Ex Can’t Do School Logistics Anymore — Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you won’t ask for more child support. Let him have every other weekend and be flexible on if he can have dinners one or two night a week as well. Don’t he petty or awkward. This is about the kids.

You don’t take the kids away from dad because he has to work. If he takes a lower paying job, mom gets less child support. And, that’s not a good reason to take the kids away because you want more money. Get a part time job when kids are with dad or get a better paying job. If it’s about the kids they need time with their dad and 4 days a month and dinner occasionally I’d not a relationship. If it is, kids should live with dad and mom see them every other weekend and dinner occasionally and that solves the school issue as kids go to school and child care near dad and he uses the child support money to pay for child care.

That’s not how it works. When the custody schedule is set, it is contingent on the parents being able to meet their parenting obbligations on those days. He chose to set up his life in a way that means he can no longer meet his parenting obligations. So yes it is on him to figure out a way to make the existing schedule work - or propose a different reasonable one that works. Reasonable does not mean his ex does pickup and drop off every day and it also doesn’t mean forcing the kids to move schools.

He is working. This is why you are divorced.

lol. Conversely this is why HE is divorced- because he is a lazy baby who wants people to do all his work for him.

I am totally happy to be flexible with my exDH - he is actually the one who is more inflexible. But no, I am not doing school pickup and drop off on his days because he moved out of the school district and can’t be bothered to do what working moms have done since the beginning of time - manage to balance their work schedules with childcare needs.

If my exDH tried to pull this (and it is exactly the kind of thing he would do)
I would offer to shift the schedule to one that involved less weekday time for him because clearly he cannot manage it. Maybe every Friday plus one long weekend a month. If he rejected that then he can figure out how to find and pay a part time nanny for his days.

A lot would also depend on why his work schedule was changing. If he has a job with non traditional hours and truly cannot help or control getting the night shift or having longer shifts (like ER doctor etc) then I would be much more flexible. (But also wonder why tf he complicated his kids lives so much by moving far away.) If he just decided he needs to spend more time at work or “has a big project coming up and I have to work a lot” because he didn’t know what being the on-call parent would be like … I would be MUCH less inclined to accommodate because he needs to figure out how to be a working parent on his own. If he took a job with a longer commute I would think he was a dumb*ss for not figuring out a new schedule on his own and offer to redo the custody schedule.

Not talking about you but if you want to benefit from his money it’s in your best interest to work with him.

[Anonymous]

He says he will figure it out, so I would drop it and butt out 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you won’t ask for more child support. Let him have every other weekend and be flexible on if he can have dinners one or two night a week as well. Don’t he petty or awkward. This is about the kids.

You don’t take the kids away from dad because he has to work. If he takes a lower paying job, mom gets less child support. And, that’s not a good reason to take the kids away because you want more money. Get a part time job when kids are with dad or get a better paying job. If it’s about the kids they need time with their dad and 4 days a month and dinner occasionally I’d not a relationship. If it is, kids should live with dad and mom see them every other weekend and dinner occasionally and that solves the school issue as kids go to school and child care near dad and he uses the child support money to pay for child care.

That’s not how it works. When the custody schedule is set, it is contingent on the parents being able to meet their parenting obbligations on those days. He chose to set up his life in a way that means he can no longer meet his parenting obligations. So yes it is on him to figure out a way to make the existing schedule work - or propose a different reasonable one that works. Reasonable does not mean his ex does pickup and drop off every day and it also doesn’t mean forcing the kids to move schools.

He is working. This is why you are divorced.

lol. Conversely this is why HE is divorced- because he is a lazy baby who wants people to do all his work for him.

I am totally happy to be flexible with my exDH - he is actually the one who is more inflexible. But no, I am not doing school pickup and drop off on his days because he moved out of the school district and can’t be bothered to do what working moms have done since the beginning of time - manage to balance their work schedules with childcare needs.

If my exDH tried to pull this (and it is exactly the kind of thing he would do)
I would offer to shift the schedule to one that involved less weekday time for him because clearly he cannot manage it. Maybe every Friday plus one long weekend a month. If he rejected that then he can figure out how to find and pay a part time nanny for his days.

