Tone deaf parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I reached out to DH's sibling, to see how they were coping through it all, and asked them too if maybe we can all ask grandparents for some sort of help. And they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Said that I was insane to even think that. That under no circumstances would they ask ILs for help, that they deserve to live however they want. I asked, "but don't you feel sad that they are not helping your or us in any way?" Their divorce is bad, messy custody battle. And again, they told me "it's my life, I'll deal with it, and so should you and my brother." Apparently, their relationship with ILs is just fine.

I didn't grow up that way. We were poor but we were at least kind to each other. These people are cold.

And you are lazy and immature. You and your DH need to work.

we are really trying. He applied to so many jobs. I can only work part-time; my old employer doesn't need part-timers and I tried getting jobs elsewhere. Rejections suck.

With your husband not working you can work FT. You can work nights and weekends even if he was working. Drop the PT excuse. Restaurants everywhere are desperate for workers, you have no excuse to not be working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I reached out to DH's sibling, to see how they were coping through it all, and asked them too if maybe we can all ask grandparents for some sort of help. And they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Said that I was insane to even think that. That under no circumstances would they ask ILs for help, that they deserve to live however they want. I asked, "but don't you feel sad that they are not helping your or us in any way?" Their divorce is bad, messy custody battle. And again, they told me "it's my life, I'll deal with it, and so should you and my brother." Apparently, their relationship with ILs is just fine.

I didn't grow up that way. We were poor but we were at least kind to each other. These people are cold.

They are not wrong. And your ILs are not cold people because you haven’t made the effort to work and bring in money for your family. It’s so unbelievably selfish that you have your hand out for help when you’ve done nothing to support your family.

[Anonymous]

Op well done. Now your in-laws think you’re a lazy mooch, and so does your brother in law! Quite an accompaniment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you or your husband needs to work. Period. Even if it’s in retail. Your in laws aren’t going to give you money when you’re two able bodied adults , neither working, and complaining about being broke. Your husband can work retail and you can offer to dog walk or to babysit , both very easy to do with having kids at home yes even SN kids. Babysit in your own home. If your in laws see you trying to actually help yourselves they might be more inclined to help you too but if neither of you are working that’s unusual.

You both need to work. Lots of retail jobs will be available as the holidays get closer. It's ridiculous that you're both not even working part-time.

How long has it been since you worked retail? I am doing it now. It's a lot more difficult than you might think to get a full-time schedule; most places want to avoid the obligation to provide benefits of any kind and manipulate the schedule to keep their workers under 30 hours a week. A 30 hour a week schedule at minimum wage in the county where I work is $450 a week.

Part-time schedules are not predictable, which can also cause real problems when there is child care (or, as in this case, special needs for therapy) in the mix. Ironically, the only reason I can do this retail job is because my spouse SAH FT.

OP, I am sorry that you are going through this and that folks here are giving you such a rough time. I think it's completely normal for you to feel that your in-laws are tone-deaf, because they are. But that doesn't mean they will turn into viable helpers to you; the sibling's response, in particular, strongly suggests that this will never occur.

So I would set their social media pics so that you can't see them and not allow yourself to count other people's money. Hang in there--you will land on your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you or your husband needs to work. Period. Even if it’s in retail. Your in laws aren’t going to give you money when you’re two able bodied adults , neither working, and complaining about being broke. Your husband can work retail and you can offer to dog walk or to babysit , both very easy to do with having kids at home yes even SN kids. Babysit in your own home. If your in laws see you trying to actually help yourselves they might be more inclined to help you too but if neither of you are working that’s unusual.

You both need to work. Lots of retail jobs will be available as the holidays get closer. It's ridiculous that you're both not even working part-time.

How long has it been since you worked retail? I am doing it now. It's a lot more difficult than you might think to get a full-time schedule; most places want to avoid the obligation to provide benefits of any kind and manipulate the schedule to keep their workers under 30 hours a week. A 30 hour a week schedule at minimum wage in the county where I work is $450 a week.

