Tone deaf parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes with the job loss and the special needs kid. We were briefly homeless for a while. My husband's older brother took us in.

But I did not begrudge my immigrant FIL and MIL anything. They literally survived a war. They emerged out of it with nothing. My husband and his older siblings went hungry as children. He remembers nothing from the war, but he remembers the feeling of gnawing hunger in his belly - which is why he hoards food today.

I would never dare to equate any of my sufferings with theirs.

We are now in a much better place.

Maybe your in-laws are tone-deaf and insensitive. But beware of making this into a bigger crime than it is, just because you are currently feeling very vulnerable and afraid.
Things will turn around for you. Think long-term. My SN kid clawed his way to a decent university. We have enough money now. It took time and labor to reach our current stability. You will get there too.

Me again. Re the special needs, no one in my family or my husband's family understood. We received some pretty out-there comments, but we weren't surprised. Our families grew up with lots of health taboos, particularly mental health. To them it's all gobbledygook.

Water off a duck's back, OP. You need to have a thick skin to raise a child with SN.

I hate that comment. You think any parent of a child with disabilities doesn't know that. Really! So fing unhelpful. We deal with so much pain and heart break often the people around you who are supposed to love you cause the most. I remember times when there was absolutely no one I could confide in and had to deal with ignorant family and friends. I dropped a lot of people because I learned how awful they were wrt children who alrent high achieving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are the most tone and self-absorbed deaf people I've ever met. I get it, they are self-made, immigrants who came to this country with nothing. But they should not rub it in. DH has been out of work since February, former fed. I am an SAHM, because one of our DCs is SNs. I know they detest the fact that I don't have a "regular job". ILs know of our struggles. DH is struggling, he is depressed, I am exhausted, have some compassion. Their other DC is going through a very bad divorce. And then I see their vacation pictures on social media, comments about "living life to the fullest." They don't visit us, they don't invite us over, maybe a phone call once a week, a text here and there.

I don't know, maybe invite over your struggling DCs, visit, offer some moral support. I won't even say "financial support" because I know the response I'll get: "we gave our children everything, now they are on their own". Our savings are disappearing fast, we are cutting corners everywhere.

Stop looking at social media, and both you and your husband need to pick up some work and divide the childcare duties. Adjust your expectations of your in-laws, stop stewing over their refusal to help, and move forward. I promise you will feel so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP. they worked hard and deserve their lives. They are not traveling and posting to spite you. It’s ok for parents to expect their grown kids to support themselves.

I’m sorry for your difficulties. PP is right that both of you should be job hunting. And maybe you can consider a different area of the country.

People who don't have kids with sns will never understand the situation you are stuck in. I also was a sahm because of the issues. I have so much sympathy for you. Do they show any interest in the grandchildren? My ils ran away the minute it was clear one of my kids had sns.

I am the PP you are quoting and two of our kids have special needs , one of whom required significant therapy and medical care. You know what? We both worked full time while we did what we needed to do for our kids. If you decide to have kids you have to do what it takes to support them regardless of the difficulty.

[Anonymous]

I think they should support you guys in some way, particularly during this tough time.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry your family is going through such a tough time. While I get your feeling that his parents are tone deaf, I think you have different values and expectations about helping family in need than his parents. Your values are not wrong and neither are theirs. They are not required to live their life and act according to your values, just as you are not required to live your life according to their values. I think you can appreciate that as you have felt judged by them for not living up to their values regarding work. Now you are judging them for not meeting your expectations of family.

There are many reasons they may not be reaching out or offering assistance. There are many people that don’t want questions from family when they are going through struggles. They find it awkward and embarrassing and think family is intruding into matters that are not their business. His parents may think that giving space is being respectful.

It’s also possible they don’t see your family making any changes to your life to address the situation. In their culture, they may expect both parties to find a job (any job, even retail) if life circumstances warrant it. My dad and grandparents worry about money because they know what it’s like not to have it. They don’t understand when my brother and his wife lose their job why they don’t immediately get any job while they try to get the job they want that pays what they need. My Dad has helped them pay bills but he has had to stop because he doesn’t see them doing anything to help themselves. They say they are trying but it would take more than a year of full financial support for them to get on a path to financial independence. My Dad is not responsible for that.

