Accomplished woman trying to date after a long marriage - men are drawn primarily to my caregiving abilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Why are you trying to date? I am married, not trying to date, yet men are pursuing me. Live your life and men will find you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

This is so transactional. It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate. She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him. There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person. Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career. She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised. Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability. On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job.

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it.

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work.

DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?

Other than the fact you can pay your general living expenses men don't care, and don't want to talk about the daily goings on of your job.

A man who doesn't want to hear about where you spend most of your time is a man who sees you as an appendage. You might be okay with that, but OP has made it clear she's not.

I’m a woman who is not very interested in hearing about anyone else’s TPS reports. And trust me, it’s all TPS reports. Do you guys share this level of work detail with your same-sex friends? I don’t. Who wants to talk about work when there are so many other things to talk about. Maybe that’s it - some of you have nothing else to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Why are you trying to date? I am married, not trying to date, yet men are pursuing me. Live your life and men will find you.

It does not speak well of you, your husband, and the pursuer if men are trying to date you when they know you are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Why are you trying to date? I am married, not trying to date, yet men are pursuing me. Live your life and men will find you.

It does not speak well of you, your husband, and the pursuer if men are trying to date you when they know you are married.

I think it probably means she is interesting and attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Why are you trying to date? I am married, not trying to date, yet men are pursuing me. Live your life and men will find you.

It does not speak well of you, your husband, and the pursuer if men are trying to date you when they know you are married.

They are not getting anywhere. The point is, you don't need to date or "try to date" to get men interested. Personally, I would never do online dating. So desperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Why are you trying to date? I am married, not trying to date, yet men are pursuing me. Live your life and men will find you.

It does not speak well of you, your husband, and the pursuer if men are trying to date you when they know you are married.

They are not getting anywhere. The point is, you don't need to date or "try to date" to get men interested. Personally, I would never do online dating. So desperate.

And you would be wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Why are you trying to date? I am married, not trying to date, yet men are pursuing me. Live your life and men will find you.

It does not speak well of you, your husband, and the pursuer if men are trying to date you when they know you are married.

They are not getting anywhere. The point is, you don't need to date or "try to date" to get men interested. Personally, I would never do online dating. So desperate.

I'm wondering if you are already coupled and don't know how being single works these days , or if you are a single who doesn't know how to catch a man.

[Anonymous]

Just date men age 52-45. Don't date the old guys.

I was dating in your age bracket and I did not meet anyone over age 52.

I had no problem meeting men who were still working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a PhD and a JD, own my law firm, own a beautiful home, and have a wide range of interests.
I am almost 50 y.o. and trying to date after a long marriage. Strangely, the guys 10+ years older than me seem to be drawn primarily to my ability and willingness to put a lot of effort into them, which from their point of view translates to caregiving and getting done everything in day-to-day life. I get to hear a lot about their health issues.

Quite disappointing... At this stage of my life dating is very different than 25 years ago when it was all about building a family and a future together.

Anybody else had this experience?

At the same time, I am not willing to date men much younger than me. Not interested in casual affairs with 30 somethings.

Men my age seem to want to date only younger...

Why are you trying to date? I am married, not trying to date, yet men are pursuing me. Live your life and men will find you.

It does not speak well of you, your husband, and the pursuer if men are trying to date you when they know you are married.

They are not getting anywhere. The point is, you don't need to date or "try to date" to get men interested. Personally, I would never do online dating. So desperate.

I'm wondering if you are already coupled and don't know how being single works these days , or if you are a single who doesn't know how to catch a man.

I am married but I would much rather be single than do online dating.

[Anonymous]

10:42 poster again

Screen by age. Do not meet anyone over 52.

I was age 49 dating and did not encounter your problems.

The men I dated all worked jobs and expected to still be working for another 20 years.

Don't go on and on about your business and your law degree. Don't go on and on about your varied interests. Keep things very light. Ask the men open ended questions about themselves.

Let the man be a man. Have the man pick your first meeting place. You can always suggest something different but let the man take the lead. Let the man arrange your first 5 dates.

The men I met were all fit and vibrant and educated working men with jobs. Not once did anyone complain about their health. Again, I screened for age and did not meet anyone over 52.

Avoid dating men in their 60's. Date men age 45-52. You will meet fewer men but you won't waste your time with the old guys.

Be open to meeting men from all walks of life.
Keep things light initially. Have low expectations. Have a nice evening out.

In your profile I'd downplay the whole PHd, law business, beautiful home etc. I'd post that you own a business OR you work in the legal industry.

If you mention your PHd, Law degree, fancy home ownership etc that is intimidating to a lot of decent men who have a bachelor's degree, are fit, work good jobs and don't have health issues.

Your goal is to meet a large swath of men age 45-52.

Take a look at your profile and modify it. I understand you are a highly accomplished woman but you don't want to be intimidating to men that are fit. Don't engage with anyone over 52.

Be open to meeting men with a batchelors degree.

