Accomplished woman trying to date after a long marriage - men are drawn primarily to my caregiving abilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should be able to find men roughly around your own age if that's your preference. You might just have to give it time. Or you might need to lower your standards.

I disagree - most divorced men I know in their 50s are having second families with younger women. It's absolutely insane to me, but that's what I see.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You should be able to find men roughly around your own age if that's your preference. You might just have to give it time. Or you might need to lower your standards.

I disagree - most divorced men I know in their 50s are having second families with younger women. It's absolutely insane to me, but that's what I see.

OP won’t be dating these men. She’ll be dating those who don’t want a second set of kids. I don’t know why you see that in your circle , but it’s not American average by far.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Why are you trying to date? I am married, not trying to date, yet men are pursuing me. Live your life and men will find you.

It does not speak well of you, your husband, and the pursuer if men are trying to date you when they know you are married.

They are not getting anywhere. The point is, you don't need to date or "try to date" to get men interested. Personally, I would never do online dating. So desperate.

I'm wondering if you are already coupled and don't know how being single works these days , or if you are a single who doesn't know how to catch a man.

I am married but I would much rather be single than do online dating.

I’m 53 and recently single, but have no interest in online dating. But I know this dramatically reduces my chances of ever meeting someone. I’m okay with that. I still have teens at home, reducing the odds even more. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

No PP but men with really large NW generally don’t care what their partner’s job is. I would say, $20m +
I’ve met some of these- they had ex spouses who were dancers, yoga instructors etc and didn’t expect a huge corporate career from me either

Jesus, you're very confident and very wrong. Speaking as a financial advisor and attorney to such men, they care very much what their significant other does. That's why they pick women whom they consider intellectual lightweights and whose lack of ambition they look down on. Oh, does that surprise you? That's because you think caring about their significant other's career means they'll pick someone who has a big career. It's the complete opposite. Those types of men want to be the center of the relationship. They want their schedules, whims, opinions, moods to be all that matters. They also want to dictate how their significant other dresses, eats, looks, thinks, behaves, lives. They want their opinions to be rules she follows without having to be told. They won't accept anything less than being in complete control because their significant other is really just an employee who lives with them. They also want whoever they're with to be easily disposable much like an at-will employee. So, they specifically look for women who don't have big careers, earning potential, social standing, or anything that would make them other than playthings. It's also why they zero in on younger women. Very consciously predatory behavior that people like you then rationalize as "Oh, he doesn't care what she does! He just wants her for her!"

Honestly, this is so true of most men, not just the high net worth ones. At every income level, consciously or unconsciously, men still pick women whose time and labor they can take advantage of in all the ways you mentioned. To pick a woman with an equal career in terms of time and earning power means that the man is going to have to contribute to her, support her and/or pick up on more parenting/household work, and still, the vast majority of men aren't interested in doing that because they perceive it costs them without getting them anything.

I'm not sure how that plays out in the 30 and under crowd, but the politics of the male right wing -- in terms of trying to nudge and drag women back into their own "women's sphere" of life, which is the very narrow role of mother and household -- make me believe that it's not any better for younger women than women OP's age.