Ex Can’t Do School Logistics Anymore — Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

OP here. He moved to be closer to the woman he impregnated, and changed his work role (and thus, schedule) to be accommodating to their new child.

I’m absolutely not trying to still be his wife, no thank you. But I do want my kids in school, and I do think that’s important. I don’t think it’s crazy to worry about whether or not my kids will be tardy or stranded because of him. It’s not my problem, but of course it is in the end when they are missing school or stranded there because he’s at work and doesn’t seem concerned about a real problem.

I don’t want more money from him, I also don’t think it’s fair to lose every weekend over this, and I don’t even care about having them 100% of the time if it comes to that, I just want them to be able to get to/from school.

Oh. Then just take the extra days and don't file for child support. He'll drop down to just every other weekend with your kids soon enough. He's replacing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

OP here. He moved to be closer to the woman he impregnated, and changed his work role (and thus, schedule) to be accommodating to their new child.

I’m absolutely not trying to still be his wife, no thank you. But I do want my kids in school, and I do think that’s important. I don’t think it’s crazy to worry about whether or not my kids will be tardy or stranded because of him. It’s not my problem, but of course it is in the end when they are missing school or stranded there because he’s at work and doesn’t seem concerned about a real problem.

I don’t want more money from him, I also don’t think it’s fair to lose every weekend over this, and I don’t even care about having them 100% of the time if it comes to that, I just want them to be able to get to/from school.

I think it is really best if you focus on keeping the arrangement you have and not worry about he is going to make this all work. If there’s kids are tardy or stranded, you will find out and can take action from there. Otherwise anything you do is going to be meddling.

I understand what you’re saying, but how long would I allow it to happen before stepping in? I don’t love the idea of them missing school or sitting in the office while they wait for their dad, if I can just take them—but then that would be me solving this for them. I just don’t want them to be the losers in this, since I can absolutely “solve” this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

OP here. He moved to be closer to the woman he impregnated, and changed his work role (and thus, schedule) to be accommodating to their new child.

I’m absolutely not trying to still be his wife, no thank you. But I do want my kids in school, and I do think that’s important. I don’t think it’s crazy to worry about whether or not my kids will be tardy or stranded because of him. It’s not my problem, but of course it is in the end when they are missing school or stranded there because he’s at work and doesn’t seem concerned about a real problem.

I don’t want more money from him, I also don’t think it’s fair to lose every weekend over this, and I don’t even care about having them 100% of the time if it comes to that, I just want them to be able to get to/from school.

Oh. Then just take the extra days and don't file for child support. He'll drop down to just every other weekend with your kids soon enough. He's replacing them.

I feel so bad for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a him problem and you are not required to help him solve it.

Document when your kids are dropped off late and marked tardy and when he asks you to do pickup make it clear you don’t plan to trade nights— you do pickup, he’s not doing 50%, CS will have to be adjusted. If you solve this for him it will be at your expense.

+100!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

OP here. He moved to be closer to the woman he impregnated, and changed his work role (and thus, schedule) to be accommodating to their new child.

I’m absolutely not trying to still be his wife, no thank you. But I do want my kids in school, and I do think that’s important. I don’t think it’s crazy to worry about whether or not my kids will be tardy or stranded because of him. It’s not my problem, but of course it is in the end when they are missing school or stranded there because he’s at work and doesn’t seem concerned about a real problem.

I don’t want more money from him, I also don’t think it’s fair to lose every weekend over this, and I don’t even care about having them 100% of the time if it comes to that, I just want them to be able to get to/from school.

I think it is really best if you focus on keeping the arrangement you have and not worry about he is going to make this all work. If there’s kids are tardy or stranded, you will find out and can take action from there. Otherwise anything you do is going to be meddling.

I understand what you’re saying, but how long would I allow it to happen before stepping in? I don’t love the idea of them missing school or sitting in the office while they wait for their dad, if I can just take them—but then that would be me solving this for them. I just don’t want them to be the losers in this, since I can absolutely “solve” this.

