Tone deaf parents

[Anonymous]

My ILs are the most tone and self-absorbed deaf people I've ever met. I get it, they are self-made, immigrants who came to this country with nothing. But they should not rub it in. DH has been out of work since February, former fed. I am an SAHM, because one of our DCs is SNs. I know they detest the fact that I don't have a "regular job". ILs know of our struggles. DH is struggling, he is depressed, I am exhausted, have some compassion. Their other DC is going through a very bad divorce. And then I see their vacation pictures on social media, comments about "living life to the fullest." They don't visit us, they don't invite us over, maybe a phone call once a week, a text here and there.

I don't know, maybe invite over your struggling DCs, visit, offer some moral support. I won't even say "financial support" because I know the response I'll get: "we gave our children everything, now they are on their own". Our savings are disappearing fast, we are cutting corners everywhere.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time but there's nothing wrong with them going on vacations and posting about it. They worked really hard for many decades and are now enjoying themselves. Hide their feed if it makes you feel bad. They don't owe you anything.

Have you considered getting part time work, consulting, tutoring, your DH being the SAHP and you working full time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're going through a hard time but there's nothing wrong with them going on vacations and posting about it. They worked really hard for many decades and are now enjoying themselves. Hide their feed if it makes you feel bad. They don't owe you anything.

Have you considered getting part time work, consulting, tutoring, your DH being the SAHP and you working full time?

I have considered it, of course. But we will not earn much on my income, I am not nearly as well-educated as DH and I don't have that many years of experience, which is something ILs have made comments about. Yes, they told DH he married down. We made a conscientious decision that I would be a SAHM, take our kids to preschools, therapies. DH is consulting here and there but it is not a stable income and our DC's therapies are not covered by insurance. We haven't been out in ages, I am just so out.

I get it, they don't owe us anything. They paid for their DC's education, helped them get a start in life. I get it, I don't measure up to them, they wished their DIL was someone from their community, a better educated woman, with more ambitions in life than being an SAHM. But do at least reach out to your children. Ask them how they are doing. Take them out for coffee.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. they worked hard and deserve their lives. They are not traveling and posting to spite you. It’s ok for parents to expect their grown kids to support themselves.

I’m sorry for your difficulties. PP is right that both of you should be job hunting. And maybe you can consider a different area of the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP. they worked hard and deserve their lives. They are not traveling and posting to spite you. It’s ok for parents to expect their grown kids to support themselves.

I’m sorry for your difficulties. PP is right that both of you should be job hunting. And maybe you can consider a different area of the country.

We did think about it but we are very dependent on the public school system here and it's been good for our DCs. We get a free preschool for our SN DC. It is unfortunately a half day one but that's something. We cannot afford a nanny. DC' therapies eat up a lot of our money.

[Anonymous]

I understand OP. I've been there.
Mine got laid off when I was on maternity leave and I ended up cutting my leave short to go back to work. We were really struggling and in a bad place. Even an uplifting chat on the phone would have made me feel better.
Instead my mom went into a spiral about how I had married poorly and "ruined everything." My husband made a joke about being a stay at home dad and she lost it on him. My parents went on a bunch of trips that she characterized as "healing." Healing from what? I'm the one with the problems!
Our relationship will never be the same.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes with the job loss and the special needs kid. We were briefly homeless for a while. My husband's older brother took us in.

But I did not begrudge my immigrant FIL and MIL anything. They literally survived a war. They emerged out of it with nothing. My husband and his older siblings went hungry as children. He remembers nothing from the war, but he remembers the feeling of gnawing hunger in his belly - which is why he hoards food today.

I would never dare to equate any of my sufferings with theirs.

We are now in a much better place.

Maybe your in-laws are tone-deaf and insensitive. But beware of making this into a bigger crime than it is, just because you are currently feeling very vulnerable and afraid.
Things will turn around for you. Think long-term. My SN kid clawed his way to a decent university. We have enough money now. It took time and labor to reach our current stability. You will get there too.

