In-laws upset they can't visit ON grandchild's birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another post where a selfish and nasty DIL seeks affirmation from other selfish and nasty DILs that it’s cool to treat your ILs heartlessly and like shit. (And let me save responders the trouble, no, I am not a mother-in-law so responses such as “here comes self-involved boomer mother-in-law” are not relevant.)

There is no way to tell the in laws that they can’t come for the birthdays for several days in either direction because the other parents are visiting. That’s just so incredibly rude and obnoxious and extremely hurt feelings would not only be inevitable but entirely justified. I mean, WTF? OP, ask your parents what they’d think if the shoe was on the other foot. Yes, your parents are coming from abroad, but the ILs don’t live down the street either.

And the other poster who uses the opportunity to tell her irrelevant anecdote about her parents coming to stay for a week? That’s not the case here.

Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.

The answer to your childish dilemma is perfectly clear: grow up. Reach out to the in-laws, tell them you would love to have them like every other year, but this year is a little complicated space wise and would they mind staying in a hotel for the night? If they can’t handle that, then I’ll cut you some slack. But please, be the adult in the room. That sounds like it might be a new experience for you.

OMG, Linda, calm down. You’re going to have another stroke. Go have a second, mid-morning martini and have a nice lie-down.

You sound like a man.

Thank you. If the alternative is to sound like a woman-hating woman, like the PP, then I would rather sound like a man. “Another selfish and nasty DIL,” eh? Gee, I wonder if PP is a MIL who hates her DIL. It’s such a complex mystery…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

Your kids birthday even a teens birthday is about the person with the birthday. It's entitled and rude for grownups to expect to hijack these things and make it about them. I feel for the hype about how family is so important and the guilt trips for too long. Our family became much happier and healthier with boundaries. We let the self-absorbed be unhappy and stopped trying to fix that. You know who the true gems are when you see the, graciously accept boundaries or be so tuned in you don't even need to establish boundaries.

Inviting everyone out to lunch or dinner the day before or day after depending on the kid's bday plans seems like a good non-dysfunctional family solution. Wanting to see grandkids for their birthday is not 'making it about themselves' or 'self-absorbed' either. It is normal family behavior.

Now, obviously if the schedule doesn't allow due to sports or other activities or whatever that is different.

That seems pretty standard. We've always celebrated each kid's birthday on the closest weekend, rather than the exact day. Between school, homework, ECs/sports, and adult work schedules, there's no reasonable way to fit in a party or even a grandparent drop in on a weekday. My in-laws live a 10 minute drive away, and we all get along wonderfully. We carve out time for a family party on one of the weekends. They're not so insecure that they need to see the kids on their actual birthday or attend the party with the kids' friends.

OP should offer the ILs time on the weekend before or after for a family birthday party. It's not that complicated.

Except the OP’s parents are here for two weeks with the birthday smack in the middle and OP has made clear that they plan on celebrating while her parents are here and she doesn’t want to deal with the in laws at the same time. She’s creating drama and risking hurt feelings where none of this is necessary. Just invite them to join on the day when something is planned but ask that they not stay there because there’s no room. They probably wouldn’t want to anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're making a big deal about it. They're not little kids. Let it go and don't bring up. Go low key. Don't be a drama lama.

I don't think I am being particularly dramatic about it, I just don't want them to be mad at us but it's also my kids birthday and they should have a say in how we celebrate it instead of my in-laws insisting on visiting on their birthdays.

NP. It is rather dramatic that you want both to have your way AND control their feelings. They’re going to be mad, upset, disappointed, whatever. Grow up. Accept that. Own it. You’re not in charge of their feelings or reaction.

Your responses to OP make no sense. You are just being a j@ck@ss to be a j@ck@ss. Take your kids to the pool and complain with all the other unhappy PTA moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another post where a selfish and nasty DIL seeks affirmation from other selfish and nasty DILs that it’s cool to treat your ILs heartlessly and like shit. (And let me save responders the trouble, no, I am not a mother-in-law so responses such as “here comes self-involved boomer mother-in-law” are not relevant.)

There is no way to tell the in laws that they can’t come for the birthdays for several days in either direction because the other parents are visiting. That’s just so incredibly rude and obnoxious and extremely hurt feelings would not only be inevitable but entirely justified. I mean, WTF? OP, ask your parents what they’d think if the shoe was on the other foot. Yes, your parents are coming from abroad, but the ILs don’t live down the street either.

And the other poster who uses the opportunity to tell her irrelevant anecdote about her parents coming to stay for a week? That’s not the case here.

Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.

The answer to your childish dilemma is perfectly clear: grow up. Reach out to the in-laws, tell them you would love to have them like every other year, but this year is a little complicated space wise and would they mind staying in a hotel for the night? If they can’t handle that, then I’ll cut you some slack. But please, be the adult in the room. That sounds like it might be a new experience for you.

OMG, Linda, calm down. You’re going to have another stroke. Go have a second, mid-morning martini and have a nice lie-down.

You sound like a man.

Thank you. If the alternative is to sound like a woman-hating woman, like the PP, then I would rather sound like a man. “Another selfish and nasty DIL,” eh? Gee, I wonder if PP is a MIL who hates her DIL. It’s such a complex mystery…

It’s laughable how you have me all wrong in terms of age, gender and family relationships.

But what’s really amazing is that it’s fine for y’all to pile on on MILs and insult them with every name in the book, but when the table is turned and you’re called out for being just as nasty as the MIL you’re dissing you get all worked up.

