How to forgive spouse for initiating a gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

Yep. And guess what? All the divorces of my friends have involved very unequal partnerships. Those of us who are equal are still together.

Maybe in your bubble. The divorced couples I know are not unequal in terms of income. The women always worked and in some cases earned more than the men, and the men decided shortly before retirement that they needed "more freedom". All of them (men) immediately found new partners. It was always the men who left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yep. And guess what? All the divorces of my friends have involved very unequal partnerships. Those of us who are equal are still together.

Maybe in your bubble. The divorced couples I know are not unequal in terms of income. The women always worked and in some cases earned more than the men, and the men decided shortly before retirement that they needed "more freedom". All of them (men) immediately found new partners. It was always the men who left.
Similar here.

Educated, both worked, husband checked out of family life to work more, then either passive aggressively made married life so horrible the wife filed or he suddenly feigned being a victim of her not worshipping him and filed.

In 4 of the 5 cases the divorced dad had and continues to have a very shallow relationship with his kids, and promptly went on a dating and spending spree. Money not an issue for either ex spouse.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]

Yep. And guess what? All the divorces of my friends have involved very unequal partnerships. Those of us who are equal are still together. [/quote]

Maybe in your bubble. The divorced couples I know are not unequal in terms of income. The women always worked and in some cases earned more than the men, and the men decided shortly before retirement that they needed "more freedom". All of them (men) immediately found new partners. It was always the men who left. [/quote]

Similar here. Man checked out of marriage & family, then the woman did.

Educated, both worked, husband checked out of family life to work more, then either passive aggressively made married life so horrible the wife filed or he suddenly feigned being a victim of her not worshipping him and filed.

In 4 of the 5 cases the divorced dad had and continues to have a very shallow relationship with his kids, and promptly went on a dating and spending spree. Money not an issue for either ex spouse

[Anonymous]

Similar here.

Educated, both worked, husband checked out of family life to work more, then either passive aggressively made married life so horrible the wife filed or he suddenly feigned being a victim of her not worshipping him and filed.

In 4 of the 5 cases the divorced dad had and continues to have a very shallow relationship with his kids, and promptly went on a dating and spending spree. Money not an issue for either ex spouse

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s telling that you are refusing to accept his agency in your relationship…

What do you mean? I understand he needs to be happy but I’m still pissed since I sacrificied a lot.

Look up the meaning of "agency." You can't control his actions, thoughts or feelings.

Agency, like how for years he chose to do very little for the house, yard, kids and spouse? Got it.

DP. You had the agency to leave him then.

Yes everyone knows that.

Once you procreate with a loser or abuser his rights trump the children’s rights, in every states family law and court.

So you pick from an handful of bad options. And worse, the kids can’t divorce him. At best when they’re older they can set strong boundaries and stay away.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 20 and 17, and so many of their friends' parents are divorcing in their 50s. Definitely lots of couples just holding it together just until the kids go to college.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

So he used you and now he’s legally moving on.

Did he cheat as well? Family life too boring and time consuming so stayed focus on himself, work and sex elsewhere. ? .

Won’t your kids see through this and think less of him? I can’t imagine anyone wanting this for their daughter in her future.

Didn’t cheat physically maybe a bit emotionally. Yes def wants fun, adventure, passion, excitement, vitality etc. already traveled a lot over the years. Very into self development. Kids i can’t imagine the emotional turmoil. I’m not even engaging with that yet.

Sorry OP but he IS cheating physically...take it from someone who is your age and stage and recently found out. Took me a while to come in terms with it but I have initiated divorce. You did a great job with the kids who are now adults, and they will stand by you!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would think grey divorce is more often initiated by women? I mean, once the kids are raised and off to college, they can walk away with half the marital assets, drop their adult man-child, and finally live for themselves. Casual dating is generally easier for women than men at any age, provided a woman is fit and takes care of herself.

Dating is much easier for men in their fifties than it is for women. Women in their fifties are invisible.

How is dating for men in their sixties? Is that their invisibility threshold?

Based on the number of dads at our private who are in their early or mid 60s with preschoolers, I don’t think 60 magically closes a door for men unless the are poor.

That just means that they could buy a certain type of spouse.

It does not mean they found love, or a mother for their children who has sound values.

Bra size does not correlate with quality.

+1000

The dad I know in his mid-50's who is dating a 29-year old (who wants kids) will be broke from his divorce once it's over and will still have children from his first marriage he will need to provide for. But his girlfriend is dumb and desperate so there you go.

See Melania for an example of the warmth and devotion those men can expect from their trophy wives when they are old and frail.

😂

But you only get that level of 'warmth and devotion' if you're as rich and powerful as Donald Trump. Lesser (measured only by wealth and power) men get lesser warmth and devotion from their trophy wives.

Is less even possible?

She clearly detests the guy. The disdain is written all over her face.

