Tone deaf parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

It's only my Mom and my younger siblings who are working and going to school. They can babysit once in a while or listen but that's about it.

We've already cancelled OT and are doing it at home but DC needs speech, PT. We've cancelled our other DC's Cub Scouts and soccer because we are that stretched thin. He was so upset, it broke our hearts, he loves soccer. We have enough money for mortgage. gas, therapies. Most of our food comes from food banks. I also have a small vegetable garden.

I am crying. His parents can afford vacations, Broadway shows, regular friends outings at expensive restaurants, but it doesn't occur to them that maybe their children, let alone grandchildren, are struggling. That maybe more than a superficial text message would help. Maybe offer to pay for their grandchild's therapy, because yes, they can afford it. He is their blood.

You said you don’t want their money.

[Anonymous]

I saw a post elsewhere: "My 9-yr-old asked me why grandparents' houses are bigger than parents' houses."

Why indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

It's only my Mom and my younger siblings who are working and going to school. They can babysit once in a while or listen but that's about it.

We've already cancelled OT and are doing it at home but DC needs speech, PT. We've cancelled our other DC's Cub Scouts and soccer because we are that stretched thin. He was so upset, it broke our hearts, he loves soccer. We have enough money for mortgage. gas, therapies. Most of our food comes from food banks. I also have a small vegetable garden.

I am crying. His parents can afford vacations, Broadway shows, regular friends outings at expensive restaurants, but it doesn't occur to them that maybe their children, let alone grandchildren, are struggling. That maybe more than a superficial text message would help. Maybe offer to pay for their grandchild's therapy, because yes, they can afford it. He is their blood.

You said you don’t want their money.

Of course she wants their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes with the job loss and the special needs kid. We were briefly homeless for a while. My husband's older brother took us in.

But I did not begrudge my immigrant FIL and MIL anything. They literally survived a war. They emerged out of it with nothing. My husband and his older siblings went hungry as children. He remembers nothing from the war, but he remembers the feeling of gnawing hunger in his belly - which is why he hoards food today.

I would never dare to equate any of my sufferings with theirs.

We are now in a much better place.

Maybe your in-laws are tone-deaf and insensitive. But beware of making this into a bigger crime than it is, just because you are currently feeling very vulnerable and afraid.
Things will turn around for you. Think long-term. My SN kid clawed his way to a decent university. We have enough money now. It took time and labor to reach our current stability. You will get there too.

Me again. Re the special needs, no one in my family or my husband's family understood. We received some pretty out-there comments, but we weren't surprised. Our families grew up with lots of health taboos, particularly mental health. To them it's all gobbledygook.

Water off a duck's back, OP. You need to have a thick skin to raise a child with SN.

One of the first things MIL said when I told them about DC' diagnosis was "well, they sure didn't get it from our side of the family." I just died right then and there.

If it’s ASD and it may well be from their side.

[Anonymous]

Get a job. They have fulfilled their obligations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw a post elsewhere: "My 9-yr-old asked me why grandparents' houses are bigger than parents' houses."

Why indeed.

Jealous much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Which culture? If tables were turned they would expect money from their son.

They are originally from Russia. And they scoff at people who get money from their children. They really look down on them.

Sorry, OP. as someone who grew up in post-Soviet Union/Russia I understand where they are coming from. That generation lacks empathy, i see it with my Soviet mom who now lives with us here. She shocks me by complete lack of empathy comments every now and then. It's generational and also circumstances they had to survive back then. Years of therapy helped me.

I have to say, I wouldn't call them "lacking empathy", I've seen them show emotions, and I know they can be quite helpful, just not towards us. I feel like we do not measure up for them to care a bit more about us. I feel bad for DH. He doesn't say anything but he is hurting from their lack of encouragement and engagement. He feels like a failure.

DP.
How are they towards their other DC, the one divorcing?
Also in ex USSR SN kids are often seen as second rate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

It's only my Mom and my younger siblings who are working and going to school. They can babysit once in a while or listen but that's about it.

We've already cancelled OT and are doing it at home but DC needs speech, PT. We've cancelled our other DC's Cub Scouts and soccer because we are that stretched thin. He was so upset, it broke our hearts, he loves soccer. We have enough money for mortgage. gas, therapies. Most of our food comes from food banks. I also have a small vegetable garden.

I am crying. His parents can afford vacations, Broadway shows, regular friends outings at expensive restaurants, but it doesn't occur to them that maybe their children, let alone grandchildren, are struggling. That maybe more than a superficial text message would help. Maybe offer to pay for their grandchild's therapy, because yes, they can afford it. He is their blood.

I truly do not understand why you're seething in your own resentment yet you have not even ASKED these folks for financial support (at least for your children). I too had a husband out of work and a child with special needs, and our in-laws gave us nothing. But we didn't ask. We were certainly not resentful that they did not offer. Had things gotten desperate, of course we would have begged for help from all our relatives, but it didn't come to that, thankfully. And from your description, you're not desperate either, OP.