[Anonymous]

I would think they're in denial or willfully oblivious to the SNs so it's not adding up for them why you need to SAHM and why you spend so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes with the job loss and the special needs kid. We were briefly homeless for a while. My husband's older brother took us in.

But I did not begrudge my immigrant FIL and MIL anything. They literally survived a war. They emerged out of it with nothing. My husband and his older siblings went hungry as children. He remembers nothing from the war, but he remembers the feeling of gnawing hunger in his belly - which is why he hoards food today.

I would never dare to equate any of my sufferings with theirs.

We are now in a much better place.

Maybe your in-laws are tone-deaf and insensitive. But beware of making this into a bigger crime than it is, just because you are currently feeling very vulnerable and afraid.
Things will turn around for you. Think long-term. My SN kid clawed his way to a decent university. We have enough money now. It took time and labor to reach our current stability. You will get there too.

Me again. Re the special needs, no one in my family or my husband's family understood. We received some pretty out-there comments, but we weren't surprised. Our families grew up with lots of health taboos, particularly mental health. To them it's all gobbledygook.

Water off a duck's back, OP. You need to have a thick skin to raise a child with SN.

[Anonymous]

Which culture? If tables were turned they would expect money from their son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which culture? If tables were turned they would expect money from their son.

They are originally from Russia. And they scoff at people who get money from their children. They really look down on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes with the job loss and the special needs kid. We were briefly homeless for a while. My husband's older brother took us in.

But I did not begrudge my immigrant FIL and MIL anything. They literally survived a war. They emerged out of it with nothing. My husband and his older siblings went hungry as children. He remembers nothing from the war, but he remembers the feeling of gnawing hunger in his belly - which is why he hoards food today.

I would never dare to equate any of my sufferings with theirs.

We are now in a much better place.

Maybe your in-laws are tone-deaf and insensitive. But beware of making this into a bigger crime than it is, just because you are currently feeling very vulnerable and afraid.
Things will turn around for you. Think long-term. My SN kid clawed his way to a decent university. We have enough money now. It took time and labor to reach our current stability. You will get there too.

Me again. Re the special needs, no one in my family or my husband's family understood. We received some pretty out-there comments, but we weren't surprised. Our families grew up with lots of health taboos, particularly mental health. To them it's all gobbledygook.

Water off a duck's back, OP. You need to have a thick skin to raise a child with SN.

One of the first things MIL said when I told them about DC' diagnosis was "well, they sure didn't get it from our side of the family." I just died right then and there.

[Anonymous]

Look for an home outside the DMV.

I was in flyover country and am stunned by the “out of pocket” payments providers take at full price. The rack rates here are outrageous. And children’s therapy can be much better and more affordable elsewhere.

You can also just talk to providers and see if a reduced rate is possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Which culture? If tables were turned they would expect money from their son.

They are originally from Russia. And they scoff at people who get money from their children. They really look down on them.

Sorry, OP. as someone who grew up in post-Soviet Union/Russia I understand where they are coming from. That generation lacks empathy, i see it with my Soviet mom who now lives with us here. She shocks me by complete lack of empathy comments every now and then. It's generational and also circumstances they had to survive back then. Years of therapy helped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Which culture? If tables were turned they would expect money from their son.

They are originally from Russia. And they scoff at people who get money from their children. They really look down on them.

Sorry, OP. as someone who grew up in post-Soviet Union/Russia I understand where they are coming from. That generation lacks empathy, i see it with my Soviet mom who now lives with us here. She shocks me by complete lack of empathy comments every now and then. It's generational and also circumstances they had to survive back then. Years of therapy helped me.

I have to say, I wouldn't call them "lacking empathy", I've seen them show emotions, and I know they can be quite helpful, just not towards us. I feel like we do not measure up for them to care a bit more about us. I feel bad for DH. He doesn't say anything but he is hurting from their lack of encouragement and engagement. He feels like a failure.