Tone deaf parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who immigrated as a child with her parents from then Soviet Union - my parents would help us if we needed but yes - they would consider this a minor and fixable problem because they came here with no money, no connections, limited English skills and worked very hard for an upper middle class life. So being laid off in a country where you speak the language and know how to navigate would look like a minor issue to them. Also, that class and that generation does look down on women who don’t work and considers education/career a big deal so I believe they probably do look down on you which doesn’t help.

This said - has your husband tried to be blunt with them? About what he needs and wants from them? That particular subculture deals in bluntness a lot and may not even think you need help or want something more emotionally or otherwise unless you tell them because they operate on the assumption that you speak up. My whole family and all the people of similar background I know are that way.

Good luck, OP! Hope things improve.

This OP. If they were working adults in 80’s or 90’s in Soviet Union / Russia, they went through economic crisis that you cannot even imagine. No salaries were paid, total collapse of economy, total collapse of country with its systems.

Yes, you feel that they don’t understand or sympathize with you, but based on what you wrote, you do not seem to understand them and the circumstances that they came from either.

I am trying to understand them. They came with nothing, almost no English, I admire what they went through. Low paid jobs, several families crammed in a small apartment. They got themselves through college, got nice jobs, raised children here. But they look down on people who are in dire circumstances and to me, that's very snobby. I know I am a disappointment to them, I am someone with just an Associate degree, they couldn't comprehend why their smart son, with two masters degrees, chose me. Ask me how I know what they think of me. They didn't exactly hide their displeasure at our wedding and kept to themselves and their crowd.

I know I should bite the bullet and just reach out myself, and ask to at least help us pay for therapies. But I am afraid of what I'll hear back. That we brought all this on ourselves.

I don’t think it’s snobbish to look down on people who fail to extricate themselves from circumstances when they themselves extricated themselves from worse circumstances.

This said - clearly they were willing to do a lot of things that you and your husband are unwilling to do in order to dig themselves out. So it’s pretty understandable for them not to think you need help because to them you are not in such an extreme circumstance and/or if you were, you’d be doing more to dig yourself out.

I am a PP from the former Soviet Union btw and I would never ask my parents for help unless the alternative was literally being on the street. Clearly your brother in law shares my view and your in-laws’ view. To me, you shouldn’t ask just because situation is tough - you should make changes and choices which aren’t great - part time job/moving/etc - but would result in survival; to you, you should be able to ask or they should offer when things are not great but not dire. Neither is a superior view but it does show a culture clash.

Where is your husband in all of this? Does he agree with his brother or is he on your side? Because if it’s the former, you can’t ask them for money and if it’s the latter, he should be the one asking.

I agree. People aren't inclined to help people who are choosing not to do what it takes to help themselves. And, people aren't patient with excuses, which is what OP is doing - making excuses as to why they don't fix their own problem.

I am not Russian. But I grew up in a poor family with depression era parents. My family would not help here either and I would have a hard time giving more than occasional grocery money. Not being able to afford expensive private therapy (when therapy is available for free through Child Find) is not the kind of thing that I would see as a hardship. It's a luxury you can procure later when you are working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who immigrated as a child with her parents from then Soviet Union - my parents would help us if we needed but yes - they would consider this a minor and fixable problem because they came here with no money, no connections, limited English skills and worked very hard for an upper middle class life. So being laid off in a country where you speak the language and know how to navigate would look like a minor issue to them. Also, that class and that generation does look down on women who don’t work and considers education/career a big deal so I believe they probably do look down on you which doesn’t help.

This said - has your husband tried to be blunt with them? About what he needs and wants from them? That particular subculture deals in bluntness a lot and may not even think you need help or want something more emotionally or otherwise unless you tell them because they operate on the assumption that you speak up. My whole family and all the people of similar background I know are that way.

Good luck, OP! Hope things improve.

This OP. If they were working adults in 80’s or 90’s in Soviet Union / Russia, they went through economic crisis that you cannot even imagine. No salaries were paid, total collapse of economy, total collapse of country with its systems.

Yes, you feel that they don’t understand or sympathize with you, but based on what you wrote, you do not seem to understand them and the circumstances that they came from either.