Part-time schedules are not predictable, which can also cause real problems when there is child care (or, as in this case, special needs for therapy) in the mix. Ironically, the only reason I can do this retail job is because my spouse SAH FT.

OP, I am sorry that you are going through this and that folks here are giving you such a rough time. I think it's completely normal for you to feel that your in-laws are tone-deaf, because they are. But that doesn't mean they will turn into viable helpers to you; the sibling's response, in particular, strongly suggests that this will never occur.

So I would set their social media pics so that you can't see them and not allow yourself to count other people's money. Hang in there--you will land on your feet.

Conveniently, neither op nor her husband are currently working so they don’t need a predictable schedule. And pt money is better than no money (or better than asking your parents for money while you don’t work). So not seeing what the problem is here?

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about what you might get if you get help from the in-laws? Money might come with a lot of strings and involvement that would make life worse. It’s a gift you have in-laws that have cut the strings. It’s better to be independent and making your own way. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you or your husband needs to work. Period. Even if it’s in retail. Your in laws aren’t going to give you money when you’re two able bodied adults , neither working, and complaining about being broke. Your husband can work retail and you can offer to dog walk or to babysit , both very easy to do with having kids at home yes even SN kids. Babysit in your own home. If your in laws see you trying to actually help yourselves they might be more inclined to help you too but if neither of you are working that’s unusual.

You both need to work. Lots of retail jobs will be available as the holidays get closer. It's ridiculous that you're both not even working part-time.

How long has it been since you worked retail? I am doing it now. It's a lot more difficult than you might think to get a full-time schedule; most places want to avoid the obligation to provide benefits of any kind and manipulate the schedule to keep their workers under 30 hours a week. A 30 hour a week schedule at minimum wage in the county where I work is $450 a week.

Part-time schedules are not predictable, which can also cause real problems when there is child care (or, as in this case, special needs for therapy) in the mix. Ironically, the only reason I can do this retail job is because my spouse SAH FT.

OP, I am sorry that you are going through this and that folks here are giving you such a rough time. I think it's completely normal for you to feel that your in-laws are tone-deaf, because they are. But that doesn't mean they will turn into viable helpers to you; the sibling's response, in particular, strongly suggests that this will never occur.

So I would set their social media pics so that you can't see them and not allow yourself to count other people's money. Hang in there--you will land on your feet.

Conveniently, neither op nor her husband are currently working so they don’t need a predictable schedule. And pt money is better than no money (or better than asking your parents for money while you don’t work). So not seeing what the problem is here?

If they were both working 40 hr weeks in retail, they would have $3600 a month pretax. Realistically it is likely to be quite a bit less than that—beneath the FPL for a family of four—and would not forestall the need for money to come from somewhere else as well. So your sense that this recommendation is a game-changer is misplaced.

Also you are being rude to someone having a hard time—that is the main problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who immigrated as a child with her parents from then Soviet Union - my parents would help us if we needed but yes - they would consider this a minor and fixable problem because they came here with no money, no connections, limited English skills and worked very hard for an upper middle class life. So being laid off in a country where you speak the language and know how to navigate would look like a minor issue to them. Also, that class and that generation does look down on women who don’t work and considers education/career a big deal so I believe they probably do look down on you which doesn’t help.

This said - has your husband tried to be blunt with them? About what he needs and wants from them? That particular subculture deals in bluntness a lot and may not even think you need help or want something more emotionally or otherwise unless you tell them because they operate on the assumption that you speak up. My whole family and all the people of similar background I know are that way.

Good luck, OP! Hope things improve.

This OP. If they were working adults in 80’s or 90’s in Soviet Union / Russia, they went through economic crisis that you cannot even imagine. No salaries were paid, total collapse of economy, total collapse of country with its systems.

Yes, you feel that they don’t understand or sympathize with you, but based on what you wrote, you do not seem to understand them and the circumstances that they came from either.

