Accomplished woman trying to date after a long marriage - men are drawn primarily to my caregiving abilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

So someone's financial situation and someone's career are two very, very different things. The career is irrelevant as long as it's legal and not a total ethical mismatch (so, not an NRA lobbyist).

But financial behaviors? Like being in debt, reckless with money, controlling with money, a codependent always bailing out the failure to launch adult kid's credit card, a lifelong trust funder who never developed any true work ethic or sense of philanthropy -- these are important things to know about someone you're seriously involved with, even if you never marry or share money. Btw, I'm describing a few real-life guys who on the outside have an UMC/UC careers on paper that some of you gals dream about for your kids. Hard pass.

Yea, no, career and financial situation are not separate things. You said financial behaviors. I said financial situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

No PP but men with really large NW generally don’t care what their partner’s job is. I would say, $20m +
I’ve met some of these- they had ex spouses who were dancers, yoga instructors etc and didn’t expect a huge corporate career from me either

Jesus, you're very confident and very wrong. Speaking as a financial advisor and attorney to such men, they care very much what their significant other does. That's why they pick women whom they consider intellectual lightweights and whose lack of ambition they look down on. Oh, does that surprise you? That's because you think caring about their significant other's career means they'll pick someone who has a big career. It's the complete opposite. Those types of men want to be the center of the relationship. They want their schedules, whims, opinions, moods to be all that matters. They also want to dictate how their significant other dresses, eats, looks, thinks, behaves, lives. They want their opinions to be rules she follows without having to be told. They won't accept anything less than being in complete control because their significant other is really just an employee who lives with them. They also want whoever they're with to be easily disposable much like an at-will employee. So, they specifically look for women who don't have big careers, earning potential, social standing, or anything that would make them other than playthings. It's also why they zero in on younger women. Very consciously predatory behavior that people like you then rationalize as "Oh, he doesn't care what she does! He just wants her for her!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

Other than the fact you can pay your general living expenses men don't care, and don't want to talk about the daily goings on of your job.

A man who doesn't want to hear about where you spend most of your time is a man who sees you as an appendage. You might be okay with that, but OP has made it clear she's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

No PP but men with really large NW generally don’t care what their partner’s job is. I would say, $20m +
I’ve met some of these- they had ex spouses who were dancers, yoga instructors etc and didn’t expect a huge corporate career from me either

Jesus, you're very confident and very wrong. Speaking as a financial advisor and attorney to such men, they care very much what their significant other does. That's why they pick women whom they consider intellectual lightweights and whose lack of ambition they look down on. Oh, does that surprise you? That's because you think caring about their significant other's career means they'll pick someone who has a big career. It's the complete opposite. Those types of men want to be the center of the relationship. They want their schedules, whims, opinions, moods to be all that matters. They also want to dictate how their significant other dresses, eats, looks, thinks, behaves, lives. They want their opinions to be rules she follows without having to be told. They won't accept anything less than being in complete control because their significant other is really just an employee who lives with them. They also want whoever they're with to be easily disposable much like an at-will employee. So, they specifically look for women who don't have big careers, earning potential, social standing, or anything that would make them other than playthings. It's also why they zero in on younger women. Very consciously predatory behavior that people like you then rationalize as "Oh, he doesn't care what she does! He just wants her for her!"

We have a psychic mind reader in the forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

No PP but men with really large NW generally don’t care what their partner’s job is. I would say, $20m +
I’ve met some of these- they had ex spouses who were dancers, yoga instructors etc and didn’t expect a huge corporate career from me either

Jesus, you're very confident and very wrong. Speaking as a financial advisor and attorney to such men, they care very much what their significant other does. That's why they pick women whom they consider intellectual lightweights and whose lack of ambition they look down on. Oh, does that surprise you? That's because you think caring about their significant other's career means they'll pick someone who has a big career. It's the complete opposite. Those types of men want to be the center of the relationship. They want their schedules, whims, opinions, moods to be all that matters. They also want to dictate how their significant other dresses, eats, looks, thinks, behaves, lives. They want their opinions to be rules she follows without having to be told. They won't accept anything less than being in complete control because their significant other is really just an employee who lives with them. They also want whoever they're with to be easily disposable much like an at-will employee. So, they specifically look for women who don't have big careers, earning potential, social standing, or anything that would make them other than playthings. It's also why they zero in on younger women. Very consciously predatory behavior that people like you then rationalize as "Oh, he doesn't care what she does! He just wants her for her!"