I am trying to understand them. They came with nothing, almost no English, I admire what they went through. Low paid jobs, several families crammed in a small apartment. They got themselves through college, got nice jobs, raised children here. But they look down on people who are in dire circumstances and to me, that's very snobby. I know I am a disappointment to them, I am someone with just an Associate degree, they couldn't comprehend why their smart son, with two masters degrees, chose me. Ask me how I know what they think of me. They didn't exactly hide their displeasure at our wedding and kept to themselves and their crowd.

I know I should bite the bullet and just reach out myself, and ask to at least help us pay for therapies. But I am afraid of what I'll hear back. That we brought all this on ourselves.

This is wild that after all these pages you return to post that you should still reach out for money. Instead of getting a job yourself. Your entitlement is mind boggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP. they worked hard and deserve their lives. They are not traveling and posting to spite you. It’s ok for parents to expect their grown kids to support themselves.

I’m sorry for your difficulties. PP is right that both of you should be job hunting. And maybe you can consider a different area of the country.

We did think about it but we are very dependent on the public school system here and it's been good for our DCs. We get a free preschool for our SN DC. It is unfortunately a half day one but that's something. We cannot afford a nanny. DC' therapies eat up a lot of our money.

Get a part time job, a remote job you can do in the evening after kid goes to bed.
Stop resenting folks for the life they built.

[Anonymous]

1) you can work full time for now; your husband is home full time.

2) they don’t want to take you out to coffee to ask how you are because they know how you are and know you want money.

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who has gotten themselves into a real financial pickle by making bad choices. I have the resources to help them, but if I did, I would just be enabling their bad choices and disincentivize better choices.

If my DIL were refusing to work when my son was at home full time due to job loss, I would want her to get a job before they asked me for money. I would absolutely not offer them cash—it would just help them keep making the same dumb mistakes.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are lazy and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're going through a hard time but there's nothing wrong with them going on vacations and posting about it. They worked really hard for many decades and are now enjoying themselves. Hide their feed if it makes you feel bad. They don't owe you anything.

Have you considered getting part time work, consulting, tutoring, your DH being the SAHP and you working full time?

I have considered it, of course. But we will not earn much on my income, I am not nearly as well-educated as DH and I don't have that many years of experience, which is something ILs have made comments about. Yes, they told DH he married down. We made a conscientious decision that I would be a SAHM, take our kids to preschools, therapies. DH is consulting here and there but it is not a stable income and our DC's therapies are not covered by insurance. We haven't been out in ages, I am just so out.

I get it, they don't owe us anything. They paid for their DC's education, helped them get a start in life. I get it, I don't measure up to them, they wished their DIL was someone from their community, a better educated woman, with more ambitions in life than being an SAHM. But do at least reach out to your children. Ask them how they are doing. Take them out for coffee.

You know the saying - you made your bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Which culture? If tables were turned they would expect money from their son.

They are originally from Russia. And they scoff at people who get money from their children. They really look down on them.

Asked them how they lived and how they made it. And follow their advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who immigrated as a child with her parents from then Soviet Union - my parents would help us if we needed but yes - they would consider this a minor and fixable problem because they came here with no money, no connections, limited English skills and worked very hard for an upper middle class life. So being laid off in a country where you speak the language and know how to navigate would look like a minor issue to them. Also, that class and that generation does look down on women who don’t work and considers education/career a big deal so I believe they probably do look down on you which doesn’t help.

This said - has your husband tried to be blunt with them? About what he needs and wants from them? That particular subculture deals in bluntness a lot and may not even think you need help or want something more emotionally or otherwise unless you tell them because they operate on the assumption that you speak up. My whole family and all the people of similar background I know are that way.

Good luck, OP! Hope things improve.

I am also from the former USSR. That generation came here with nothing, and, despite being highly educated, immediately went to clean other people houses and wipe other people butts because they needed to put food on the table. The middle class life came much later.

So, yeah, they can’t understand why the American princess can’t do the same.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they are waiting for your husband to leave you before they will step in to help. They don't have a lot of respect for someone unwilling to work, sacrifice, and survive on their own. They would probably be much more willing to help him without you as the deadweight around mooching.

[Anonymous]

I’m from an immigrant family and understand how my relatives don’t understand SN. But I don’t understand how your husband has been out of work since Feb and you two are grinding for work. My relatives understand hard work and providing for your family, any job, and that’s what was instilled in us. We have kids with SN too.