Put your resentment away and focus on what you are your husband can do to change your life.

[Anonymous]

OP- I reached out to DH's sibling, to see how they were coping through it all, and asked them too if maybe we can all ask grandparents for some sort of help. And they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Said that I was insane to even think that. That under no circumstances would they ask ILs for help, that they deserve to live however they want. I asked, "but don't you feel sad that they are not helping your or us in any way?" Their divorce is bad, messy custody battle. And again, they told me "it's my life, I'll deal with it, and so should you and my brother." Apparently, their relationship with ILs is just fine.

I didn't grow up that way. We were poor but we were at least kind to each other. These people are cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I reached out to DH's sibling, to see how they were coping through it all, and asked them too if maybe we can all ask grandparents for some sort of help. And they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Said that I was insane to even think that. That under no circumstances would they ask ILs for help, that they deserve to live however they want. I asked, "but don't you feel sad that they are not helping your or us in any way?" Their divorce is bad, messy custody battle. And again, they told me "it's my life, I'll deal with it, and so should you and my brother." Apparently, their relationship with ILs is just fine.

I didn't grow up that way. We were poor but we were at least kind to each other. These people are cold.

And you are lazy and immature. You and your DH need to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP. they worked hard and deserve their lives. They are not traveling and posting to spite you. It’s ok for parents to expect their grown kids to support themselves.

I’m sorry for your difficulties. PP is right that both of you should be job hunting. And maybe you can consider a different area of the country.

We did think about it but we are very dependent on the public school system here and it's been good for our DCs. We get a free preschool for our SN DC. It is unfortunately a half day one but that's something. We cannot afford a nanny. DC' therapies eat up a lot of our money.

DP: also you must realize that getting established with new therapies in a different area will be extremely challenging. Pre covid, it was long waitlists to get therapies, I can only imagine what it is now. It seriously could be 6-12 months before the OP could get all therapies restarted if they moved elsewhere. Sounds like they are putting their SN kid first and doing all they can to make them the "best person they can be". That is challenging and costly and yes does require a SAHP or a full time caregiver many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I reached out to DH's sibling, to see how they were coping through it all, and asked them too if maybe we can all ask grandparents for some sort of help. And they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Said that I was insane to even think that. That under no circumstances would they ask ILs for help, that they deserve to live however they want. I asked, "but don't you feel sad that they are not helping your or us in any way?" Their divorce is bad, messy custody battle. And again, they told me "it's my life, I'll deal with it, and so should you and my brother." Apparently, their relationship with ILs is just fine.

I didn't grow up that way. We were poor but we were at least kind to each other. These people are cold.

And you are lazy and immature. You and your DH need to work.

we are really trying. He applied to so many jobs. I can only work part-time; my old employer doesn't need part-timers and I tried getting jobs elsewhere. Rejections suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes with the job loss and the special needs kid. We were briefly homeless for a while. My husband's older brother took us in.

But I did not begrudge my immigrant FIL and MIL anything. They literally survived a war. They emerged out of it with nothing. My husband and his older siblings went hungry as children. He remembers nothing from the war, but he remembers the feeling of gnawing hunger in his belly - which is why he hoards food today.

I would never dare to equate any of my sufferings with theirs.

We are now in a much better place.

Maybe your in-laws are tone-deaf and insensitive. But beware of making this into a bigger crime than it is, just because you are currently feeling very vulnerable and afraid.
Things will turn around for you. Think long-term. My SN kid clawed his way to a decent university. We have enough money now. It took time and labor to reach our current stability. You will get there too.

Me again. Re the special needs, no one in my family or my husband's family understood. We received some pretty out-there comments, but we weren't surprised. Our families grew up with lots of health taboos, particularly mental health. To them it's all gobbledygook.

Water off a duck's back, OP. You need to have a thick skin to raise a child with SN.

One of the first things MIL said when I told them about DC' diagnosis was "well, they sure didn't get it from our side of the family." I just died right then and there.

