pretend to be the victim and such a goooood dad. Whatever that means.

[Anonymous]

OP, all you need to be is cordial. That's all you should expect from yourself, at this time, when you are around him. This "forgiveness" talk is ridiculous. And it harms you. It will keep you from getting your needs met, legally. Lawyer-up with dignity.

You are probably thinking you need to be able to forgive before moving-on. Stop! Stop with all this focus on your emotions towards him. This is the time to be very very practical.

There will be years ahead to grant or not choose to grant forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

No one thinks that’s why. Most people assume he’s self centered.

They just think he was mostly checked out but didn’t want to be bogged down with custody time and that she was a good mom. So do it when launching last kid.

Otherwise yes, mainly women file when they are sick of doing everything and don’t want that post teenagers either.

Are you besties with OP? How do you know “no one” thinks that? Ask the guys on this board — lots of them probably think that she must be toxic.

[Anonymous]

I assume the bedroom was long dead?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP.

It’s time to focus on you and rebuilding a new, good life. You will no longer have to put energy into him and into a relationship that wasn’t 100%. It’s scary and it’s anger-inducing to have this happen to you. Your best revenge and best way forward is to think about yourself. We only get one life, so you, too, can think about finding more passion and fulfillment.

Your kids will be ok but don’t get roped into having to be the primary face of this divorce or to covering for him in whatever way. He initiated this and he can bear the consequences with the kids. Tell the kids together if possible. Stay friendly with your in-laws if possible for the kids’ sake.

Get a good lawyer and protect yourself financially.

Right now you can aim for being polite to him, but you don’t have to act widely toward him anymore or take care of him and his needs in any way. His feelings are now not your problem.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes 18 months ago. But after the initial shock I realized I actually felt incredible relief. See if that's in there somewhere. Your life, my life no longer look like what we assumed they would look like and the divorce process continues to be brutal because not only does my ex want the grey divorce, he also wants to extract blood. AND STILL I am thankful every day that the lie is over and I get to build my life now on my terms. Yes I have taken a huge financial hit. Some days that feels terrifying but most days it's manageable. I got a therapist immediately and focused on myself and not much on his motivations for abruptly ending a decades long marriage. It's an interesting process. I'm dating again now. It's fun and low stakes. But that's down the road in your journey.

I'll never understand why my ex chooses to behave the way he does and and frankly, that's not my problem.

The early days post-separation were pretty awful but I fought back hard...by taking care of myself. Also, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Even 18 months later so many people in my life are still hurt and baffled by my ex's behavior. It's confusing to them, too, that he's not the person they thought he was. I set a clear boundary with other people. "I'm working on my own stuff. I can't give you a nice neat explanation. Just accept that who he is now was always in there somewhere and we all missed the signs."

Sending you virtual hugs. I found DCUM when my marriage imploded. Some people here are amazing, many are awful. Ignore the awful and take the support wherever you find it.

[Anonymous]

There’s no need to forgive, and it’s best you don’t. They will regret this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

No one thinks that’s why. Most people assume he’s self centered.

They just think he was mostly checked out but didn’t want to be bogged down with custody time and that she was a good mom. So do it when launching last kid.

Otherwise yes, mainly women file when they are sick of doing everything and don’t want that post teenagers either.

Are you besties with OP? How do you know “no one” thinks that? Ask the guys on this board — lots of them probably think that she must be toxic.

True- no one knows either of them

Also true - she said he’s all about himself (me me me) so he selfishly used her to keep house and raise kids, that is done, and now he discards her.

[Anonymous]

No one really cares that he didn’t pitch in much and that resulted in everyone thinking less of him in the household so he clocked out.

Selfish people be selfish. At least he’s consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume the bedroom was long dead?

Slave mom wasn’t putting out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

I’m a woman in this situation and I am indeed angry because my mentally ill exDH who initiated a nearly-gray divorce was a pretty awful person and I was staying in our marriage to be the human shield for our kids. Now exDH is benefiting from the “she must be crazy because no college-educated women get a divorce initiated against them” assumption and he has shifted to picking on the kids, relentlessly.

OP, people are going to make nasty assumptions. I think what I mourn more than the money or my sacrificed opportunity (but never more than our kids’ childhoods) is how exDH “stole” my reputation. My close friends and a few surprising acquaintances remained supportive, but I still feel diminished by how being the woman who was left and the “she must have been psycho” script has affected others’ perception of me.