[Anonymous]

You have to understand that the reason the in-laws think it’s so important for women and couples to work is so the family doesn’t fall into the situation the OP faces. When you have lived in dire financial circumstances, some grow up believing you do everything in your power to avoid that risk. It is unfathomable to them that an able bodied adult would not work and risk a situation where the family is not able to support themselves. They live their life according to their values. The OP has different values (which is perfectly acceptable) but is now complaining because the in-laws aren’t living according to the OP’s values (helping a SAH mom). You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say you feel judged by not living your life like them and then turn around and judge because they are not doing what you would do in that situation. The brother in law understands that the parents are not responsible for help. Only you and your husband can change your situation.


Don’t get me wrong. It would be wonderful for the parents to help but they are not required to give up their standard of living to help raise yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I reached out to DH's sibling, to see how they were coping through it all, and asked them too if maybe we can all ask grandparents for some sort of help. And they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Said that I was insane to even think that. That under no circumstances would they ask ILs for help, that they deserve to live however they want. I asked, "but don't you feel sad that they are not helping your or us in any way?" Their divorce is bad, messy custody battle. And again, they told me "it's my life, I'll deal with it, and so should you and my brother." Apparently, their relationship with ILs is just fine.

I didn't grow up that way. We were poor but we were at least kind to each other. These people are cold.

And you are lazy and immature. You and your DH need to work.

we are really trying. He applied to so many jobs. I can only work part-time; my old employer doesn't need part-timers and I tried getting jobs elsewhere. Rejections suck.

With your husband not working you can work FT. You can work nights and weekends even if he was working. Drop the PT excuse. Restaurants everywhere are desperate for workers, you have no excuse to not be working.

Starbuck's is part-time. They pay $17-ish an hour. My college age daughter brings in around $1k a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes with the job loss and the special needs kid. We were briefly homeless for a while. My husband's older brother took us in.

But I did not begrudge my immigrant FIL and MIL anything. They literally survived a war. They emerged out of it with nothing. My husband and his older siblings went hungry as children. He remembers nothing from the war, but he remembers the feeling of gnawing hunger in his belly - which is why he hoards food today.

I would never dare to equate any of my sufferings with theirs.

We are now in a much better place.

Maybe your in-laws are tone-deaf and insensitive. But beware of making this into a bigger crime than it is, just because you are currently feeling very vulnerable and afraid.
Things will turn around for you. Think long-term. My SN kid clawed his way to a decent university. We have enough money now. It took time and labor to reach our current stability. You will get there too.

Me again. Re the special needs, no one in my family or my husband's family understood. We received some pretty out-there comments, but we weren't surprised. Our families grew up with lots of health taboos, particularly mental health. To them it's all gobbledygook.

Water off a duck's back, OP. You need to have a thick skin to raise a child with SN.

One of the first things MIL said when I told them about DC' diagnosis was "well, they sure didn't get it from our side of the family." I just died right then and there.

A lot of families are like that, especially immigrants (I know my spouse is from another asian country and I received a lot of resistance when I got our kid tested and put into therapies). They would rather stick their head in the sand and assume nothing is wrong than admit their "family created a kid with any issues"

Our kid's needs were small relative to most kids, but the intesive therapies and $$$ was well spent. They graduated college in 4 years (from a T100) and work for a great company, but without all those therapies starting in the preschool years thru HS, they might still be living at home, struggling to find their path. As a parent you do all you can as early as possible to open all the doors possible for your kid

add in the fact that lately at this website there are regular posts titled "why is it that fill-in-the-blank-culture has no autism?". I've seen Indian, Asian, Amish, Russian in the fill in the blank portion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who immigrated as a child with her parents from then Soviet Union - my parents would help us if we needed but yes - they would consider this a minor and fixable problem because they came here with no money, no connections, limited English skills and worked very hard for an upper middle class life. So being laid off in a country where you speak the language and know how to navigate would look like a minor issue to them. Also, that class and that generation does look down on women who don’t work and considers education/career a big deal so I believe they probably do look down on you which doesn’t help.

