Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

You probably aren't as close as you thought. You're an aunt and you have a much younger child. He has his bride, her family, all their friends and other people to consider too. Stop being a prima donna.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

15K is not nothing. I would bet most people never receive that kind of money total from a relative other than parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

Lol no. Nephew should have stood up for his generous aunt.

If you’re keeping track you’re not being generous. By definition.

That's not true. You give and you don't expect repayment but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt if other person isn't kind to you.

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t imagine missing my nephew‘s wedding, but at the same time I would be really hurt if my son wasn’t invited. Have you discussed it with your sibling? Maybe mention that you don’t think you’ll be able to make it because of your son and see if it was just an oversight.

[Anonymous]

It just reflects bad on him, at least he should've explained it to you or offered to arrange babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

I agree that someone should have talked to you about it. Had someone chatted with you about the motivations (which can often be financial), you'd probably feel better about it.

[Anonymous]

RSVP No, small gift for wedding, no more financial support. Easy!

[Anonymous]

I understand why you're upset, but you're majorly overreacting.

You're centering yourself and your experience, which is natural, but they aren't! They're planning an event for probably 100-200 people. They decided no children. Maybe because that's the vibe they want, maybe because there are some children (of friends, of her family) that would be really poorly behaved, maybe as a cost cutting measure. There are many totally understandable reasons for not inviting kids, and making exceptions can create major problems for the couple. You're seeing it as one extra person - but it could easily mean 20 extra guests, between your family, her family, and their friends. It's not about you or your son!

I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

But during that time, don't do anything that you'll regret down the line, or anything hurtful toward people who haven't done anything wrong. Figure out, via pure logistics, what makes the most sense as far as the wedding (Son comes with and hangs in the hotel? Stays with a friend? You go and he stays home with his dad?), put on a happy face for the wedding, give a normal amount as a gift (no need to go overboard, especially if you're feeling stung, but don't be stingy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

I agree that someone should have talked to you about it. Had someone chatted with you about the motivations (which can often be financial), you'd probably feel better about it.

Op again- if it was the insurance thing like someone upthread mentioned, that would be nice to know. But 16+ (as opposed to 21+) seems targeted to include the second youngest cousin. Is 16+ a normal cutoff? I have been to around 40 weddings and never seen 16+ on an invite before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

I agree that someone should have talked to you about it. Had someone chatted with you about the motivations (which can often be financial), you'd probably feel better about it.

Op again- if it was the insurance thing like someone upthread mentioned, that would be nice to know. But 16+ (as opposed to 21+) seems targeted to include the second youngest cousin. Is 16+ a normal cutoff? I have been to around 40 weddings and never seen 16+ on an invite before.

What are the odds the bride know not a single child below 16 such that this was a deliberate snub? They could have just made it 10, why 16? Common sense tells you there were other kids they didn't want included because it would be too many or they didn't want packs of kids roaming around. Or maybe OP's son isn't truly delightful and excellently behaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

I agree that someone should have talked to you about it. Had someone chatted with you about the motivations (which can often be financial), you'd probably feel better about it.

Op again- if it was the insurance thing like someone upthread mentioned, that would be nice to know. But 16+ (as opposed to 21+) seems targeted to include the second youngest cousin. Is 16+ a normal cutoff? I have been to around 40 weddings and never seen 16+ on an invite before.

Oh, is there another cousin who is exactly 16? I'd be hurt too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

Op again - this is accurate. Another part that hurts and isn't reflected is that this nephew in particular is the one cousin who does take an interest in my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:RSVP No, small gift for wedding, no more financial support. Easy!

RSVP No. No gift. No more financial support. Easy.

Let his parents know that you don't appreciate your kid not being invited. Other things flow from that. Remind them of all the monetary gifts etc you gave over the years to their child.

[Anonymous]

$15k is not a lot but if it’s a family event and my child, who is family is not invited I woukd not go.