We are not above taking PT jobs and have when we have needed extra money. I don’t see anywhere in your posts that the two of you are trying to clean houses, pick up delivery shifts (uber, grubhub etc), tutor, babysit anything. It is so easy to be a delivery driver now and the hours are flexible.

Or move. We moved for our kids and financial reasons. I hear a lot of excuses in your responses.

It really sounds like you just want their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

It's only my Mom and my younger siblings who are working and going to school. They can babysit once in a while or listen but that's about it.

We've already cancelled OT and are doing it at home but DC needs speech, PT. We've cancelled our other DC's Cub Scouts and soccer because we are that stretched thin. He was so upset, it broke our hearts, he loves soccer. We have enough money for mortgage. gas, therapies. Most of our food comes from food banks. I also have a small vegetable garden.

I am crying. His parents can afford vacations, Broadway shows, regular friends outings at expensive restaurants, but it doesn't occur to them that maybe their children, let alone grandchildren, are struggling. That maybe more than a superficial text message would help. Maybe offer to pay for their grandchild's therapy, because yes, they can afford it. He is their blood.

So it about the money. If I’m honest, I’d feel conflicted about this as a parent. Because I’d been a SAHM, but if my spouse lost his job I would work at Whole Foods or Uber or something to bring money in. If I saw one of them bringing money in, I’d honestly be more likely to help out. But, both of you not working would feel like you were expecting it, which is exactly what you’re doing.

As someone who likes to spend money on Broadway shows, I’m aghast that any future DIL might judge me for the joy I get from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I reached out to DH's sibling, to see how they were coping through it all, and asked them too if maybe we can all ask grandparents for some sort of help. And they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Said that I was insane to even think that. That under no circumstances would they ask ILs for help, that they deserve to live however they want. I asked, "but don't you feel sad that they are not helping your or us in any way?" Their divorce is bad, messy custody battle. And again, they told me "it's my life, I'll deal with it, and so should you and my brother." Apparently, their relationship with ILs is just fine.

I didn't grow up that way. We were poor but we were at least kind to each other. These people are cold.

And you are lazy and immature. You and your DH need to work.

we are really trying. He applied to so many jobs. I can only work part-time; my old employer doesn't need part-timers and I tried getting jobs elsewhere. Rejections suck.

If you think rejections suck, you’ll never get anywhere. The road to the top in love, work, life is littered with rejections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

It's only my Mom and my younger siblings who are working and going to school. They can babysit once in a while or listen but that's about it.

We've already cancelled OT and are doing it at home but DC needs speech, PT. We've cancelled our other DC's Cub Scouts and soccer because we are that stretched thin. He was so upset, it broke our hearts, he loves soccer. We have enough money for mortgage. gas, therapies. Most of our food comes from food banks. I also have a small vegetable garden.

I am crying. His parents can afford vacations, Broadway shows, regular friends outings at expensive restaurants, but it doesn't occur to them that maybe their children, let alone grandchildren, are struggling. That maybe more than a superficial text message would help. Maybe offer to pay for their grandchild's therapy, because yes, they can afford it. He is their blood.

I think it is interesting that you consider them to be more financially responsible for your own children than you are. I am sure in their culture the idea of refusing to work even when you can barely put food on the table is just bizarre to them. I think the idea that you feel zero sense of financial responsibility for yourself and your children is baffling to them. It doesn't sound like you have ever really contributed any money to your own adult expenses or the expenses of the children you chose to have but you expect your in-laws to do so. It would be one thing if you were working and contributing and having a hard time making ends meet but when you won't work and contribute zero and have never contributed financially to your family at all but expect them to, I think your criticism of them is incredibly entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP. they worked hard and deserve their lives. They are not traveling and posting to spite you. It’s ok for parents to expect their grown kids to support themselves.

I’m sorry for your difficulties. PP is right that both of you should be job hunting. And maybe you can consider a different area of the country.

We did think about it but we are very dependent on the public school system here and it's been good for our DCs. We get a free preschool for our SN DC. It is unfortunately a half day one but that's something. We cannot afford a nanny. DC' therapies eat up a lot of our money.

Plenty of special needs families have two working parents. Plenty. I know several.