This said - has your husband tried to be blunt with them? About what he needs and wants from them? That particular subculture deals in bluntness a lot and may not even think you need help or want something more emotionally or otherwise unless you tell them because they operate on the assumption that you speak up. My whole family and all the people of similar background I know are that way.

Good luck, OP! Hope things improve.

This OP. If they were working adults in 80’s or 90’s in Soviet Union / Russia, they went through economic crisis that you cannot even imagine. No salaries were paid, total collapse of economy, total collapse of country with its systems.

Yes, you feel that they don’t understand or sympathize with you, but based on what you wrote, you do not seem to understand them and the circumstances that they came from either.

I am trying to understand them. They came with nothing, almost no English, I admire what they went through. Low paid jobs, several families crammed in a small apartment. They got themselves through college, got nice jobs, raised children here. But they look down on people who are in dire circumstances and to me, that's very snobby. I know I am a disappointment to them, I am someone with just an Associate degree, they couldn't comprehend why their smart son, with two masters degrees, chose me. Ask me how I know what they think of me. They didn't exactly hide their displeasure at our wedding and kept to themselves and their crowd.

I know I should bite the bullet and just reach out myself, and ask to at least help us pay for therapies. But I am afraid of what I'll hear back. That we brought all this on ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who immigrated as a child with her parents from then Soviet Union - my parents would help us if we needed but yes - they would consider this a minor and fixable problem because they came here with no money, no connections, limited English skills and worked very hard for an upper middle class life. So being laid off in a country where you speak the language and know how to navigate would look like a minor issue to them. Also, that class and that generation does look down on women who don’t work and considers education/career a big deal so I believe they probably do look down on you which doesn’t help.

This said - has your husband tried to be blunt with them? About what he needs and wants from them? That particular subculture deals in bluntness a lot and may not even think you need help or want something more emotionally or otherwise unless you tell them because they operate on the assumption that you speak up. My whole family and all the people of similar background I know are that way.

Good luck, OP! Hope things improve.

This OP. If they were working adults in 80’s or 90’s in Soviet Union / Russia, they went through economic crisis that you cannot even imagine. No salaries were paid, total collapse of economy, total collapse of country with its systems.

Yes, you feel that they don’t understand or sympathize with you, but based on what you wrote, you do not seem to understand them and the circumstances that they came from either.

I am trying to understand them. They came with nothing, almost no English, I admire what they went through. Low paid jobs, several families crammed in a small apartment. They got themselves through college, got nice jobs, raised children here. But they look down on people who are in dire circumstances and to me, that's very snobby. I know I am a disappointment to them, I am someone with just an Associate degree, they couldn't comprehend why their smart son, with two masters degrees, chose me. Ask me how I know what they think of me. They didn't exactly hide their displeasure at our wedding and kept to themselves and their crowd.

I know I should bite the bullet and just reach out myself, and ask to at least help us pay for therapies. But I am afraid of what I'll hear back. That we brought all this on ourselves.

OP, I think you are right and that this is what you would hear back. I would prepare for it. Your husband has to be the one who asks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who immigrated as a child with her parents from then Soviet Union - my parents would help us if we needed but yes - they would consider this a minor and fixable problem because they came here with no money, no connections, limited English skills and worked very hard for an upper middle class life. So being laid off in a country where you speak the language and know how to navigate would look like a minor issue to them. Also, that class and that generation does look down on women who don’t work and considers education/career a big deal so I believe they probably do look down on you which doesn’t help.

This said - has your husband tried to be blunt with them? About what he needs and wants from them? That particular subculture deals in bluntness a lot and may not even think you need help or want something more emotionally or otherwise unless you tell them because they operate on the assumption that you speak up. My whole family and all the people of similar background I know are that way.

