Accomplished woman trying to date after a long marriage - men are drawn primarily to my caregiving abilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are under 50, why in the world are you looking at guys in their 60s??

OP here. I guess because XH is in that age group. He is another busy professional (not lawyer) and we talked constantly about his work (not mine, though, he being a narcissist).

People of any gender who talk constantly about work are boring AF.

A man who negged me for being invested in my job is an instant red flag.

Be invested in your job, just don’t expect anyone else to be.

[Anonymous]

Successful normal men will not care about your resume of success. They don't need it to build off of or to get somewhere in life, they are already there. They want intelligence, normalcy, no drama, most importantly kindness & happiness.

If you are looking for a relationship, you don't need to be dating 10 years older.

[Anonymous]

The point of a relationship is to care for one another, so that actually does matter a lot more than your career.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Your post is a little confusing. The title of your post suggests that you define yourself by your accomplishments. And your first paragraph is all about that. Then you say that dating earlier iwas all about building a family (which doesn't have to do much with professional accomplishments).

Why are you surprised that men are drawn to your personal rather than professional capabilities? What men were ever impressed or turned on by a woman's professional accomplishments? Of course men in their 60s on up are going to care about how good you are at caregiving, they're not interested in your ability to raise kids or build a family.

It may be that you are turning off men your own age by making them feel small.

OP here. That's an interesting take. No, I don't define myself by my professional accomplishments. I have mentioned that I have wide-ranging interests. I have also successfully raised and launched well-adjusted children. It's just that I'm surprised that none of that really matters; to 60+ y.o men it comes down to homemaking, caregiving, companionship and (comparative) youth.

You don’t seem very self aware. You say you don’t define yourself by your professional accomplishments but that’s literally your title and first paragraph and only thing you say about yourself in your first post.

Now that you’ve been called on it, you drip-drop out some other details, you know, like the trolls around here.

NP. You need to go finish your GED or handle whatever deficiency it is that has you so threatened that OP is accomplished.

I’m a woman, an accomplished one at that. No one is threatened. It’s boring as hell to talk about your work on a date. I doubly feel that about men who do so.

Narcissism is the only thing you're coming off as accomplished that. I don't know why you have such a hard time understanding that OP is not you and is not trying to date you. What you find boring on a date is irrelevant here. If talking about her extensive collection of marbles gathered all over the world is what will make OP fulfilled in love, then your advice should be structured towards helping her achieve that, not towards breaking her down and convincing her she has to be someone different to date the way you think is proper.

Not PP but PP is 100% correct. And in fairness OP came here seeking advice. It is not hard to decipher what her issues in dating are when you starts off with her accomlishments lists. Men she would want to date don't care, they just don't and they don't want to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again. Just pointing out the obvious but you are probably mostly dating retired men, they have left the world of work behind or soon will. So they are much less interested in the professional sphere and are basically looking for a woman who still wants to have sex and will be a nice companion for them.

OP here. That may be true, but their lack of empathy bothers me. They don't seem to recognize that my profession is a big part of my life. There are no questions about how my day was at the office, what my current issues are, what work changes am I grappling with.

Nobody cares about that. Do you want to hear all about someone's day at the office?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are under 50, why in the world are you looking at guys in their 60s??

OP here. I guess because XH is in that age group. He is another busy professional (not lawyer) and we talked constantly about his work (not mine, though, he being a narcissist).

And see how that worked out? Older men are looking for companionship. They already had their career and did all that. They have arrived and now just want to enjoy life. You're stuck in a 20-30 something mentality of climbing the ladder. The men you're dating are at the top.

[Anonymous]

Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

[Anonymous]

Build a family? At 50? Honey, no baby is coming out of you at this point. You are the age of a grandmother now. You aren't being realistic. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again. Just pointing out the obvious but you are probably mostly dating retired men, they have left the world of work behind or soon will. So they are much less interested in the professional sphere and are basically looking for a woman who still wants to have sex and will be a nice companion for them.

OP here. That may be true, but their lack of empathy bothers me. They don't seem to recognize that my profession is a big part of my life. There are no questions about how my day was at the office, what my current issues are, what work changes am I grappling with.

Nobody cares about that. Do you want to hear all about someone's day at the office?

DP. Of course I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

Is it 1950? Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Successful normal men will not care about your resume of success. They don't need it to build off of or to get somewhere in life, they are already there. They want intelligence, normalcy, no drama, most importantly kindness & happiness.

If you are looking for a relationship, you don't need to be dating 10 years older.

There have to be some men out there who aren’t sociopaths.
There are men who engage in relationships because they are interested in other people and care about who they are. Not every man views other people exclusively in terms of what they can provide him. Right? I mean, we can’t really hate men so much as to say this is impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. At the risk of going off on a tangent, guys seem to talk mostly about themselves. After a few questions (mostly about my breakup) not many are doing a deep dive into anything related to me. However, they enthusiastically talk about themselves, and in great detail.

That's just how most men I went on dates are, especially at first. They want to impress us. The ones who stuck around eventually stopped lol.

I have been dating men who are in their 50s and none of them expect me to be a caregiver. That's odd you keep running into this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Strong independent woman like you don't need no man. Why are your dating?

OP here. I, too, like almost everybody, crave companionship and affection. It's not hard to understand, I think. I shouldn't be doomed to being alone merely because I can provide for myself.