How to forgive spouse for initiating a gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see really well-groomed and put together older men and I can’t tell if the woman across the table from them is their wife or their mother. I also see couples where the husband and wife both look the same age. However, I rarely see couples where the wife looks younger and better than the husband unless the husband is ultra-wealthy. I believe in some cases where the wife looks better and younger, they are younger by nine or ten years. People are usually not aware of the age difference unless they are super close to the couple.

Where are you? I'm in NW DC and see tons of old men with wrinkled skin and potbellies at restaurants with women who look a little to A LOT younger. The women are usually pretty slim and their faces look younger. Could be because in these areas women have the time and money to go to have personal trainers and go to med spas.

I agree. Anywhere I go where I am around people with money, the woman looks younger because they have cosmetic dermatologists, hair stylists, pilates, and great clothes. I almost never see a couple where the man looks younger, and when I do, it's because he is younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see really well-groomed and put together older men and I can’t tell if the woman across the table from them is their wife or their mother. I also see couples where the husband and wife both look the same age. However, I rarely see couples where the wife looks younger and better than the husband unless the husband is ultra-wealthy. I believe in some cases where the wife looks better and younger, they are younger by nine or ten years. People are usually not aware of the age difference unless they are super close to the couple.

Where are you? I'm in NW DC and see tons of old men with wrinkled skin and potbellies at restaurants with women who look a little to A LOT younger. The women are usually pretty slim and their faces look younger. Could be because in these areas women have the time and money to go to have personal trainers and go to med spas.

I agree. Anywhere I go where I am around people with money, the woman looks younger because they have cosmetic dermatologists, hair stylists, pilates, and great clothes. I almost never see a couple where the man looks younger, and when I do, it's because he is younger.

Daddy Warbucks and Aunt Mar-a-Lago!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see really well-groomed and put together older men and I can’t tell if the woman across the table from them is their wife or their mother. I also see couples where the husband and wife both look the same age. However, I rarely see couples where the wife looks younger and better than the husband unless the husband is ultra-wealthy. I believe in some cases where the wife looks better and younger, they are younger by nine or ten years. People are usually not aware of the age difference unless they are super close to the couple.

Where are you? I'm in NW DC and see tons of old men with wrinkled skin and potbellies at restaurants with women who look a little to A LOT younger. The women are usually pretty slim and their faces look younger. Could be because in these areas women have the time and money to go to have personal trainers and go to med spas.

I agree. Anywhere I go where I am around people with money, the woman looks younger because they have cosmetic dermatologists, hair stylists, pilates, and great clothes. I almost never see a couple where the man looks younger, and when I do, it's because he is younger.

Daddy Warbucks and Aunt Mar-a-Lago!

That's one version, but in most upper-class circles outside of MAGA, it's more like Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk or Julianne Moore (can you believe she's 65?) and Bart Freundlich (he's still very handsome, but he looks older than Julianne and he's only 56 to her 65). Most women go for a more subtle, natural look.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend told me that I don't have enough gray in my hair. He also told me that I took too long to get gray hair and he's even older than me and has less gray in his hair than I have in mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what if you reframe this whole situation as seeing that he did you a favor? Men have a shorter lifespan, so if you stayed together, you're statistically more likely to be his caretaker. On the other hand, men often leave or cheat when their wives get sick, so he likely wouldn't have been there for you, anyway. So, in this case, he can go spend his half of the marital assets on younger women for a few years and die alone and poor. And you can take your half of the marital assets and live a responsible life and spend your time with your kids and your friends with no grouchy old man to clean up after, cook for, or run to doctor's appointments. He may seem like he's "winning," but it won't last - men fall off a cliff around 60, and at that point, he'll just be a lonely, grouchy old man, alienated from his family and probably many of his friends. Try to see it as a good thing, because it might be.

What a wonderful fairy tale!

Men are lucky in that they hold on to peak attractiveness and masculinity until about age 50, after which it’s a steady, rapid decline, and this is backed by a wide body of research. It is biological – women drop at 40 when they are past childbearing potential – men drop at 50 when they are no longer masculine and perceived by women as father material. Testosterone declines 1% per year starting at 30. By 60, men are invisible to younger women, and it takes a significant amount of money to overcome the signs of aging that hit around 60, like sarcopenia, hair loss, hearing loss, sun damaged skin including age/liver spots and deep wrinkles, bad breath, bad posture, slower metabolism, plus they have reduced energy, cognitive decline, weird hairs in ears, nose and bushy eyebrows. Instead of masculine provider energy, they give off grumpy, declining old-man who needs a nurse energy.