Barely lives with him. Allegedly insisted on improving the terms of her prenup before she would agree to move back into the White House.

At least she has some dignity.

And yes, even less warmth and more disdain is possible and that's what poorer men get.

Dignity? She is a well paid prostitute.

Who has squandered her high profile position.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How old are you and your soon to be exdh? Is there enough money for retirement? Reasons for the gray divorce?
The answers to these questions has implications for whether forgiveness is possible.

53, 3 kids 18,20,22
Financial issues and not enough for retirement but not dire.
He wants more passion and feels we have grown apart.

Yeah, “passion”. If he isn’t already cheating he has prospects lined up.

HAHAHAHA. How many prospects does a pathetic mid-50s guy have?

Lots of them, I fit your description and life has been great since separation. Bonus was discovering I didn’t need cialis like I did when I was married !

Guess what. If you stay with the same partner long enough you will. It is human biology.

But pretend you are some victorious stud if that image makes you feel better.

Others have more lofty personal ambitions.

Not a stud, this isn’t about conquest. This is about a man leading an examined life, realizing where his limitations are, conveying them to his partners and living purely for the pursuit of joy. I did the hard years now I’m gonna do the fun ones.
I have a good relationship with my children, their mother and I have treated each other fairly and respectfully, I harbor no ill will and have happily stepped in a number of times as she’s needed me.
I may very well die alone, but I will not die hungry for life.

Okay grasshopper.

My point to you is that the first things sex therapists in training learn is that having a new partner (ie, novelty) often cures sexual dysfunction.

It is not some sign of progress on your part or failure on the part of your ex.

Of course it isn’t a sign of progress, it’s merely showing headspace and frame, I’m happy, I am extremely attracted and there is no baggage or even a whiff of resentment in my relationships. This is how I plan to continue on until I can no longer, like I said I may very well die alone but that’s the trade-off.

I may change my mind someday and I may get my heart smashed, but I’m not going to live in neutral, wondering when I’ll need to defend against the next resentment that is finally voiced 20 years after the fact.

My words will be picked apart endlessly but all I’m saying is that OP’s husband wasn’t happy, I’m sure he tried lots of things to get the marriage back on track but she may not have seen the urgency. Men tend to work on things quietly without stating how important they are, OP either missed or didn’t care about the signals and this is the result.

I mean no disrespect to her or her husband but this probably could’ve been prevented. Hopefully this is just the spark that reunited them with a greater level of mutual curiosity but maybe it won’t.

Only a man would write this drivel. The husband was biding his time till the last kid was launched to open his own parachute.

If he is anything like me he was waiting for the last kid to leave the nest, but had been unhappy for decades. I still have a couple of years to go before my gray divorce is filed. My wife was a SAHM for most of our marriage and a good mom, but as spouses we had a difficult road. She felt unfulfilled and lonely in perimenopause and her behaviors during that time created the kind of issues that require building a new relationship.

She is aware of my plans and was given the opportunity to do the work necessary to regain my respect and trust, but she has not done the work to become a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted my kids to have memories of me and stability at home, so I sacrificed my happiness to give them what I think they deserve.

I have not cheated and have no plans to establish a soft landing, but I am really looking forward to being alone for a while to rebuild myself and my relationship with god. Not sure I will ever love another woman, but I have had enough outside interest that I believe my loneliest times will be during my marriage. Marrying her was the worst decision of my life thus far, but being there for my children feels like the best decision I could have made.

Gray divorce isn’t about living without responsibilities for me, it is about reclaiming my self respect and exploring life with renewed passion, peace and purpose. Unfortunately, she destroyed all 4 of those, so I don’t believe her presence would have a positive impact on the process.

I wonder what her side of this touching tale might sound like.

It was different back then vs today. It’s really a sad story for everyone involved. She was depressed and unfulfilled, but didn’t want to admit it to me. I was to blame for her emotional state and since men’s desire for her gave her a momentary dopamine hit. She feels different today, but I have never healed because she would rather forget.

So you don’t know your wife and mother of your three kids is unfulfilled and depressed? Because she didn’t admit it to you?

Yikes.

For her sake I hope you divorce tomorrow.

I wasn’t a mind reader.

Nor a caring person.

Not being able to tell if your wife is unfulfilled and/or depressed actually escalates her depression and unfulfillment. And demonstrates your lack of empathy and care.

And then you got mad at her for how she handled her depression? And at how she didn’t make it up to you later or pass your various tests?

Yes, I have empathy and cared, but liars lie and cheaters cheat. My life was not particularly fulfilling and is even less fulfilling post betrayal. It takes a lot of personal work to build character and become an honest communicator. She isn’t doing that work, she is avoiding it. You are an impressive example of a person without empathy, based upon your posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yep. And guess what? All the divorces of my friends have involved very unequal partnerships. Those of us who are equal are still together.

