How to forgive spouse for initiating a gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

On the other side of this you will find a beautiful life. One that feels like yours and not being dragged by his needs. Give yourself all the time you need to feel all the things. Get a lawyer with no morals as well to sick on Mr 25 again.

[Anonymous]

It sucks. It's allowed to suck.

You say he's selfish. In time, you will realize how much easier it is to take care of only yourself. You'll see how much you subordinated your own needs and desires to try to make him happy.

Forgiveness is a personal choice and not a moral mandate. You can deal with that at a later time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - married 26 years. I get logically he deserves to be happy, but blowing up my life at this stage at almost 54 is beyond me.

Please tell us all the things he did to reignite your marriage, the trips, the intimacy card game, the therapy sessions and the Gottman books he initiated?
Be honest, this didn’t come out of nowhere.

DP

He wanted more passion and attention!

Those pesky three kids and damn 5000 sq house and yard. That just kept wifey too busy and him away more.

Sounds like a real team player. Good riddance to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling that you are refusing to accept his agency in your relationship…

He stayed long enough for you to do all the free childcare, cooking, running of the household, cleaning, raising & launching the kids.

Now his pretending to be a husband and father are more formally over.

Let the playtime commence!

He also stayed long enough to give her a significant chunk of assets, pension, etc. so even if she did all that, that work wasn’t free to him.

Who said she didn’t work her butt off at the office too? And ran all the investments out of savings sweeps. 50/50 is just that, nothing more. But she may get more, depending on his trajectory at work. And vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling that you are refusing to accept his agency in your relationship…

What do you mean? I understand he needs to be happy but I’m still pissed since I sacrificied a lot.

Let this be a lesson to younger women - do not sacrifice more than you are willing to.

This

And go shopping often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to forgive him.

Forgive yourself for being mad. It's understandable you're mad. Let yourself feel your anger, talk to someone about it (therapist, friend, someone) but release yourself from it.

Someone once did something really awful to me and they never apologized or even took responsibility for it. For a long time I kept telling myself I had to forgive them (partly because other people kept telling me I'd never move on if I didn't forgive them). But I couldn't! How can you forgive someone who isn't even sorry for the harm they caused?

But then one day I decided to just accept that I couldn't forgive them, and I decided it was fine, and that gave me the release I needed to move on. Some people suck. You don't have to let them off the hook (they can figure that out themselves) but you can let yourself off the hook.

Wishing you peace, OP.

Forgiveness isn’t letting them off the hook for what they did. It’s admitting that this is your life now, you have to move on and make the best of it for yourself so they can’t steal anymore joy from your life than they already have. They won’t ever see what they did as wrong, but you can live a life according to your values and choose better people to be close to going forward.

PP here. We are saying the same thing. I have personally found that not trying to frame this as "forgiveness" is easier because I'd get hung up on it being something I was a giving someone who didn't deserve it. I thought of it as just letting go of them and focusing on my own well being. I never really forgave but I did move on.

+1

Acceptance does not equal forgiveness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to forgive him for anything? That’s an odd thing to be fixated on. He is no longer your problem so you can forgive or not forgive, as you please. Unless there is some kind of religious value at play, there’s no reason for you to feel like you need to forgive him.

Obviously you should do what you can to move on and not be mired in negative feelings.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. Get all the money you can.

And I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will find yourself again and create a new life that will most likely be much richer and more meaningful than the one you would’ve had with him.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a mid life crisis!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a mid life crisis!

Pretty much. Immaturity and thankfulness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry u can barely talk to him

Don’t forgive him, he’s a narcissist. I bet every decision he made over the last 25 years only had to do about him and was for him. He was never a family man or a true father or true husband.

Take time and process this all.

Take the money, talk with the kids- tell the exactly what happened here, then take a 6 month around the world cruise to celebrate and heal.

More psychotic talk. Stop projecting. You don’t know these people. It’s more likely she’s the problem if he filed.

Men file early on if wife is unwell mentally.

Jerk men file gray divorce after the free childcare and housekeeping, to get another young bite at the apple.

And most men don’t marry ever and have children out of wedlock either multiple women. Let’s not forget that 30% contingent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a mid life crisis!

Sounds like a self-centered jerk unmasking for others finally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry u can barely talk to him

Don’t forgive him, he’s a narcissist. I bet every decision he made over the last 25 years only had to do about him and was for him. He was never a family man or a true father or true husband.

Take time and process this all.

Take the money, talk with the kids- tell the exactly what happened here, then take a 6 month around the world cruise to celebrate and heal.

More psychotic talk. Stop projecting. You don’t know these people. It’s more likely she’s the problem if he filed.

Men file early on if wife is unwell mentally.

Jerk men file gray divorce after the free childcare and housekeeping, to get another young bite at the apple.

And most men don’t marry ever and have children out of wedlock either multiple women. Let’s not forget that 30% contingent!

No man filing a grey divorce wants a new family. He might need to contend with that if he finds a new wife who is in her thirties or something. But usually a man initiating a grey divorce has been done with his wife for legitimate reasons for a long time, especially if she is bitter, angry all the time, is hypercritical or otherwise unpleasant. This goes double if she got fat and/or the bedroom is dead.

This is especially true for good fathers. They stay until the kids are launched and then are ready to live again and they don’t want to spend the rest of their days with a woman who treats them like shit.

So they leave. It’s not that hard to figure out.