Tone deaf parents

[Anonymous]

Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you want your ILs to give you money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

It's only my Mom and my younger siblings who are working and going to school. They can babysit once in a while or listen but that's about it.

We've already cancelled OT and are doing it at home but DC needs speech, PT. We've cancelled our other DC's Cub Scouts and soccer because we are that stretched thin. He was so upset, it broke our hearts, he loves soccer. We have enough money for mortgage. gas, therapies. Most of our food comes from food banks. I also have a small vegetable garden.

I am crying. His parents can afford vacations, Broadway shows, regular friends outings at expensive restaurants, but it doesn't occur to them that maybe their children, let alone grandchildren, are struggling. That maybe more than a superficial text message would help. Maybe offer to pay for their grandchild's therapy, because yes, they can afford it. He is their blood.

[Anonymous]

As someone who immigrated as a child with her parents from then Soviet Union - my parents would help us if we needed but yes - they would consider this a minor and fixable problem because they came here with no money, no connections, limited English skills and worked very hard for an upper middle class life. So being laid off in a country where you speak the language and know how to navigate would look like a minor issue to them. Also, that class and that generation does look down on women who don’t work and considers education/career a big deal so I believe they probably do look down on you which doesn’t help.

This said - has your husband tried to be blunt with them? About what he needs and wants from them? That particular subculture deals in bluntness a lot and may not even think you need help or want something more emotionally or otherwise unless you tell them because they operate on the assumption that you speak up. My whole family and all the people of similar background I know are that way.

Good luck, OP! Hope things improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes with the job loss and the special needs kid. We were briefly homeless for a while. My husband's older brother took us in.

But I did not begrudge my immigrant FIL and MIL anything. They literally survived a war. They emerged out of it with nothing. My husband and his older siblings went hungry as children. He remembers nothing from the war, but he remembers the feeling of gnawing hunger in his belly - which is why he hoards food today.

I would never dare to equate any of my sufferings with theirs.

We are now in a much better place.

Maybe your in-laws are tone-deaf and insensitive. But beware of making this into a bigger crime than it is, just because you are currently feeling very vulnerable and afraid.
Things will turn around for you. Think long-term. My SN kid clawed his way to a decent university. We have enough money now. It took time and labor to reach our current stability. You will get there too.

Me again. Re the special needs, no one in my family or my husband's family understood. We received some pretty out-there comments, but we weren't surprised. Our families grew up with lots of health taboos, particularly mental health. To them it's all gobbledygook.

Water off a duck's back, OP. You need to have a thick skin to raise a child with SN.

One of the first things MIL said when I told them about DC' diagnosis was "well, they sure didn't get it from our side of the family." I just died right then and there.

Hahaahahahaha.

NP. My immigrant ex-MIL is a translator for her school district for families of children with neurodivergence. My ex-DH was diagnosed with autism as an adult after years of major issues that caused terrible problems within our marriage. Ex-MIL had no idea and was always saying horribly judgmental things about her parent clients who were in denial about their children and “how could they not know.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

It's only my Mom and my younger siblings who are working and going to school. They can babysit once in a while or listen but that's about it.

We've already cancelled OT and are doing it at home but DC needs speech, PT. We've cancelled our other DC's Cub Scouts and soccer because we are that stretched thin. He was so upset, it broke our hearts, he loves soccer. We have enough money for mortgage. gas, therapies. Most of our food comes from food banks. I also have a small vegetable garden.

I am crying. His parents can afford vacations, Broadway shows, regular friends outings at expensive restaurants, but it doesn't occur to them that maybe their children, let alone grandchildren, are struggling. That maybe more than a superficial text message would help. Maybe offer to pay for their grandchild's therapy, because yes, they can afford it. He is their blood.

No. This is your child that you chose to have. This is your responsibility. They already fulfilled their responsibility. By raising the children they had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are the most tone and self-absorbed deaf people I've ever met. I get it, they are self-made, immigrants who came to this country with nothing. But they should not rub it in. DH has been out of work since February, former fed. I am an SAHM, because one of our DCs is SNs. I know they detest the fact that I don't have a "regular job". ILs know of our struggles. DH is struggling, he is depressed, I am exhausted, have some compassion. Their other DC is going through a very bad divorce. And then I see their vacation pictures on social media, comments about "living life to the fullest." They don't visit us, they don't invite us over, maybe a phone call once a week, a text here and there.

I don't know, maybe invite over your struggling DCs, visit, offer some moral support. I won't even say "financial support" because I know the response I'll get: "we gave our children everything, now they are on their own". Our savings are disappearing fast, we are cutting corners everywhere.