Maybe in your bubble. The divorced couples I know are not unequal in terms of income. The women always worked and in some cases earned more than the men, and the men decided shortly before retirement that they needed "more freedom". All of them (men) immediately found new partners. It was always the men who left.

Why do I live in a bubble but your experience is more valid? Why do you think you know more people than I do? Clearly our friends are different but I don't know why you think your sample size is larger or more valid than mine.

[Anonymous]

OP, what if you reframe this whole situation as seeing that he did you a favor? Men have a shorter lifespan, so if you stayed together, you're statistically more likely to be his caretaker. On the other hand, men often leave or cheat when their wives get sick, so he likely wouldn't have been there for you, anyway. So, in this case, he can go spend his half of the marital assets on younger women for a few years and die alone and poor. And you can take your half of the marital assets and live a responsible life and spend your time with your kids and your friends with no grouchy old man to clean up after, cook for, or run to doctor's appointments. He may seem like he's "winning," but it won't last - men fall off a cliff around 60, and at that point, he'll just be a lonely, grouchy old man, alienated from his family and probably many of his friends. Try to see it as a good thing, because it might be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what if you reframe this whole situation as seeing that he did you a favor? Men have a shorter lifespan, so if you stayed together, you're statistically more likely to be his caretaker. On the other hand, men often leave or cheat when their wives get sick, so he likely wouldn't have been there for you, anyway. So, in this case, he can go spend his half of the marital assets on younger women for a few years and die alone and poor. And you can take your half of the marital assets and live a responsible life and spend your time with your kids and your friends with no grouchy old man to clean up after, cook for, or run to doctor's appointments. He may seem like he's "winning," but it won't last - men fall off a cliff around 60, and at that point, he'll just be a lonely, grouchy old man, alienated from his family and probably many of his friends. Try to see it as a good thing, because it might be.

What a wonderful fairy tale!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what if you reframe this whole situation as seeing that he did you a favor? Men have a shorter lifespan, so if you stayed together, you're statistically more likely to be his caretaker. On the other hand, men often leave or cheat when their wives get sick, so he likely wouldn't have been there for you, anyway. So, in this case, he can go spend his half of the marital assets on younger women for a few years and die alone and poor. And you can take your half of the marital assets and live a responsible life and spend your time with your kids and your friends with no grouchy old man to clean up after, cook for, or run to doctor's appointments. He may seem like he's "winning," but it won't last - men fall off a cliff around 60, and at that point, he'll just be a lonely, grouchy old man, alienated from his family and probably many of his friends. Try to see it as a good thing, because it might be.

What a wonderful fairy tale!

Live long enough and pay attention to your elders, and you'll get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what if you reframe this whole situation as seeing that he did you a favor? Men have a shorter lifespan, so if you stayed together, you're statistically more likely to be his caretaker. On the other hand, men often leave or cheat when their wives get sick, so he likely wouldn't have been there for you, anyway. So, in this case, he can go spend his half of the marital assets on younger women for a few years and die alone and poor. And you can take your half of the marital assets and live a responsible life and spend your time with your kids and your friends with no grouchy old man to clean up after, cook for, or run to doctor's appointments. He may seem like he's "winning," but it won't last - men fall off a cliff around 60, and at that point, he'll just be a lonely, grouchy old man, alienated from his family and probably many of his friends. Try to see it as a good thing, because it might be.

What a wonderful fairy tale!

Live long enough and pay attention to your elders, and you'll get it.

Sure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what if you reframe this whole situation as seeing that he did you a favor? Men have a shorter lifespan, so if you stayed together, you're statistically more likely to be his caretaker. On the other hand, men often leave or cheat when their wives get sick, so he likely wouldn't have been there for you, anyway. So, in this case, he can go spend his half of the marital assets on younger women for a few years and die alone and poor. And you can take your half of the marital assets and live a responsible life and spend your time with your kids and your friends with no grouchy old man to clean up after, cook for, or run to doctor's appointments. He may seem like he's "winning," but it won't last - men fall off a cliff around 60, and at that point, he'll just be a lonely, grouchy old man, alienated from his family and probably many of his friends. Try to see it as a good thing, because it might be.

What a wonderful fairy tale!

Men are lucky in that they hold on to peak attractiveness and masculinity until about age 50, after which it’s a steady, rapid decline, and this is backed by a wide body of research. It is biological – women drop at 40 when they are past childbearing potential – men drop at 50 when they are no longer masculine and perceived by women as father material. Testosterone declines 1% per year starting at 30. By 60, men are invisible to younger women, and it takes a significant amount of money to overcome the signs of aging that hit around 60, like sarcopenia, hair loss, hearing loss, sun damaged skin including age/liver spots and deep wrinkles, bad breath, bad posture, slower metabolism, plus they have reduced energy, cognitive decline, weird hairs in ears, nose and bushy eyebrows. Instead of masculine provider energy, they give off grumpy, declining old-man who needs a nurse energy.