If you are online dating understand it is very unrealistic for a 50 year old woman to meet a man online who owns multiple business, second homes etc. Those men do not even make it to the online dating market. They get snatched up quickly once they are divorced by women in their circle.

Modify your profile and change your approach and you should meet plenty of healthy, fit engaged and active men in your age bracket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I meant that 25 years ago guys cared about my career, our potential standard of living, and compatibility of our hobbies. All this does not seem to be important to them now.

It wasn't important to them then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.

As a guy this 100% correct. When I hear own you own firm and heavily invested in your career, I hear a lot less weekends away and minimal if any longer vacations.

OP here. Actually, yes, I am available for weekends away and longer vacations. As a business owner, one of my main goals has been to staff up to the level that minimizes my day-to-day involvement in organizational matters. Calls with important clients I can handle from anywhere.

When my kids were still at home we spent at least six weeks per year in Europe.

So, PP, it's sad that you would rule me out just by reading my profession.

OP, I am a woman but you don't want your profile to read like a business resume. I agree with the prior poster that many would interpret that you have an exceptionally demanding career. A lot of men who are still working will screen you out for this and thus you are getting matched with the old, retired duds. MODIFY your profile. Your goal is to meet men. You can let your business interests unfold gradually upon meeting the men and I'd still keep it simple on the first date. You don't need to share your P&L on your first date.

Your goal is to meet fit men who are still working and are close to you in age. Modify your profile to eliminate the advanced degrees and the business talk. No one cares about your degrees when you are 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again. Just pointing out the obvious but you are probably mostly dating retired men, they have left the world of work behind or soon will. So they are much less interested in the professional sphere and are basically looking for a woman who still wants to have sex and will be a nice companion for them.

OP here. That may be true, but their lack of empathy bothers me. They don't seem to recognize that my profession is a big part of my life. There are no questions about how my day was at the office, what my current issues are, what work changes am I grappling with.

It is unrealistic to get those kind of questions on your first 4-5 dates from a man. Most men will not want to appear to be gold diggers. In a long term relationship you should be able to get that level of support.

In the meantime if you need that level of work support you should get it at a therapist's office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:42 poster again

Screen by age. Do not meet anyone over 52.

I was age 49 dating and did not encounter your problems.

The men I dated all worked jobs and expected to still be working for another 20 years.

Don't go on and on about your business and your law degree. Don't go on and on about your varied interests. Keep things very light. Ask the men open ended questions about themselves.

Let the man be a man. Have the man pick your first meeting place. You can always suggest something different but let the man take the lead. Let the man arrange your first 5 dates.

The men I met were all fit and vibrant and educated working men with jobs. Not once did anyone complain about their health. Again, I screened for age and did not meet anyone over 52.

Avoid dating men in their 60's. Date men age 45-52. You will meet fewer men but you won't waste your time with the old guys.

Be open to meeting men from all walks of life.
Keep things light initially. Have low expectations. Have a nice evening out.

In your profile I'd downplay the whole PHd, law business, beautiful home etc. I'd post that you own a business OR you work in the legal industry.

If you mention your PHd, Law degree, fancy home ownership etc that is intimidating to a lot of decent men who have a bachelor's degree, are fit, work good jobs and don't have health issues.

Your goal is to meet a large swath of men age 45-52.

Take a look at your profile and modify it. I understand you are a highly accomplished woman but you don't want to be intimidating to men that are fit. Don't engage with anyone over 52.

Be open to meeting men with a batchelors degree.

If you are online dating understand it is very unrealistic for a 50 year old woman to meet a man online who owns multiple business, second homes etc. Those men do not even make it to the online dating market. They get snatched up quickly once they are divorced by women in their circle.

Modify your profile and change your approach and you should meet plenty of healthy, fit engaged and active men in your age bracket.

Agree with all above (another late 40s woman here). The only thing I disagree is that all wealthy men get "snatched" soon after divorce and don't appear on the apps. I've met uber wealthy men on the apps - law partners, owners of networks of medical clinics, VPs of international organizations, legislators for both parties (yes, even world famous men are on the apps!). But wealth and integrity is generally not directly correlated so OP is not missing on much if she doesn't meet them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again. Just pointing out the obvious but you are probably mostly dating retired men, they have left the world of work behind or soon will. So they are much less interested in the professional sphere and are basically looking for a woman who still wants to have sex and will be a nice companion for them.

OP here. That may be true, but their lack of empathy bothers me. They don't seem to recognize that my profession is a big part of my life. There are no questions about how my day was at the office, what my current issues are, what work changes am I grappling with.

It is unrealistic to get those kind of questions on your first 4-5 dates from a man. Most men will not want to appear to be gold diggers. In a long term relationship you should be able to get that level of support.

In the meantime if you need that level of work support you should get it at a therapist's office.

Yes, OP is approaching dating as job interview so she meets those who want to "hire" her for whatever their needs are. If some guy puts me through a job interview list of questions on first date I pass immediately.