DCUM is full of posts where women talk terribly about their in laws, especially their mothers-in-law. Just remember, what goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

+100. Even better, have your spouse have this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

+1

Immediate family comes first. Always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

Your kids birthday even a teens birthday is about the person with the birthday. It's entitled and rude for grownups to expect to hijack these things and make it about them. I feel for the hype about how family is so important and the guilt trips for too long. Our family became much happier and healthier with boundaries. We let the self-absorbed be unhappy and stopped trying to fix that. You know who the true gems are when you see the, graciously accept boundaries or be so tuned in you don't even need to establish boundaries.

Inviting everyone out to lunch or dinner the day before or day after depending on the kid's bday plans seems like a good non-dysfunctional family solution. Wanting to see grandkids for their birthday is not 'making it about themselves' or 'self-absorbed' either. It is normal family behavior.

Now, obviously if the schedule doesn't allow due to sports or other activities or whatever that is different.

There is a big difference between wanting to visit on a kids birthday and expecting to visit to the point you are angry if plans aren't adjusted to include you.

I guess but at the same time I don't see how having her parents there precludes a short visit from the ILs unless they just don't get along and in that case it is a whole other issue.

NP. Do you see a “short visit” as them making a long drive (round trip “couple of hours away” driving); or staying overnight in a hotel; or staying overnight at OP’s house, when OP is already hosting overnight guests?

Driving to and from their town the same day or staying in a hotel. Not that complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

The kids can choose what they do on their birthday but I am not turning away my parents or my inlaws who want to celebrate with them sometime the birthday week, whether that is at home or a restaurant. None of this is complicated or difficult nor should it cause drama.

[Anonymous]

What day is the birthday and how far away do the ILs live? Do your parents and ILs get along? Is there something to do/see if you were to meet the ILs half-way on the weekend before or after the birthday? And you can take your parents on a day trip?

I get it OP, I have parents and ILs who are the same way and both live about 3 hours away. And my kids BOTH have birthdays around Halloween so a busy time anyway. At least they no longer insist on being there for Halloween anymore. PPs are right that they may be hurt but to expect you to put together something on a weeknight, after work/school/camp and involve 8 people is a lot. See if you can at least work something out on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

The kids can choose what they do on their birthday but I am not turning away my parents or my inlaws who want to celebrate with them sometime the birthday week, whether that is at home or a restaurant. None of this is complicated or difficult nor should it cause drama.

DP that's fine for your situation.

OP should not be criticized for setting boundaries around high maintenance in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

The kids can choose what they do on their birthday but I am not turning away my parents or my inlaws who want to celebrate with them sometime the birthday week, whether that is at home or a restaurant. None of this is complicated or difficult nor should it cause drama.

DP that's fine for your situation.

OP should not be criticized for setting boundaries around high maintenance in-laws.

I am unclear how they are high maintenance. Again, wanting to celebrate a grandkid's bday is not HM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another post where a selfish and nasty DIL seeks affirmation from other selfish and nasty DILs that it’s cool to treat your ILs heartlessly and like shit. (And let me save responders the trouble, no, I am not a mother-in-law so responses such as “here comes self-involved boomer mother-in-law” are not relevant.)

There is no way to tell the in laws that they can’t come for the birthdays for several days in either direction because the other parents are visiting. That’s just so incredibly rude and obnoxious and extremely hurt feelings would not only be inevitable but entirely justified. I mean, WTF? OP, ask your parents what they’d think if the shoe was on the other foot. Yes, your parents are coming from abroad, but the ILs don’t live down the street either.

And the other poster who uses the opportunity to tell her irrelevant anecdote about her parents coming to stay for a week? That’s not the case here.

Finally, if your kids don’t want the in-laws coming for their birthday, you know what, so the F what. Teach them to show some respect.

The answer to your childish dilemma is perfectly clear: grow up. Reach out to the in-laws, tell them you would love to have them like every other year, but this year is a little complicated space wise and would they mind staying in a hotel for the night? If they can’t handle that, then I’ll cut you some slack. But please, be the adult in the room. That sounds like it might be a new experience for you.

OMG, Linda, calm down. You’re going to have another stroke. Go have a second, mid-morning martini and have a nice lie-down.

You sound like a man.

Thank you. If the alternative is to sound like a woman-hating woman, like the PP, then I would rather sound like a man. “Another selfish and nasty DIL,” eh? Gee, I wonder if PP is a MIL who hates her DIL. It’s such a complex mystery…

It’s laughable how you have me all wrong in terms of age, gender and family relationships.

But what’s really amazing is that it’s fine for y’all to pile on on MILs and insult them with every name in the book, but when the table is turned and you’re called out for being just as nasty as the MIL you’re dissing you get all worked up.

DCUM is full of posts where women talk terribly about their in laws, especially their mothers-in-law. Just remember, what goes around comes around.

Sure, Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

The kids can choose what they do on their birthday but I am not turning away my parents or my inlaws who want to celebrate with them sometime the birthday week, whether that is at home or a restaurant. None of this is complicated or difficult nor should it cause drama.

DP that's fine for your situation.

OP should not be criticized for setting boundaries around high maintenance in-laws.

I am unclear how they are high maintenance. Again, wanting to celebrate a grandkid's bday is not HM.

They need to be "catered to".

"I don't love having them on the kids' birthdays because it kind of ruins the day to have to cater to them instead of the birthday child"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them be upset, OP.

They can visit at another time, but if I'm hosting one set of parents, I don't have bandwidth for the other set. At most, we'd do a large family dinner at a restaurant with the 4 grandparents, but they certainly wouldn't be visiting in my house during that time!

Think of this as a great opportunity to reset expectations going forward, as you said. In the future, your kids choose what to do on their birthday. Grandparents are not the priority here.

Lots of folks have more “bandwidth” than you. Sorry for your limitations.