You really need a cold return to reality, here. I did so much of my son's therapies and coaching and tutoring myself. We had free PT, OT and speech from the County, I observed everything and then replicated the lessons. We did so much core-building at home, with household equipment, instead of paying for a fancy kid's gym. My husband taught him to walk. I taught him to read, count and write. We scraped money together to continue the speech privately, because he wasn't talking intelligibly despite our best efforts. I tutored him all of his elementary years, while looking after our other kids. It's only when our financial situation improved that we could pay for tutors in middle and high school.

Quit blaming other people when you're not in dire need. Buck up. Do the work. And if you're about to be evicted or something, sure, ask for help. I can promise you that if you guys truly need it, your families will come through for you. But right now, everyone expects you to rise to the situation, because it isn't that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you want your ILs to give you money.

We don't think they owe us anything. But we could really use help and yes, we need financial help. They know we are struggling and nothing.

Ok, I was sympathetic before but you are literally saying you don’t want their money but you want their money in the same sentence.

Also, a lot of older people, especially from that part of the world and with the type of tough love/perfectionist personality you describe will not think about helping or even understand hints but might help if you asked point blank. I don’t mean say “it’s tough now” but literally say “Ivan and Natasha, we need $X for such and such, can you lend it to us for a year” (or whatever.)

But also, I understand that it’s tough to go back to work with kids or to move elsewhere because the schools here are good but unfortunately you are in a situation where there is no optimal outcome. I second the PPs who say to move - places other than here have therapy treatments and school programs. Also, to be blunt, it’s nice to have that - familiar and helpful location/being able to stay home - but if the choice comes between that and being homeless, it’s clear what it should be. Even if your in-laws helped out, they’d be within their rights to ask for how long and demand some sort of plan of action that can have a good probability of success because they can’t support or assist you forever.

[Anonymous]

Wait, you didn’t bother going to school, didn’t bother getting a career, and now you want your in laws to pay for you to keep staying home while your kids go to preschool?

Op you’re likely right that your In-laws are looking down on you.

[Anonymous]

Don't ask for money. Cut back on the therapy and have a more realistic view of your DC. Do not get involved in resentment towards your in law. If could result in divorce. Its just not worth it. Special needs kids grow at their own pace or they dont. Just assume they will live at home or need support most of their life.

[Anonymous]

OP you or your husband needs to work. Period. Even if it’s in retail. Your in laws aren’t going to give you money when you’re two able bodied adults , neither working, and complaining about being broke. Your husband can work retail and you can offer to dog walk or to babysit , both very easy to do with having kids at home yes even SN kids. Babysit in your own home. If your in laws see you trying to actually help yourselves they might be more inclined to help you too but if neither of you are working that’s unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

It's only my Mom and my younger siblings who are working and going to school. They can babysit once in a while or listen but that's about it.

We've already cancelled OT and are doing it at home but DC needs speech, PT. We've cancelled our other DC's Cub Scouts and soccer because we are that stretched thin. He was so upset, it broke our hearts, he loves soccer. We have enough money for mortgage. gas, therapies. Most of our food comes from food banks. I also have a small vegetable garden.

I am crying. His parents can afford vacations, Broadway shows, regular friends outings at expensive restaurants, but it doesn't occur to them that maybe their children, let alone grandchildren, are struggling. That maybe more than a superficial text message would help. Maybe offer to pay for their grandchild's therapy, because yes, they can afford it. He is their blood.

Not everyone believes that therapy is worth it. Frankly as a parent of a SN child, I think I paid for a ton of useless stuff. There is this belief out there that you have to intervene early and massively but many don’t buy into that and so they aren’t going to support it financially. Maybe that is where your in laws fall.

Another thing. My family is well off but we weren’t always. And we struggled to pay for things like therapy for our son. But now that we’re doing well, my family has their hands out and treats us like a piggy bank and we resent that. It changes the relationship both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI talking to people who have been laid off before may help. By age 50 many of us have. Grieve, then make a good plan for outreach and new job targeting . Then do it.

He's been doing everything. Networking, updating his resume, going to job fairs. He has a few consulting gigs but they are not stable. His salary plummeted. We used to be well off just on his salary and now we are barely making ends meet. And when he talks to his parents, I can hear them ask about his job search, but they never offer any advice, let alone a solution. I know they judge us that he is not really employed and that I am an SAHM.

I know that you SAH due to your SN child. But many of us work full time in high stress jobs with SN kids and make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP. they worked hard and deserve their lives. They are not traveling and posting to spite you. It’s ok for parents to expect their grown kids to support themselves.

I’m sorry for your difficulties. PP is right that both of you should be job hunting. And maybe you can consider a different area of the country.

People who don't have kids with sns will never understand the situation you are stuck in. I also was a sahm because of the issues. I have so much sympathy for you. Do they show any interest in the grandchildren? My ils ran away the minute it was clear one of my kids had sns.