A lot of families are like that, especially immigrants (I know my spouse is from another asian country and I received a lot of resistance when I got our kid tested and put into therapies). They would rather stick their head in the sand and assume nothing is wrong than admit their "family created a kid with any issues"

Our kid's needs were small relative to most kids, but the intesive therapies and $$$ was well spent. They graduated college in 4 years (from a T100) and work for a great company, but without all those therapies starting in the preschool years thru HS, they might still be living at home, struggling to find their path. As a parent you do all you can as early as possible to open all the doors possible for your kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look for an home outside the DMV.

I was in flyover country and am stunned by the “out of pocket” payments providers take at full price. The rack rates here are outrageous. And children’s therapy can be much better and more affordable elsewhere.

You can also just talk to providers and see if a reduced rate is possible.

When you have a 5-6Month waitlist for a slot as a patient, you don't need to "reduce your rates". Therapists are highly trained, typically with a MS/PHD in their area. Yes, they deserve the $150-200+ per 50 min session they are charging. If you could just do it yourself you would, but you are not trained so you cannot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I reached out to DH's sibling, to see how they were coping through it all, and asked them too if maybe we can all ask grandparents for some sort of help. And they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Said that I was insane to even think that. That under no circumstances would they ask ILs for help, that they deserve to live however they want. I asked, "but don't you feel sad that they are not helping your or us in any way?" Their divorce is bad, messy custody battle. And again, they told me "it's my life, I'll deal with it, and so should you and my brother." Apparently, their relationship with ILs is just fine.

I didn't grow up that way. We were poor but we were at least kind to each other. These people are cold.

😮

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you all do any of the therapies yourself since you have extra hands and time now?

Have your parents helped? I feel like the man’s parents just don’t help as much and will not step in the way the wife’s parents do.

It's only my Mom and my younger siblings who are working and going to school. They can babysit once in a while or listen but that's about it.

We've already cancelled OT and are doing it at home but DC needs speech, PT. We've cancelled our other DC's Cub Scouts and soccer because we are that stretched thin. He was so upset, it broke our hearts, he loves soccer. We have enough money for mortgage. gas, therapies. Most of our food comes from food banks. I also have a small vegetable garden.

I am crying. His parents can afford vacations, Broadway shows, regular friends outings at expensive restaurants, but it doesn't occur to them that maybe their children, let alone grandchildren, are struggling. That maybe more than a superficial text message would help. Maybe offer to pay for their grandchild's therapy, because yes, they can afford it. He is their blood.

Did you ask them for help? To pay for Cub Scouts (there are usually funds available) or soccer for your other child? If you do not ask, you cannot expect them to understand how bad things are. In fact, many people on DCUM would be furious with in-laws who dared to speak to them about finances.

I do want to say, though, that illness/disabilities in one child can really cause issues in another sibling because parents are spending so much attention, emotion, and here, money, on the SN child. Try to speak to organizations about providing financial aid so that your child can participate in normal activities (of course, not travel soccer, but cities offer rec league scholarships, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you or your husband needs to work. Period. Even if it’s in retail. Your in laws aren’t going to give you money when you’re two able bodied adults , neither working, and complaining about being broke. Your husband can work retail and you can offer to dog walk or to babysit , both very easy to do with having kids at home yes even SN kids. Babysit in your own home. If your in laws see you trying to actually help yourselves they might be more inclined to help you too but if neither of you are working that’s unusual.

You both need to work. Lots of retail jobs will be available as the holidays get closer. It's ridiculous that you're both not even working part-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP. they worked hard and deserve their lives. They are not traveling and posting to spite you. It’s ok for parents to expect their grown kids to support themselves.

I’m sorry for your difficulties. PP is right that both of you should be job hunting. And maybe you can consider a different area of the country.

People who don't have kids with sns will never understand the situation you are stuck in. I also was a sahm because of the issues. I have so much sympathy for you. Do they show any interest in the grandchildren? My ils ran away the minute it was clear one of my kids had sns.

We understand that we have to do what it takes to survive and that means earning money. Most people do not have the luxury to stay home with their kid, special needs or not. Especially when our spouse has been out pf work for 8 months.