How to forgive spouse for initiating a gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

That’s weird. I would never assume that about a mom.

Maybe that’s because I see through performative narcissists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

I’m a woman in this situation and I am indeed angry because my mentally ill exDH who initiated a nearly-gray divorce was a pretty awful person and I was staying in our marriage to be the human shield for our kids. Now exDH is benefiting from the “she must be crazy because no college-educated women get a divorce initiated against them” assumption and he has shifted to picking on the kids, relentlessly.

OP, people are going to make nasty assumptions. I think what I mourn more than the money or my sacrificed opportunity (but never more than our kids’ childhoods) is how exDH “stole” my reputation. My close friends and a few surprising acquaintances remained supportive, but I still feel diminished by how being the woman who was left and the “she must have been psycho” script has affected others’ perception of me.

Never heard about nor saw this fake assumption you keep harping about in this thread, under different personas.
Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Yeah, for passion, but nothing else.

My 52-year old male friend is dating and the women he is currently with is 30, attractive, but a nut job and loser in the career field (she works as a part-time receptionist). She wants kids and a husband to pay for everything. So, I mean, "lots of prospects" but no real winners.

[Anonymous]

Ah, the woe-is-me, drifted apart, gray divorced men reputation. Needs no introduction. No gracias.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming the couple is college educated, this situation is an outlier.

https://www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20nearly%2070%20percent,number%20jumps%20up%20to%2090%25.

Maybe she’s mad partly because he flipped the script, and people will assume there must be something toxic about her for her husband to push the eject button, since “everybody” knows college-educated men rarely initiate divorces.

No one thinks that’s why. Most people assume he’s self centered.

They just think he was mostly checked out but didn’t want to be bogged down with custody time and that she was a good mom. So do it when launching last kid.

Otherwise yes, mainly women file when they are sick of doing everything and don’t want that post teenagers either.

Are you besties with OP? How do you know “no one” thinks that? Ask the guys on this board — lots of them probably think that she must be toxic.

True- no one knows either of them

Also true - she said he’s all about himself (me me me) so he selfishly used her to keep house and raise kids, that is done, and now he discards her.

Well, of course she's going to say that. She's trying to cast herself in the best light and gain sympathy. But the fact that she's demonizing him is a big clue as to her personal integrity.

I'd be willing to bet you a nickel he doesn't bad mouth her to others when talking about why he wants divorce. She already said the reason he gave is he thinks they grew apart. I promise you there are many other frustrations he has with her, but he has more dignity and keeps those thoughts to himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry u can barely talk to him

Don’t forgive him, he’s a narcissist. I bet every decision he made over the last 25 years only had to do about him and was for him. He was never a family man or a true father or true husband.

Take time and process this all.

Take the money, talk with the kids- tell the exactly what happened here, then take a 6 month around the world cruise to celebrate and heal.

More psychotic talk. Stop projecting. You don’t know these people. It’s more likely she’s the problem if he filed.

Men file early on if wife is unwell mentally.

Jerk men file gray divorce after the free childcare and housekeeping, to get another young bite at the apple.

And most men don’t marry ever and have children out of wedlock either multiple women. Let’s not forget that 30% contingent!

No man filing a grey divorce wants a new family. He might need to contend with that if he finds a new wife who is in her thirties or something. But usually a man initiating a grey divorce has been done with his wife for legitimate reasons for a long time, especially if she is bitter, angry all the time, is hypercritical or otherwise unpleasant. This goes double if she got fat and/or the bedroom is dead.

This is especially true for good fathers. They stay until the kids are launched and then are ready to live again and they don’t want to spend the rest of their days with a woman who treats them like shit.

So they leave. It’s not that hard to figure out.

No one claims men leave to start a new family, though they often do just that.

They leave because they failed at their marriage with kids, and never wanted to do the work to improve themselves. So hit the Easy Button.

Except, they don't. What's the stat -- 65% to 75% of divorces are initated by women? And among college-educated women, it's 90%? So, your caricature doesn't really square with the data.

A man in that 10% really has to have good reasons and isn't doing it on a whim.

Women generally are more whimsical when it comes to filing. They're more likely to assume the grass is greener and they confuse the man with being the cause of their unhappiness.

You know the old maxim: Men will sacrifice their happiness for their families. Women will sacrifice their families for their happiness.

lol.

False on all accounts and totally backwards.

Thx for playing. Hope you find someone who buys all your BS someday, it seems that’s all you got to offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry u can barely talk to him

Don’t forgive him, he’s a narcissist. I bet every decision he made over the last 25 years only had to do about him and was for him. He was never a family man or a true father or true husband.

Take time and process this all.

Take the money, talk with the kids- tell the exactly what happened here, then take a 6 month around the world cruise to celebrate and heal.

More psychotic talk. Stop projecting. You don’t know these people. It’s more likely she’s the problem if he filed.

Men file early on if wife is unwell mentally.

Jerk men file gray divorce after the free childcare and housekeeping, to get another young bite at the apple.

And most men don’t marry ever and have children out of wedlock either multiple women. Let’s not forget that 30% contingent!

No man filing a grey divorce wants a new family. He might need to contend with that if he finds a new wife who is in her thirties or something. But usually a man initiating a grey divorce has been done with his wife for legitimate reasons for a long time, especially if she is bitter, angry all the time, is hypercritical or otherwise unpleasant. This goes double if she got fat and/or the bedroom is dead.

This is especially true for good fathers. They stay until the kids are launched and then are ready to live again and they don’t want to spend the rest of their days with a woman who treats them like shit.

