In-laws upset they can't visit ON grandchild's birthday

[Anonymous]

My kids are teenagers and they manage to see the grandparents and also do things with their friends for their bdays. Why does it have to be either or?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

This X100000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're making a big deal about it. They're not little kids. Let it go and don't bring up. Go low key. Don't be a drama lama.

I don't think I am being particularly dramatic about it, I just don't want them to be mad at us but it's also my kids birthday and they should have a say in how we celebrate it instead of my in-laws insisting on visiting on their birthdays.

NP. My parents insist on doing this, too. The kids are getting older and really don’t care, but my mother goes and books flights for their entire birthday weeks. It really is all about her expecting a party (because she needs something to do and boast about with her friends).

This year the kids are having friend birthday parties on the weekends, and no, my parents are not invited. While they’re here, we’ll just do a restaurant dinner with them and call it a day. We’re not throwing a second party and inviting relatives from up to two hours away and spending hundreds of dollars on food and cake because my mom is here. It’s not necessary once they’re pre/teens. My mom never got past the toddler birthday party stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite them to a family dinner at a casual restaurant, but say unfortunately you can’t host overnight guests, but there’s a Microtel nearby and you’d be happy to have them over for muffins and coffee the next morning at your house before they hit the road.

There; they’re invited, but you are making it clear you can’t host them overnight. Up to them whether they accept a perfectly nice invitation.

OP here, I know you mean well, but I would never, ever do this. I hope you're a troll!

If they can afford plane tickets, they can afford a night at a Microtel.

[Anonymous]

“Barb and Stan, you’re welcome to come the day of Larla’s birthday if you’d like. But you know how teenagers are — Larla’s finally at that age where the friend group is their highest priority. She’s going to spend the day running around doing all sorts of silly celebratory stuff with them — I honestly don’t know how much we’ll see her.

If you want more time with her, why not come the week after her birthday? We can have a family party and Larla can tell you all about the stuff she did with her friends.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite them to a family dinner at a casual restaurant, but say unfortunately you can’t host overnight guests, but there’s a Microtel nearby and you’d be happy to have them over for muffins and coffee the next morning at your house before they hit the road.

There; they’re invited, but you are making it clear you can’t host them overnight. Up to them whether they accept a perfectly nice invitation.

I would not do this. This is unnecessarily passive aggressive

As opposed to pouting about not being able to see kids on “THE DAY” of something?

OP doesn’t even want them visiting the days around the birthday because her folks are in town. I don’t understand why they can’t drop by not on the birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. Accept they will be upset, and invite them with good spirits when it's convenient. Their hurt feelings are on them. It's your kids' birthday, not theirs

This^.

[Anonymous]

If they only live a few hours away, why can’t they drop in for a visit that doesn’t require an overnite? How does your DH feel about his parents not being allowed to see your daughter to wish her a happy birthday that week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite them to a family dinner at a casual restaurant, but say unfortunately you can’t host overnight guests, but there’s a Microtel nearby and you’d be happy to have them over for muffins and coffee the next morning at your house before they hit the road.

There; they’re invited, but you are making it clear you can’t host them overnight. Up to them whether they accept a perfectly nice invitation.

OP here, I know you mean well, but I would never, ever do this. I hope you're a troll!

If they can afford plane tickets, they can afford a night at a Microtel.

She said they lived a few hours away. No plane ride needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teenagers and they manage to see the grandparents and also do things with their friends for their bdays. Why does it have to be either or?

It sounds like they are not local. They are visiting and probably expect to be entertained and see the kids the whole time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teenagers and they manage to see the grandparents and also do things with their friends for their bdays. Why does it have to be either or?

Seriously. The grandparents arrive, the family has dinner out the night before the birthday to celebrate the birthday child. Following day is actual birthday, everyone sings as the birthday song, presents. Child is free to go to swim party, pizza, host sleepover. Whatever. It's possible to do multiple things. My kids have often had visiting grandparents be some part of their birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teenagers and they manage to see the grandparents and also do things with their friends for their bdays. Why does it have to be either or?

It sounds like they are not local. They are visiting and probably expect to be entertained and see the kids the whole time.

They are a few hours away.

[Anonymous]

You’re stressing about this because, deep down, you know you’re being rude. It’s ok for your parents to visit but not your in-laws? If they are a pain tell your spouse to manage them. But yeah you’re being rude.

[Anonymous]

OP to your original question on how to reset their expectations away from every kids birthday centering around them visiting, you just have to be direct. This year is actually a good time to start getting them used to it since your parents are in town from another country. Just be direct that visiting this week won’t work. Focus on when the next time you will see them will be.

If they are upset that is entirely their problem. I would bet you $ 10000 that how upset they seem to you is exaggerated on their part because it’s a play to manipulate you into letting them dictate what they want. The more you try to manage their feelings the worse they will behave. I’ve watched my MIL pull this with my SIL. SIL is a people pleaser so MIL feigns all sorts of antics to get her way. DH and I do not care if she throws a fit or pouts or acts offended and MIL knows this so she doesn’t play these games with us.

For next year, nip talk of birthday visits in the bud early. Tell them you may be traveling on vacation or something. Once you have a few years when your kids birthday doesn’t revolve around granny being the center of attention, she’ll have different expectations.

[Anonymous]

State the obvious. This year, it won’t work. Your parents are visiting and your DD has plans with some friends. End the conversation by planning when they can visit.