A lot would also depend on why his work schedule was changing. If he has a job with non traditional hours and truly cannot help or control getting the night shift or having longer shifts (like ER doctor etc) then I would be much more flexible. (But also wonder why tf he complicated his kids lives so much by moving far away.) If he just decided he needs to spend more time at work or “has a big project coming up and I have to work a lot” because he didn’t know what being the on-call parent would be like … I would be MUCH less inclined to accommodate because he needs to figure out how to be a working parent on his own. If he took a job with a longer commute I would think he was a dumb*ss for not figuring out a new schedule on his own and offer to redo the custody schedule.

Not talking about you but if you want to benefit from his money it’s in your best interest to work with him.

That’s not how it works at all. Child support is court-ordered and calculated by formula. It’s not a gift to the other parent.

[Anonymous]

What happens is that you are not his wife and it’s not your job to figure out how to make this work for him.

When he can’t make it to the school, you go pick up the kids and you document every time it happens. You do not trade days or give up your weekend custody time. After a few months of this (consult a lawyer for the best timeline) you file for adjustment of custody to reflect actual parenting time.

Realistically, he will probably get every other weekend and half of holidays and vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. It’s kind of embarrassing how women cannot let go of being someone’s wife. This is a time for natural consequences. The exDH made his choice to be far away, now let him figure out a solution without you stepping in.

I know a family where the dad bought a new house about 30 minutes from his kids even though he had 50/50 custody. Three years later he sold the house to move closer to them again. He got sick of the commute to the kids school and their activities.

It’s not about being the wife, it’s often about being the parent. It’s all well and good to say dad has to figure it out when it’s your kids who suffer the consequences.

True but divorce means that you don't get a say in your ex's decisions. Plus the decision is already done. Ex moved further away. That already hurt the kids, presumably.

Now ex can "figure it out." The OP can't fix this.

Yes, she can help by looking at the schedule and being flexible. If she will not stay out of it.

Doing drop off and pickup on your ex’s custody days is not “being flexible.”

If he drops them off at her house, why is it unreasonable given she insists school be near her and she has flexibility. Why would you do that for your kids?

Then, be willing to change the schedule or he’ll figure it out and don’t complain. Hopefully he can go to court to get her to share child care costs as that is something factored into child support.

She never said she had flexibility and she probably planned her non-custodial days to get to her *own* job on time. She is not free childcare for him. Her job is not second to his.

Whatever the financial division of costs is has already been done. Hopefully their agreement clarifies that childcare on custodial days is the responsibility of the custodial parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you won’t ask for more child support. Let him have every other weekend and be flexible on if he can have dinners one or two night a week as well. Don’t he petty or awkward. This is about the kids.

You don’t take the kids away from dad because he has to work. If he takes a lower paying job, mom gets less child support. And, that’s not a good reason to take the kids away because you want more money. Get a part time job when kids are with dad or get a better paying job. If it’s about the kids they need time with their dad and 4 days a month and dinner occasionally I’d not a relationship. If it is, kids should live with dad and mom see them every other weekend and dinner occasionally and that solves the school issue as kids go to school and child care near dad and he uses the child support money to pay for child care.

That’s not how it works. When the custody schedule is set, it is contingent on the parents being able to meet their parenting obbligations on those days. He chose to set up his life in a way that means he can no longer meet his parenting obligations. So yes it is on him to figure out a way to make the existing schedule work - or propose a different reasonable one that works. Reasonable does not mean his ex does pickup and drop off every day and it also doesn’t mean forcing the kids to move schools.

He is working. This is why you are divorced.

lol. Conversely this is why HE is divorced- because he is a lazy baby who wants people to do all his work for him.

I am totally happy to be flexible with my exDH - he is actually the one who is more inflexible. But no, I am not doing school pickup and drop off on his days because he moved out of the school district and can’t be bothered to do what working moms have done since the beginning of time - manage to balance their work schedules with childcare needs.

If my exDH tried to pull this (and it is exactly the kind of thing he would do)
I would offer to shift the schedule to one that involved less weekday time for him because clearly he cannot manage it. Maybe every Friday plus one long weekend a month. If he rejected that then he can figure out how to find and pay a part time nanny for his days.