So they leave. It’s not that hard to figure out.

No one claims men leave to start a new family, though they often do just that.

They leave because they failed at their marriage with kids, and never wanted to do the work to improve themselves. So hit the Easy Button.

Except, they don't. What's the stat -- 65% to 75% of divorces are initated by women? And among college-educated women, it's 90%? So, your caricature doesn't really square with the data.

A man in that 10% really has to have good reasons and isn't doing it on a whim.

Women generally are more whimsical when it comes to filing. They're more likely to assume the grass is greener and they confuse the man with being the cause of their unhappiness.

You know the old maxim: Men will sacrifice their happiness for their families. Women will sacrifice their families for their happiness.

lol.

False on all accounts and totally backwards.

Thx for playing. Hope you find someone who buys all your BS someday, it seems that’s all you got to offer.

Oh, honey. Bless your heart. Your flippancy isn't an argument and it's not convincing. If all you know how to do is lash out emotionally, it's no wonder someone left you.

[Anonymous]

Men bop around to whomever takes care of them the most. The end. Mommy, wifey, new GF.

Maybe they throw some money around too but not actual care for children or adult children or life partnerships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so angry u can barely talk to him

Don’t forgive him, he’s a narcissist. I bet every decision he made over the last 25 years only had to do about him and was for him. He was never a family man or a true father or true husband.

Take time and process this all.

Take the money, talk with the kids- tell the exactly what happened here, then take a 6 month around the world cruise to celebrate and heal.

More psychotic talk. Stop projecting. You don’t know these people. It’s more likely she’s the problem if he filed.

Men file early on if wife is unwell mentally.

Jerk men file gray divorce after the free childcare and housekeeping, to get another young bite at the apple.

And most men don’t marry ever and have children out of wedlock either multiple women. Let’s not forget that 30% contingent!

No man filing a grey divorce wants a new family. He might need to contend with that if he finds a new wife who is in her thirties or something. But usually a man initiating a grey divorce has been done with his wife for legitimate reasons for a long time, especially if she is bitter, angry all the time, is hypercritical or otherwise unpleasant. This goes double if she got fat and/or the bedroom is dead.

This is especially true for good fathers. They stay until the kids are launched and then are ready to live again and they don’t want to spend the rest of their days with a woman who treats them like shit.

So they leave. It’s not that hard to figure out.

No one claims men leave to start a new family, though they often do just that.

They leave because they failed at their marriage with kids, and never wanted to do the work to improve themselves. So hit the Easy Button.

Except, they don't. What's the stat -- 65% to 75% of divorces are initated by women? And among college-educated women, it's 90%? So, your caricature doesn't really square with the data.

A man in that 10% really has to have good reasons and isn't doing it on a whim.

Women generally are more whimsical when it comes to filing. They're more likely to assume the grass is greener and they confuse the man with being the cause of their unhappiness.

You know the old maxim: Men will sacrifice their happiness for their families. Women will sacrifice their families for their happiness.

There is no “old maxim” that says that. Plus it doesn’t even make sense.

Men stay and continue to do nothing when kids are on the scene because they are lazy, avoidant; and busy doing other things (like more work).

Then they muster up an easy, fast boilerplate gray divorce later when all the hard family work is over, courtesy of the spouse. Why? Because they deserve better. Someone to adore them! Enjoy their money with! Companionship! Play holiday time with the adult kids! Easy way out indeed.

[Anonymous]

I see no reason OP needs to offer forgiveness. But unfortunately she does need to formulate a plan to move forward. It’s fair to be angry but it doesn’t change the situation.

[Anonymous]

Women aren’t happy doing everything.

Women are sacrificing their happiness, for their kids.

Men are happy at work, happy with their family guy facade at home, and happy to continue to nothing but provide a paycheck and happy to kick their first wife to the curb after child rearing days are over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling that you are refusing to accept his agency in your relationship…

What do you mean? I understand he needs to be happy but I’m still pissed since I sacrificied a lot.

I mean it’s his decision to not be with you, just like it was your decision to sacrifice a lot.
We can’t be mad at others when they make decisions that pertain to their own self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Yeah, for passion, but nothing else.

My 52-year old male friend is dating and the women he is currently with is 30, attractive, but a nut job and loser in the career field (she works as a part-time receptionist). She wants kids and a husband to pay for everything. So, I mean, "lots of prospects" but no real winners.

You are 100% right, I am in this for the fun, all the stuff that happens in the first couple months or maybe two years tops. I am never going to help regulate a woman’s emotions, I am not going to be a dumping ground for anxiety, I’m not going to listen about something her sister did. I’ll be a great boyfriend but as soon as it stops being 75% fun we’re done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - married 26 years. I get logically he deserves to be happy, but blowing up my life at this stage at almost 54 is beyond me.

He is not focused on your life. He is focused on his own. As a woman, that may be something you have not practiced much. But now is the time.

It is a normal first reaction to be angry. But eventually you need to move on to what will you do with this unanticipated opportunity. The rest of your life is your to control . Not what you expected to manage solo. But it may in fact be better than it would have been with him in tow. Money is just one element of your life, and not the most important.

Try to find a counselor who can help you work through your anger, grief and fears. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women aren’t happy doing everything.

Women are sacrificing their happiness, for their kids.

Men are happy at work, happy with their family guy facade at home, and happy to continue to nothing but provide a paycheck and happy to kick their first wife to the curb after child rearing days are over.

I am a woman but men have their own share of unhappiness too, I would not envy them in the least.
It’s their right to not be with someone they are tired of. There are laws protecting lower earning spouses.