By age 60 yo you’ve seen and experienced so many ups and downs you do do more celebrating of life.
However they can also provide some emotional support and empathy.
Have you reached out to them and told them a check in would be nice or there are some struggles? Ask them for some help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP. they worked hard and deserve their lives. They are not traveling and posting to spite you. It’s ok for parents to expect their grown kids to support themselves.

I’m sorry for your difficulties. PP is right that both of you should be job hunting. And maybe you can consider a different area of the country.

Just say hey XYZ is looking depressed, can you be a good listener and help me get him out of his funk or make a game plan?

[Anonymous]

FYI talking to people who have been laid off before may help. By age 50 many of us have. Grieve, then make a good plan for outreach and new job targeting . Then do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes with the job loss and the special needs kid. We were briefly homeless for a while. My husband's older brother took us in.

But I did not begrudge my immigrant FIL and MIL anything. They literally survived a war. They emerged out of it with nothing. My husband and his older siblings went hungry as children. He remembers nothing from the war, but he remembers the feeling of gnawing hunger in his belly - which is why he hoards food today.

I would never dare to equate any of my sufferings with theirs.

We are now in a much better place.

Maybe your in-laws are tone-deaf and insensitive. But beware of making this into a bigger crime than it is, just because you are currently feeling very vulnerable and afraid.
Things will turn around for you. Think long-term. My SN kid clawed his way to a decent university. We have enough money now. It took time and labor to reach our current stability. You will get there too.

Me again. Re the special needs, no one in my family or my husband's family understood. We received some pretty out-there comments, but we weren't surprised. Our families grew up with lots of health taboos, particularly mental health. To them it's all gobbledygook.

Water off a duck's back, OP. You need to have a thick skin to raise a child with SN.

One of the first things MIL said when I told them about DC' diagnosis was "well, they sure didn't get it from our side of the family." I just died right then and there.

Hahaahahahaha.

NP. My immigrant ex-MIL is a translator for her school district for families of children with neurodivergence. My ex-DH was diagnosed with autism as an adult after years of major issues that caused terrible problems within our marriage. Ex-MIL had no idea and was always saying horribly judgmental things about her parent clients who were in denial about their children and “how could they not know.”

Ugh
Autism is definitely not a “takes one to know one” thing. It takes an NT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FYI talking to people who have been laid off before may help. By age 50 many of us have. Grieve, then make a good plan for outreach and new job targeting . Then do it.

He's been doing everything. Networking, updating his resume, going to job fairs. He has a few consulting gigs but they are not stable. His salary plummeted. We used to be well off just on his salary and now we are barely making ends meet. And when he talks to his parents, I can hear them ask about his job search, but they never offer any advice, let alone a solution. I know they judge us that he is not really employed and that I am an SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you want your ILs to give you money.

We don't think they owe us anything. But we could really use help and yes, we need financial help. They know we are struggling and nothing.

[Anonymous]

You need to get a job. You can work in a restaurant during the day when your husband isn’t interviewing or nights and weekends. It’s been 8 months since your husband lost his job. If your savings are dwindling, get a job. You can cut back on therapies. Again, get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI talking to people who have been laid off before may help. By age 50 many of us have. Grieve, then make a good plan for outreach and new job targeting . Then do it.

He's been doing everything. Networking, updating his resume, going to job fairs. He has a few consulting gigs but they are not stable. His salary plummeted. We used to be well off just on his salary and now we are barely making ends meet. And when he talks to his parents, I can hear them ask about his job search, but they never offer any advice, let alone a solution. I know they judge us that he is not really employed and that I am an SAHM.

I’m in your shoes. It’s humbling. SAHM back at work- very part-time. Husband is not working. Business is disarray. Mortgage business- need I say more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

It's only my Mom and my younger siblings who are working and going to school. They can babysit once in a while or listen but that's about it.

We've already cancelled OT and are doing it at home but DC needs speech, PT. We've cancelled our other DC's Cub Scouts and soccer because we are that stretched thin. He was so upset, it broke our hearts, he loves soccer. We have enough money for mortgage. gas, therapies. Most of our food comes from food banks. I also have a small vegetable garden.

I am crying. His parents can afford vacations, Broadway shows, regular friends outings at expensive restaurants, but it doesn't occur to them that maybe their children, let alone grandchildren, are struggling. That maybe more than a superficial text message would help. Maybe offer to pay for their grandchild's therapy, because yes, they can afford it. He is their blood.

You need to work OP. The ILs are not going to support you, even if they can afford it, when you’re perfectly capable of making money. They shouldn’t financially support for your family when you won’t even financially support your family.