Accomplished woman trying to date after a long marriage - men are drawn primarily to my caregiving abilities

[Anonymous]

I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

[Anonymous]

You're not meeting the right men, OP. No guy I know well enough in their 60s has ever talked about their health issues. Even my 50-something friend who had a second occurrence of his cancer 5 years ago. How odd. Maybe pick men with more sporty interests, or who look healthier, as in fit and trim for their age?

[Anonymous]

You should be able to find men roughly around your own age if that's your preference. You might just have to give it time. Or you might need to lower your standards.

[Anonymous]

Your post is a little confusing. The title of your post suggests that you define yourself by your accomplishments. And your first paragraph is all about that. Then you say that dating earlier iwas all about building a family (which doesn't have to do much with professional accomplishments).

Why are you surprised that men are drawn to your personal rather than professional capabilities? What men were ever impressed or turned on by a woman's professional accomplishments? Of course men in their 60s on up are going to care about how good you are at caregiving, they're not interested in your ability to raise kids or build a family.

It may be that you are turning off men your own age by making them feel small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post is a little confusing. The title of your post suggests that you define yourself by your accomplishments. And your first paragraph is all about that. Then you say that dating earlier iwas all about building a family (which doesn't have to do much with professional accomplishments).

Why are you surprised that men are drawn to your personal rather than professional capabilities? What men were ever impressed or turned on by a woman's professional accomplishments? Of course men in their 60s on up are going to care about how good you are at caregiving, they're not interested in your ability to raise kids or build a family.

It may be that you are turning off men your own age by making them feel small.

OP here. That's an interesting take. No, I don't define myself by my professional accomplishments. I have mentioned that I have wide-ranging interests. I have also successfully raised and launched well-adjusted children. It's just that I'm surprised that none of that really matters; to 60+ y.o men it comes down to homemaking, caregiving, companionship and (comparative) youth.

[Anonymous]

Eh. They’re all like that. I’m 40 and dated from 30-50, and most men just aren’t that great.

If you’re not physically caretaking, you have to emotionally caretake, and any issue brought up has to be framed a certain way in a certain voice so as not to hurt their fragile male ego. Even then, rather than being constructive and trying to find a solution, they’ll just bring up a list of their complaints about you.

I did date a 25 year old who was very progressive and didn’t want a mommy, but the age difference was too weird for me.

Also strange is how many men want a successful, independent woman just to try to put her in a cage. Last guy I dated started talking about how women need to “submit” to their man and let him “lead”. Sir, you are incapable of making your own dinner, why on earth do you think you’re qualified to lead?

I do miss sex, though. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Call me.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I meant that 25 years ago guys cared about my career, our potential standard of living, and compatibility of our hobbies. All this does not seem to be important to them now.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. At the risk of going off on a tangent, guys seem to talk mostly about themselves. After a few questions (mostly about my breakup) not many are doing a deep dive into anything related to me. However, they enthusiastically talk about themselves, and in great detail.

[Anonymous]

OP - this is your presentation of yourself, and how you feel about yourself. As an accomplished professional. And you meet the men who look at you as a potential employee for the job - caring for him

You need to engage your feminine energy more, and start feeling yourself feminine. How often do you have sex, think about sex, buy new bathing suits and dresses, change your hair color? Can you discuss sexual preferences on date 3-4 when time is right?

I have a different issue: I mostly have very intense sexual relationships with men my age, but can't fall into them as I need the next partner not to be bored. I was married for 19 years and gate being tied up to a specific man, confined to anything besides what I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Call me.

OP here. How old are you? 😉

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I meant that 25 years ago guys cared about my career, our potential standard of living, and compatibility of our hobbies. All this does not seem to be important to them now.

I think part of it has to do with aging in general, as people get older they are less interested in things like income potential and accolades, accomplishments.

One way of seeing this is, yes, they just care about your caregiving, home making abilities, and how well you can serve their needs.

Another way of looking at this is that as people become elderly (not you, but your dates), your personal qualities, your ability to love and care for someone and connect with them on that level, matter much more than work and even hobbies. There's something nice about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - this is your presentation of yourself, and how you feel about yourself. As an accomplished professional. And you meet the men who look at you as a potential employee for the job - caring for him

You need to engage your feminine energy more, and start feeling yourself feminine. How often do you have sex, think about sex, buy new bathing suits and dresses, change your hair color? Can you discuss sexual preferences on date 3-4 when time is right?
.

OP here. I am actually also very feminine. I wear a lot of beautiful dresses, have a large collection of scarves, shoes, bags, sunglasses and hats. Even at the office I never wear gray or black. I haven't changed my hair color, though 😉
I am also very sensual, and yes, I can discuss preferences on date 3-4.

[Anonymous]

PP again. Just pointing out the obvious but you are probably mostly dating retired men, they have left the world of work behind or soon will. So they are much less interested in the professional sphere and are basically looking for a woman who still wants to have sex and will be a nice companion for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again. Just pointing out the obvious but you are probably mostly dating retired men, they have left the world of work behind or soon will. So they are much less interested in the professional sphere and are basically looking for a woman who still wants to have sex and will be a nice companion for them.

OP here. That may be true, but their lack of empathy bothers me. They don't seem to recognize that my profession is a big part of my life. There are no questions about how my day was at the office, what my current issues are, what work changes am I grappling with.