Accomplished woman trying to date after a long marriage - men are drawn primarily to my caregiving abilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

I don't know if there's an IQ issue at work here or what's going on, but you don't seem to comprehend what "relationship" means. In a relationship, BOTH people matter. So, this unsolicited treatise you've written about what men want misses fully half the equation. Go ahead and write about what women want next and then reconcile the two and you'll have some useful advice to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Strong independent woman like you don't need no man. Why are your dating?

OP here. I, too, like almost everybody, crave companionship and affection. It's not hard to understand, I think. I shouldn't be doomed to being alone merely because I can provide for myself.

Unfortunately, today's American men are the most selfish, incompetent, narcissistic, and entitled bunch in human history. Many of them really are not fit for human consumption. The answer is not to relax your standards or let some leech attach himself to you and make you unhappy. The answer is to hold fast to your standards and understand that being single is a lot better than what most women are facing currently, which is an epidemic of parasitic males who suck the life out of you and give nothing back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

Yea, and if he meets a woman who is not career oriented and highly paid, he will conjugate and control her, manipulating to meet his needs at times convenient for him. All by HIS rules, one way. Sounds so familiar !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

Yea, and if he meets a woman who is not career oriented and highly paid, he will conjugate and control her, manipulating to meet his needs at times convenient for him. All by HIS rules, one way. Sounds so familiar !

*subjugate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

OP here. Actually, yes, I am available for weekends away and longer vacations. As a business owner, one of my main goals has been to staff up to the level that minimizes my day-to-day involvement in organizational matters. Calls with important clients I can handle from anywhere.

When my kids were still at home we spent at least six weeks per year in Europe.

So, PP, it's sad that you would rule me out just by reading my profession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t begin to understand why any woman your age and accomplishments would want to date.

Now if you didn’t have any money and couldn’t provide a decent lifestyle I’d understand. Men traditionally are providers. If you’re a modern woman with her own career you don’t need a man. Men often come with significant downsides.

There is something amiss if you seriously exited a long marriage, have a career and want to date.

OP here. If I couldn't provide for myself people would call me a gold-digger if I tried to "attach myself" to an accomplished man. Now the opposite is a liability, too? Double standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

You emotions, out weight your ability to comprehend what you read.
What is selfish about what I said. The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me? How is that any different than a woman saying she doesn't want to date a man who can't afford to travel. Or doesn't want to date a man with kids because it will limit her ability to enjoy the things she enjoys? Or saying she won't date someone who refuses to fly? Travel is important to me, spending time with the person I am in a relationship with, is important to me. Where did I say or elude to only evaluating woman entirely in terms of what they can give me? If being in your 50s and wanting to be in relationship where we travel and spend time together is selfish is you definition of selfish I feel sorry for you. And I will not die single, because what I stated is not selfish and there are plenty of woman who agree with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

I don’t believe you are a guy. Real men are just not as self-absorbed as the women on this site make them out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

"Barking" is a word I hate. Most of the "barking" in a marriage comes from men. In my marriage, my DH is the only one "barking" orders in our house, and it is beyond annoying. It is why many women of OP's age conclude dating isn't worth it. Who wants to deal with men and their double standards at your age, OP? Go find a peer group of women who share your hobbies, travel, and live your best life. You'll find easy casual hookups along the way, and if you ever find a man who actually excites you, you can always change course. It's just not a goal worth pursuing anymore. You're wasting mental energy on it. Give life. Men who want a soft, cooperative woman mean they want a subservient doormat who "goes along" with whatever they want in life, which is a waste of a life. Go do you.

[Anonymous]

They are simple beings and they just want a mommy who will also have sex with them. They need so much attention, like children. Being around them reminds me of when my kids were little (although that was appropriate).

Who has time for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

You emotions, out weight your ability to comprehend what you read.
What is selfish about what I said. The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me? How is that any different than a woman saying she doesn't want to date a man who can't afford to travel. Or doesn't want to date a man with kids because it will limit her ability to enjoy the things she enjoys? Or saying she won't date someone who refuses to fly? Travel is important to me, spending time with the person I am in a relationship with, is important to me. Where did I say or elude to only evaluating woman entirely in terms of what they can give me? If being in your 50s and wanting to be in relationship where we travel and spend time together is selfish is you definition of selfish I feel sorry for you. And I will not die single, because what I stated is not selfish and there are plenty of woman who agree with me.

I think the problem (on this and on a zillion other similar threads throughout the internet) is that people confuse “I want…” with “All men want…” (or “all women want”, in some cases). For you, since you like to travel, having a demanding schedule and less flexibility is a dealbreaker. Which is perfectly fine. Everyone is entitled to their preferences, and you know what works best for you. But that can’t be generalized to all men, or used as an excuse to tell OP she belongs on the shelf simply because she is not in your personal dating pool.

While women are guilty of this too, I suspect many men try to disguise their personal preferences as universal so that they can wield them as a cudgel against women who dare to be too independent, or too old, or too whatever. “Men don’t care about your career, men don’t care about your money, they don’t want to hear about your office politics, they just want you to be soft and feminine and listen to their problems and make them dinner”. Maybe men think it sounds too nakedly selfish if they say “*I* don’t care about your career…”, and that it carries more authority if they claim to be speaking for an entire gender.

Anyway, the not so subtle message they’re trying to convince you of is that as a woman, you must choose between developing your full potential, and being partnered. “You’re only lovable when you’re less than me.” This is not a choice men ever are asked to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

Yes, because you're selfish and unfit for a relationship, you evaluate women entirely in terms of what they can give you and have no intention of compromise. You should die single.

You emotions, out weight your ability to comprehend what you read.
What is selfish about what I said. The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the ability or flexibility in their schedule to travel with me? How is that any different than a woman saying she doesn't want to date a man who can't afford to travel. Or doesn't want to date a man with kids because it will limit her ability to enjoy the things she enjoys? Or saying she won't date someone who refuses to fly? Travel is important to me, spending time with the person I am in a relationship with, is important to me. Where did I say or elude to only evaluating woman entirely in terms of what they can give me? If being in your 50s and wanting to be in relationship where we travel and spend time together is selfish is you definition of selfish I feel sorry for you. And I will not die single, because what I stated is not selfish and there are plenty of woman who agree with me.

Which woman can travel with you on demand, can you tell us? Most women still have office jobs and kids to tender to kids in their 40-50s. Only an independently wealthy woman (like OP) or a sugar baby, eg completely jobless/reliant on you to pay for her essential living expenses

[Anonymous]

they are looking for a nurse and a purse. date ... if you want, but don't tie yourself down.

most older (not that you fit that just yet) ladies i know don't want to remarry. most men do because they want someone to take care of them. cook, clean etc.