A lot would also depend on why his work schedule was changing. If he has a job with non traditional hours and truly cannot help or control getting the night shift or having longer shifts (like ER doctor etc) then I would be much more flexible. (But also wonder why tf he complicated his kids lives so much by moving far away.) If he just decided he needs to spend more time at work or “has a big project coming up and I have to work a lot” because he didn’t know what being the on-call parent would be like … I would be MUCH less inclined to accommodate because he needs to figure out how to be a working parent on his own. If he took a job with a longer commute I would think he was a dumb*ss for not figuring out a new schedule on his own and offer to redo the custody schedule.

Not talking about you but if you want to benefit from his money it’s in your best interest to work with him.

The way to benefit from his money is for him to cover childcare on his custodial days. Not to be his childcare or put his job above hers.

[Anonymous]

Let him figure it out. If he physically can’t take care of his kids, you’ll end up with. Custody and more child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

He’s probably couldn’t afford to live closer. It’s not selfish. She’s selfish and took the easier schedule for her. Kids should go to school near him if he has them three days.

You make no sense. There's nothing selfish about a mother maintaining the school and the schedule that her kids are accustomed to. That's what courts call "best interest of the child." You don't even consider the possibility that the kids might not want to move away from their friends and their life, in addition to all the other changes in their life this divorce has wrought.

There's no reason kids should uproot their life to move closer to dad, when dad didn't consult anyone about his move. No court would say that the kids need to move school to be closer to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him figure it out. If he physically can’t take care of his kids, you’ll end up with. Custody and more child support.

+1 Document it all (hope you're using a co-parenting app.) Let the record show that you raised these concerns of how Ex will handle the drop off from his new location etc. And if it doesn't work out, at least it's documented that you raised the issue well in advance of it becoming a problem.

It could suck for your kids, but you didn't make the decision to move further away. He did.

[Anonymous]

Some of these so answers are so spiteful. How dare someone give up ego, not teach a lesson, or think of the bigger pictures (the kids)? Sad state of affairs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these so answers are so spiteful. How dare someone give up ego, not teach a lesson, or think of the bigger pictures (the kids)? Sad state of affairs

You mean OP’s ex, right?

[Anonymous]

They have childcare taxi's. He can hire one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

OP here. He moved to be closer to the woman he impregnated, and changed his work role (and thus, schedule) to be accommodating to their new child.

I’m absolutely not trying to still be his wife, no thank you. But I do want my kids in school, and I do think that’s important. I don’t think it’s crazy to worry about whether or not my kids will be tardy or stranded because of him. It’s not my problem, but of course it is in the end when they are missing school or stranded there because he’s at work and doesn’t seem concerned about a real problem.

I don’t want more money from him, I also don’t think it’s fair to lose every weekend over this, and I don’t even care about having them 100% of the time if it comes to that, I just want them to be able to get to/from school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

OP here. He moved to be closer to the woman he impregnated, and changed his work role (and thus, schedule) to be accommodating to their new child.

I’m absolutely not trying to still be his wife, no thank you. But I do want my kids in school, and I do think that’s important. I don’t think it’s crazy to worry about whether or not my kids will be tardy or stranded because of him. It’s not my problem, but of course it is in the end when they are missing school or stranded there because he’s at work and doesn’t seem concerned about a real problem.

I don’t want more money from him, I also don’t think it’s fair to lose every weekend over this, and I don’t even care about having them 100% of the time if it comes to that, I just want them to be able to get to/from school.

Ugh, of course it’s this.

I have no idea if a judge would side with you, or dad now, since he has a new “family”, but maybe someone else will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

OP here. He moved to be closer to the woman he impregnated, and changed his work role (and thus, schedule) to be accommodating to their new child.

I’m absolutely not trying to still be his wife, no thank you. But I do want my kids in school, and I do think that’s important. I don’t think it’s crazy to worry about whether or not my kids will be tardy or stranded because of him. It’s not my problem, but of course it is in the end when they are missing school or stranded there because he’s at work and doesn’t seem concerned about a real problem.

I don’t want more money from him, I also don’t think it’s fair to lose every weekend over this, and I don’t even care about having them 100% of the time if it comes to that, I just want them to be able to get to/from school.

I think it is really best if you focus on keeping the arrangement you have and not worry about he is going to make this all work. If there’s kids are tardy or stranded, you will find out and can take action from there. Otherwise anything you do is going to be meddling.