We have a psychic mind reader in the forum.

Dumb retort. Just say nothing next time you get your ass handed to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are not attracted to women’s accomplishments. Being a lawyer is likely viewed as a negative by most single guys. You could probably find a guy who is interested in your money, but you wouldn’t want that either.

Some are. DH, who has a successful career, brags to his friends about mine. He wouldn't date someone without a career. I think it's because his mom is very intelligent and worked, and he has no tolerance for mediocrity.

I'm also like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

You emotions, out weight your ability to comprehend what you read.
What is selfish about what I said. The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me? How is that any different than a woman saying she doesn't want to date a man who can't afford to travel. Or doesn't want to date a man with kids because it will limit her ability to enjoy the things she enjoys? Or saying she won't date someone who refuses to fly? Travel is important to me, spending time with the person I am in a relationship with, is important to me. Where did I say or elude to only evaluating woman entirely in terms of what they can give me? If being in your 50s and wanting to be in relationship where we travel and spend time together is selfish is you definition of selfish I feel sorry for you. And I will not die single, because what I stated is not selfish and there are plenty of woman who agree with me.

Which woman can travel with you on demand, can you tell us? Most women still have office jobs and kids to tender to kids in their 40-50s. Only an independently wealthy woman (like OP) or a sugar baby, eg completely jobless/reliant on you to pay for her essential living expenses

Again with reading comprehension, where did I say anything about being available for on demand travel? Where did I say anything about her not working or preffering that she be reliant on me to pay for her essential living expense? I didn't.

You said “ The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me?”

So it means you should pay for that flexibility or she must be independently wealthy/have a cushy remote job to do that

I would pay for the flexibility and I know plenty succesful woman who do have the flexibility. I said to travel with me, I didn't say it had to be when I dictate it. Zero flexibility means limited travel, flexibility means more opportunity.

Ok so date retired women? Win win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

No PP but men with really large NW generally don’t care what their partner’s job is. I would say, $20m +
I’ve met some of these- they had ex spouses who were dancers, yoga instructors etc and didn’t expect a huge corporate career from me either

Jesus, you're very confident and very wrong. Speaking as a financial advisor and attorney to such men, they care very much what their significant other does. That's why they pick women whom they consider intellectual lightweights and whose lack of ambition they look down on. Oh, does that surprise you? That's because you think caring about their significant other's career means they'll pick someone who has a big career. It's the complete opposite. Those types of men want to be the center of the relationship. They want their schedules, whims, opinions, moods to be all that matters. They also want to dictate how their significant other dresses, eats, looks, thinks, behaves, lives. They want their opinions to be rules she follows without having to be told. They won't accept anything less than being in complete control because their significant other is really just an employee who lives with them. They also want whoever they're with to be easily disposable much like an at-will employee. So, they specifically look for women who don't have big careers, earning potential, social standing, or anything that would make them other than playthings. It's also why they zero in on younger women. Very consciously predatory behavior that people like you then rationalize as "Oh, he doesn't care what she does! He just wants her for her!"

We have a psychic mind reader in the forum.

Dumb retort. Just say nothing next time you get your ass handed to you.

Ass handed to me lmao. You weren't even responding to me. You just like to pretend you know what others think but you're a moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

Other than the fact you can pay your general living expenses men don't care, and don't want to talk about the daily goings on of your job.

A man who doesn't want to hear about where you spend most of your time is a man who sees you as an appendage. You might be okay with that, but OP has made it clear she's not.