Good luck, OP! Hope things improve.

This OP. If they were working adults in 80’s or 90’s in Soviet Union / Russia, they went through economic crisis that you cannot even imagine. No salaries were paid, total collapse of economy, total collapse of country with its systems.

Yes, you feel that they don’t understand or sympathize with you, but based on what you wrote, you do not seem to understand them and the circumstances that they came from either.

I am trying to understand them. They came with nothing, almost no English, I admire what they went through. Low paid jobs, several families crammed in a small apartment. They got themselves through college, got nice jobs, raised children here. But they look down on people who are in dire circumstances and to me, that's very snobby. I know I am a disappointment to them, I am someone with just an Associate degree, they couldn't comprehend why their smart son, with two masters degrees, chose me. Ask me how I know what they think of me. They didn't exactly hide their displeasure at our wedding and kept to themselves and their crowd.

I know I should bite the bullet and just reach out myself, and ask to at least help us pay for therapies. But I am afraid of what I'll hear back. That we brought all this on ourselves.

Op. You are too focused on your ILs, what they think of you, that you’re disappointment to them etc. Please snap out of that mindset, and stop focusing on them. You have a crisis on your hands, so focus on solutions and how to get out of it. Forget your ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who immigrated as a child with her parents from then Soviet Union - my parents would help us if we needed but yes - they would consider this a minor and fixable problem because they came here with no money, no connections, limited English skills and worked very hard for an upper middle class life. So being laid off in a country where you speak the language and know how to navigate would look like a minor issue to them. Also, that class and that generation does look down on women who don’t work and considers education/career a big deal so I believe they probably do look down on you which doesn’t help.

This said - has your husband tried to be blunt with them? About what he needs and wants from them? That particular subculture deals in bluntness a lot and may not even think you need help or want something more emotionally or otherwise unless you tell them because they operate on the assumption that you speak up. My whole family and all the people of similar background I know are that way.

Good luck, OP! Hope things improve.

This OP. If they were working adults in 80’s or 90’s in Soviet Union / Russia, they went through economic crisis that you cannot even imagine. No salaries were paid, total collapse of economy, total collapse of country with its systems.

Yes, you feel that they don’t understand or sympathize with you, but based on what you wrote, you do not seem to understand them and the circumstances that they came from either.

I am trying to understand them. They came with nothing, almost no English, I admire what they went through. Low paid jobs, several families crammed in a small apartment. They got themselves through college, got nice jobs, raised children here. But they look down on people who are in dire circumstances and to me, that's very snobby. I know I am a disappointment to them, I am someone with just an Associate degree, they couldn't comprehend why their smart son, with two masters degrees, chose me. Ask me how I know what they think of me. They didn't exactly hide their displeasure at our wedding and kept to themselves and their crowd.

I know I should bite the bullet and just reach out myself, and ask to at least help us pay for therapies. But I am afraid of what I'll hear back. That we brought all this on ourselves.

I don’t think it’s snobbish to look down on people who fail to extricate themselves from circumstances when they themselves extricated themselves from worse circumstances.

This said - clearly they were willing to do a lot of things that you and your husband are unwilling to do in order to dig themselves out. So it’s pretty understandable for them not to think you need help because to them you are not in such an extreme circumstance and/or if you were, you’d be doing more to dig yourself out.

I am a PP from the former Soviet Union btw and I would never ask my parents for help unless the alternative was literally being on the street. Clearly your brother in law shares my view and your in-laws’ view. To me, you shouldn’t ask just because situation is tough - you should make changes and choices which aren’t great - part time job/moving/etc - but would result in survival; to you, you should be able to ask or they should offer when things are not great but not dire. Neither is a superior view but it does show a culture clash.

Where is your husband in all of this? Does he agree with his brother or is he on your side? Because if it’s the former, you can’t ask them for money and if it’s the latter, he should be the one asking.