And be sure to check out the dripping flesh and zero muscle tone of the semiglutides men age 40-60!

Gross

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry u can barely talk to him

I know a couple people who have done this. A few, actually, now that I'm thinking about it. And your exDH should be careful what he wishes for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend told me that I don't have enough gray in my hair. He also told me that I took too long to get gray hair and he's even older than me and has less gray in his hair than I have in mine.

Uh oh, girl. Is he gonna dump you?

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, you arent alone. My husband just told me that he wants a divorce. He is literally in a midlife crisis and cannot take responsibility for his contributions, or lack thereof, to our marriage. I’d work to rebuild. I wanted to. He says he loves me and cares deeply for me and has no animosity - but doesn’t have romantic feelings. Unbelievable.

I am devastated and angry. One in college, the other in high school. I put my career in the back burner for him. I never in a million years believed he would do this. I thought he would come around and try to work it out.

[Anonymous]

I know a few guys who did well after a late in life divorce- they married younger women who didn't want kids, traveled, had all kinds of fun adventures. They were quite wealthy, but I'm sure that had *nothing* to do with it.

I love my DH57, and while his introversion, high cholesterol, CPAP, 9:30 bedtime, and increasingly rigid disposition are perfect for me, I'm not sure a hot thirty year old is down for all of that fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, you arent alone. My husband just told me that he wants a divorce. He is literally in a midlife crisis and cannot take responsibility for his contributions, or lack thereof, to our marriage. I’d work to rebuild. I wanted to. He says he loves me and cares deeply for me and has no animosity - but doesn’t have romantic feelings. Unbelievable.

I am devastated and angry. One in college, the other in high school. I put my career in the back burner for him. I never in a million years believed he would do this. I thought he would come around and try to work it out.

Sit back and see if he files and you get a letter or email from his lawyer.

If he met someone else already, he’ll do the paperwork.

If he didn’t yet, he won’t and hope you do.

Watch and learn.

[Anonymous]

True life partners have to value themselves, one another, and the institution of marriage. Without both partners valuing all of the above, the marriage will fail in one way or another.

Transactional marriages don't work - we're not owed loyalty or happiness. It has to be equitable and honorable. I've been married for 25 years and some of it not so great- these are things I've learned.

All that said OP, I encourage you to care for your children and prioritize your needs from this moment forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, you arent alone. My husband just told me that he wants a divorce. He is literally in a midlife crisis and cannot take responsibility for his contributions, or lack thereof, to our marriage. I’d work to rebuild. I wanted to. He says he loves me and cares deeply for me and has no animosity - but doesn’t have romantic feelings. Unbelievable.

I am devastated and angry. One in college, the other in high school. I put my career in the back burner for him. I never in a million years believed he would do this. I thought he would come around and try to work it out.

Sit back and see if he files and you get a letter or email from his lawyer.

If he met someone else already, he’ll do the paperwork.

If he didn’t yet, he won’t and hope you do.

Watch and learn.

So true. This happened to me and mine made things so miserable that I filled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what's a gray divorce?

Google it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, you arent alone. My husband just told me that he wants a divorce. He is literally in a midlife crisis and cannot take responsibility for his contributions, or lack thereof, to our marriage. I’d work to rebuild. I wanted to. He says he loves me and cares deeply for me and has no animosity - but doesn’t have romantic feelings. Unbelievable.

I am devastated and angry. One in college, the other in high school. I put my career in the back burner for him. I never in a million years believed he would do this. I thought he would come around and try to work it out.

I know the pain and betrayal of that last sentence.

I’m three years out and i still grieve, but I am appreciating the sense of freedom and clarity that the process has brought.

But it is a process, so be kind and patient with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, you arent alone. My husband just told me that he wants a divorce. He is literally in a midlife crisis and cannot take responsibility for his contributions, or lack thereof, to our marriage. I’d work to rebuild. I wanted to. He says he loves me and cares deeply for me and has no animosity - but doesn’t have romantic feelings. Unbelievable.

I am devastated and angry. One in college, the other in high school. I put my career in the back burner for him. I never in a million years believed he would do this. I thought he would come around and try to work it out.

Sit back and see if he files and you get a letter or email from his lawyer.

If he met someone else already, he’ll do the paperwork.

If he didn’t yet, he won’t and hope you do.

Watch and learn.

So true. This happened to me and mine made things so miserable that I filled.

Fascinating…I’m separated due to my ex wanting a divorce. He’s not filed anything, nor have I. He keeps saying he wants it done, but hasn’t done anything.

He’s not greedy and still carries me on his insurance so I have no motivation to act and have just focused on my own future planning.

I hadn’t realized this is common.