PP here, not true and I wouldn't expect that she would want to hear about my work. It has nothing to do with who someone is a person and has 0 to do with our relationship. If there is something major, career altering, goal accomplished, that is one thing. But the day to day BS and drama of work stays at work.

[Anonymous]

I just don’t think you have to worry about this. Go on lots of dates. Most dates are just a mutual non-click. Have fun, don’t overthink it. If you keep meeting men you really like and enjoy spending time with but you’re hung up on their disinterest in your career, worry about it then. Usually if you meet someone you really like spending time with, this sort of issue won’t be an issue.

[Anonymous]

OP, check out Burned Haystack Method. She has a Facebook page, substack and is coming out with a book. It's a way to quickly eliminate guys that you are describing looking at the language they use on their profile (and/or in person) so that you don't waste your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

Other than the fact you can pay your general living expenses men don't care, and don't want to talk about the daily goings on of your job.

A man who doesn't want to hear about where you spend most of your time is a man who sees you as an appendage. You might be okay with that, but OP has made it clear she's not.

PP here, not true and I wouldn't expect that she would want to hear about my work. It has nothing to do with who someone is a person and has 0 to do with our relationship. If there is something major, career altering, goal accomplished, that is one thing. But the day to day BS and drama of work stays at work.

OK, let me rephrase:

YOU don't want to hear about where a woman spends most of her time because you see women as appendages. A man who knows how to be a whole and complete person, instead of a selfish idiot who evaluates everything in terms of its effect on him personally, would care about a woman's mundane experiences of joy, frustration, confusion etc. He would see those conversations as opportunities to grow closer to her. You might think you're clever enough to gaslight women that your selfishness is okay, but OP has made it clear she's not stupid enough to fall for that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am also a smart and accomplished woman and my DH cares about those things. But he definitely cares more about the fact that I do all the caretaking of our lives and our kids lives. That’s not a good thing and it’s not what I hoped for in my marriage but it’s also an incredibly common dynamic among couples at my age (a little younger than you, kids still at home). I have reached a point where I am just trying to deal with it and my primary focus is raising both my kids with different expectations, which is hard to do when they see this dynamic playing out. I want my son to be such a competent human being that it would feel odd to him to need some one to do so much for him. I have a brilliant gorgeous daughter and I look at her every single day and think about how I don’t believe for a second any man is going to take care of all the little and big problems at home so she can go out in the world and shine, and not should they. So I am trying to make sure my son doesn’t have that expectation/entitlement either. It’s for him too - I hope he has an equal and happy marriage that’s a true partnership no matter what careers he and his spouse end up with.

I have a good life and don’t plan to divorce. But if I did I would not remarry. I would just enjoy taking care of myself and enjoying my time with my kids and any grandkids I’m lucky enough to have.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, among the available men in that age group, most are not impressed by a woman’s career/credentials, and are just looking for someone who will care for them.

However, they don’t actually want to compensate women for this help (either by combining finances in marriage, or providing for their partner in an estate plan), so they want women who are independently successful/wealthy.

Remember, you are likely dating men who couldn’t make a previous marriage/partnership work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are not attracted to women’s accomplishments. Being a lawyer is likely viewed as a negative by most single guys. You could probably find a guy who is interested in your money, but you wouldn’t want that either.

Some are. DH, who has a successful career, brags to his friends about mine. He wouldn't date someone without a career. I think it's because his mom is very intelligent and worked, and he has no tolerance for mediocrity.

I'm also like this.

As a man like this, I've met many women like OP. They're great. They're also human. They get attached. They get hurt. They have baggage. I'm the same honestly.

When those women have gone through menopause, they're usually noticeably less hot than women in their 40s. Some of them are less sexually responsive too. I've really enjoyed dating some women like OP (even women in their 60s) and I've been rejected by some women like OP, but I did end up with someone younger than OP. Many men in their 50s who are OP's type do end up with younger women (younger versions of OP).