Ask your lawyer what it would take to get a change in custody, just so you have that info.

It might actually be good for them to have to sit in the office and wait for him a couple times vs. you stepping in. They will whine and give him HELL, as they should!

This is a good time to remind yourself that the environment you provide them will be their stability and comfort and it WILL be enough even if their dad flakes on them. I see so many divorced moms worry way too much about dad “messing up” the kids and it leads them to do crazy things to overcompensate for the guilt, and that end up being just as harmful to the kids and absolute poison to the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

OP here. He moved to be closer to the woman he impregnated, and changed his work role (and thus, schedule) to be accommodating to their new child.

I’m absolutely not trying to still be his wife, no thank you. But I do want my kids in school, and I do think that’s important. I don’t think it’s crazy to worry about whether or not my kids will be tardy or stranded because of him. It’s not my problem, but of course it is in the end when they are missing school or stranded there because he’s at work and doesn’t seem concerned about a real problem.

I don’t want more money from him, I also don’t think it’s fair to lose every weekend over this, and I don’t even care about having them 100% of the time if it comes to that, I just want them to be able to get to/from school.

Oh. Then just take the extra days and don't file for child support. He'll drop down to just every other weekend with your kids soon enough. He's replacing them.

I feel so bad for my kids.

This is the thinking you must avoid at all costs! Your kids can and will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him figure it out. If he physically can’t take care of his kids, you’ll end up with. Custody and more child support.

+1. Exactly this. Document everything so that you can show why you need more custody and child support because he can’t take care of the kids.

[Anonymous]

The new woman won't agree to having the kids every weekend anyway. So no worries about that. Let him suffer for a while.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the new baby mama will join the car pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

OP here. He moved to be closer to the woman he impregnated, and changed his work role (and thus, schedule) to be accommodating to their new child.

I’m absolutely not trying to still be his wife, no thank you. But I do want my kids in school, and I do think that’s important. I don’t think it’s crazy to worry about whether or not my kids will be tardy or stranded because of him. It’s not my problem, but of course it is in the end when they are missing school or stranded there because he’s at work and doesn’t seem concerned about a real problem.

I don’t want more money from him, I also don’t think it’s fair to lose every weekend over this, and I don’t even care about having them 100% of the time if it comes to that, I just want them to be able to get to/from school.

I think it is really best if you focus on keeping the arrangement you have and not worry about he is going to make this all work. If there’s kids are tardy or stranded, you will find out and can take action from there. Otherwise anything you do is going to be meddling.

I understand what you’re saying, but how long would I allow it to happen before stepping in? I don’t love the idea of them missing school or sitting in the office while they wait for their dad, if I can just take them—but then that would be me solving this for them. I just don’t want them to be the losers in this, since I can absolutely “solve” this.

You need to learn to deal with your feelings without caving to your ex. It's much, much better for your kids in the long run that you have boundaries and their father be a responsible parent, not an every other weekend dad who doesn't do anything that's slightly difficult for him.

Your kids are already the losers because their father has ditched the family, moved away, and replaced them. They are children of divorce and it is harmful to them. Accept it and stop fighting every little battle. It won't work and it's unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

You can't cover for their dad forever. Better they realize that their dad sucks now when they are young enough to let you support them, therapy etc. than when they are teenagers.

Dad's reason for changing the schedule is not a good one. He is prioritizing the needs of his new child over his older kids. He presumes you will step in and solve the problem. Make dad feel the consequences. Maybe he will come to his senses, maybe not. But do not meddle. Just document and take action when dad messes up. If you step in and help him, he won't understand how his actions will negatively impact his children.

[Anonymous]

OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so confused by your post. It is his custody time. He has said he will handle it. Let him handle it. Back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

This. He's having her do it, but he doesn't want to tell you because he's embarrassed or thinks you'll react badly or something.

[Anonymous]

Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?